Recently, my sister who lived with my mother (89) and was my mother's main caregiver, passed away. Also living with my mom is my sister's 45 year old son. My sister enabled her son for many years, covering for him when he got in trouble; he stole from my sister, manipulated her, bullied her and my sister always covered for him. He is on disability (bad foot). Now he is manipulating my mom, making her feel like he is the best thing since sliced bread. He has used her credit card to buy lottery tickets (thankfully she does not have an atm card). I have tried to tell my mom he is up to no good, and she always says he never asks for anything, and I say, "mom, not yet". I am her POA (live an hour away). I am trying desperately to get her to sell her house, move in with me, or anything to get him away from her. She does not want to leave her house yet. Two things have happened recently: 1. I took her to the bank to get some cash (500.00) she said she wanted it in case she went to visit her sister. The money has disappeared. She thinks she hid it somewhere, but I know he stole it. 2. The lottery tickets he bought, he said one of the scratch offs was for $50.00 so he gave her the ticket. She was visiting us for the weekend, so when we took her home she wanted to cash the ticket, my husband went in the store to cash it and the clerk said it already been cashed. I am sick about this and am beside myself with worry. I have been advised by our attorney to contact Adult Protective Services. When I was at my mom's last week, he got mad and said he was going to take my mom to an attorney to get me taken off as her POA and get someone else appointed as an Advocate. I taped everything he said. He thinks because he manipulated his mom, intimidated her, he can do the same with me, but that will never happen. I want to protect my mom, but I can't convince her he is up to no good. Does anyone have any other suggestions for what I need to do to convince my mom. For the most part she is pretty savvy, but her hearing is bad, and she is having some short term memory issues.
Is your Mom currently self caring, or does her grandson do much of her care, shopping, cooking, cleaning and etc?
Do consider the attorney's best advice. He likely knows all involved better than we do. Best of luck and hope you will update us.
Not without guardianship. POA does NOT give one the "power" to force anything. We were told that by the EC atty when we needed to move mom to MC but she refused to consider moving ANYWHERE. We couldn't do guardianship because the place chosen for her wouldn't take committals.
Unclear if this mom has dementia - a little gullible maybe, perhaps starting down the dementia path, but she doesn't sound like she would be a guardianship case, not yet anyway. IF this mom has dementia, then POA can be used to do the financial changes you are suggesting, no need for guardianship.
Do you want to live with your mother and care for her yourself? It’s clear that you don’t like or trust your nephew. However if you get him out of her house, how will her needs be met then? It would be good to think through the bigger picture before you get too far into this.
He doesn't have to ask for anything, when he is stealing it!
Try to stay in good communication and keep the money as far as possible, but that is really all you can do.
Not ever, not even for convenience to help.
Can she do without the credit card? Can you purchase the things needed yourself?
Is he her 'caregiver' now?
If he tried to tell you that (intimidate you), can you imagine how he is abusing/exploiting your Mom?
When this happens, the only thing we as family were able to do, was move the elder out of their own home! It was a fight, and so many lost relationships. But they were dysfunctional, almost criminal behaviors. (Would have been criminal if we had called APS.) We never had to come against the free-loader, that would have been dangerous for our elder.
Eviction is in order, imo. Later.
Better to protect the elder by getting them away from people with his attitude. imo.
My response is triggered by personal experience with an elder, who cooperated with the plan and made good choices.
Now that the $500 has been 'lost', the next time she wants cash for a trip - tell her it is safer to use a credit card for every purchase she makes. Or tell her the money will be waiting for her when she arrives at daughter's house. Send daughter a check now, tell her to cash it and hold the money for mom. Mom does not need that kind of $$ around the house anyway.
If this disabled grandson actually hangs out at the house all day (even if he's a couch potato), he is company for her, he can help when called upon, and he could act fast in an emergency. They are used to each other. Give him a little something for the invaluable service of being with mom. Doesn't have to be much, but just a little spending money. Tell him no more lotto tickets on a credit card. Tell mom about the payments so she feels better knowing he has a little cash in his pocket. Maybe mom won't be so likely to 'give'.
As for APS, you can call them. However when mom says she freely gave him credit card to buy lotto tickets because 'he never asks for anything' they are going to say 'case closed - she's not a victim, she is aware of what she's doing.
About the only way to protect her is to minimize the money available to both of them. Set up account just for bill paying and you can pay everything via auto draft or you write the checks/pay online. When her income arrives, move a little to another account for her use. For the account that you give her access to, limit it to a small balance for misc items. Let her know at the first of each month how much is there. Then you could eliminate a credit card where people spend more than they have. She can't give away everything and he can't bleed her for what she doesn't have. If you set up something like that, put yours and sister's name on it and keep very good accounting of every cent you spend. At some point, you may have to explain how her money was spent and the reason for a separate account.
Mom may never understand your reasoning since judgment and discernment are the first executive brain functions to be impaired by Alzheimer's disease. The sad part is that the sufferer is unaware that this is a problem.
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