My parents are 19 years apart. My dad is 90 and mom is 71. He is and has always been very stubborn and secretive and makes most decisions. I always thought that he would experience health issues first, but my mom is suffering from memory issues and depression. I recently moved them closer to me which was a huge undertaking and exhausted all of my patience so it is now hard for me to deal with them without becoming angry (not to mention I work and have my own family). My dad will not listen and accept help or understand that people take advantage of elderly (like trying to sell him a new car or AC). Not to mention, he does things without telling me or asking for help and tries to keep it a secret or lies about it. I can't get him to let me handle finances (I am an accountant), services for their home or anything else. I am afraid that they are going to die in the car since he is 90 and still driving all over the place and won't tell me where they are going. My mom has forgotten how to use the internet and her cell phone, so if something happens while they are on the road I don't know what they'll do. I am also beginning to fear either her dying first and having to deal with him or when something happens to him having to put her in an assisted living and going through all of their hard earned money for her care because they won't listen to my advice on how to set up their finances now to protect them in the future. Anybody got advice on where I can go for help?
Your parents are so lucky to have such a loving and caring daughter. I know you want to do your best for them. Try to be firm and loving about what is needed and hopefully they will see it your way.
I had seen a serious problem that could EASILY have been solved. Was willing to do ALL the paperwork vet prospective aides, etc and would have gotten back 20 hours a week for myself and brother. She backs out with NO explanation and without calling me.
You can fuss and fret and worry away, but you cannot take a competent elder's rights away.
Mother now has no one to drive her places, she is totally reliant on whomever may come by, or offers. It's patently ridiculous, but it's her life.
Step away from Mom and Dad and wait. The time WILL come that they will be forced to let you help them. I'm personally not looking forward to that day, but sometimes, you must admit defeat and walk away. (SOmetimes literally, sometimes figuratively).
Good Luck, you sure aren't alone in this!
And thanks for the insightful and realistic analysis of what so many of us face with our parents.
I also think we're torn between an implied as well as felt obligation to help vs. the refusal to accept help. We're literally being tugged by two opposing forces.
This is so common for our generation: Dealing with parents who are legally competent but for all practical purposes incompetent and stubborn. Your dad sounds like a tough nut to crack and I doubt that you will till something happens to force the issue.
In the meantime, do what you can. As others have suggested let them know you'll help when they need it. I nagged my folks for years but gave up. I would get mad, mom would cry. Now I let them know that I'm worried , I can get them help anytime they need it but I've also told them it makes me a little angry that they'll allow absolutely no help. Compassion with a little pressure.
I'm the poster with the GPS on my dads car. It's been there for over a year, he has no idea, and I check on him several times a day. It takes no skills to plug it into the car under the dash. This will allow me to swoop in and end the driving when it's time. We're close to that now.
After dealing with my folks on my own and from 3 states away for 5 years Ive become kind of a glass half full guy. I've tried the bad cop and I've tried the good cop. So far, no dice with either.
Your folks, my folks, and about 90% of elderly parents are going to do nothing to make the kids lives easier. So we have to do what Must be done at some point whether the old folks like it our not. Old age and stubborness cannot be allowed to rule our lives as caregivers.
Had I not been a little sneaky, told a few fibs (and a few whoppers ) my folks would be in some county poor house nursing home right now. Do as much as you can via any means at your disposal.
This sounds harsh but my husband understood her because he also is stubborn. I agree with the other posts. The next time Dad renews his license call ahead and ask if they can test him. In some states this is done after a certain age. Eye appts every year is a must. Then therevis Mom. Maybe an appointment with her primary where the doctor can explain Moms limitations and care she will need. I know an 93 yr old man who took care of his wife. But, he had a daughter near by. Sometimes explainations from an impartial person are better. While Mom was in an AL, she kept looking for a baby. I told her there were no babies in the facility. She looked at the aide standing by and told her if she told her there were no babies she would believe her. Not me though. Again, this may sound harsh, but you may have to let something happen before Dad realizes h has limits.
I think one important issue is that the OP's father is by her description stubborn, secretive and makes most of the decisions, for him and his wife. I would say this is domineering and controlling.
She's also raised concern for his ability to identify attempted financial pressure as well as the fact that he is not honest about destinations when they are traveling.
I think she has valid concerns, and to just back off and "stop interfering" would be inappropriate. (I've been through the frustrating attempts to try to add protections to daily activities.) There's a middle ground, and that could be the way to go forward, being prepared for an eventual negative event.
Only child, I think you're wise to be concerned, to look ahead and to try to plan now. Perhaps that's the best you can accomplish when your father resists you. It might even be the "lull before the storm."
I've been through incidents similar to those you describe, and they are distressing. I do think that, unfortunately, something will happen, especially from the little trips and refusal to tell you where your father is taking your mother. Whether it's an accident or getting lost...it'll still be an issue.
One of the posters here has installed a GPS device on his father's car so he can monitor its journeys. That's something to consider; at least you'd know where your parents are going. You might offer to take his car for an oil change or tuneup, and secretly have a GPS device installed.
It would also help to get your mother a medic alert pendant, but she might forget to keep it with her and your father may think it's unnecessary.
I think his attitude and resistance is also about loss of control, over his own faculties and over your wife. So he's resisting, being more stubborn, and not allowing your involvement. A man who's been dominant all his life isn't going to give that up easily.
I wouldn't "back off", but I would approach the situation differently by focusing more on activities and subjects that don't threaten his manhood. I'm not suggesting you are, but controllers sometimes feel that women are when they try to intervene.
Gradually refocus your interactions on pleasant social activities, all the while making mental notes to add to your secret plan of action for each of the concerns you have. Even if you can't implement them now, you'll have a backup plan developed and waiting to be acted on when necessary.
Just start with your major concern - if it's disappearing when driving, investigate ways to secretly get a GPS monitoring system on the car. If it's being vulnerable to financial scams, that's a harder issue. But you could put 90 day fraud alerts on his credit file, and try to get him to let you explain the purpose and entries, i.e., it's not that you don't trust HIM to manage his finances, it's rather that there are so many scammers and hackers that everyone is far more vulnerable to ID and financial theft than we were before Internet use became widespread. Shift the blame to the criminals.
Are you signatory on any of their financial accounts?
I realize I'm not offering helpful solutions, but I think you're in a position of walking carefully so as not to convey the impression of wanting to take over. And right now, that might be all you can do, but do follow suggestions to get an attorney involved to draft a DPOA when you can get your parents to see one. Start researching local law firms to find potential attorneys, call them and get rate quotes, and eliminate any that are too cold or insensitive.
You might even comment periodically, to your father, not your mother, when tragic accidents occur and mention that you really hope the parents had DPOAs to care for their spouses and children, AND to protect their financial assets. Maybe the hint will settle in.
So we sat back & waited, keeping a very close eye on them. Just now, 3 years later!, they are open to help. But not on everything -- we have to ensure their "independence" and dignity are intact.
This forum has been very instrumental in helping hubby & I realize what we can & can't do, setting boundaries for them & ourselves, accept that nature will take its course no matter how much we want to stop it, and so many other things on this journey.
It's difficult to get "set in their ways" elders to see that their children might be loving and caring and not trying to cheat them out of their money. Daytime TV and sensationalist newspapers are full of stuff like that, as well as the Reverse Mortgage ads "stay in your own home until you die"!!
Does someone have POA? Does he have a will?
Can you set up an appointment with a local eldercare attorney to get those documents in place?
Are you thinking that setting up a trust might avoid probate?