My boyfriend and I are both thirty and have been together for over a decade. We both still live at home with our families as we are finishing school and trying to save money for a future together. A year ago, we decided that I would move in to live with my BF and his younger sister once his mom and fiancee tied the knot and got a place of their own. Their home is paid off and we agreed to work together to host 2 international students, whose rent would cover utilities. This would allow all three of us to save and just figure out household chores and cooking. I made sure everyone understood that while living there, I would be completing a full-time nursing degree, and would not be working, as I would be on student loans. I did not want to feel resented. We were all excited about this and making plans, when his mom decided that she wanted to stay with her new hubby instead, and charge us rent, which is completely fair, as she is the homeowner. Here is the current situation: my boyfriend still wants me to move in. He has no savings, his mom pays for his tuition, he will be graduating this spring, and will be done paying off his car next year. I am currently working F/T on contract, which ends in the fall. I have savings put away for our future, which are locked in investments. I am saving as much of my income as I can for school while paying off student debt. I live at home and help support my mom and younger brothers. Our home is not paid off. (My dad abandoned us and left everything on our mom). While I know I agreed to move out with him last year, it was on different terms. I wanted to do it because it meant we could finally take a step forward and save; but now he feels that I'm having second thoughts because I don't want to live with his mom and that I just never want to move out, which is not the case. My boyfriend's mom and I have a good relationship and I do want to move out. I just feel guilty about moving into their place and paying his mom rent when he can't afford to, especially when I could be paying my own mom rent, who needs it more.
To me, you sound like the more responsible one from what you have shared and he might be expecting you to carry him which is not healthy.
I often tell people who ask me if they should do this or that:
If there is doubt, do not do it. Wait.
Wait until you are clear and until it feels absolutely right for your own heart.
You sound like a responsible adult. Your boyfriend sounds like someone’s dependent who is hoping to adult some day.
Listen to your instincts.
Last year you agreed that you would move in to BF's home once his mother "tied the knot" with her fiancé and they got a place of their own, and there were plans to bring in tenant students to finance the place. But then you go on to say that mother now wants to "stay with hubby" and charge rent on the family house. I don't understand what the significant change of plan is? Mother's moving out, she'll be charging rent. What's different?
But looking at the wider perspective. You and BF have been together since you were kids, 11 years is a long time when you're thirty. You are both of you rapidly approaching the end of your educational years and about to go out into the world. You're both responsible about money, aiming to pay off your debts, earn your living, and save for a home. You sound like a good match, to the casual observer.
So are you sure the friction about who pays whom rent isn't more to do with stress and anxiety in a time of major transition for both of you than it is about whether you're really going to leave your mother?
You have also may have concerns that bf is dependent on his mother as he lives there rent free, she pays his tuition, and also he has not saved anything, though he is paying his car off.
In addition, you are concerned about your mother, who needs the rent you pay her.
That's a lot of concerns.
To me, it would seem wise to wait until you are sure what you want to do. Don't allow your bf to emotionally blackmail you into making a decision you are not comfortable with. You both are on the brink of completing your education, and should be able to earn money, and set yourselves up independently, or even have him move into your mum's place with you for a while as she needs the rent money. How long do you anticipate that she needs the extra support you give her?
And charge you rent, or at least your share of the household bills.
No. No no. I think not.
BF stay where he is. You stay where you are. Both of you save like mad. Soon as you can, you get a place together and you both say fond farewells to your respective mothers.
What's sauce for the goose and all that...