My husband continues to eat whatever he chooses. He is now smoking atleast a pack a day! Gets no exercise, and I am starting to see his decline again.
He honestly doesnt care about himself. We have 3 younger children in the home and he has not written a will or made any POA desisions.
I am so angry that he was given the chance to live twice (heart attack. He coded. And quad bypass) and has chosen not to do everything he can to be healthy. Knowing there is nothing more that can be done to his heart is causing me to stress and worry. I constantly have to remind myself that he has made his own decisions. How do others prepare themselves and or children for death not knowing when? If he drops, doesn't wake up, or all the "what if s" what do I do?? Besides call 911? I feel I need a plan for my children to protect them for possibly the worst? All 3 are under 13.
First of all, make sure all your financial records are in order and you know where they’re located. Become familiar with your bills and budget. Then, firmly but kindly explain to your husband that you are making plans for the future; yours and your children's. Since he cares not for himself, this discussion will not be about him, what he does or does not do for himself, but about you and specifically, the future of your children. Is there a college fund? Retirement funds? Insurance? Explain to him that this is a non-negotiable conversation. If he refuses the discussion, you will need to carry on alone. You will contact an attorney and have him or her help you set up a future plan.
Show him by your actions that you, at least are serious about what will happen to your children. If he refuses to make out a will, you need to consult with the attorney to find out how to protect your assets and your children’s future. By your actions and not accusatory words, you can show him the gravity of this situation and that plans need to be made.
Someone other than you should talk to your husband. A parent, friend even a doctor. They need you tell him that he needs to protect his children and you. That means a will and POA so you can handle things when he can't. I think life insurance is mute at this point, he wouldn't pass a physical. But wouldn't hurt to see what you can get in at least to cover funeral expenses.
If you don't work, it maybe time to consider it. Get your foot in the door now. Get benefits. Try not to get in debt and pay off those you have.
Is husband still working? If not does he get SS disability? If not, it sounds like his heart is bad enough to get it. He will get Medicare and Medicaid if he qualifies.
You worry about you.
Thank you for your response
My DH had 2 massive heart attacks last June. He, too, was the impervious, 'gonna-live-forever kind of dude. Despite the fact he has weathered HepC, a liver transplant, 84 weeks of chemo for the HCV, relapse, a stroke during chemo, and a 'shoulda killed him' motorcycle wreck. All in 12 short years.
This nonstop and untenable stress---with the heart attack just being something I was 'waiting for'---has almost killed me.
So I have 2 plans of action.
If he lives to retirement age and will be a 'good boy'--continuing to respect that so many people are affected by his idiocy in behavior---we will but a 'retirement home' for the two of us with a basement apartment to be used initially as a game room, hangout for the teens grands. At some point caregivers can live there as we age and need more help.
If he refuses to care for himself and does not wish to be a part of the family dynamic, I will be moving out myself into a duplex so I will have income in my older age.
The ONLY thing that ever got him to sit up and listen to me or any of our kids was when we literally screamed at him--crying, shaking, he cannot do drama, so he'd just go "oh, whatever".
I have my two plans well laid out. I don't want to live without him but he's walked up to death's door 6 times. Seriously, any of the above things should have killed him.
Make sure his CC are in name only. Have your own savings and investments, if that's possible. we have a trust, but I can break it if I leave him. If he dies, opt for cremation.
Funny, I do not know ONE WOMAN who has this "I'm gonna live forever" attitude. Not one. (Except my MIL and she's just doing that to make me insane).
You know, we really try to love these guys--and I do love my Dh, or at least the DH I married who is buried somewhere in all that machismo. But I am not stupid and am looking after me.
The daily stress is awful. I almost expect a phone call from the hospital or PD to knock on my door with the news. I have had to step back and focus on much more than I really want to. Best of luck in your journey. And thank you for the advise!
Does he have any life insurance? Do you work outside the home?
Thank you for your response
Heart attacks cause depression and he should have been being treated for it from the beginning. These doctors are just ignorant sometimes.
Have you checked into term life insurance? It may be expensive and have a couple year exemption period, but it might be worth looking into.
I am sorry that you are facing this with young children at home, it is so difficult to raise kids and under these circumstances it must be a tremendous struggle for you.
Maybe, chewing his butt about manning up and thinking about his children and how they will survive if he dies prematurely because of poor choices and how will they feel knowing that dad didn't care enough to make a very hard situation a little less traumatic. Sometimes smacking someone in the head with the harsh reality of their self pity behavior is needed to wake them up. Does he really want his legacy to be that he ended his days not caring the burden he left on his family, when he could have changed so much had he cared?
I hope something pulls his head out of his dairy air.
Yep, the stress has been unbelievable, living with a man who thinks he is alternately dying right this minute! or isn't ever going to die. He doesn't plan for anything, either way.
I've learned I cannot make him care, he long since gave up even trying to have a "marriage" what we have is more like 2 squabbling siblings. We love each other, but never should have married.
He ignores me, until he needs me and then it's Annie Get your GUN! I better be there and hop to it. He doesn't see the irony of my needs and wants being totally ignored in favor of his.
I suppose, quite honestly he was raised by a manipulative and nasty mother and even NOW that is his belief as to how all women act. He's not nice to her, he's not mean to me, just completely oblivious.
I am OK for finances, too. Retired from just PT work a couple of years ago--mostly I ran the house and raised kids. I WISH I had had a career--so much so that I hounded my daughters into all of them getting college degrees and marketable skills.
He's been cheating death since we were married. Doing crazy things that a man with a family ought not to be doing--but he has had the life he wanted, so good for him. I just couldn't be that selfish.
Funny, we love them in spite of the thoughtlessness and lack of self care. We're all a work in progress, so I cut him a LOT of slack. Life is just too short to waste on this petty fussing. If we have him 15 more years, we got another miracle.