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My 3-year-old grandson is confused by his Alzheimer's grandmother irrationally dealing with his normal 3-year-old behavior. We can't control her behavior and are only moderately successful managing his behavior.
Alzheimer's and dementia is hard on kids and grandkids of all ages. Whether you decide to take your grandchild or not, please know that there is a wonderful ebook I came across on Amazon entitled "Grandma I Remember." The book is very age appropriate and introduces the conversation about grandma loosing her memory.
I would not subject my young child to see his sick grandparent. She doesn’t know how hurtful she is and I’m all honesty doesn’t bring either of them any pleasure.
For the love of Mike please don’t take a little to see his grandmother in this phase. I took care of my mom who got Alzheimer’s at 48 and passed at 72! So my 3 sons were literally raised around this (no other option when I had to go help my dad with her - he kept her home & wouldn’t move her to a MC facility). But when she went through her snarky, combative stage, I made it clear to Dad that I could only come when the kiddos were in school or he needed to hire an aide (which he did eventually). That’s a horrible memory to leave with a 3 yo. As she progresses & is more docile, then that’s a different story.
My question to you is, Why would you subject a 3 y'o child to something he wouldn't understand at his age? If your grand son has any good memories of his grandmother, help him to appreciate them, and don't let the later developments interfere. You didn't say how your wife's relationship with your grandson was before she got AD, if they had a loving relationship, THAT'S what he needs to remember, not the person she is today. I suspect if your wife could have one moment of clarity, she'd tell you the same thing. Ask yourself this question. If you were the one with AD, would you want your 3y'o grandson to have that memory, or would you want him to remember a time where you were still able to enjoy each other? Think about it and do what's best for your grandson in the long run.
I am unclear what purpose it serves to have a 3yo visit any relative who is irrational and targets him. Even if the grandmother is asking to see the child, her disease prevents her from building positive memories with him. But, to take the child into this situation means those are the memories he will have of his grandmother. Forever.
I have to think there is some kind of pressure that is causing the child and grandmother to be put together. But no child can modify their behavior beyond their maturity level, nor should they be expected to do so. It is the adults in this situation who have to solve the problem.
It is time for the adults to figure out how the child can visit with the healthy grandparent in a safe location. The adults need to create opportunities for the child to hear stories, see photographs, watch videos and learn about his grandmother in a positive comforting environment- removed from her abuse. And, of course, the adults need to ensure that the grandmother is receiving the best physical and mental health care to ensure her cognitive and personality changes are kept to as much of a minimum as possible as the disease progresses.
But, by all means, don't ask either a child or a person with a diseased brain to do the changes.
Natoniere: Discontinue the visits of the three year old and his grandmother. Don't subject the toddler to even attempt to understand someone with Alzheimer's, albeit his grandmother.
Don't take the child. If you can't manage his behavior, it's going to aggravate or frustrate the grandmother - the result, scolding that you consider irrational. Leave the kid out of the visiting.
I'm pushing 50 and the Mr is 57 and we can barely tolerate the scolding's of our LO with dementia, it's emotionally devastating. If you know this is an issue I'd not put a child through that. Neither one of them can understand the hurt that causes.
It’s very wrong that this little pip-squeak was not brought to the park or left with a relative while the adults visited grandmother in the first place.
Okay, it's done. But you have all witnessed the results and still you're asking how to prepare our 3 year old grandson for a visit with his irrational grandmother.
How do you prepare? Write it down and hand the instructions to the kid.
Here's an idea, maybe you can diaper them at the same time so that they can bond.
Get a dang baby sitter.
This THREE YEAR OLD child is NOT confused by his Alzheimer suffering grandmother's behavior as much as he’s learning about his family. He's learning his first lessons about how on-his-own he is already. Heaven help him.
This is your jewel. You have a duty to make this defenseless little guy feel that he's surrounded by people he can count on and that life is good, well at least for a few more months anyway, and then when the poor lady passes, he’d be good to go to even watch her autopsy.
What's going on? This is thoughtless. Is he ugly?
As an infant I remember extending my arm between the crib bars trying to grab the vacuum cleaner pipe while my mother was vacuuming under my crib.
Someone in your herd has got to have a smart phone. Do him a favor and take a few shots or videos of the torment. This will save him time as well as money in the future with a shrink.
In her right mind, poor grannie would probably give you all what-for for putting him through this. How would you like to be remembered? No one knows if we won’t be in her position. Would you instruct your children to put such a lamb in your lap for you to treat in this manner, heaven forbid should you become like grannie is now? Have a heart.
Please view the movie - The Three faces of Eve.
Read up on schizophrenic personality disorder, what causes it and symptoms. Too many young men have suffered who knows what in their youth and then folks wonder "Oh why is little Johnny so extraordinarily reserved, or cautious" etc, or out of nowhere they go ballistic. How far do you live from where he’ll grow up?
I'm sure there was good advice in there somewhere. But, you went overboard with the dramatics. This is a PUBLIC FORUM not a dramatic creative writing course! Cool your jets!
Please discontinue taking your 3-year-old to see his grandparent. I am 80 years old, and I remember with terror visiting my great grandfather who had dementia. I was so disturbed by his strange physical appearance and glazed look in his eyes that when we arrived at his home for a visit, I would hesitate to exit the car until the rest of the family did and lock the doors so that Mom and Dad couldn't make me get out. I would always get a spanking for being so rude, but it was worth it not to have to go near that weird person. My parents believed that we great grandchildren were creating a loving bond with our great grandfather. They were wrong, utterly and completely wrong. Please don't make your child suffer like my parents made me.
Is this for real? Why would you even consider taking the little guy when NEITHER of them would benefit? A 3-year-old does not need to be "irrationally scolded."
First a 3 year old attention span is maybe three minutes. I would only expect my 3yo to give grandma kisses and then run and play. Grandma with her Alz is not gonna be prepared for a run in run out child unless that child is there all the time. My Daddy only saw his great - grandsons via face time for the last few months of his life. He could not handle the running, jumping and playing that 3yo do. Facetime gives grandparents a little chance to see the grandkids but not the high level of noise. hugs and prayer
A lot of people might be annoyed by what you consider "normal 3-year-old behavior, esp if you are not able to manage it effectively. Alz grandmother is not hampered by social convention from expressing her annoyance.
This should be fun for both of them or there is no need to cause the interaction. Bring him in and let her enjoy him as long (or, if) she can. Snap a few photos so he can have them when he is grown.
Bring the toddler in for short periods to amuse her and whisk him out when she starts getting crotchety.
She may not enjoy being around children as she once did, and she may find his noises shrill and his energy agitating.
In that case, get him out and take him somewhere that he can enjoy. It may seem efficient to visit with them both at once, but sometimes when you kill two birds with one stone you are no better off and just have a couple of dead birds.
As for his memories, he is an unwritten book. He may not remember the details of the afternoon vividly, but getting yelled at, is, after all, abuse. You don’t want him to have his earliest memory scarring. Take him to the park, the pool, the arcade. Let him play in the sunshine. Shield him from the horrors of life as long as possible.
I don't think it's appropriate to subject a 3 yr old to the unpredictable actions of someone with Alzheimers. The 3 yr old needs to be in a safe and healthy environment. Please make his needs the priority.
When I was young our parents took us to visit our elderly relatives many times. We were given rules on what to do and how to behave. It was confusing and stressful for us. We could read our parents stress that they were under while we were there. The car ride home was filled with discussions of the visit and potential for critique of our performance. Not fun memories. Honestly, it's one of my resentments when reflecting on my current caregiver situation with my parents.
Zia (Aunt) Lucrezia. The most terrifying woman I ever knew. My parents also gave us "rules" for when we had to visit. If those rules were not followed to the letter we got more than a discussion and critique. PMG, I would NEVER bring a little kid to a nursing home or memory care for any reason.
His Grandmother who has dementia can’t control her behavior or reason out his behavior nor do these visits sound beneficial for either of them even though the wish that they would be is a natural one. I would want to spare my grandchild the experience and would not want this to be the way my grandchild remembered me. Even if that meant he never really knew me I would prefer his memories be built of photos and stories about who I was before the dementia. The way we get to know relatives who passed before we were old enough to remember them well. What do you think his grandmother (the one with dementia) would want, how would she want to be remembered?
Don’t take child to visit agitated dementia/Alz grandparents. It will be a disaster & it’s child abuse. Granny won’t remember visit 5 min later..but impressionable child will remember being abused forever. Don’t do it!!!
Don't take the three-year-old to visit. If he actually does have a memory of his great-grandmother at some point in his life, it will be of a terrifying old woman. Don't make him be around his great-grandmother with Alzheimer's and don't force her to have to be around a three-year-old who you cannot control. Neither party benefits from those visits. Leave him home. He does not need to make memories with hs great-grandmother and she will not remember spending time with him. I have a few memories when I was a little kid of visiting one of my grandmother's elderly aunts whose son brought her to America. Let me paint you a picture of this experience. Think of a toothless corpse with long, dirty nails wearing a black dress, tied in a wheelchair that screams in Italian. She also burped and farted continually and smelled absolutely disgusting. Now picture a little kid and a bunch of adults who've had a few glasses of the homemade vino because it's a holiday, and they make the little kid go and "Give zia (aunt) a kiss". 'Zia' grabbed ahold of my hair with her her clawed hand and nearly pulled it from the roots. I'm almost 50 years old yet I still remember the terror 'zia' Lucrezia like it was yesterday. Don't do that to a little kid. Leave the three-year-old at home.
I'm with the group here you shouldn't take your 3 year old to visit. Your grandmother won't remember the visit and your grandson won't have a pleasant visit.
We were taking my grandson to the MC. On a regular basis for short visits before Covid, and the residents loved him and he loved them all including my LO.
I would not have taken him if his experiences hadn’t been pleasant. I know of no way that a 3 year old can be prepared for someone who has loved him scolding him or being in any way harsh to him.
My opinion is based on being the grandmother of four children currently age 6 and under AND having worked with children in that age group for over 35 years.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
God Bless you
Ask yourself this question. If you were the one with AD, would you want your 3y'o grandson to have that memory, or would you want him to remember a time where you were still able to enjoy each other? Think about it and do what's best for your grandson in the long run.
God Bless and Good Luck.
Even if the grandmother is asking to see the child, her disease prevents her from building positive memories with him. But, to take the child into this situation means those are the memories he will have of his grandmother. Forever.
I have to think there is some kind of pressure that is causing the child and grandmother to be put together. But no child can modify their behavior beyond their maturity level, nor should they be expected to do so. It is the adults in this situation who have to solve the problem.
It is time for the adults to figure out how the child can visit with the healthy grandparent in a safe location.
The adults need to create opportunities for the child to hear stories, see photographs, watch videos and learn about his grandmother in a positive comforting environment- removed from her abuse.
And, of course, the adults need to ensure that the grandmother is receiving the best physical and mental health care to ensure her cognitive and personality changes are kept to as much of a minimum as possible as the disease progresses.
But, by all means, don't ask either a child or a person with a diseased brain to do the changes.
Some things kids don’t need to be exposed to
It’s very wrong that this little pip-squeak was not brought to the park or left with a relative while the adults visited grandmother in the first place.
Okay, it's done. But you have all witnessed the results and still you're asking how to prepare our 3 year old grandson for a visit with his irrational grandmother.
How do you prepare? Write it down and hand the instructions to the kid.
Here's an idea, maybe you can diaper them at the same time so that they can bond.
Get a dang baby sitter.
This THREE YEAR OLD child is NOT confused by his Alzheimer suffering grandmother's behavior as much as he’s learning about his family. He's learning his first lessons about how on-his-own he is already. Heaven help him.
This is your jewel. You have a duty to make this defenseless little guy feel that he's surrounded by people he can count on and that life is good, well at least for a few more months anyway, and then when the poor lady passes, he’d be good to go to even watch her autopsy.
What's going on? This is thoughtless. Is he ugly?
As an infant I remember extending my arm between the crib bars trying to grab the vacuum cleaner pipe while my mother was vacuuming under my crib.
Someone in your herd has got to have a smart phone. Do him a favor and take a few shots or videos of the torment. This will save him time as well as money in the future with a shrink.
In her right mind, poor grannie would probably give you all what-for for putting him through this. How would you like to be remembered? No one knows if we won’t be in her position. Would you instruct your children to put such a lamb in your lap for you to treat in this manner, heaven forbid should you become like grannie is now? Have a heart.
Please view the movie - The Three faces of Eve.
Read up on schizophrenic personality disorder, what causes it and symptoms. Too many young men have suffered who knows what in their youth and then folks wonder "Oh why is little Johnny so extraordinarily reserved, or cautious" etc, or out of nowhere they go ballistic. How far do you live from where he’ll grow up?
For the love of Mike get a babysitter.
You don’t want little he may remember later in life to be traumatic.
hugs and prayer
Bring the toddler in for short periods to amuse her and whisk him out when she starts getting crotchety.
She may not enjoy being around children as she once did, and she may find his noises shrill and his energy agitating.
In that case, get him out and take him somewhere that he can enjoy. It may seem efficient to visit with them both at once, but sometimes when you kill two birds with one stone you are no better off and just have a couple of dead birds.
As for his memories, he is an unwritten book. He may not remember the details of the afternoon vividly, but getting yelled at, is, after all, abuse. You don’t want him to have his earliest memory scarring. Take him to the park, the pool, the arcade. Let him play in the sunshine. Shield him from the horrors of life as long as possible.
I have one name.
Zia (Aunt) Lucrezia. The most terrifying woman I ever knew.
My parents also gave us "rules" for when we had to visit. If those rules were not followed to the letter we got more than a discussion and critique.
PMG, I would NEVER bring a little kid to a nursing home or memory care for any reason.
Don't make him be around his great-grandmother with Alzheimer's and don't force her to have to be around a three-year-old who you cannot control. Neither party benefits from those visits.
Leave him home. He does not need to make memories with hs great-grandmother and she will not remember spending time with him.
I have a few memories when I was a little kid of visiting one of my grandmother's elderly aunts whose son brought her to America.
Let me paint you a picture of this experience.
Think of a toothless corpse with long, dirty nails wearing a black dress, tied in a wheelchair that screams in Italian. She also burped and farted continually and smelled absolutely disgusting.
Now picture a little kid and a bunch of adults who've had a few glasses of the homemade vino because it's a holiday, and they make the little kid go and "Give zia (aunt) a kiss". 'Zia' grabbed ahold of my hair with her her clawed hand and nearly pulled it from the roots.
I'm almost 50 years old yet I still remember the terror 'zia' Lucrezia
like it was yesterday.
Don't do that to a little kid. Leave the three-year-old at home.
I would not have taken him if his experiences hadn’t been pleasant. I know of no way that a 3 year old can be prepared for someone who has loved him scolding him or being in any way harsh to him.
My opinion is based on being the grandmother of four children currently age 6 and under AND having worked with children in that age group for over 35 years.