I thought it might be nice to start a thread that is just for posting and sharing how we are doing. A thread that is all about us. Pure share and support. Nothing specific. Very open ended to just say what you want or need to say and reply to others who you feel moved to do so.
I will start....
Today I feel a bit anxious. Mother is coming home from nursing home tomorrow. She wasn't doing well walking and really I was pretty sure she was going to die soon as she has:
a stage 4 bedsore on her coccyx,
had 5 infections in a year,
lost 20 pounds in six months,
has edema,
started developing another bedsore on her heel,
had low protein upon admittance to the nursing home for rehab despite eating very well at home (fish, meat, eggs, cheese, fresh veggies and fruits, etc),
has periods of confusion,
seems weak and like she couldn't even walk well or get up/lay down without some assistance and now some help with ADLs from what I have seen.
I mean to me all of this seems pretty serious and I feel like she's probably not long for this world. And I actually feel relief at the thought of that for a myriad of reasons that most of you can imagine.
So today I'm trying to manage all this, to be okay with how things are and be okay with how they evolve while also thinking how much less stressful it would be if she just passed away. I feel awful for that but I cannot help how I feel. I never wanted to be a caregiver but here I am. I hope to god I don't have to do it for very long. I've already been at it (less intense caregiving but still being a caregiver) for over a year.
This is has been a long week, Autumn. Hubby started out with blowouts four times a day. Now he’s got the urge but no success. I’ve had to roll him over (he’s 325#) five times today and my back is so sore it’s not even sore anymore. Visiting Physicians is coming out tomorrow to check him out. I can’t get him in the car even though we have a power chair and a Hoyer Lift.
I ran around today collecting papers for our Medicaid Waiver and for our Offer in Compromise to the IRS because we owe money we can’t pay. Please hold good thoughts!
I am sending you some positive energy and hope it boomerangs back to me!
In reply to your post, my heart goes out to you.
I agree, what that bedsore. Have you been taught how to care for it?
As to your feelings about caring for your mother, I understand entirely. I have also found myself wondering if it will be better for my mother to just pass away. I don't know what your relationship with your mother is. Try to think of any good times. Try to think of any quality things you can do together, to make some good memories. Death is so final. Is there anything you would like to say to your mother while she is still in this world? Is there anything you would like to do together?
For how I am feeling:
Currently rather heartbroken. My mother is currently staying with me. Not what I wanted and nothing was planned. I think if there is preparation it is much better. My mother's behaviour is so hard to take. Her attitude to my husband is causing problems. I'm thinking she might need to go to an old age home or something but I feel so guilty considering placing her. She does not have the money to live alone. She believes she is still 20 or so, but her function is not what it once was.
There are so many discussions I'd love to have with her. The problem is she is not able to hear my feelings or my reality. Does it help to try to talk to her? What can one talk about to a parent who is only interested in their angle on reality. Likes to pretend what I think, believe, like etc. I am so tired of having to be someone I am not. It has robbed me of life, in so many ways. But trying to be me is not going so well.
So I am heartbroken and torn and yes, there are times I think of when she wont be here any longer. I think of the freedom I will have to be myself. It hurts