My soulmate was put into hospice after 2 strokes. He was talking some before he went to hospice, once in hospice he didn't move a muscle or utter one word. He was doped up on morphine and basically starved. No food, no water. He lasted 10 days there. He became a skeleton, literally. It was heartbreaking. I ask -- what is the difference between giving someone a lethal injection vs letting them starve to death, a slow process.... they both have the same result, death. Seems like a fast end would be the best way to go.
Hospice won't force a person to eat. When a person is that far into the dying process the body doesn't process food and it becomes a negative. Healthy people often feel terrible because they think that their loved one is hungry. At that point, food isn't the issue. Through studies, they've found that even hydrating does nothing for comfort and just prolongs the process.
As was mentioned, taking an action to kill is illegal. What hospice does is try to keep the person comfortable while they die a natural death. In some cases, the person going through the death process is at a point where large enough doses of morphine are needed to prevent pain that they do become uncommunicative. My thoughts there are that I'd rather have them out of pain. We can still communicate by holding their hands and talking to them.
As was mentioned, if you had a POA, you certainly could ask questions. I know that some hospice organizations are better than others. My experience was with the cream of the crop. But most are good and are willing to explain the process when asked.
Take care of yourself, now. You might want to attend the grief counseling that hospice offers for 13 months after the death of a loved one.
Carol
I am very sorry you lost your soulmate, and further, that he did not die peacefully in his sleep. We all wish for that.
People do not get put on hospice because they're getting better. We all know that. It's very difficult to accept. You've told us nothing about his condition post-stroke. Could he eat? Or was he aspirating food because he couldn't swallow properly? Did he have the pneumonia that often accompanies that condition? Could he breath on his own? What other health issues did he have?
Most of us don't understand the death process. Hospice workers do. If we don't ASK them why they"re doing what they're doing, we SURELY don't understand.
Did you ask questions?
It sounds as though your soulmate died peacefully. I think that's what all of us wish for those we love....and for ourselves. You know he was not going to get well. Sometimes we have to be careful what we heroically save someone FOR. The horrors of death unmanaged aren't for sissies.
God bless you.
My SIL is a dr. and he is really becoming strongly in favor of doctor assisted death. He hasn't done it, of course, it's illegal, but he talks passionately about the needless suffering he sees in so many patients, who are really ready to go, but take forever to actually die.
My FIL was in the hospital the day he died, in a coma, but breathing on his own..dr asked us if he could give him "something to help him be more comfortable" and explained in detail his condition to us. The two children present said "Yes, whatever will make him more comfortable". The dr went to dad's IV line and turned his back to us. I saw him take a very full syringe out of his pocket, he injected the entire contents into the IV line, pocketed the syringe and said he'd wait on the floor, didn't think dad had much longer....within 10 minutes he was gone. I know he gave dad a huge dose of morphine. Some would call that dr assisted death..I called it an act of compassion. I think all of us wish and hope for a peaceful, "beautiful" death--with dignity. I was grateful that hospice care workers had explained to us the end of life signs....both my FIL's and dad's deaths were peaceful and calm.
It is so wonderful to see the wide acceptance of hospice these days. But more education needs to be done. Lots of folks still think that hospice KILLS people. These folks should have seen my grandad die.
What made it so hard for me is I had been talking to her on the phone. I thought she sounded weird so I phoned her right back after we had been through talking.
I asked her if she was okay and she said "Yes, dear I'm fine" I said you probably wouldn't tell me if you weren't okay and she said "Yes, Your probably right" Then, I sang that song by Carol King, You've got a friend to her.She laughed and said Thank-you dear, I love you always" Half hour later the nursing home phoned and said they found her unresponsive and they rushed her to hospital where she died seven days later. She never ever gained consciousness. That phone call was my last conversation with her. Even though it was tender and sweet, I wish I could of had a chance to really say good bye to her.
I felt the hospital rushed me into a decision without giving me time to really contemplate things. We had gotten differing opinions from the neurologist and the primary doctor on call. I wish everyone had been on the same page so to speak.
My family left it up to me to discuss things with the doctor and I feel he bullied me
and I wish the whole family had been there.
I wish and regret and I know it is pointless as I said earlier but I just can't shake the constant guilt and regret.
Ah well, Stacey. Life does go on right?
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