Help! MIL thinks her caregiver has been stealing from her. Advice?

I think it is difficult to be in such a close relationship with anyone.

Try out a different caregiver sometime for a day. Maybe you can find someone who will be a better fit.

if you already are receiving benefits, you shouldn’t lose them with a personnel change.

My Aunt before we put her in a memory care facility was calling me out for stealing the entire last year I was living with her. She had terrible dementia and we'd always find the stuff she said I stole in the most random areas. She once put an envelope from her bank with 500$ in it in the freezer. Another time, she put the 500$ into the oven and turned it on... good thing I caught that before it burned. This kind of paranoid and forgetful delusional activity only got much worse as each month went by. Near the end, she would forget who I was and call the cops to report a break-in, which was awkward to deal with. It sounds like your mother needs to go to a memory care facility. That is mid to late-stage dementia. I guarantee it. It will only get much worse, and eventually, she'll even forget who you are. That hurts most people pretty badly when their own mother doesn't know who they are or mistakes them for her husband. Now that's an awkward situation.

Late joining the discussion, but here's my take and suggestions:

1) Despite seeming to be "sharp" in many ways, this is how my mother's early dementia started.
2) Cameras can be useful in many ways, not just to spy on caregivers.
3) Ensure any things of real value are not accessible.

The first "sign" I had for my mother's dementia was repetition - statements, questions, etc. I knew nothing about dementia at that time, so I started online searching, and still learn new things to this day!

In retrospect, the accusations of theft, especially for inexpensive, mundane items is common. When these first "appeared", I dismissed it. It wasn't until later, having learned more, that these accusations made sense. She still lived alone, so the "reports" of theft were not very often repeated - it would have to pop into her head. The first was saying a person painting her BR walls was taking broken jewelry she had set aside to "cash in." I suspect most of these were not of any value, she likely either misplaced them or attempted to cash them in already, but was accusing him. The second instance was so baffling! My OB had been staying there for a week long visit with his wife, my niece and her BF. Mom accused OB of taking her TWEEZERS!!! I only said these are available anywhere, for $2 or less, why would he take them?

So, fast forward to after moving her to MC several years later and cleaning out her stuff. I had bought her another, just to shut her up. I found THREE in the bathroom drawer, and about 5-6 MORE in a plastic container in the dresser drawer!

Since all that's missing is old used paperbacks and possible a dollar here and there, I highly doubt your caregiver is stealing. They could be misplaced, never existed, given or loaned to the CG, thrown out, or just hidden somewhere.

As for getting more care, I don't know all the Medicaid rules, esp not for your state, however there ARE programs in Medicaid that can provide some in home care, likely more hours than the VA can provide. The following was found online:

"And, despite the prevalence of misinformation, a Veteran can receive both the Aid & Attendance benefit and Medicaid, so long as there are out of pocket expenditures toward care costs which are in excess of the Veteran's income."
(at least some of this applies to a spouse of a veteran as well.)

"Does VA aid and attendance affect Medicaid?
VA Aid and Attendance Benefits do not count as income for Medicaid purposes, so he/she may meet income eligibility criteria for Medicaid. Once approved for Medicaid, though, the VA benefit is reduced to $90/month for most recipients."

Aid and Attendance is a monthly payment to the veteran and/or spouse, not money towards the CG (it can be used for hiring the CG.) Since she's already approved for this benefit (CG), she'd likely qualify for the A&A, but note once Medicaid is approved, the benefit is reduced. Getting VA benefits first is important.

Please check out this site for information:

https://www.payingforseniorcare.com/medicaid-waivers/home-care

Scroll down to see high level what your state might cover. I wouldn't contact anyone from this site, contact your own state's Medicaid office to get the scoop.

You might be able to get more hours/week through this program.

More info here:

https://www.disabilityrightsca.org/publications/medi-cal-programs-to-help-you-stay-in-your-own-home-or-leave-a-nursing-home

If they pay CGs direct, you may have to find new ones, but if they pay direct to the person, it can be used to hire whoever. More than likely you will get more hours than with VA - not full time, but should be more. It also would let her remain in her home longer. It *might* also expedite transition to a facility, if the need arises, since she'd already be in the system.