He's never, ever happy - ever. Advice?
I didn't meet my father until I was 28. We were close for about 4 years, but then he and his wife moved to Panama. Allegedly, he was really happy there. Then one day, he woke up, decided he hated people who speak Spanish, and the climate, and abandoned my dear little stepmom there and moved back to rural Missouri within a week! Strange, right? Eight months later, I flew to Panama to help her untangle their real estate and come back to the USA. They'd lived there for 16 years. They never called me once, I called them.
Now back in the USA, we kept in loose touch. I'd call them maybe 1x/mo. So I didn't know how bad things had gotten until he had heart surgery. I flew down in May 2020 to see him, in case it was the last time. I found out they were living in a terrible situation, filthy, urinating on the floor, she was physically unable to cook, he was frail and sickly and they were both depressed. To my own astonishment, I packed them up, acquired a condo for them, and a few months later, moved to them to where I was already living, taking care of my other 3 elders.
Their needs were utterly endless and my father HATED his life in the condo. Every day when I saw them, he'd talk about how wonderful his life had been before in Missouri. He was SO lonely and bored. When their needs were too much, I eased them into a wonderful AL, paid for largely by the state since they are broke. They made many friends. There's lots to do each day. But...all he does is complain. Everything is wrong with the place. The director said he's the resident who complains just about the most. Yesterday, he was furious because they only gave him a half a glass of beer at happy hour. Good grief!
I am starting to think this is his character, not something I can do anything about. I've spent now nearly 6 years jumping for him, trying to make things OK, and he's never OK. Nothing is ever right. He demands that I "let" him out so he can...go build houses in Missouri. Except he can't walk or lift more than a pencil these days, much less a hammer.
Do you have this issue? How do you handle it? I have come to hate calling them because all I get is a To Do List that's a mile long and a bunch of grumbling. Advice?
Your father sounds like someone who hasn't been mentally well--ever. He's impulsive, abandons people and expects everyone to cater to his whims. Add dementia--oh boy.
Step back. Let the AL manage him and his complaints. Develop some stock answers-- "we'll have to see what the doctor says", "well, I'm sure you can figure out how to get back to Missouri by yourself" and "No, I can't possibly do that".
Get up and leave if he becomes abusive.
Next, why have you done this for 6 years? It hasn’t made either of you happy, so why has it taken this long to realize it.
OF COURSE it’s his character, at least now. AND, maybe, he’s actually VERY HAPPY to be MISERABLE. So let that be.
Many, maybe even MOST people who NEED AL type living arrangements, thrive in AL, and are safe and comfortable in AL, HATE being in AL.
You are a FAR KINDER and MORE CONSCIENTIOUS caregiver than many are, but if BOTH parties are OK with what the other dishes out, LIFE GOES ON.
Hope YOU are doing enough FOR YOU. If you’re NOT, take a careful look at the dynamics of your intermingled lifestyles and see if you can pull out some fun for just YOU. You deserve it.
But I suspect there are individuals, Scots or not, who are ONLY happy when they can air a grievance. We have a client at the moment whose one single smile in half a dozen calls appeared when I explained why our service couldn't guarantee exact call timings* and he replied "so it's just bad organization then!" Seriously, that was the one moment when he seemed cheerful. Grinned from ear to ear.
How does your poor stepmother cope with him? (she's not deaf, is she? - it might help in this situation)
Is it worth it to you to address it, do you think? I mean, for example, you could try echoing - repeating back to him his demands and grievances, so that at the end of the call you summarize "so you want Item 1, Item 2, Item 3, Item 4 etc. with a deadline of (last) Thursday, and the beer at the ALF is absolutely terrible - plus they only gave you half a glass. Shall I write to your Congressman?"
I suppose it very much depends on your sense of humour, but if you are able to adopt a light, gently ironic approach - at all times bearing in mind that you are a volunteer and nobody can actually MAKE you put up with this b/s - you might genuinely begin to see the funny side of his regrettable personality.
* Because we have clients like him, whose calls sometimes take ten minutes and sometimes an hour and a half, unpredictably. I am immensely proud that no one on the team has strangled him or tipped his breakfast over his head.** Yet.
** I am JOKING.
Now, I also saw on your profile other family members who will be needing your caregiving. Please think this over. Up to 40% of caregivers who are caring for a family member die leaving behind the person they were caring. Ask yourself, what would happen to them if you weren't around. Bet they would all find themselves in senior living and others helping them.
Stepdad was concerned because BioDad and his wife have transferred their demands to him. I said to him that I've stepped back since November, and that he has the right to turn down their craziness too. He has enough with my poor nutty mother, for sure.
Thanks for your help and insights, everyone. Very helpful and reassuring.