She is 91 yo; she has imbalance and mild memory issues. In January 2026, she fell and hurt her back...was admitted to hospital for one week, then transferred to nursing rehab for one month.
Shortly thereafter, she wondered off one night alone, in a state of confussion, and brought back home by a neighbor who found her on the ground, thank God.
I took her to ER, where she was diagnosed with delirium. Her mother and sister both died from Alzheimers. I was told she should not be left alone.
I am her only child left out of three (two deceased). I am 69 yo and always exhausted and dizzy to the point where I passed out last week.
I left my home to move in with her. It is a huge struggle just trying to do any housework, etc. My husband stays in my/our home and he is very unsympathetic/ empathetic. I applied for in-home health waiver in February, but it is a long process.
I appreciate this forum. It has helped me understand my mom's bad attitude among other things. She's always been stubborn and difficult to deal with and she's getting even worse.
Btw, I am under medical and mental health care. Any words of advice will be much appreciated.
Thank you and God bless.
Plus you married your husband not your mother, so why should he be sympathetic/empathetic? Your top priorities should be yourself(and your health), your husband, your marriage, and your children if applicable, and way down at the bottom of the list comes your mother.
Get your mother placed ASAP in the appropriate facility and GO BACK HOME where you belong!!!
And if money is an issue for your mother you'll have to apply for medicaid for her. Once your mother is placed in a facility you can get back to just being her loving daughter and not her burned out and overwhelmed caregiver.
You matter too in this equation...PLEASE don't forget that.
Thank you funkygrandma59.
It would be better to sell moms house and use the proceeds to pay for mc. Upon death, you would just get the cash back minus the mc fees. At 91, hopefully it won’t be that long.
P.s. what is "mc", pardon my ignorance.
You made vows to your husband, not your Mother. Get her placed and back out.
If you are her POA, you CAN place her in Assisted Living or Memory Care (MC) Assisted Living against her wishes on her doctors orders of not being able to live alone. If dementia or Alzheimer's is diagnosed, she can go into Memory Care. Her home is sold to finance the cost of care.
You matter too and so does your husband. I feel sorry for him and for the fact that you're sicker than mom but still stuck in the FOG of thinking it's your job to provide hands on care at 69.
Wake up. Please. While there's still time. I pray to God you do.
I'm not buying that she's competent, especially since you were told she can't live alone. You need help; you can't count on husband. So where does that leave this? Hiring overnight caregivers is expensive, and they're in and out of the house disturbing your sleep. Managing them is a chore unto itself. That won't help your health problems at all. So that's not a good solution.
Now we're down to what possibilities are left. Mom going to a facility leads the list. That would free you to go home to husband, take care of yourself, and survive this mess. How can you find a facility if you're so tired already? And mom needs you there, not gallivanting off to Shady Oaks Long-Term care to look around.
Contact a social worker from one of the places mom has been and ask where to start. They may give you some good ideas or direct you to other social workers and agencies. Hopefully you'll learn of options to pay for her care. Is the house completely owned by the bank through a home equity loan? That doesn't seem possible. Check to find out how much the bank can claim; then when it sells, they get that much and there's some left for mom's care. Or that's how I think it worked with friends of mine; I've never had experience with such a financial issue, so can't advise, but I urge you to find out the truth about the situation.
I hope you can navigate your way through this by rethinking your responsibilities, admitting mom's true mental state, and finding a place where she gets the professional care she now needs. Please keep us posted.
If she says no, she will not do either of those things, tell her okay, that is your choice. And then, stop helping her.
Do not fix or serve her any meals. She's capable on her own, right? Help her sign up for Meals on Wheels if it's available. Set up an account for her to order her own groceries, but do not do the ordering and do not put them away when they arrive.
Do not take her to any appointments. She's capable of getting there on her own, right? She can uber/lyft, call a taxi, take the bus, call a senior transport service through her city or county or privately. Help her put the app on her phone or look up the phone number or the website, but do not make the arrangements for her.
Do not do her laundry or cleaning. She doesn't need anyone to help her, remember? Help her find phone numbers or websites for cleaning services and pick-up/drop-off laundry service (if that is even available in her area), but let her make the arrangements.
And so on. Independence is what she wants, independence is what she gets. If having to do all this one her own doesn't convince her that she needs to move or hire in-home help. report to APS that she will be on her own and that she will need to be evaluated for help.
And then go home to your husband to resume your marriage and regain your health.
I will stop posting for awhile as I am in the hospital for atrialfib and I want to relax and enjoy this respite time😎.
Blessings to all.
Minus husband at home.
But with the a fib currently.
I have decided to move forward with having my mother placed in a SNF.
Also selling her house.
My health depends on this and I hope I can manage all of the legalities and red tape that comes with it.
I am her DPOA.
I have contacted APS and basically I've been giving over my life to keep my mother in a home she claims to want to leave to me. Even with dementia not formally diagnosed by the neurologist but an informal diagnosis of dementia with lewy body I still am making a stand to try and put my health first.
My siblings are also deceased. So the burden has fallen on me for a long time now. I can tell you Fawnby and Lealonnie know my story from years now and what they say is the truth and every person on here.
Never live with your parents and take on the caregiver roll by yourself.
Im so sorry to hear about your kidney disease but you have more life to live and Im just really sad that you consider going into the hospital as respite.
Who is with your mom right now, did that situation take care of itself?
I hope you will be able to get help for yourself.
Im hoping to not go into the hospital while Im finally in the process of getting her placed. I have ongoing depression also. I am not the one who sure taking care of a mother who is like you said yours is.
I hope Im not too late.
You probably can't. It is beyond your capability to provide the care she needs.
And your unsympathetic husband is right to question why you are staying with your mother instead of at home with him.
If you leave and go home, what will happen? If you need to arrange care for her, do that, and then leave. She pays for in-home care. If that is not practical, then she gets moved into a care facility. If your mother is capable of making her own decisions, let her, no matter how much you disagree.
You are in no shape to manage this for her. Let someone else care for her. You take care of you and return to your husband.
As for my husband, I deserve better. We've been married 46 yrs and when his family members cane from Puerto Rico to receive much needed health care I was by their side, above and beyond. I was working full-time and would visit them before work, at lunchtime and stay until closing after work, as well as taking time off from work for them, ie., brother-in-law had two brain aneurysm; sister had non-hodgkins lymphoma; his mother also had medical issues...I was by their side every step of the way ( they didn't speak English, so I was also their translator. I am very hurt by my husband's attitude...he is also mean and careless.