Hello, we have such a rather tough dynamic with my mother-in-law. My husband’s manipulative ex wife moved in on her 4 years ago. It’s a mess.

This happened right after her long-time love passed away. She was vulnerable and our house wasn’t selling quick enough for us to get our goal going for the plan we had of the three of us moving in together, and us being ready to take care of mom when needed. Myself her daughter-in-law, my husband of 18 years, her youngest son. I was urged by the family to fight to keep the ex out, to protect mom because the ex-wife is a bully that this family has enabled for 20 years. Well, guess what, they all turned on me due to her narcissistic manipulation. It had become too toxic it became way to hard to even go over to see mom. We were badmouthed, turned against, etc. Well, in December 2025 mom started showing major signs of becoming very sick but we couldn’t get any answers. Just a few months ago in the end of May Mom fell and was rushed to the hospital. It was there we learned she was diagnosed with vascular dementia?? what?? The ex has been hiding how severe. So, we found out the ex made a follow up appointment with mom’s GP just for stitch removal. My husband and i followed the correct steps and prepared a letter asking for the appointment to be an Elder Care Meeting. We wanted answers. When, why, etc.? We arrived at the appointment and even the older son was on the phone from California. We found out a lot of mistakes had been made. Mom has had strokes, falls, etc. The GP came in rather defiant and automatically said “Rita is non-compliant!” The GP treated my husband and i awful. We now have medical proxy. In reviewing Mom’s records through Mychart i find clinic notes disparaging myself and my husband her son. Saying we are the cause of her depression. What i am not at all happy about is she wrote that same note on the day of our family Elder Care appt. and that is beyond inaccurate. The Elder Care appt went great. Then i find clinic inter-office memorandums that totally are inappropriate and break HIPPA. So, Brad, my husband, her son took the letter directly to the GP’s office a few days prior to the stitch removal appointment asking in writing to change it to an Elder Care Meeting Appointment. We needed it to be longer and had many questions. I find in the mychart at least 6 of the office staff involved in the memo passing where the GP writes (FYI, this is the daughter-in-law and son who are causing my patient so much tension which is so unfortunate, so i’m not giving him anything unless he has a proxy on file) Number 1 we didn’t ask for anything to be given, we requested a longer appointment so she wouldn’t be bombarded not knowing mom would be accompanied by us and out of town call. She broke major confidentiality by the FYI comment and put us at odds with the clinic before we even walked through the door. Oh this is the ex’s doctor too. I’m sorry to say this but our precious mom is mentally gone and cannot even remember how many grandchildren, children and she hallucinates, sundowns, etc. She is being fed that there is tension and strife by the ex wife and by the GP who is not maintaining a professional atmosphere as she should be. This Gp refers to the ex as moms daughter. Her loyal, amazing, such selfless daughter. I tried to introduce myself and the GP snubbed me. Mom has her follow-up appointment tomorrow for the Dexa Scan she had. I will read the clinic notes after. What i noticed too is at the elder care appointment the check-in nurse handed mom the depression tablet and the ex handed it right back and said “we always deny this!” wth?? There is no communication but yet she has manipulated everyone to thinking she is this amazing life saver. Mom is the priority. Suggestions appreciated. Our thoughts of meeting with an elder care attorney? I understand mom can say what she wants to her doctor, but it needs to stay behind her closed door not FYI. frustrated and our character matters.I do not agree with this re-traumatizing mom with fake memories and fake scenarios.