The person I’m speaking of is my husband of 24 years. He was diagnosed with bladder cancer in December of 2017, followed by a lung cancer diagnosis in February of 2018. He’s been in remission for almost a year now.
At the beginning of Covid, he instantly became a different person. Shut everyone out of his life and basically became a hermit and literally only ever left the house for doctors’ appointments. During that time, he also got extremely quiet. I was lucky to get 30 words a day out of him. Since about December of 2022, this verbal aggression has progressively escalated to the point of him threatening to divorce me every single time I didn’t 100% agree with everything he said or did? To date, he’s threatened to divorce me 6 times.
He’s now started to give me an allowance. I’m only allowed to spend X amount of money per month. My spending habits have never been an issue, but just 3 short weeks ago he opened an account in my name and deposited a certain amount of money into this account.
All of this behavior is new. As I’d previously stated, I’m 62 and he’s 82.
One last thing. Being his wife, I just thought I’d be his POA. What do I need to do to make sure that I am?
POA is a legal document done by your husband to appoint you or someone else to be POA for him. It should be done by an attorney, not pulled off of the computer. Problem is that since he is denying you your own money at this point it's real unlikely he will be giving you any control over HIS.
You have a gentleman who is clearly now having dementia or some mental disorder.
I would say, given the level of his aggression and stealing you marital finances that you need to leave at once, and perhaps should have been out of there long ago if your money is not in your own name.
It is time NOW to see an elder law attorney to discuss your options. Take the details of your accounts, any paperwork you and husband have done (wills and etc. and know your will may already contain a springing POA which the attorney can discuss with you). You may be needing to file for legal separation whether you stay with this gentleman or NOT. That way you can get control of your own finances so as to protect them and put your own finances where he cannot access them.
See an attorney. If an aggressive move is made against you time to call EMS and report it, along with your local police so that he can be transported to ER where he may need a 5150 hold for evaluation. Do consider speaking with APS also, so they know you are helpless against this gentleman, and unable to get him in for assessment on your own.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/can-anyone-tell-explain-the-aggression-aspect-of-dementia-i-cant-take-much-more-of-his-abusive-behav-487867.htm
Do you not have a joint bank account??? Are the finances in HIS name ONLY and only now you have your own funds he's giving you as an "allowance"? I hope that's not the case, I really do.
I also hope you have the good sense to sit down immediately with a Certified Elder Care attorney to discuss what's going on with your husband and what YOUR rights are as a long term (I would imagine) wife. You are not automatically a POA......your husband must appoint you as his POA for financial and medical decisions on his behalf. But not if he's demented to the point he's incapacitated. Then it's too late. But he must agree to sign the forms, and the attorney can advise you accordingly.
In the meantime, next time he's verbally aggressive towards you, more so than just threatening divorce, but threatening you in general, call 911. Have him taken to the ER for testing. Tell the EMS people you do not feel safe with DH anymore. He needs a diagnosis asap. He could've suffered a stroke when his behavior changed dramatically. Why on earth has he not been to a doctor since all this started in 2020?????
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. Call the police if need be. Folks with dementia are very unpredictable. Keep that in mind.
He’s old enough to be your father, and he’s starting to treat you like you’re his kid.
Please go talk to an elder law attorney right away, even if it's without him (and don't tell him anything -- you will just wind him up and make him more paranoid).
I also agree to call 911 if his verbal threats escalate to insinuations of physical violence. Even video this behavior to enforce your case and to protect yourself. He may be able to be Baker Act-ed, or the hospital may be able to keep him in the psych wing until they can get meds in him to calm his/level out his behavior. If this happens and someone has legal authority for him, he could go directly into a facility.
But a lot is going to happen between that and what's going on right now, so be sure to protect yourself physically, emotionally/mentally and financially.
He sounds abusive. It doesn't sound like dementia to me. He sounds like he is just plain mean and controlling. Also, check out the website for domestic abuse. The verbal abuse is of a concern. The verbal abuse always precedes the physical abuse. Domestic abuse can also include financial abuse and wanting control of all the money and how you spend it. If he asks for receipts, just tell him you misplaced it. You can talk to a DV counselor for free on the Domestic Abuse Hotline.
My mother went through this with my father taking the checkbooks every summer when he left. He would come back when the new school year would start leaving her with no money during the summer months while he was away. She couldn't even afford to pay the bills or buy groceries for the summer and had to borrow money from the neighbors. Finally, at the advice of an older woman neighbor, she started taking checks from the back of the checkbook in order to buy food and pay the bills. It was crazy!
Do you work and earn your own money, or did he make you financially dependent on him? Sounds like you need to seek financial freedom from him. Next time he threatened divorce, I would take him up on his offer. And get a good divorce lawyer.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/can-anyone-tell-explain-the-aggression-aspect-of-dementia-i-cant-take-much-more-of-his-abusive-behav-487867.htm