He claims a few days before the appointment that he has a headache and to cancel the appointment. After said cancellation he is able to get out of bed and work outside, and seems perfectly capable to do things that day, even says he doesn’t have a headache any longer… He has done this for over a year now and we have rescheduled the appointment everytime. I’m afraid that our doctor is going to refuse to have another appointment scheduled if this continues any longer. (Side note: he has admitted not wanting to take the test bc he is afraid they will tell him he’s not fit to handle certain things (like finances) and become reliant on my husband and I… even though we are already taking care of everything including finances)
If they see their Primary Care doctor you can ask that a "mini mental exam" be done. But if there are problems the doctor will want him to be seen by a Neurologist or Neuropsychologist. And if FIL refuses to go there is not much that can be done.
You play the waiting game and when he is hospitalized for one reason or another more tests can be administered.
Or
You wait until something outrageous happens and see a lawyer and try to get Guardianship. Generally for this to happen there needs to be a confirmation from a doctor that the person is not cognizant.
He described how worried he was about his memory slowing down, how long it took him to do basic things, how he felt there "weren't enough hours in the day," and that he didn't want his (willing and able) children to become burdened with helping him.
Now, as far as I could tell from a pretty wide-ranging conversation, there wasn't a thing wrong with him mentally. I asked if it might be that, having an exceptionally sharp mind (he was a senior librarian by profession), he had very high expectations of himself. Which, now that he is 95, are beginning to verge on unreasonable expectations.
Anyway. The point of this is that I found myself suggesting that he ask his GP to refer him to a memory clinic for comprehensive assessments, not for a diagnosis but for a baseline comparison. He's afraid his mind is going: this would be a way for him to get an objective opinion and monitor his cognitive function in future. And, I said and do think, he might actually find it reassuring.
Better the devil you know. Your FIL is afraid of its being found that he's "not fit" to continue certain routines and tasks and that this might lead to loss of independence. But he should look at it the other way round: instead of vague suspicions he will be able to identify what he's likely to need support with and what is still absolutely fine. The assessment will *conserve*, not undermine, his independence.
In social care there is a similar approach to needs assessment, which is now called a Strengths Based Assessment, summed up in the catch phrase "what works, not what's wrong." Instead of a rather depressing list of activities and routines a person can't manage unassisted, we look for what they can do and build on those abilities.
You can't run away from aging, so manage it. If he wants to stay in control of his life - which is his right and you must respect it - then let him take control. Go to the dam' appointment!
That said, your FIL is obviously very frightened of getting a diagnosis of dementia or ALZ and having such a dx ruin his life, or his perception of what his life will mean moving forward. Can't say I blame him on having that fear, either. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. However, being so young and having symptoms of dementia means it's important TO get a diagnosis so he can potentially get on a medication regimen that may slow down the progression of whatever is at the root of his problems. Perhaps you can present it to him that way; 'don't you want to nip the issue in the bud NOW rather than wait until it's too late to treat whatever issue you have?' Something like that. Because you can't force the man to go to the doctor. And even if he does go, and even if he does get a dx, how is that going to change anything? If you are thinking you can get him placed in a Memory Care AL once he's diagnosed, you will still need his consent in order to do that...........
Also, there can be other causes for dementia-like behavior in younger folks other than ALZ or actual dementia! The doctor can order a series of tests to see if he has a brain tumor or if he's had a stroke or something else that's causing his symptoms that mimic dementia. Maybe you can ease his mind that way, too, although I wouldn't mention a brain tumor as a possibility b/c that's not much better a dx than dementia. Mention the possibility of a simple nutritional deficiency being the cause of his symptoms, but that he won't know that until & unless he sees the doc.
Wishing you the best of luck with a very tough situation. Sending you a hug & a prayer for a good outcome.
And if there is something 'bad' happening in his brain, it is already happening.
Avoiding getting a diagnosis means missing out on possible treatments that could help right now.
He is scared, I'm sure.
Wow, your FIL is awful young for this to be happening to him making it all the scarier. Dad was 89 and had been diagnosed with probable AD. Mom and Dad were living in IL at the time. An old friend of theirs was a retired RN and told dad that he in no way had AD. At first I was really ticked at this nurse for her diagnosis - though later I she should have been thanked (I ended up calling his Primary and asked a referral for further testing and we were referred to a neurologist that specialized in dementia)- she was wrong about the AD - dad was diagnosed with AD, but during MRI they found dad had been having strokes in the balance center of his brain (which explained why he kept falling). There were no outward signs of a stroke. The neuro did testing that went further than they do in the primary docs office. The first was a baseline that told where dad was and he was seen 2 or 3 more times before he died (unrelated to his dementia) to see if he was holding his own. The doc also Rx meds to try and slow down the disease.
Maybe you can sell it to him as getting a baseline reading on him and what can be done to slow the progression of the disease.
Good luck.
Hope this helps a bit.
HEllen know without someone telling him when he needs help.
Inoted of trying to push him to the Dr. Just stand back.
Let him know that ya'll will help him with whatever he needs, Not Take Over!
Onice he knows that, he will be more willing to come around.