My mom needs some help, she is living her last years miserable and unhappy. What Can I do for Mom?

Babalou: Thank you for your reply. Really? Medicaid will help pay for AL?? OMG-that would be AMAZING! She LOVES to talk to people about herself, and I think she would LOVE to be around other people with whom she feels she has something in common. We've talked about it, looked at websites, etc., it just seems cost-prohibitive. And then she's like "those people are so much older than I am." And I'm like EXACTLY! That's what I keep trying to tell you--you're not as old as you think you are--74 is still young in the grand scheme of things! I will look into that (AL). I think that would be a blessing all the way around. She doesn't get a pension, but she does get a decent SS deposit every month. It's only a drop in the bucket as far as what AL charges. An elder care attorney's a good idea too. Thank you.

So, overwhelmed, what are Mom's resourses? Does she get a pension, Soc Sec? Does she own a home?

She needs to use HER resources to pay for her care. Look into Adult Day Care. Talk to her doctor about whether she needs nursing home care. I believe Medicaid has waivers that will pay for AL in NY. A consult with an elder care attorney would also be a wise move.

Dustien: I just reread your post and noticed you found a place in Texas for your dad. Where about it Texas? (We're from Plano/Dallas) Is it less than $3000/mo.? I really think my mom would LOVE something like that--esp. back in Texas. Being in New York is one of the things she hates the most, next to my husband (who feeds her and keeps this nice roof over her head!)

(the original post may be old, but my portion is new. thank you for responding!)
We can't afford assisted living. I don't know how it is back in Texas (where we're from), but in New York, it's $4-5K/month! OMG! Whooooo has that kind of money?! (as far as 'average' pp go, that is) She's not on Medicaid. I don't even know how that works. She does have Medicare and supplemental, so her dr visits and meds don't cost anything out of pocket. I just don't know who to turn to for help! (my husband's in Belgium as we speak, then next week he's off to Tokyo and he had just gotten back from San Francisco!) I either need a 'babysitter' to come in for about 4-6 hours/day, midday, or, better yet, I need her someplace where else so I can have MY LIFE back! It's exhausting, depressing, and quite frankly, it's just not friggin' fair. She's given up. I've done everything I can do and she hates it. Why do I have to be subjected to that?

Just realized I'm posting to a very old post. I do wonder what happened with this woman and her mother. I hope it all worked out, and for those others with sad stories in here.

I just got back from my brother's home in Texas. I was there 10 days, helping to find an assisted living facility for my father. We finally got him settled into a wonderful place. Dad was resistant at first, but my brother and sis in law just couldn't continue to care for his medical needs. COPD, Congestive Heart Failure, Liver Failure, unsteady walking...it was just to much. He's resigned to the fact that he's in bad shape now, and needs the help he can get from assisted living. We did this for dad and for my brother and sis in law. It was the best thing to do, and now we are all breathing a sigh of relief. We don't think dad has long to live, but he's in a good place for now.

Is your mother eligible for Medicaid? Can she pay for assisted living do you know? If she can afford it, it's time to get here there I think. You must have your own life too.

All of you whose mom is both still alive and NOT living with you don't know how blessed you are. My sister died at 33 leaving behind her 11yr old son and 7yr old daughter who needed her (and still need her) tremendously. My mother, 74, has been living with me for almost 4 years now and is deteriorating in a plummeting fashion. I am at my wits end! She sits on the side of her bed in her room (that used to be my kids' playroom) either staring at the walls, reading a book, or flipping randomly through some papers (that I'm sure allude her). I've hauled the exercise bike up from the basement and placed it just outside her door in the living room to make it as easy as I can for her to ride it to train and maintain what's left of her mobility. Her legs have become so weak her knees press together when she stands. I have to manage all of her affairs and remind her of what's going on each day or what she needs to do. She complains about being so old and that 'all this' is inevitable, and I try to tell her that for an older person, she is still very young! She is very scared and confused and angry, that is when she can remember how she feels. When she first moved in 3.5yrs ago, she was still active, mobile, 'doing things,' etc. Then she lost her footing that fall and fell on her rump in the hallway. She was not injured, and we laughed about it that evening. She was a little stiff and sore the next few days and began going to see the urgent care, getting xrays, seeing her primary care doctor, etc.--everyone she could think of to see if she had broken anything. In between all her dr visits, she would either sit on her bed reading or take a nap (usually 3 naps a day). That was the beginning of her free-fall decline. I'm desperate. I still have school-age kids. I had tried to start my own business but had to devote too much time to her to make a go of it. My husband travels extensively. I used to enjoy my time at home when the kids were at school--taking care of the yard, cleaning the house, organizing things, running errands. Now I have this person 'existing' here. The living dead. Just sucking the life out of me. I haven't cleaned my house in 3 years (I do spot clean things), but it's just overwhelming! My son has special needs and I have a lot of meetings at the school and with his teachers and I have to write for him at night to do his homework. It's just TOO MUCH! I try to talk to my mom about how important it is that she keep her mind active--keep a journal, go do things at the senior centers (we have two nearby), get some exercise. She resents it all. She's a 'grown woman' and 'should be able to do what she wants.' Then I find myself trying the guilt angle and telling her she will be completely helpless soon and I will be the one having to pick her up to put her in her wheelchair, wipe her butt, feed, her, handle ALL her business matters and that she could HELP ME by at least doing what she could to keep as active as possible to maintain what's left of her body and her mind, but she won't. It's like she's not there any more, even though she acts like she is. I can't take it.

Dealing with the same with my father. I've come to learn that I've had to fight my feelings not hers. We are "trained" from a very early age that to get attention from our parents we have to "please" them. First smile? We get praised, first spoonful of food in our mouth, we get praised. Learn to crawl, we get praised, walk our first steps we get lots and lots of praise, good grades, we get praised..etc, etc, etc, etc...thoughout our lives (Ok...maybe not so much in our teen years for some of us). Point is, we have spent a lifetime seeking praise from our parents because it feels good to make them happy and it makes us feel good about ourselves.

And then.... suddenly our parents are no longer the same. They see us as not so praiseworthy anymore. They see us as having, somehow, let them down by not making them feel better, when, truth be known, there's no way to make those that get like this feel better...they are at the ends of their lives, losing control and miserable and taking out on us for not doing what we've been able to do all our lives though our actions...making them smile, making them happy and proud.

It can't be done anymore and it's missed by both sides. Knowing this fact, that this stage of our lives is gone, it's time to take stock and realize it and just do what you can, not expecting praise...quite the opposite in fact, from our parents. We need to retrain ourselves to deal with that fact, and and accept the truth of it. Mom/Dad is not going to praise us anymore (or at least rarely) and will instead be mad at us for their aging and the changes in their lives. Take the blame and move on...and be happy. Love them, except who they've become, and let their new negativity it fall off you like water off a duck. You'll be happier for it... let the training begin!

Get her a full physical and psych exam and get her meds reviewed. Maybe she can take an anti-depressant or something for anxiety. Ruling out these things, unfortunately, some people are just miserable--at any age. I do believe though that aging tends to magnify someone's core personality. As a care giver, I have never once encountered a negative, miserable older person who was previously kind, easy-going and loving--except for maybe a bad case of later stage Alzheimer's which is par for the course in some cases. Either way, don't feel trapped. You can care for your Mom and yourself by placing her in a nice facility. Being around peers might be a good change for you both.

I feel for you. It is difficult. My mother is 92 years old currently lives with me but too is miserable, unhappy and depressed. She now wants to go in a nursing home after sale of her home thinks she iwll be happy. She and I dont really "like" each other and I am happy to let her go. My husband wants to inherit the money and keep her. She is a miser, cold, selfish and greedy. She never gave or wanted to give any of her children a nickel. I say good riddance and get on with my life which she has sucked out of me since she has been with me. Hang in there. Maybe you dont want what I want butI say she has lived long enough. I dont have the room to tell you the horrid things she has done to me in my lifetime.

She's going through a difficult time. She probably feels helpless and like she's losing herself, empathize with her. Set aside time to spend with her alone or as a family bring and just show love and support. Bring something you two can do, something she likes to do, puzzle, games, something interactive; it may seem like she's got it all but can still feel alone which is tough. This is what I'd do at least. Dedicate a day each week for a few hours to mom and tell her this is what you'll do for her because you want to see her happy. I think she just want to not feel forgotten and feel love from family. I figured out that in those times of our life when we can no longer care for ourselves and rely on others we become angry. My dad suffered a stroke and he can be a terror, he was used to being self sufficient so I understand but I talk with him (since in out of state but still handle his matters) and he calms down. Another option or addition to.... get her a therapist to visit with her .

Good Heavens, My Heart Goes Out to All of you! Hugs all around. Hang in there...this will pass...hopefully before any of you do.

I am assuming that your mom might have passed since you posted this. I just want to offer a hug, and support. I lost my Mother 5 years ago and I am separated and living with my 83 year old step father, and helping to care for him. It has been a sometimes hellish journey. I am now a certified nursing assistant and, also care for an 83 year old woman that is so miserable, and mean, yet so blessed with money, and a home I feel like I am in the looney bin half the time. I just want to offer support to people like you and me. My step father can be awful and changes his will every time I upset him. It get really old. I now just ignore him, and do the best I can. After he dies I don't believe I will continue to care for, or deal with old people anymore. Unless of course I find one who is kind, and grateful. May the Blessed Light of the Universe light our way.

My dad has always been the opposite. Always glad to see me and such a very nice guy. He's put his family first all of his life and never stopped when he was in Assisted Living. Always so appreciative.

Then he had that bad seizure that put him in the hospital and into continured care that stunk. He was in no way ready to go back home to his apt., but Medicare had DEEMED him ready. The place had nowhere FOR him except in their upstairs Continued Care Unit.

It was horrible. Two beds to each room and the rooms were so small that it was disgusting. They had a big meeting area for all the patients to hang out in..along with having music therapy...yet the whole thing reminded me of nothing but "Somewhere over the Cucoo's Nest".

There was NO was I was going to put my dad there so I put him back in the apartment he wanted to go to. He was fine and I had him on aid for his meds so at least he'd finally take them without forgetting. Horrible place as the MA's would change his Depends and just leave them in the garbage; so that when I came to visit, it stunk to high heaven of urine in there.

The lazy idiots would give him a urinal at the side of his bed and expect him to go on his own..(even though it was their job to get there to help him at night when he called them with the button on his wrist).

Half the time he'd end up spilling it all over the place and he'd feel terrible about it, while he went back to sleep with his room smelling like urine.

I'd spend several night a week there watching him get out of bed and into his transport chair to use the bathroom. I told him to use his call button but he said that by the time THEY got there..he'd have already gone; so I'd get up with him every night and help him myself.

His regular rent was $2400 a month. Once he went on additonal minimum care they raised it to over $3600 while doing basically nothing but give him his meds.

I took a break one day to run home and change clothes..came back; and the aid had him in the bathroom with his wheeled walker (which I had plainly put a sign on to Please DO Not Use). I'd also put a Gait Belt on the walker to be used WHEN he was ready to use it and found it laying on the floor.

This aid had to have unlooped the Gait Belt..thrown in on the floor...and took my dad to the bathroom. I found her standing out in the hallway of my dad's apt.not even WATCHING my dad!!

I was living and asked her what the heck she was doing using the walker I'd specifically asked aids not to her her reply was, "Oh..I didn't know.."

She's lucky she still has a job!!

But it's things like that..things that I have to do for the wellbeing of my dad..that make him just want to die. He often thinks he's too much trouble..is tired of just sitting around all day and sleeping..and there are times he says the same as other parents.."Why can't I just die now and get it over with??"

I won't take that from my dad as he's soo very lucky to be alive and keep telling him that God isn't finished with him yet and has plans for him. He doesn't understand why God has given him all these chances in life while I explain to him that he wouldn't have survived his stroke and recovered like he did..he wouldn't have survived the risky brain surgery that he did if God didn't have more plans for him..

And thus..sometimes when I go to visit him..he's been just plain angry with me. He sometimes hates that I'm there and tells me to go find something to do and just leave him alone. He's gotten better but still talks about wanting to die.

He's much better than half the people at the nursing facility he's at and should be thankful for that..but sometimes I can't blame him. How are WE going to feel when we can't drive, there's nothing that we can do anymore that we used to have fun doing; etc. Sorry for this very long post but I figured that some could relate. Thanks for reading.

Why won't she take her meds for depression and anxiety?

Is she so poor that she would qualify for medicaid? I don't know if any assisted living places take medicaid or not.

How old is your mom and what are her additional health problems beyond the ones that you listed above?

How has she been living on her own in that house where the walls are closing in on her?

What does she mean by closing in on her? Is her house in that bad of shape or is she just board? Can you find out what the doctor actually said? Do you have medical POA for her.

I will say this though, your saint of a husband likely has limits to his sainthood. Several days ago, we learned on a thread of a saintly spouse who had enough verbal abuse from her MIL and left.

Frankly, you don't owe her your retirement and long term health care plan.

It is helpful to read all of these scenarios. One thing I don't notice is people that are stuck with a self centered and manipulative parent that have no money. My mother has always been a narcissist and selfish, nasty comments constantly. Telling me, "you are generous with your money, but not your time." I have explained to her on MULTIPLE occasions that it is because she is a cup TOTALLY empty person and it is not enjoyable to be around her. Took her to Mexico with my entire family last year, it was "too windy, too rainy, the food was vile," etc. I pay for all of her mortgage, taxes and insurance. Her social security money is basically pocket money. Just recently she started having spikes in her blood pressure. Decided that she "hates" where she is living and has to get out of there as the walls are closing in on her. Also "hated" her "piece of shit car." So we went out and got her a new car. Now the latest is she won't live there, (in the place I am paying for) due to her depression and anxiety. Her doctor supposedly told her to NOT go back there. I brought her to my home (my husband is a saint, bwt). All of our kids are gone (5) and we are loving life with our adult kids and grandkids and hang with them ALL of the time. My mother did not like the fact that we had to go to work and do things with our grandkids, etc. Fast forward, she was in the hospital and got out. Doctors suggested meds for depression and anxiety which she won't take. Bottom line: she wants me to sell her place (little equity in it) and has "no clue" where she will move, but it's not gonna be here or my brothers and she is NOT going back to her place (per her). She is pushing me to put her in a place that is independent living but does everything for her. This will cost me a fortune and cut into our retirement and long term care plan, etc. I am so angry and feel like I am being held hostage by her demands. Any suggestions???

It is helpful to read all of these scenarios. One thing I don't notice is people that are stuck with a self centered and manipulative parent that have no money. My mother has always been a narcissist and selfish, nasty comments constantly. Telling me, "you are generous with your money, but not your time." I have explained to her on MULTIPLE occasions that it is because she is a cup TOTALLY empty person and it is not enjoyable to be around her. Took her to Mexico with my entire family last year, it was "too windy, too rainy, the food was vile," etc. I pay for all of her mortgage, taxes and insurance. Her social security money is basically pocket money. Just recently she started having spikes in her blood pressure. Decided that she "hates" where she is living and has to get out of there as the walls are closing in on her. Also "hated" her "piece of shit car." So we went out and got her a new car. Now the latest is she won't live there, (in the place I am paying for) due to her depression and anxiety. Her doctor supposedly told her to NOT go back there. I brought her to my home (my husband is a saint, bwt). All of our kids are gone (5) and we are loving life with our adult kids and grandkids and hang with them ALL of the time. My mother did not like the fact that we had to go to work and do things with our grandkids, etc. Fast forward, she was in the hospital and got out. Doctors suggested meds for depression and anxiety which she won't take. Bottom line: she wants me to sell her place (little equity in it) and has "no clue" where she will move, but it's not gonna be here or my brothers and she is NOT going back to her place (per her). She is pushing me to put her in a place that is independent living but does everything for her. This will cost me a fortune and cut into our retirement and long term care plan, etc. I am so angry and feel like I am being held hostage by her demands. Any suggestions???

You should be more patient and try to know what is going on in her mind. May be she needs more time.. You should also keep a check if the people/staff their are taking good care of her. If not, you must find another assisted living home for her. I know its a tough decision, but you have to do something about it.. Good luck.

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Luvida Memory Care

Mary, before you leave, think about the dysfunction, enabling and co-dependency existing in this situation. I'm certain it won't be the first time you encounter it, so this can be a learning experience.

She's very unhappy with her life and she'd like it to end. Sounds like she is intent on making that happen, albeit very slowly.

Perhaps you would be more happy yourself and be doing more good to find a client who wants help living, not dying.

I am a nursing student caring for an 89 year old woman who is miserable and exclaims daily that she wants to die and/or commit suicide. She has early stage dementia but most of her issues are related to the fact that she is 4'6" tall and 200 lbs. She lives with her diabetic son who plies Mom with junk food to placate her and now she's diabetic, too, and can barely walk since she's put on 30 lbs since moving in! YAY! When I try to feed her anything healthy she refuses because here comes the son with her take out fettucini alfredo 5 nights a week! Now I'm supposed to walk her daily even though she has Afib, chest pains and hasn't seen a cardiologist in 5 years! Ticking time bomb, anyone? The son is more worried about his trip to Florida for Christmas! I take her out, to the movies, anywhere but...no go. She wants to sit in front of a TV and EAT. Refuses PT or going to a senior center to meet peers because they are "old farts". It's sad. I'm about out of here, period.

People act gripey when they don't feel good. Talk to the nutritionist or meals supervisor about supplements. Vit D3 is the sunshine vitamin. Add Folic Acid. Thyroid may need adjusted. Check for infections. Do you live in a state where medical marijuana is legal? A little THC chocolate bar might help her outlook.

Are you still there Sacline? Can't believe I again tried to answer a question from (3) three years ago. (2012). Hope my answer helps someone out there, even though I try to make it personal to the asker.

You are set apart from many who have never asked this question, "what can I do for Mom?" That alone shows a heart that cares, you can receive comfort from knowing who you are and what you have done. If you change your expectations about getting appreciation from Mom, you will be happier in what you do.

This sounds exactly like the situation I was in. Sad to say, yet a wonderful relief after all, I had to cut her out of my life. The depression and anxiety was so bad that I wanted to kill myself rather than live with Mother's gloom. Just because they gave birth to us does not mean we signed a life-long contract to worry about them.

I also get it. I put many miles between me and Mother. Other people love her, but her closest friends/helpers have gotten a good glimpse of how she is.

Yes, this stress will endanger your health. My family learned the hard way, while Mom's health is as good as it can be. Go figure.

Good luck and continued blessings to you. You are a good person.

Scott, your Mom sounds exactly like mine. I get it. My Mom has been that kind of person, but only looking back have I realized it. Until you're so close to the situation you don't realize how miserable a human being your parent is. I was like you and am figuring things out. I've done everything in my power to make Mom's life happier. It doesn't and don't ever work. I have to accept it.It's too bad, sad really that some people will never be happy. MOM is one of them. She lives with me too. It was my last ditch effort to make her life happier. You guessed it. It didn't work. Everyone else thinks she's just the sweetest person that ever walked c on the face of the earth. Her family knows better.

I am detaching from the emotional stuff as best I can with someone under the same roof. I don't see much advantage to having in AL or NH. I feel I'd be bugged constantly by her out the management, do for now she is here and I have someone that comes 3 days a week right now just for company and do I can get out. I don't particularly like "Dr. Phil" but I remember c one thing he said on a, show years ago that has stuck with me, "we teach people how to treat us", and we've taught well. We've taught demanding narcissistic parents to expect us to meet their every whim and to make them happy. We have to stop it and start making ourselves happy. Maybe some of our parents can still learn, I don't know, but at least since they're not happy anyway, were spinning wheels. I'm finally learning at 64.

Hey, What ever happened to "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"? Think telling the complaining parents this would do anything more then cause more complaining?

@Rene999, Your mother is like a lot of mothers - unhappy and willing to spread it around!

First, I think you need an antidepressant to help you cope with all that negativity. You should also talk to your mother's doctor about slipping her something to improve her mood, as well.

What would happen if your mother was complaining about your sister, and you responded, "Yes, she has always been a selfish b***h." In other words, agree with her that life sucks and then you die. If she doesn't kill you for a sassy answer, I think that it will be easier for you to accept her negativity as something that you can't change, and don't need to change.

Can the two of you make jokes about what idiots the other residents are? If that's too much, just say, "Oh, Mother, you're so good at finding the flaws in people. You could meet Johnny Carson and find him boring." Trying to get her to be nice is a lost cause. Try to get her to laugh.

I don't know if my ideas will work. I just hope you can find some way to cope.