My mother who is 81 is housebound due to Arthritis. She doesn’t make an effort to do anything, doesn’t open windows, sits in front of that tv all day and night. We have had brilliant weather and she won’t even sit outside for fresh air and all she does is complain about the Carers. I was away with work for a week and had a great time when I came back I went round to see her and she depresses the life out of me and I leave feeling really down. She lives in a bungalow so could quite easy sit outside but says she doesn’t want to surely this isn’t normal to live in a house and never see daylight this has gone on for 2 years now any advice is welcome thanks
How is her general health? Is she seen by a physician or other medical specialist on a regular basis?
Does she have regular blood work done?
Do you associate her behavior with depression or anxiety?
What was she like BEFORE 2 years ago? Did she enjoy a more active life style?
In her description of her, you mention MANY specific complaints that can and do diminish enjoyment of active life. Hearing loss, depression/anxiety both shrink interest and enthusiasm for activity, even of the type that others of the same age as she is find pleasant.
Does she have any social contacts from her younger days who are still living? Loss of associates is painful, and some elderly are more comfortable letting themselves forget about the past rather than wistfully revisiting it.
Consider- you may be terribly depressed by her behavior at present, but you have your own life and your own feelings. SHE doesn’t depress you. YOU, in a loving attempt to empathize with her and attempt to solve her problems, project YOUR SADNESS for her and for where she is right now.
You have people caring for her when you’re not in her area. Rely on them to do what needs to be done, but keep in touch with their reports about her complaints. If they can tell you something objective and specific about something you can change regarding her present situation, CHANGE IT. If there is nothing to “FIX”, take comfort that you’ve tried, and let her enjoy her griping and TV.
Then there is the issue of loneliness. Are there any senior centers that provide transport for elders in her area? You may need to go with her the first few times (if she's physically able and mentally willing). Wishing you success in helping her better her situation!
If your mother is still of sound mind then leave her to it to live as she wants.
You say she complains incessantly to you about her Carers. I would suggest you talk to them privately and ask them what she's like when they're with her. It could very well be that she gets on perfectly well with them, but just wants to complain to you about something. Talk to them.
Some years back I worked for an old Irish guy here. He was sick and had stopped going out and didn't leave the house except to go to the doctor. His wife was completely invalid with dementia and had to be housebound. She couldn't be taken out anymore. They had other caregivers (carers) who were always complaining because because he wouldn't eat for them, or willing to get up, or do anything else.
One day when I came to their house for work, I poured us each a pint of Guinness (I had checked with his doctor to make sure he could have it) and put it them on the outside table in the yard. He came out and we sat out there having our pints for almost an hour. We didn't talk much. I didn't do the ridiculously forced cheeriness that so many people who work with the elderly feel they have to do. The other caregivers did this. Our pints became a regular thing. When I took over the morning hours, he started eating again because he wanted a proper Irish breakfast and the other caregivers didn't know what this was. They also didn't know how to make a proper cup of tea for him. After several months, I was able to get him to go out a little. For a drive or out for lunch.
Talk to your mother's Carers. It could be they're just not taking the right approach with her. Sometimes small things like having a drink with the person or eating with them is enough to start getting them to do more like go outside or open the shades.
Culture is so important.
Do her caregivers try to get her to go outside? Fresh air and sunshine (vitamin D!) could be good for her mood. They can have meals outdoors with her. They could/should be doing things with her to improve her life at least a little bit. Even if she says she doesn't want to, depending on her level of dementia, she may not really know much about what she would really like at this point.
Wait, can she get out of her house? With her arthritis? If not, if she has any money, have a ramp built. Put her in a wheelchair and get her out of the house that way. How about some PT to help with her pain? So many options/ideas shared here from everyone but if she will NOT do it, then that's that. You can try though!
Maybe in addition to your mom's caregivers who only come in for 15 minutes just for her basic needs, you could get her a companion.
Someone who's only job is hanging out with a person.
Companions are strictly for socialization. They don't do housekeeping or hands-on care.
They spend time with the client, do recreational activities, and take the client out.
Your mother might like to have someone coming around who isn't about her health conditions and care needs.
Years ago when I was young I was a companion to an elderly man who had been a university professor and a music prodigy.
He didn't live alone. His cousin and her husband moved into his gorgeous home and pretty much just took it over and didn't give him the time of day. Fortunately they didn't have full control of his money and assets though.
At the time I was from an agency and his insurance was paying for me. Otherwise his family wouldn't have been on board with such a service. He absolutely refused to go to adult daycare like his cousin insisted he do and rightly so. He didn't have dementia. He was just elderly and not in the best of health. My friend worked at the day care facility he went to. The place was nice, clean, and the staff was friendly. There was no way that a man like him was going to play bingo, do a puzzle, or have a sing-a-long with the people in the day care.
We started going out to all kinds of places. Excellent restaurants, museum exhibits, libraries, etc... The university he taught at was right in town and he liked to go and listen to the program rehearsals going on for the concert seasons. Everyone knew him and he loved doing this. He also started to enjoy spending his own money again which grieved his family greatly. He didn't drive anymore and I had no problem taking him to the bank any time he wanted. His 'caregiver' family really blew a gasket when we went to Brooks Brothers so he could buy himself a new suit. Anyway, a good companion can make a great difference in someone's life.
We may not like the decisions our elderly parents make but they are entitled to make them and we need to butt out until they ask for assistance or someone HAS to get involved. If you do not have POA then it would be a good idea to work with her to get this set up before any loss in mental capacity means it cannot be done. You don't get authority unless she gives it just because it exists but it is useful to have in place for any future need.