How can I deal with my husband’s refusal to accept his condition?

My sister has been diagnosed with vascular Dementia and had some pretty bizarre behavior, her husband is deceased and she lives alone. I went to court and petitioned to become her guardian. She doesn’t believe anything is wrong with her either. If I were you l would ask the doctor to contact The State License Bureau and tell them he should not be driving, you can contact them also and tell them what is going on with him. They can send him a letter stating he has to come in for tests before he can renew his license, he’ll probably fail the tests and his license will be revoked. I had to do this with my sister. His safety and the safety of others is at risk.

Hi Florimond, has his driving licence been revoked ? Appreciate he won’t remember but at least there would be logical reasons why he must not drive, to present him with . Though I can imagine the debate it would cause!

Can you get the garage to add a separate immobiliser on your car - that alone might help if he did get the car key first?

Are your bills online? Sounds like if you have POA you should implement it. If not, would his neurologist or doctor be able to help you re a letter enabling you to act to restrict your husbands access to accounts or switch them to an account with a password.

Its so difficult when they won’t recognise or acknowledge the problems they have and /or are causing. Do the facilities include befrienders? They can come in supposedly for both of you and if accepted by your husband might give you a well needed break.

Another, might be respite care, whilst your husband might object - it might be advisable to start having times there so that you can visit your mum and hopefully, should you need to go, there will already a routine set up for your husband by then. It would also provide you with a few days of rest from the 24/7 care you currently are doing.

I understand your reticence regarding leaving him alone and hope that you are able to find a solution that, along with the debates they will inevitably cause, enable you to care and have time to deal with other important issues and people in your life.

If for no other reason, you need regular breaks to stay reasonably healthy yourself. Do keep us informed, whatever you decide is best.
Regards,

Florimund,
Looking up the term "anosognosia" for you:

People don’t always feel comfortable admitting to themselves or others that they have a condition they’ve been newly diagnosed with. This isn’t unusual, and most people eventually accept the diagnosis.
But sometimes, the rejection is long-lasting, and it’s not simply denial that’s causing a person to reject the facts. It’s a condition called anosognosia. This loosely means “lack of awareness or insight” in Greek.
Anosognosia is a lack of ability to perceive the realities of one’s own condition. It’s a person’s inability to accept that they have a condition that matches up with their symptoms or a formal diagnosis.
This occurs despite significant evidence of a diagnosis, and despite second and even third medical opinions confirming the validity of a diagnosis.

My heart goes out to you. My husband was diagnosed with Alz 2 1/2 years ago and refuses to accept it. Today, he was assessed (and accepted) into the visiting nurses' home health program. Unfortunately, my husband doesn't think he needs home health care so I've had to tell him it's to help me as I work from home and overseeing his needs everyday (and night) is taking a toll on me.

Can you contact Social Services re: your husband? They can step in and make recommendations. Plus, if your mother is over 65, she should qualify for Medicare which pays for home health. Contact your loved one's physicians and ask for referrals for home health care.

It's an awful disease and painful to watch someone you love, who was once vibrant and energetic fade away. Just know that you're not alone.

Also keep in mind people with dementia view bills as they would coupons. Most fixed expenses can be paid on line recurring. You can ask them to be automated. Cable electric rent and even food can be set up automatically so that normal fixed canned foods and fixed sanitaries meaning things that are used every month. and even fresh foods can arrive now via automatic orders. And you can also introduce the dementia person to taxi service explain how it's better.

Please, please tell me - why is this man living at home with you and you are allowing havoc in your home and life? The man has a serious mental condition and you see what is happening with him. You cannot allow this to continue. And on top of that you have your mother to worry about. Your husband refuses to cooperate and this will get worse and worse and some horrible things will start happening. You cannot live your life like this - no way! It is time to get him moved into a facility - remember, you can always visit but you will be able to have a peaceful, normal life. He needs care you can't give him.

Hide the keys, step 1. Give him old useless keys, step 2. Hire in home help or take him to adult day care, step 3. Live your life, step 4.

Hi
First of all it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job supporting him and letting him continue with tasks that he finds fullfilling. I’m not sure it’s really necessary for him to except the diagnosis however you might need to create a new dynamic between you and him in regards to taking care of household tasks, accounts, the car etc. Perhaps re-assigning roles not because of his Alzheimer’s but because you would like to have more involvement, perhaps learn more, something on that train of thought.
I would be curious as to whether he thinks there was any kind of memory loss or confusion happening. Another thought is maybe if you heard the diagnosis from a different family member. But again my gut feeling says that he doesn’t really need to know the diagnosis or even to mention a neurological disease, but perhaps just talking about changes in personality and behavior changes. It might be a good idea to bring other caregivers or helpful friends involved in his life. As it progresses he’s going to need more help. And if he refuses to go into a facility then he will need to bring caregivers into the house. So getting him used to having people help him around the house and possibly with a few of his needs like laundry etc. it would ease him into that potential future. Hang in there and take it one day at a time. Hugs, Melanie

My mother developed Alzheimer’s/ frontal temporal dementia over 4 years ago. She has Never admitted that she has anything wrong with her....from day 1 she was defensive about forgetting anything - she would get angry and accuse everyone else of being crazy when we suggested gently that she was having trouble remembering.

Denial is the first fault with Alzheimers' patients. Since your husband is or was very smart - no doubt being in the Mensa category (or possibly), his denial is going to be even stronger. Suggest that his doctor tell him how it stands, else he won't listen to you (he thinks you don't know anything, which is an untruth). He musn't EVER DRIVE AGAIN. My SIL almost killed herself and her 2 grandchildren because she refused to give up the keys and yes, she has the horrid disease.

Almost all bills can be paid online now, or via direct bank account deduction, so you need to set them up quickly! That was the first thing I did when it became obvious that my father had dementia. This was a man who was meticulous about his finances. But when I paid a visit from out-of-town and there was a stack of unpaid bills on the dining room table, I knew something was very amiss.

Coming up with a name for not knowing/accepting the Dx doesn't really matter. Our mother was only HS, but would NOT accept us mentioning the word dementia (to her it meant you were 'off your rocker', aka crazy, which is NOT true.) Short term memory loss is going to override ANYTHING that is said or explained about the condition. Mom's argument was that she is old and is entitled to forget things now and then.

Being more educated might make this all harder, but what is the purpose behind trying to make someone understand/accept their condition when that condition is going to make them forget it? It’s the same philosophy I use in not telling mom that her mother is gone (40 yrs.) It’ll upset her and then she'll forget, so we have to play Groundhog Day until the end? It's easier to come up with plausible excuses (she's in FL for winter, etc.)

Safety can be an issue, but if you educate yourself about what to expect and monitor his comings/goings, at least for now it is doable. You are "afraid to leave him alone" and likely should be. If you need to run errands but he doesn't want to go, can you hire someone to be there (pretense is they are doing chores to help YOU - use any excuse!)

As for driving - hiding keys can work as can disabling the car, but can lead to arguments over it. Something that might work, since it sounds like this is the only car, is a kill-switch. Often this is an option with alarm systems. A good mechanic could install this for you, just be sure hubby doesn't know where the switch is! It prevents starting the car until the switch is thrown - so long as he doesn't see you do this, it could be a good deterrent. Later, when it "works" you can tell him you had the mechanic or AAA come by fix it....

"He repeats himself constantly but, of course, to him each time is the first time." - typical. It was one of the signs noted early on with mom. It doesn't get any better - mom is now into year 3 at the MC facility and still does this! You have to get a deaf ear to it... mutter some kind of benign agreement or answer - don't try to correct or tell him he's repeating himself. That’ll just lead to anger/frustration for both of you! It gets tedious, but also gets easier if you know not to disagree/correct.

Can you have all banking/account/important information sent to a PO Box? We had DPOA, but taking over wasn't enough – brother had to take mom out and I cleared ALL paperwork out! She lived alone then, but was digging out old papers and driving me nuts! Also, if banking/accounts are done online, CHANGE the passwords (and security information) so he cannot get online. Blame the banks for having a broken system! Do all banking, etc when he is occupied elsewhere.  Perhaps you can buy him an accounting notebook and let him have older statement copies to make entries and "reconcile" them - busy work ;-) to keep him out of your hair? Open new account(s) in your name only and have deposits done there. Typically you can't close joint acct w/out agreement from the joint owner. Request rep payee from SS.

Not sure what to do about your mother. If she refuses to move, not much can be done. Are there other children who can help? You can’t manage her from a distance AND negotiate the path with hubby. Even if she agreed to move, would she be in AL or at your home? Juggling two is likely going to be too much to handle!

While it is nice to have elder services available, we can’t force them to participate. My dad didn't like the place mom tried, because he was still okay mentally, while the others were pretty much gone and immobile. Your hubby doesn't think he has an issue, so isn't likely to want to go there.

While implementing suggestions made, learn all you can about dementia/Alz so you are better informed and prepared for what is to come.

Talk with an elder care attorney. You may need to seek guardianship which would give you the authority to make decisions- financial and for health. Talk with your children about getting their help in getting matters under control. perhaps talking with your minister and/or doctor to get some counselling. If you have medical insurance, check out what is covered that may be helpful,

Myhusband is like this. Look up the term
Anosognosia. It will help you understand
blessings
eloise

My husband (a former Navy Carrier pilot & defense attorney) sounds like your husband's clone. It is imperative that your husband not drive for the sake of others on the road as well as his own. The financial ramifications of harming others (or worse) may be a tool you can use with him. I had to practice tough love on this issue but finally prevailed. My husband's attitude about financial matters is also the same as yours. Paying bills online has been a God-send since he always relied on his assistants and isn't computer savvy. So- - - I have managed some issues but have many others to keep working on...my own anxiety and depression are two of them! Good luck. Stay strong!

I agree except I would add that the bond you and your parent had as a child is largely absolved, meaning child parent. Yes your still her child, but the context of child no longer exists, if it does, then it's not applicable in this situation. In this situation your the adult and have to act as such. You have to let the parent know you are the caregiver but your also a grown woman, who has a family now, and are also of a certain age, this is not 1970 or 1980 anymore and you told me old. And need good treatment. And that has to be respected. You set rules and functional boundaries. And it works itself out for as long as it can before she naturally gets tired of you. like any person would really, and you have to find professional care. Or consult elder care in your county for what programs are available when it's beyond your care. There will hit a point when things are beyond your care. But in this stage it's not and you use this time to plan and prepare for professional care if needed.

Dear Florimond,
I identify with your situation. I am sorry you are going through these challenges with your husband.

My husband also has no cognition of
the severity of his Aphasia/Dementia
disease. So, he is happy and hopeful.
it is called anosognosia. Not understanding the disease. Perhaps a coping mechanism? ( a blessing in disguise, for him...)

He was a University Professor of Physics and he thinks studying the English language will make him better... He has hope and he participates in life with family and friends. In order for me not to loose my mind, I accepted the situation. It saves me a lot of energy. I do not disagree with him. It keeps him calm and happier. It would be a lost battle anyway... Why convince him of something horrible? What is the gain?

He wanted to drive, and not to sell his car. I put away the keys and kept his car in the driveway, paying for the insurance etc to keep the peace...Recently, at the Neurologist’s office, using gestures, he expressed that he wants to drive. The Neurologist said “ absolutely not
safe” My husband accepted it and told me to get rid of the car! I did that, selling it to a car dealer, the same day! But, I told myself to be patient... Something I try to be everyday...It pays off!!!

As far as handling the finances, they
do not want to loose that control, but, little by little you have to take it over. Talk to someone at your Bank. Bring the Doctor’s diagnosis and a POA if you have it. Open an account only on your name. Do $ transfers. Set up automatic payments. Make sure your name is on all insurances, electricity accounts, phone bills etc. It will make life easier for you to
manage, as he deteriorates...

Also, you said your husband does not want anyone to come and help in your house. YOU need help. So, tell him the help is for you...
My husband got used to the Caregiver by now. As he is deteriorating, I already have help in place, before I burn out. It works. Not perfectly, but it is invaluable to have help for you and for him...

Stay calm and take actions. You two are not a team anymore. You do not need his permission. He is like a child...Accept this horrible change the disease brought and follow what you think is right.

Keep a good support system, like family and friends and get some advice from Doctors, lawyers and Therapists. YOU will survive this!

Sending you good vibes, good wishes and hugs 🤗