I have left home twenty years ago to be with my actrual husband and start a family. I now have two children age 4 and 11, I work for an airline company, my life is here. My mom started to have neurological problems 3 years ago and now needs fulltime care which she has, a lady stays at home as an au-pair and takes care of a lot more than just my mom.
My brother decided to come and live with mom three years ago to take care of her and the house which he is senimentally attached to in this town we almost grew up in. He actually has no job and no wife or children. He constantly makes me feel guilty about this and for not doing as much as he is...what can i do more? taking mom with me and my family for two weeks during our summer holidays, having her at home in august for three weeks, bringing her to see her family on the other side of the ocean, seeing her almost every months at her place or having her at mine with everything this demands from attention for her and the kids with no help. It is never enough for him.
I suggested to transfer mom close to me, he doesn't trust i will carefully be there for her. I mean com'on, gimme a break, i want him to understand that i cannot take his place and give him mine and i would lie someone to explain to him that sibblings aren't always doing it wrong, communication is the key:
It wouldn't hurt to read some of the posts here from those who are in the same situation as your brother to gain insight into how he's feeling. It seems as though the full or part time caregivers living with or close to parents see things a lot differently from those who are distance caregivers.
Try to share his perspective to figure out ways in which he could really use help. You're wise to ask and seek advice before the issue becomes an insurmountable one.
Good luck - I hope you find some answers. But I also think that if she needs fulltime care, your brother may be so overwhelmed just by providing that level of care that it might be time to consider more than at home care supplemented by paid caregivers.
There also may come a time when your mother is not able to travel back and forth to your house and may be confined at home; then the nature of your caregiving relationship with her and your brother will change. Think about how you can help then.
Because if you are doing those things, then I think that is more than fair given the circumstances as you have stated them. He lives in the house, probably rent-free, has a live in au-pair/aide, you give him plenty of respite. What more does he say he wants? Is he finding the caregiving more than he can handle? Because if he isn't at that point yet, he will be sooner or later. Sons aren't crazy about getting all up in their mother's "business" with the bathing, Depends changing, toileting, etc. that comes along with dementia as they lose those abilities.
Maybe it is time to sell the house and move Mom to Assisted Living so that he can have his life back and Mom can be taken care of 'round the clock.