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He thinks I should pay for my replacement. Medicare will not. 65 yo post CVA male. Needs custodial, around-the-clock assistance (full) with all activities of daily living. Only has use of non-dominant arm.
Ina I am sympathetic to your needing time off and do not mean to be unkind.
If I understand things correctly, you decided to take care of your brother after his son, your nephew, had decided to place his dad.
You objected to the placement and took on the care and you now want the nephew to provide you respite.
It is a common issue on this forum for family members to have difference of opinion on caring for a loved one. As in who should do what.
Usually it is the siblings. One does all the work while others are critical or MIA.
It is the general consensus that
1. The LO should pay for their own care needs and if they can’t, they seek gov assistance.
2. The caregiver (in this case, you, the sister) should not expect the other family members to bail them out because the other family members have made it clear they will not be doing caregiving and the caregiver took it on for their own reasons.
3. The CG has to accept that they can only control their own actions and not those of the siblings, in this case, your nephew.
My suggestion Call your Area Agency on Aging and see if they can guide you on how to get respite. No doubt you need it.
On approaching your nephew …
I will suggest to you what the nephew may be feeling…
You presented your situation as if you were taking the high road and he the lower, You made an individual choice to provide care. Your choice.
However, It is presumptuous to decide that we know better what someone else should do with their own life.
Nephew allowed you to take over the care of his father. Now you want him to pay for someone else to provide the care because you are tired.
You, as an RN, were predisposed to accept the challenge, but nephew, perhaps understood all along that he could not do what you thought was the higher calling. You wouldn’t be needing respite now if you hadn’t interfered in what nephew had decided for his father.
Who is the legal guardian? Perhaps start there and work towards a practical and sustainable solution for your brother.
I am sorry for your situation. It is heartbreaking for all concerned.
My brother wanted to go home, not be in a nursing home. His son thought the agency would provide care for his Dad if I needed time off. They would, for 8 hours a day. That person has to be recommended by my brother. It's been 3 years. This was the first time I ever asked my nephew to "pitch in", take his Dad for a few days or come here and spend a few days with his Dad. We, my brother and I are moving back to my home in Florida this fall. My brother is fully competent, makes his own decisions. His son has his own life. I get that. When my brother had his stroke, he was all involved. Wanting the best care, rehab for his Dad. Once he went home, it was out of sight, out of mind. I have fought to continue his at home therapy, which he has been getting for 3 years, twice a week. I have fostered him to be independent, but only having one hand makes it difficult. Covid-19 happened, and he didn't see his son, or grandkids for nearly 2 years.
Why could the OP not say its her brother and nephew. Patient and son sounds like she has been hired.
No, its not your responsibility to pay for someone to take ur place. You deserve some time to get away. Nephew can take vacation time from work. Where did he get this idea. You are doing him a big favor. You are not responsible for the care of a sibling. His son is responsible for his care. I am 72 and there is no way I would take care of anyone 24/7 besides my DH. I think your nephew is unrealistic.
As an RN you could be working per diam and doing well. If you are going to do caring, you should be paid for it. Time to tell nephew ur not his slave. That you will be taking some time off and he will need to work something out. Maybe he can find an AL that gives respite care.
This is not your problem. As a volunteer you tell him you are taking off and he has a week or two to find another option. This is why I no longer voulunteer.
You are an employee and as an employee you are entitled to time off. Your employer should be paying for your substitute.
I hope you are not working 24/7. This is against labor laws. You are considered an employee by IRS. Your employer should be deducting payroll taxes and matching Social Security. If you are a live in your room is a perk and should be paid minimum wage at least. If not a live in you should be paid the going rate. As a live-in you are entitled to time off. Just like any job you work 40 hrs a week time and half over that. The time ur off client needs to hire someone else. You can check with ur Labor Board to see if I am correct.
She is not an employee. An employee gets wages in exchange for their labor. Since we don't have slavery or indentured contract servants anymore a person who works without being paid is a volunteer. Volunteers leave any time they want. No one works for free. If a person dug themselves into a hole by agreeing to free rent with room and board in exchange for live-in caregiving services, well then that's on them. The OP should look for an RN job then pack her bags and leave like a thief in the night. The people using her caregiving services don't think they owe her anything so in turn she doesn't owe them anything.
I'm a little confused here. Your profile says you've been an RN for 30 years but mostly you're a caregiver for family/friends. You don't get compensated and if you want time off you pay for fill-ins. This is confusing to me because I know the kind of money an RN can make. Why would you waste your time doing bullsh*t CNA work and custodial/companion work for free when you could be earning big money by getting an RN job. Why you would do it for people who clearly have no respect for you and who do not value your service to them in any way is beyond my understanding. Caregivers don't pay other caregivers to do their job when they want time off. The people they are caregivers for pay that.
Working as a family caregiver. Paid, paying taxes, social security, etc. I took a leave from RN for my brother so he could go home. Will be moving back to Florida, bringing him with me. It was always the plan that he would live with me in Florida. I will be able to retire next year, maybe do some per diem RN work, (teaching). Yes, I sacrificed a much better paying job, but he is my only brother. He would have done the same for me. I was only asking for a few hundred dollars. I am going back and forth to work on the house we will be moving to.
I'm sorry, you wished to take on this burden. Your nephew may not have the financial means or time/physical ability to provide any more assistance. There may be a better solution (SNF)for all involved.
I had not requested any help from him for 3 years. He is very successful. Just bought his 3rd home. I asked him for $275. The house he just bought is $1.5 million dollars, $200k to join the country club.
Though getting 24 hour care is extremely difficult. It was an option the SNF tried to push on me, I just did not want the responsibility thus why they are still in a SNF.
Before, you said the son, your nephew wanted "the state to take over" his dad's care. You mentioned this in your other thread. Now, you said the son was at the beginning "he was all involved. Wanting the best care, rehab for his Dad" Why did the son change? You mentioned the reason was "out of sight, out of mind". I think there's more to it.
You said the son is "very successful. Just bought his 3rd home. I asked him for $275. The house he just bought is $1.5 million dollars, $200k to join the country club." I just can't believe the son who was all involved in his dad's care at one point, wanted the best for dad, and is a millionaire would refuse $275 for his dad's care. I think there's more to it.
In any case, your brother is very lucky that you sacrifice so much for him, and will continue to do so by you moving him to your house soon to continue caring for him.
I don't think you will get your nephew to help with his dad's care if he doesn't want to.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I am sympathetic to your needing time off and do not mean to be unkind.
If I understand things correctly, you decided to take care of your brother after his son, your nephew, had decided to place his dad.
You objected to the placement and took on the care and you now want the nephew to provide you respite.
It is a common issue on this forum for family members to have difference of opinion on caring for a loved one. As in who should do what.
Usually it is the siblings. One does all the work while others are critical or MIA.
It is the general consensus that
1. The LO should pay for their own care needs and if they can’t, they seek gov assistance.
2. The caregiver (in this case, you, the sister) should not expect the other family members to bail them out because the other family members have made it clear they will not be doing caregiving and the caregiver took it on for their own reasons.
3. The CG has to accept that they can only control their own actions and not those of the siblings, in this case, your nephew.
My suggestion
Call your Area Agency on Aging and see if they can guide you on how to get respite. No doubt you need it.
On approaching your nephew …
I will suggest to you what the nephew may be feeling…
You presented your situation as if you were taking the high road and he the lower,
You made an individual choice to provide care. Your choice.
However, It is presumptuous to decide that we know better what someone else should do with their own life.
Nephew allowed you to take over the care of his father. Now you want him to pay for someone else to provide the care because you are tired.
You, as an RN, were predisposed to accept the challenge, but nephew, perhaps understood all along that he could not do what you thought was the higher calling.
You wouldn’t be needing respite now if you hadn’t interfered in what nephew had decided for his father.
Who is the legal guardian? Perhaps start there and work towards a practical and sustainable solution for your brother.
I am sorry for your situation. It is heartbreaking for all concerned.
No, its not your responsibility to pay for someone to take ur place. You deserve some time to get away. Nephew can take vacation time from work. Where did he get this idea. You are doing him a big favor. You are not responsible for the care of a sibling. His son is responsible for his care. I am 72 and there is no way I would take care of anyone 24/7 besides my DH. I think your nephew is unrealistic.
As an RN you could be working per diam and doing well. If you are going to do caring, you should be paid for it. Time to tell nephew ur not his slave. That you will be taking some time off and he will need to work something out. Maybe he can find an AL that gives respite care.
This is not your problem. As a volunteer you tell him you are taking off and he has a week or two to find another option. This is why I no longer voulunteer.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-do-you-deal-with-family-members-who-offer-no-help-when-you-are-taking-care-of-their-parent-473699.htm?orderby=oldest
I hope you are not working 24/7. This is against labor laws. You are considered an employee by IRS. Your employer should be deducting payroll taxes and matching Social Security. If you are a live in your room is a perk and should be paid minimum wage at least. If not a live in you should be paid the going rate. As a live-in you are entitled to time off. Just like any job you work 40 hrs a week time and half over that. The time ur off client needs to hire someone else. You can check with ur Labor Board to see if I am correct.
Since we don't have slavery or indentured contract servants anymore a person who works without being paid is a volunteer.
Volunteers leave any time they want. No one works for free.
If a person dug themselves into a hole by agreeing to free rent with room and board in exchange for live-in caregiving services, well then that's on them.
The OP should look for an RN job then pack her bags and leave like a thief in the night.
The people using her caregiving services don't think they owe her anything so in turn she doesn't owe them anything.
Son better figure it out.
This is confusing to me because I know the kind of money an RN can make.
Why would you waste your time doing bullsh*t CNA work and custodial/companion work for free when you could be earning big money by getting an RN job. Why you would do it for people who clearly have no respect for you and who do not value your service to them in any way is beyond my understanding.
Caregivers don't pay other caregivers to do their job when they want time off. The people they are caregivers for pay that.
https://www.health.ny.gov/facilities/long_term_care/waiver/nhtd_manual/
Or
https://www.health.ny.gov/health_care/medicaid/program/longterm/cdpap.htm
Though getting 24 hour care is extremely difficult. It was an option the SNF tried to push on me, I just did not want the responsibility thus why they are still in a SNF.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-do-you-deal-with-family-members-who-offer-no-help-when-you-are-taking-care-of-their-parent-473699.htm?orderby=recent
Before, you said the son, your nephew wanted "the state to take over" his dad's care. You mentioned this in your other thread.
Now, you said the son was at the beginning "he was all involved. Wanting the best care, rehab for his Dad"
Why did the son change? You mentioned the reason was "out of sight, out of mind". I think there's more to it.
You said the son is "very successful. Just bought his 3rd home. I asked him for $275. The house he just bought is $1.5 million dollars, $200k to join the country club."
I just can't believe the son who was all involved in his dad's care at one point, wanted the best for dad, and is a millionaire would refuse $275 for his dad's care. I think there's more to it.
In any case, your brother is very lucky that you sacrifice so much for him, and will continue to do so by you moving him to your house soon to continue caring for him.
I don't think you will get your nephew to help with his dad's care if he doesn't want to.
Wishing you the best.
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