Help for my mother?

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Help for my mother?

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Hello. Normally I wouldn't be asking such a personal question, but I have no idea where to go with this. So..here it is. My mother hasn't had a job in over 24+ years (since I was born or even before then). She's almost 60 years old. She has no income, health insurance, or a place to live as her own. She's always had a man to take care of her and all her needs. The last one took off and moved to another state with another woman. So now she's been staying with me and I've been paying the bills (rent, food, anything else for her she needs). My problem I face is that I want HER to get her life together and become independent because I can't keep supporting her for the rest of my life. I'm engaged and want to get married and start a family together with my future husband, but it's difficult since she lives with us and I support her needs. She has no income, job, health care, doesn't drive (never did her whole life), she has back problems (compressed disks and a mild form of scoliosis I believe), a few mental health issues (ex. depression and anxiety). It's almost like she's 18. She needs to start her whole life over. I just don't know where to go or what to do. I want her to be independent and to take care of herself without relying on someone else to do it. Like she has so far for her whole life. I'd love some help as to where do I go for this situation and what to do. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated! I'm in Pennsylvania, United States.

Medicaid Mom Multi-generational Living

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Hi Wheredoigo85, I want to first commend you for your big-heartedness in caring for your mom. I hope some day she appreciates your help. Now I want to support your independence from her, and visa versa.
1) you are not responsible for her happiness
2) she is an adult
3) as a mother she should be rooting for your future and not presuming to be a 3rd wheel in your life (this is selfish/immature/dysfunctional ad nauseum)

Depression and anxiety can be treated with medications. If this, or therapy, has not been tried she needs to deal with this. If she has tried but without success, is she on SSDI? Ask yourself "What do other people do who are 'disabled' to the point where they cannot support themselves?"

You want her to suddenly start being independent and motivated to improve her situation? You want her to be someone she has proven she is not -- for her whole life. It is better to internalize the reality that she probably won't change. I would start by having the conversation with her about what your plan is: to get married and live your life with your husband by yourselves. GIve her a deadline (nothing happens without deadlines). It doesn't mean you don't love her. You will help her get settled somewhere else and help her apply for SSDI or welfare/food stamps, section 8 housing, etc. Your expectation is that she will actively participate in relocating and restarting her life. This will probably put her into quite a panic, but her depression/anxiety is not your problem -- you can't solve it for her, but you can help her to help herself. I don't envy you in this situation. It is distressing to have to do this with one's own mother BUT you just get her to move out so that you can move on with your life. It will only get worse and worse and harder and harder the older she gets if she stays with you. I wish you peace in your heart as you come to accept things.

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She's not on SSDI or SSI. She's only worked maybe less than 10 years in her life. So she hasn't paid much into SSI or retirement. I think she tired for disability once and was denied (seems like everyone is unless you have a lawyer). I've tired telling her in the past that I'll help her move on but that led into an argument with her saying I'm "selfish and *I* don't care about her.

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There are people living in my town in Section 8 housing (a nice apt building) that pay no rent or utilities at all, since they have no income. Whether they are encouraged to get work, I don't know. They also have SNAP (food stamps?), and get commodities monthly; they manage. Bet your mom could, if she doesn't spend a lot on cigarettes or something....

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You deserve to live and you are nowhere near selfish. If your mother doesn't know this, well, that is on her. But it sounds like she is not used to anything being "on her," and it's hard to imagine feeling so unburdened when you have been parentified (fancy name for when our parents make us be their parents when we are just children).
It's likely time to get a social worker involved. While she may not qualify for disability as such, there are other services out there, even just as peer counseling groups. You may want to look at resources available through your county's Area Agency on Aging (here's a listing for the counties in Pennsylvania - https://www.aging.pa.gov/local-resources/pages/aaa.aspx#.Vgm1O8tVhBc ). You may find other relevant resources at https://www.phca.org/for-consumers/resources-for-older-adults . Wal Mart in your area may be hiring greeters/cart cleaners, and your mother may qualify for a subsidized senior apartment. My father and his side of the family have always had a way of either marrying, birthing, or scamming enablers. I was only able to get free of him through getting counseling for ME, but then also through his death. I'm still tied to his main enabler/my mother - but that bond, the more I analyze it, is from my own sense of responsibility to her, not from a real responsibility. When you have a child, you will be responsible for the child. You are not responsible for another adult, though she (and society) has trained you for that likely since birth. My words mean not much, I know, but you are worth it and you deserve so much.

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Can you contact the PA Department on Aging? There are social welfare programs available. There may be waiting lists but she should be eligible for housing and health care. It sounds like your mom is passive or depressed so it may take some legwork on your end. But there should be programs available to help her get out of your house.

https://www.aging.pa.gov/Pages/default.aspx

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There comes a time when you've got to stop vomiting in a baby birds mouth and kick it out of the nest to see if it flies.

That time is now for your mom. It sounds like there I'd nothing wrong with her preventing her from working aside from laziness. Boot her out and leave her to her own devices.

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Your reply gave hubby and I a good laugh, thank you!

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Don't let her do this to you. I fully understand that as a daughter you feel compelled to care for her, but she is NOT old and she must have a place separate from yours. While depression and anxiety are mental health issues, if they are not severe then she should be able to care for herself. You need to plead your case with her. That she departed from her mom's home and now it's your turn. You will help her every step of the way, but the two of you need to plan how this will take place. Even if she is with your for another year, it will be worth it if you can get her moving to stand on her feet.

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Is Mom a Widow? Widows can collect Social Security at the age of 60. Wouldn't be much but would give her something.

What I suggest is taking her to Social Services in your County. She may qualify for SSI which is a supplimental income. While there ask about housing vouchers. If she can get on SSI I think Medicaid comes along with it so her health insurance will be covered. I would have her depression/anxiety evaluated. She maybe able to get Social Security disability if this keeps her from working.

Social Security Disability will take a while but it will be worth it. If she gets SSI, she qualifies for food stamps and help with utilities. The Social Service caseworker should be able to help and answer any questions.

I really doubt that Mom will find a job at the age of 60 with no work history. Suffering from depression and anxiety won't help either. It would need to be something like answering phones, a hostess...

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If Mom has been able to take care of herself or her home, she can get a job. There is a tremendous shortage of people to provide in-home support for others who are older or more frail than she is, or even in-home child care. This site is proof of that. Hospitals and nursing homes always need support staff. These are not high paying jobs but they do provide a living wage and health care. Mom might even find a live-in position so that she doesn't need her own apartment. Of course this means that she has to get up every morning and take care of someone else as well as herself... If she isn't willing, this is her choice and no longer your responsibility in any way. Mom gets a choice: work, or go on welfare. Let her make it.

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These types of people are energy vampires, I know. My mother (who's now 93) married my father when she was 19 and relied on him for every single thing in her entire life, complaining and blaming him every step of the way, until he died in 2015. And she is STILL bad mouthing him and blaming him for her imperfect life, believe it or not!!

But now she is relying on me for 100% of everything, and using ME as her sounding board & scratching post in the process.

I had her placed in Assisted Living back in 2014 (along with my Dad) after he fell and broke his hip b/c there was NO WAY I was going to bring her here to live with me. The woman can't even write a check. She saves up all her mail for me and thrusts it at me gleefully, saying HERE'S MY MAIL.......like HA! It's YOUR problem now, as is everything else in my life! Deal with it.

By the grace of God, my parents had enough money to subsidize their care in Assisted Living until 2021, at which time I will have to apply for Medicaid to get my mother into Skilled Nursing. I am an only child and have been dealing with everything now for my entire life. I will be 63 in July. My point is..........you are 24. This WILL go on with your mother until YOU are 63. And it IS like she is 18, or perhaps 12, more like it, and she will CONTINUE to be 12 years old because she's been enabled to do so her entire life. See where I'm going with this? She will also pull out the FOG.............fear obligation & guilt.........on you so that there mere mention of her getting her own life will be thrust in YOUR face as 'your fault'. These women have to have SOMEONE else to blame for 'their lot' in life which is actually something they've brought on themselves. Entirely.

Anyway. It's easy to say 'kick her out', but she's your mother and the FOG factor is deeply rooted in you, I'm sure, as it is with most of us poor slobs with mothers like this. The others have given you good advice about getting your mother help with social services, food stamps, Section 8 housing, etc. Help her get set up somewhere else, and help her get a job. That's the best thing you can do for her.

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and feed him for a lifetime.

Best of luck!

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In order to put this situation in perspective you should have some empathy for the plight of women in society. I am in my sixties and when I was growing up it was the norm that women would marry and be supported by their husbands. When we did marry we had to take our husband’s surname . It was a patriarchy and we suffered work place discrimination, including being fired for being pregnant or even for being married because we might get pregnant. We were the first generation of women who started to work outside the home en masse but it wasn’t easy. For a woman like your mother, with scoliosis and mental health issues it would have been tough to hold down employment and there was a stigma for mothers who worked unless you were a nurse or teacher-but even there it was expected we would quit our jobs while the children were small. If your mother has absolutely no income she should apply for social assistance and may qualify for disability. She should have her name put on a waiting list for social housing, if possible. Instead of blame, try to empathize. The society she was born into was not an equal playing field for women.

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Her mom was born in 1960 and I was born in 1952. I did not feel pressured to stay home and raise kids. Most of my friends went to college and got jobs so I'm not sure what you are saying applies across the board.
It sounds as though her mother was always dependent, especially not even learning to drive? That is plain weird unless she had a controlling husband. But sounds like she's divorced or widowed. She obviously lacks self esteem, confidence and motivation.

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Try to see the larger picture. It is not that long ago that women were not considered ‘people’ and could not vote, own property and enter into contracts. Upon marriage they were expected to take their husband’s name and to obey their husbands. Society frowned on women working outside the home. In my profession, we fought long and hard to get paid maternity leave and equal pay for equal work. It is not fair to chastise older women who were discriminated against in the workplace and who were expected to obey their husbands. In return, the husband was supposed to support his wife. With the high divorce rate that started in the 1960s, many women were deserted and left in poverty as society changed. When a group of people are disempowered it takes a number of generations to right the balance. Some empathy would be in order. North American society is not heading in a good direction if we feel we can just discard the aged and the vulnerable.

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Snowfall, I am 69, and I know from experience, my own and my mom's, that what you say about women is correct; however..... this daughter has had charge of her mom for many years, same as I have, and it's no fun. Mine got divorced in the mid seventies and never married again; she ran her own successful business instead for awhile, but after a few years of that, she could never seem to get it together again. I ran her office when she had her business, and tried to help her manage her money, but she refused to listen, even to putting 10% away in case something happened and she needed it. So, of course, something did, and she had almost nothing. She had to take retirement at 62; then my dad died, and she gets part of what he got, so it could be worse, but she still has nothing, and would never let me/us guide her. We had her here; it was bad; now she lives in a Section 8 apt, with in home medicaid (she's much older than OP's mom. If she made less she would also have SNAP).On what she has, I could live well; she always spent it all, then wanted more. So the point is; if OP can get her the help everyone here has suggested, and oversee her (as she lets her - grrrr....), OP could actually have a life, and that is NOT just discarding her. Believe me, lots of prayer and work go into this kind of caregiving, too....

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Very well said, mally1. Some people genuinely are victims while others choose to be. In either case, one should seek help, but then be willing to accept help and then use it to become productive to the best of his/her ability--as lealonnie1 quoted, learn how to fish.

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Women have been a huge part of the workforce since WWII and have had the vote since 1920. What Snowfall seems to be describing is the plight of women of several generations ago. I, too, am in my 60’s, and I, along with most of my contemporaries worked all of our adult life. When I was growing up, most of my friends’ mothers did also. Yes, there were some inequalities, but “we’ve come a long way, baby!”

The difficulty, as Wheredoigo85 pointed out, is that her mother has chosen a lifetime of depending on men for her sustenance and now that has run out. She is very young at 59 to turn her daughter into a caregiver. I don’t know how severe her scoliosis is, but I have seen many women able to support themselves with severe disabilities, and depression can be treated, or at least attempted.

My mother, at almost 89, was one of those women who could not hold a job because of her severe mental illness (bipolar). She tried often, but even simple jobs were too stressful, causing an episode. She could, though, when well, run a household of 7 people with great efficiency. She always lamented the fact that she did not have a job making her own money as most of her friends did. She pushed her daughters to educate themselves to be self-supporting.

I already believe that the poster has compassion and empathy for her mother, otherwise she wouldn’t be taking care of her and trying to get advice on this website. I do believe though, that too much sympathy can cripple and enable a person. Several people have given you some excellent advice on where to start. I would add some counseling for you to help you navigate all the emotions that change can bring.

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Agree with you! And yes there are people with disabilities who do support themselves. What is described here is a woman who lacks intrinsic motivation, self esteem and confidence. It is sad. But yes she is young, however she will probably never find a job at her age, with no degree, no transportation that pays much. She should have looked out for herself better to be independent.

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Whatever else you do, don't let the situation interfere with your starting your own family. You will probably be taking care of her--in one capacity or another--for another couple of decades. But, the clock is ticking on your ability to have children. Once that clock runs out, it's over for good. Just as she had a right to have you, you have a right to have your own children.

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Surely you can find an organization that can take your Mother as a case perhaps salvation Army or a Church ?You need to leave asap as long as you are living with your Mum society will hold you responsible for her.RUN FOREST RUN!!! AND GOOD LUCK

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Your mom might get some help through this Federal program: https://www.dol.gov/agencies/eta/seniors

I followed the link on that page to the Older Worker Program Finder, and got this result for agencies in Pennsylvania that may be able to help:

https://www.careeronestop.org/LocalHelp/EmploymentAndTraining/find-older-worker-programs.aspx?location=Pennsylvania&radius=25&post=y&sortcolumns=LOCATION&sortdirections=ASC¤tpage=1&pagesize=10

As others below have said, the first step should be to visit your local Department of Social Services. They may have access to the above programs, and more.

I have great sympathy for you... this must be extremely difficult for you, and I can't imagine the feelings you're experiencing right now. It may take a while to get things sorted out, especially with COVID still hanging over us, and I wish you the best.

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Adding to what PeeWee said, Goodwill also provides training and support for people with physical or mental issues, people with no job history, etc. Sometimes they can be employed by goodwill itself in their stores, or they can assist in finding job placement. If your mother is not too lame up by scoliosis, agencies that provide homemaker services are always looking for employees. It's going to be scary trying to work if you haven't done so in years, but it might be the best thing your mom can do.

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It sounds like she is scared and clueless how to help herself, it is the same w my Mom.
i got her into Sect 8 subsidized housing (very nice bldg), and of course I had to do all the paperwork for her as she just wrung her hands and said “I don’t know what to do”...!
she did blame me for everything bad that happened to her, she at first said she hated the place, but 6 months later said she loved it there..
but with the comments and support here, I have been able to stand up to Mom and not buy into all that guilt.
it really is up to her what she does with her own life. All we are doing is enabling them further by doing everything for them.
she may not like her options, but if she wants something different that is up to her not you.
maybe it’s govt housing, maybe it’s renting a room in another woman’s home, maybe she can be hired as someone to help cook or take care of a family part time.
this is obviously a long term problem and it’s good that you’re figuring it out now.
the hardest part will be standing up to your Mom and not backing down.
but it is absolutely necessary that you do so.
she is disempowering you with manipulative behavior.
i would get her to govt housing and whatever aid she can qualify for, and then sign off. After that it’s up to her. She doesn’t need to live under your roof. You don’t owe her anything, although the guilt makes you feel as if you do.

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Girlfriend, I am 62 years old. I would never ask my daughter to take care of me. Start the process NOW of getting her on her own. Apply to social services. They will help her with insurance. She needs mental health help and a Dr. Social services will get her into an assisted living or section 8 housing although that process takes a long time. Start now! Honestly you may need help to if you've put up with this. Maybe you have guilt or she playing victim and your falling for it. Its time for you to be free and start your family.

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WELFARE, DISABILITY, SECTION 8....Government assistance! There’s plenty of help out there. How very unfair of your mother! Do NOT become her new boyfriend for her to take advantage of you!
I’m sorry this is so crude but again, how very unfair! She’s still young.
Government assistance is out there, you figure if Illegal Immigrants can get it, so can she. Government may even require your Mom to WORK! Gasp😦!

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May want to see an attorney. If your mom was married, she may be able to get alimony. If she was widowed, she may be entitled to social security based on her late husband's income. If she was never married, but has depended on different men for financial support, an attorney would know if state law provides any avenue of support from the men who have left.

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In today’s times and going back to mid sixties, women started working. Especially the late 70’s. I always worked even if I didn’t have to. I never wanted to depend on a man for the same reason your mother is alone today. You never know if a spouse is going to be permanent. Anything can happen. Your mother made her choices. They were bad choices financially and she wants you to keep her up? Nope. Unless you want to keep her up from here on out, get advice from agencies in your county and state and get her settled “yesterday”. ASAP. We have heard just about every scenario out there on this site and believe us, it WILL get worse. Take the reins and get her in section 8 housing. You don’t want problems in your own marriage due to her being there and you and your new husband need to have some married life together ALONE starting out. Just because she made bad decisions over and over doesn’t mean you have to pay the price for her. Don’t enable her. Good luck.

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Wow. I'm reading this. I'm 62.
No job. Never worked enough to get ssi. This is almost me!
But 1 thing.
I know better.
I have anxiety & depression.
I do odd jobs, delivery, caregiving, & I do recv medicaid/snap.
My ex is hiding from me. Alimony is past due!
I have no girls. Just 2 men/sons.
I just recvd inheritance by the grace of God.
I'm on my feet.
My biggest fear is my family putting me in assisted living.

Atleast I know better than to sponge off my boys.. heck I lived with a gf ...2yrs as I was homeless.

I just don't understand her logic.

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My hat is off to you. I am sure you will never tell your children they are "selfish" if they don't take you in. Hang in there.

Have you gone to Social Security to see if you can get part of your ex-husband's Social Security? or if he pays into a State run retirement like CalPers you might be eligible.

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Call 211. Get help from your county reps. They will help her get in an assisted living where she will be well-cared for.

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The biggest gift you can give your mother today on Mother's Day is informing her that she has a good long life ahead of her and that you, her loving and caring daughter, are going to help her get on her own two feet.

I have no idea what she is or is not entitled to in terms of help from the taxpayers of Pennsylvania, but she must have skills that were once categorized as "homemaker" i.e. cleaning, cooking, laundry, ironing, etc. And if she doesn't even have those, she can go to community college and learn something - anything - that will afford her some dignity.

Volunteering also gives people both skills and a connection to something bigger than themselves.

Given the pandemic, it will be harder to get her out of your house and on her own but you must start now knowing that the pandemic is going to make it all the more challenging. Grocery stores are essential and she can get a job.

How is she going to get to any job? Is public transportation an option in your area? If not, car rides are less expensive in the short term and she can save for a clunker of her own while learning to drive.

She is not even 60 years old! She needs to be around women her own age. There are many old people with huge homes and empty nests who are renting out rooms. It's like a real life Golden Girls.

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You might want to read up on Dependent Personality Disorder if you havent done so.

https://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/dependent-personality-disorder

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I care for 2 disabled people at my house so I am busy but here is my take. She is at retirement age and has physical and mental problems. You wanting her to be like before isnt going to happen. Circle of life. If you dont want to take care of her, which you already said you dont, you can either throw her out or talk with social worker and agency on aging in your county and do doctor visits and paperwork for her to get somebody else to support her.

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To: wheredoigo85:

I know this is difficult.

Have you communicated your concerns to your mom? She may want to get out and on her own but possibly -- ?? -- is experiencing difficulty with where to start. It would be a big switcheroo for her to live alone, to be independent, to "start over," BUT I truly understand that she and you would benefit best from her gaining independence; living separately.

Poster(s) who remarked on setting a timeline -- I agree. It gets the ball rolling.

I live in PA, also, and have some experience with AAA (re: my senior mom, with link to that being https://www.aging.pa.gov/aging-services/Pages/default.aspx). Have your mom check it out. I do know that the Area Agency on Aging in PA was already mentioned in this thread, and I agree that it is a solid resource to seek out and explore.

Others mentioning that this will go on and on unless addressed...a little overwhelming but a realistic point.

I am also 60 years old and currently working on keeping my job (have had health problems), making plans for the future, and crossing fingers to remain independent as long as possible.

My heart goes out to your mom, you, and your fiancé. Wishing you best of luck.

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Hello, Wheredoigo85:
Why did your Mom stop working, perhaps not tried other jobs, then remain unemployed for 24 years? What work did she do back then? Can't she get Medicaid expansion in PA? Does not make sense. I know that SSDI rules are very tough. I tried unsuccessfully to obtain it for my mild ASD and learning disability condition in 2014 when my accounting work disappeared in 2012 during the Great Recession at age 56. You must be entirely unable to sit or stand for long periods in any job. Someone had told me he applied three times and got disability for his mild ASD. I used CA dept. of rehab and obtained counseling and a job coach for help. I never tried SSDI again but finally got started at SF Goodwill. What about a career rehab service for your mother's mental challenges?? I know COVID-19 complicates things but worth a try. Please apply tough love!♡

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This poor woman seems to be seriously mentally ill.She needs to have a very complete physical and mental exam and a hopefully extensive and competent diagnosis. It is possible tha a combo of desertion by her beloved and poor diet may have depleted B12, magnesium , and other nutrients necessary to a healthy well working nervous system from her body. Also, if she is taking a statin and or a strong diuretic as so many people make the mistake of doing nowadays,these so called meds could deplete nutrients and cause mental problems. So called antidepressants cause serious mental problems also.At 60, most people including myself are young, strong, and independent.Now, at 86, i am still healthy, strong, and independent.At 60, everyone should be.Longterm drug use(whether legal and or illegal) does cause dementia. Most metropolitan areas have free health care , etc. at university hospitals.I have helped many indigents receive complete exams and or treatments for only a $25 fee.

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Today is Mother's Day and I hope you have a good day with your Mom. I've read the many responses and it looks like you have possible solutions. What you do next, do it in love, but be assertive if need be - but not aggressive. We have many cultures where parents are part of their adult children's lives - but the parents have generations of training on how to be an asset not a burden (unless medical issues arise). Trust you will be able to move forward and help her to gain some indepence.

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