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She is 91 yo; she has imbalance and mild memory issues. In January 2026, she fell and hurt her back...was admitted to hospital for one week, then transferred to nursing rehab for one month.
Shortly thereafter, she wondered off one night alone, in a state of confussion, and brought back home by a neighbor who found her on the ground, thank God.
I took her to ER, where she was diagnosed with delirium. Her mother and sister both died from Alzheimers. I was told she should not be left alone.
I am her only child left out of three (two deceased). I am 69 yo and always exhausted and dizzy to the point where I passed out last week.
I left my home to move in with her. It is a huge struggle just trying to do any housework, etc. My husband stays in my/our home and he is very unsympathetic/ empathetic. I applied for in-home health waiver in February, but it is a long process.
I appreciate this forum. It has helped me understand my mom's bad attitude among other things. She's always been stubborn and difficult to deal with and she's getting even worse.
Btw, I am under medical and mental health care. Any words of advice will be much appreciated.
Thank you and God bless.

You can't and shouldn't be your mothers caregiver. I mean what are you doing? Are you trying to die before she does as that's what will happen if you're not careful, as 40% of caregivers die before their loved one with dementia from stress related issues? Do you want that to be you?
Plus you married your husband not your mother, so why should he be sympathetic/empathetic? Your top priorities should be yourself(and your health), your husband, your marriage, and your children if applicable, and way down at the bottom of the list comes your mother.
Get your mother placed ASAP in the appropriate facility and GO BACK HOME where you belong!!!
And if money is an issue for your mother you'll have to apply for medicaid for her. Once your mother is placed in a facility you can get back to just being her loving daughter and not her burned out and overwhelmed caregiver.
You matter too in this equation...PLEASE don't forget that.
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chicky141 14 hours ago
She won't allow me to place her in a facility. Unfortunately/ fortunately, she is competent enough to make her own decisions, so I cannot make her. But, I do appreciate what you said. It gave me food for thought.
Thank you funkygrandma59.
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Chicky, I disagree that mom is competent enough to make her own decisions. What is "enough?" She wanders, is confused, lying on the ground, but maybe she can understand next time she's alone not to wander? Or she can figure out her future and find herself a memory care facility on her own? Or she knows how to put her clothes on correctly, and that seems "competent," never mind that she could walk out of the house any minute and not know how to get back home?

I'm not buying that she's competent, especially since you were told she can't live alone. You need help; you can't count on husband. So where does that leave this? Hiring overnight caregivers is expensive, and they're in and out of the house disturbing your sleep. Managing them is a chore unto itself. That won't help your health problems at all. So that's not a good solution.

Now we're down to what possibilities are left. Mom going to a facility leads the list. That would free you to go home to husband, take care of yourself, and survive this mess. How can you find a facility if you're so tired already? And mom needs you there, not gallivanting off to Shady Oaks Long-Term care to look around.

Contact a social worker from one of the places mom has been and ask where to start. They may give you some good ideas or direct you to other social workers and agencies. Hopefully you'll learn of options to pay for her care. Is the house completely owned by the bank through a home equity loan? That doesn't seem possible. Check to find out how much the bank can claim; then when it sells, they get that much and there's some left for mom's care. Or that's how I think it worked with friends of mine; I've never had experience with such a financial issue, so can't advise, but I urge you to find out the truth about the situation.

I hope you can navigate your way through this by rethinking your responsibilities, admitting mom's true mental state, and finding a place where she gets the professional care she now needs. Please keep us posted.
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PeggySue2020 12 hours ago
Really good advice fawnby.
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Your Mother has had a long life.

You made vows to your husband, not your Mother. Get her placed and back out.
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How is mother "competent" to make her own decisions when shes out alone at night wandering around in confusion and found on the ground?? And medical professionals flat out told you she should not be left alone! You are not her POA? If not, I'd MOVE out immediately and leave her agency phone numbers to hire paid help. Or else you face the prospect of dying before she does, and divorce too. You've done enough, it's time to recognize that now.

If you are her POA, you CAN place her in Assisted Living or Memory Care (MC) Assisted Living against her wishes on her doctors orders of not being able to live alone. If dementia or Alzheimer's is diagnosed, she can go into Memory Care. Her home is sold to finance the cost of care.

You matter too and so does your husband. I feel sorry for him and for the fact that you're sicker than mom but still stuck in the FOG of thinking it's your job to provide hands on care at 69.

Wake up. Please. While there's still time. I pray to God you do.
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Beedevil66 13 hours ago
She does it out of love and loyalty, plus mom had her young, so that may figure into this as well.
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I believe you answered your own question. Your health is not good, and your marriage is in trouble.

It would be better to sell moms house and use the proceeds to pay for mc. Upon death, you would just get the cash back minus the mc fees. At 91, hopefully it won’t be that long.
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chicky141 14 hours ago
Unfortunately/fortunately, she is competent enough to make her own decisions, so I cannot just sell her home and she does not want to move in with me. But, I truly appreciate your response.
P.s. what is "mc", pardon my ignorance.
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Please go home, care for yourself, and leave mom to figure out she truly cannot live alone. It won’t take long. Report her as a vulnerable senior in need to APS. Do this before your health is completely gone, then you’ll certainly be no good to mom. A mother, in her right mind, a loving mother, would never expect or want this for you. But if you don’t stand up for your wellbeing, no one will ever do it for you
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I think you should not be your mother's caregiver.
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SnoopyLove 10 hours ago
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She is not competent if she is wandering around confused. Get another eval and get her placed ASAP. The first hospital did not diagnose my mom well and she was released to home. Thankfully the second took her state seriously and recommended placement. You should not be living with her or caring for her.
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Have you considered or has she ever had a Care Manager? You as well?
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