Nothing big; small things like used paperback books. Maybe a couple dollars from her purse? Nothing she can prove. Plus, Mom's memory is notoriously bad, and it's entirely possible she just can't remember what the did with these things. She says she can no longer trust CG and wants to let her go. We have been here before, and each time Mom called me just before D-day and said "never mind, everything's okay, caregiver is wonderful." We are not there yet.
My concerns are that the care is paid for with VA funds (Aid & Attendance) and is with an agency. So, 1) if we let her go and can't replace her, the A&A funds will go away; 2) I think we need to be careful with confronting CG, as there is no proof and I don't think we can just accuse and let her go. Does anyone know the rules on this? I'm thinking the agency would expect us to tell them the CG is not a good fit and we need them to send someone else. But, the agency didn't find her in the first place, as Mom lives in a remote area and the agency/we would have had to pay 2 hours of travel time each day. So we recruited someone local, and Mom is her only client. When Mom is not suspecting her of stealing or lying, she is singing her praises.
Sorry for the long-winded post. All I need to know at this point is, when you suspect a household employee of stealing, how must you conduct yourself to avoid overstepping any legal constraints? Thank you, experts.
You do not indicate if she has been diagnosed with any type of dementia.
The thought/fear that someone is stealing from you is a common one with dementia for the simple fact that they do not know what happened to the missing item so the assumption is that it was stolen.
There is not much that you can do about the thought/fear other than try to work around it using diversion, therapeutic fibs.
You can tell mom that you can’t fire one caregiver without having another in place first so the one will have to stay until a replacement can be found, vetted and trained. By the time all that would be done mom will be “ok” with keeping the caregiver she has now.
Hopefully the caregiver is understanding and can work with this type of scenario.
I do think your mom should be tested for dementia.
It might be wise to put in cameras so that you can monitor mom when the caregiver is not there. IF you are dealing with dementia mom should not be left alone.
I like your answer about having to put another CG in place before firing the current one. That will probably work. In so many ways, Mom is still very sharp and functional. But she is having more and more trouble remembering events, conversations and things in the house that she moves or changes. Between CG, SIL and myself we cover nearly every day through mealtimes, meds and appointments, more if she is ill. But the funds are not there for more paid hours, and family is about at our limit of time we can put in without sacrificing others who need us, or our own health. I feel like Mom will soon be needing placement but again, the funding just doesn't exist, even with the VA benefit. Meanwhile, I'm trying to extend the hours we get from VA by looking at direct hire with all the legal requirements met.
Please do not get someone fired over a groundless accusations unless there is proof. That is very malicious. If that is the case do not use paid caregivers.
Used paperback books? A couple of singles or small change here and there? She isn't taking anything. Your mother most likely told her she could borrow one of the used books. Or gave the caregiver a few dollars to go to the store for her or something. The caregiver can't also be expected to pay for things the client needs or wants. Believe me when I say many times the caregiver is expected to because we're supposed to love our low-wage, laborious job and your elderly "loved ones" just so much.
I've been in elderly homecare for almost 25 years. Many of those years as agency help until I wised up and went private cases only. I can't tell you how many times I've been accused of stealing by some senior with dementia, or by some senior who just wants something to complain and fight about.
I remember at the AL I worked in one senior lady on my service. She always had these butterscotch candies with her because she loved them. Now, she'd pass these candies out to anyone who came near her. She wouldn't let me walk past without pushing a butterscotch candy on me.
Then the accusations that everyone is stealing her candy would start. I'm stole her candy. The other residents stole her candy. The landscaping guys outside mowing the lawn stole her candy. The president stole her candy. Evidently, George W. Bush (the then president) went in her room at the AL and stole her candy.
I'm going to give you some good advice here. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face here by calling the caregiver out on the stealing when you have no proof. Don't have her fired when there's no one to replace her. Your mom forgets where she puts things then the nearest person to her stole it. Then she finds what she's looking for and the caregiver is great.
Always make sure anything valuable is locked up. Don't let your mother have large amounts of cash around, or checkbooks, or credit and debit cards. If the caregiver also has to do you mom's shopping, you give her a certain amount of cash and insist on receipts every week. Or get a debit or credit card with a limit on it for household shopping or if your mom wants something. Have the caregiver use this for the shopping then produce receipts every week. This can also be used if she takes your mom out to eat somewhere too. Once again, show a receipt.
"Miss D. I am so worried about my mother and hope you can help. She seems more forgetful. She seems to be misplacing things, like some books and money (or other items she says are missing). Have you noticed a worsening change in her? I have to think about taking her to the doctor to be evaluated. I hope you can reassure me".
This will make her feel like you value her while in effect giving notice that you are aware of things missing without accusing her.
In home health if a patient accused one of us of stealing it could be a faulty memory of an item misplaced or sadly it could be theft. We would then say we would call the police to take a report. If they just didn't like us and nothing was taken, they would back pedal quickly. Sadly, I discovered that a colleague was stealing my patient's (her aunt!!) narcotics. Ironically, the patient didn't need them.
As I left to go visit one of my daily patients, a colleague warned me that she was accusing me of having stolen her rosary beads. She was such a crabby woman her daughter would only take her meals upstairs to her apartment. I got there and said, "I understand you 'lost' your rosary beads'. The look on her face was priceless. I offered to look for them. "maybe they fell into the cushions". After a few minutes of this, I turned to her and said, "Well, at least you know I didn't steal them. I'm Protestant and don't even know what you do with them". If she had accused me in person, I would have called the police in front of her to come take a report. No, she was not demented at all.
I hope this suggestion helps and preserves the relationship.
Not all facilities have "Medicaid Beds" and she might be on a waiting list.
There are lots of others that post that know soooo much more about Medicaid than I do hopefully they will respond and give some insight.
There are ways to talk about a person without accusing.
IMPORTANT: You cannot accuse 'anyway' (well you could although you don't want to) without proof and you do not want to set up this negative, 'accusatory' discussion / implication of behavior anyway. You can state it from your 'mom's point of view' and we / you do not know if your mom is clear headed or confused.
* People with dementia believe people, even family, are stealing. Check into Teepa Snow's webinars or call her / office and ask about this behavior with people with dementia and they could guide you to specific webinars to watch (and/or provide you input - they are very helpful.)
* I don't know / see if your mom lives alone - I presume so.
* Set up a camera (don't tell your mother - if possible).
* You WANT your mom to feel safe.
* If it is dementia to a degree that she may feel this way with 'anyone,' you will have to figure out how to talk to your mom to feel secure with the caregiver (if possible) - It is also the responsibility of the caregiver agency to talk to your mother, and comfort her. Talk the their manager.
* I'd put out a two $5 bills somewhere as a test and see what happens - to one or both. Again, you may need a camera planted somewhere. This camera is ALSO security for you to watch your mom move around - not 'just' to see what the caregiver is doing although that is critically important, too. However, if you are not there and you relay on your 'mom's' recollection, this may not work, either.
* As a last resort, you may need to move your mom to a less isolated area.
- Yes, caregivers steal. (My friend lost a bullet - blender, brand new in the box. When I looked in the box, it was gone.. By then, so was the caregiver by a few weeks. I am suspecting 'her' out of a few others. We often do not know.
THE KEY IS INTERVIEWING as best as you can before you hire.
Ask questions with specific scenarios and see how they answer.
Gena / Touch Matters
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