How can you force your mother to stop lending money to an adult child?

I have the same issue. Frankly, that is a form of abuse and it's called Financial Exploitation. Contact Adult Protective Services and report this abuse. There comes a time when you have to say that enough is enough.

Genelda,  Have you found any of the information or suggestions helpful to your situation?  Have you made any decisions as to whether you and your siblings are or are not going to help your Mom pay your Brother's credit card bill?  Please update us regarding your situation.

Since the mom here has Alzheimer's/dementia, whomever is the agent (POA) must say to the nearly 60 year old adult child - "Mom's bank is closed for biz. No more money coming forth." Remove all financial materials from this mom. The enabler must quit her job! It says in the OPs profile that the mom has Alz/dementia.

First of all, find a way to get a Power of Attorney and then take all the financial checkbooks, etc. away from her so she can't give the sibling money. Let both of them rant and rave - ignore it. Do not give out the money. You must get that Power of Attorney and take the power away from her - NOW! Another thought is to get a brand new checkbook and advise the bank NEVER, EVER TO GIVE OUT THE NUMBER. If he can't access the checkbook, how will he cash a check. And then I would sit him down and tell him it ends - now - he has to handle things on his own. No if's, and's, or but's. Do it now.

For whatever reason, your mother wants to help her son. I'd be willing to bet she helped YOU (the other siblings) a lot of times also. She is now asking you to help HER by paying off the credit card bill. You should stop thinking of this as money to your brother, but as a help to your mother. Be good children and pay it off. You can tell her you can't do it on a regular basis.

There are a lot of levels to dementia. If she still understands money, where it comes from, and what it is used for, she can make a decision on what is appropriate in her son's case. If she doesn't, why does she still have a credit card? Could it be that this is not a concern for her finances but resentment that the brother is getting something that YOU are not?

Your brother obviously has problems functioning in life on his own. Your mother thinks she is helping, but she is really an enabler which is keeping your brother dysfunctional. If your mom is fully competent, try to get her to open an account that requires a second name to be valid. It should be her name and yours or some trustworthy person. You can setup automatic deposits and bill pay. Your brother will not have access to her funds and she can not give him a check without a second signature.
I would leave the original account open with funds for several months. This will give your brother time to figure a new plan. He probably has a sense of entitlement and will be manipulative, but stand your ground. Your mother’s financial future is at risk. Good luck. I hope things work out well for you.

I have a friend whose brother moves his mom around so he has complete control over her. He only shows her to other siblings for special occasions, but never discloses what hotel/motel they are living in.
I just pray mom is ok

I saw a lot of answers to your problem here, trouble is none of them are going to work. My nephew did this to my brother. First he lost his own house then moved in with his father and took his two kids with him. He managed then to get my brother to loose his house, because of course my nephew did not pay any thing to stay there and he always wanted money for himself or his kids. So in just under ten years my brother was so far behind in his bills that they foreclosed on him. The long and short of it is, The state finally stepped in and removed my brother from the home he had lived in for over 40 years, because it was no longer a safe environment for an elderly man to live. Now my nephew could steal every thing in the house and have a yard sale of it to support himself while my brother was moved from one hospital to another to prove he was incompetent. He finally came and spent his last year on this earth with me. His son was never prosecuted for anything. He even managed to get paid $20000 for my brother's house when it was taken by the bank. His name was never on the deed but he refused to vacate unless they paid him or he would burn down the house. My brother got nothing. So I wish you luck in stopping your brother from borrowing from mom. My brother's excuse was he did not want to see his son on the street. But that is where he ended up and as far as I am concerned thats where he belongs.

I see several comments saying mother has dementia - did I miss something? I see nothing in the original post or profile stating mom has dementia, nor any follow up comments/questions from OP.

IF she does not have dementia, there probably is not a lot you can do. APS could be tried, but based on comments read on various threads here at AgingCare.com, they may not do anything or much.

You could try, as others suggested, having a very detailed discussion with her about potential needs in the future. Details need to include potential rehab, AL, MC, NH - costs vary from one region to another and from one facility to another, so document by getting prices for these various facilities in your area. One quick search yielded this: "The cost of Assisted Living Facilities nationwide can vary from $2,000 - $5,000 per month. Sometimes people have a false sense of security about what their insurance will pay. It’s important to know right up front that Medicare will not pay for assisted living." THAT is just plain old assisted living. Getting into Memory Care (MC) or Nursing Homes (NH), those costs will be higher. Here in the NE, mom's MC has gone up (we're now in year three) to about 7915/mo (self-pay non-profit.) NO SS payment is that high!

She needs to understand these potential costs and the fact that not all children can afford to take in a parent - could be any combination of space, funds, and/or emotional/physical toll. She also MUST understand what others have said about Medicaid - she won't qualify if she keeps giving him money and won't have money to get care for herself. Not only that, choices for places to live based on Medicaid (if/when she qualifies) will be limited. If self-paying, you might have better choices, but if you insist on giving money to this brother, you will NOT have sufficient funds to provide care for yourself in the future!

Under NO circumstances should any of you agree to pay for that mom credit card bill that paid your brother's bill!!! Sorry mom, it is HIS responsibility to pay it or pay it back. Not my debt, should not have been yours either!

IF she does have dementia, then you can take steps, but they will depend on what stage of dementia she is at. IF it is early enough and IF mom is agreeable, you could get DPOA set up and hopefully either have mom agree to allow you to take over finances and/or ensure it has appropriate wording that determines when you can take over (if not immediately). If so, immediately work with the bank(s) to close that account and have new cards issued (or better yet, close the cards down!) IF she is NOT agreeable, then you are back to square one.

If she has dementia and the attorney cannot get her to understand/agree, then DPOA will not be an option. Guardianship/stewardship/conservatorship are good options, but are not cheap, take time, require keeping good records and reporting back as the court requires, BUT is not guaranteed. IF she is deemed competent, no go. IF she decides to fight it, the court will order an attorney for HER, but her assets will have to cover all the costs. Unless you are certain you can win, this might not be the right time to fight this. If you do believe she is far enough down the dementia path, this might be the best option, just in brother has set up any kind of POA or similar process to "control" mom and/or her assets - Court approved guardianship will override any POA.

Another option is to apply to be representative payee for SS. Again, she will get notice of this and can refuse (they may require some intervention to determine her capacity, but I don't really know - I was able to get this for mom without issue or cost other than my time and gas.) IF it is approved, only the applicant (you) can access the special account set up for it. That would prevent him getting access to her SS money/account, but if she has many other assets, those are still loose hanging apples.

Everything hinges on if mom is deemed competent.

Dementia or not, unless your mom is deemed incompetent, there is not much you can do.

The enabler. Tough "career" choice because once started, the "borrower" will keep coming back. They know they were able to get money OFTEN very easily from the "bank loan department." So - a word to the wise (and this, too, happened to my husband and I) -his down on their luck friends would come to us for $$$$. We said "WE ARE NO LONGER ANYONE'S BANK."

So many of us have been through this! Hope you get this resolved soon. Money runs out. Can you freeze her card? Don’t allow her to keep piling up debt with interest! She has dimentia. I hope she will allow you to be her voice of reason. Good luck!

You need to have POA or guardianship.

Don't help with the bills - this is enabling. Use her request for help as an opportunity to talk with her about her finances and the issues with medicaid. This may best be done with an elder lawyer familiar with medicaid. At the same time draw up POA etc if it has not been done.

Your bro is extremely dependent if at age 60 he is still using her bank account, She is extremely co-dependent that she allows this. Interfering with this (however necessary) will be difficult.

I agree report this to APA, her doctor and her bank. Does she have any signs of dementia?

You state that your Mom has dementia.
Based on this she should not be taking care of her own finances.
You can seek Guardianship of your mother. By doing this you will have control over her accounts. You would become Guardian of the person and the estate.
Guardianship is NOT easy and there is paperwork involved but it will protect her assets. All purchases have to be documented and any withdrawal will be reviewed by the court.
If your Mom has to apply for Medicaid any "loans" will be problematic and either have to be repaid or it will delay the acceptance of Medicaid.
I suggest an Elder Care Attorney that will help with the Guardianship and possibly finding a way to get "deadbeat" son to either repay loans or possibly begin a suit for repayment, or threaten to bring charges of elder financial abuse.

If Mom is competent, this is her business. Period.

Have a brother just like this. Recommend you talk with your brother, not your Mom, who's maternal instincts will be to hand over anything he wants no matter what you say. My brother had no qualms about asking Mom for thousands of dollars even though Mom was dying. Mom agreed to keep it a secret. We didn't know about it until Mom's best friend told us. As difficult as it may be, you need to confront him. My sister, other brother, and I all sat him down and confronted him together, which made it a little easier. You may have to threaten to report your brother to the police if he doesn't get it. Unfortunately, that's what we had to do because he denied everything. He didn't get it until we threatened him. Don't think the police can do anything about it, but my brother didn't know
that. :)

First off, is your mom competent ? If she has not been declared incompetent than she has the right to pay brother's bills from her funds, but I'd make it clear that the rest of the children will not pay her bills, because if she can cover brother's bills, then she has the money to pay her own bills.  I'd make it very clear that you and your siblings will not be her money well.  Period.  Also, you might remind her of Medicaid gifting rules.
If she is a basically reasonable woman, then try to have a nitty gritty talk about the realities of aging - how she will need ALL her money for her own care.  Hate to say it, but be brutally frank of this.  No softening or she will assume she can talk you around if necessary.

Your mom has a soft spot for her child. Child sometimes get into a habit. The only way is to get money out of account into one you can control,close the credit card, close the atm card. Tell mom you will take care of any incoming bills, have them sent to your home or PO BOX. Make sure sibling doesn't get a chance to open an account with MOM, because he can.

POA should be put in place, I think.

And then tell Mom you will be taking charge of all HER bills and her accounts. Make sure Mom only has $5.00 in account at all times. You will need to babysit mom's money flow.

Is mother competent? Is bro disabled or broke? Mom able to handle finances? Does anyone have poa & health proxy? Keep track of any $$$ going to anything other than mom’s care & her house. Keep bank statements. It may count as gift penalty down the road for Medicaid purposes. Which delays benefits. Hugs 🤗

Start by having an intervention with your brother. All the siblings need to be in the room at the same time. Explain to your brother than mom needs to have enough funds to pay for her care when she needs it and that ALL of you (however many there are) will be sitting down with mom to go over her finances and explain that her future care will cost between $40,000 and $100,000 per year. She has to reserve her assets for that and cannot afford to support her son. It's important to stick together in addressing this, otherwise factions form around details. The big picture gets lost and mom gets played by the brother.

Try to keep it very factual. If you can muster it without sarcasm or anger, talk with your brother about how you might help him to budget so that he can meet his expenses without mom's help.

Do not try to get mom to agree that she shouldn't be supporting her son. She believes what she believes and she has a right to. She may even think that it's reasonable to expect her other children to help support him. Don't try to change a mom's mind about her kids.

Stick to the facts. She will need that money in the near future and it needs to be there for her or she will not have any choices about her independence.

When Your mother is in a good mood like complimenting you for something you did or how much you care for her, Tell her that you need her help. That will make her feel special. Tell her that you and the others have been hurting because of her generosity. You realize she didn't do it to hurt you but to help him, But it is hurting all of you. Change the billing from your mother's credit card. You can do that online. I manage all dad's bills and our household bills online. Notify all her creditors In writing that your brother is not authorized to make any withdrawals or purchases. Take your mother into the bank, if you can. Tell your brother that he will be guilty of fraud if he tries it again. Even though this seems harsh, You're doing it to protect your mother and Yourselves. If you wanna take another step and have your brother work out a repayment agreement for the credit card bills that your mother couldn't afford, Drawed up and have him sign it and have it notarized. If your brother is truly in need, direct him to sources who can help him. Remember Ann Landers said you can Only be trodden upon if you lay on the floor like a welcome mat and let people walk over you.

"Financial exploitation occurs when a person misuses or takes the assets of a vulnerable adult for his/her own personal benefit. This frequently occurs without the explicit knowledge or consent of a senior or disabled adult, depriving him/her of vital financial resources for his/her personal needs." Report to Adult Protective Services in your state. Financial exploitation is a form of Elder Abuse and is sanctioned by the law.

Geez.....I can totally relate. Older brother has been using my parents as his private ATM for over twenty years and wracked up an astronomical amount of money. Certainly enough for them to live in an AL for five years without even touching their nest egg. Unfortunately my dad is of sound mind and wants to protect remaining assists, even though mom has dementia and will get progressively worse. Sister and I do what we can without seriously impacting our own lives. Just can’t do more than what we are and when the time comes for intervention I expect serious resistance.
That said....How old is your mom and have you noticed cognitive decline? Is there any way to convince her to give either you or another sibling DPOA? If so, get that name on checking and CC, and any assests she may have asap and inform brother financially he needs to fend for himself. Certainly not an simple fix with family dynamics such as they are, but a necessary one.....especially when you’ve reached the point when siblings are approached to pay for deadbeats bills. You have to prepare for the possibility of long term care for your mom..... and her generosity to your brother can truly impact the type of care she receives with penalties incurred because of the Medicaid five year look back.

Good luck...it saddens me to know you are going through this as well. Not only does a situation like this raise anxiety levels, but we also have the emotional impact that needs to be dealt with. Not easy by any stretch.

For over 10 years, my Grandmother (age 84 to age 94 years old) used to give my two adult female cousins money whenever they asked for it and even changed her Will so that they would receive 50% of the family farm.  Then 5 years into this "Giving", my Brother moved from the West Coast back to the Midwest and Grandma apparently realized that she had two grandchildren who had her last name who could inherit the family farm so she changed her Will back so that only my Father inherited it (so that his Son/my Brother and then his children would inherit the family farm.)  But Grandma still met with my two cousins on country roads and gave them money from her SS checks.  Dad had to pay ALL of Grandma's utilities b/c she said that they were charging too much and refused to pay them.  Eventually when Grandma was 90 yrs old, Dad got Conservatorship of Grandma's finances (b/c of the farmland) and was able to stop the flow of money to the two cousins.

My cousins even "sweet-talked" my Grandma's 90+ year old Brother to give them money, used cars, used mobile homes, pay their house rent, etc.  We have determined that they got $50,000 - 80,000+ from Grandma and $80,000 - $100,000+ from her Brother during the 10 years before their deaths.

The only way to stop the "money bleeding" was for my Dad to petition for Conservatorship of Grandma.

If you can prove that your Mom is giving your sibling her Social Security money as soon as it is deposited into the bank or as soon as the check is cashed, you might be able to have the sibling charged with Fraud against Social Security and Financial Abuse of an Elderly Person.

Does your Mom live by herself or with this sibling?  Do you think that your Mom will be needing to go into a nursing home and needing Medicaid in the next 5 years?   If so, then you need to have a family conference to discuss your Mom's future health care needs and how she is going to pay for them.  (I am guessing that your Mom is in her 80's?)  Medicaid looks back 5 years to see how much money your Mom has "gifted" or given to anyone and will penalize your Mom for giving her money away instead of saving it for her care. Who is your Mom's DPOA for Finances and Healthcare?

If you find a way to stop it, I'd love to hear about it. My brother "borrowed" money from my mom for years - into the 5 digit range. When it came time that mom couldn't live alone, he didn't offer to take her in even though he had the room. I brought her to live with me right after my divorce and she insisted on paying half the utilities, upkeep and groceries. The arrangement worked fine for both of us. I looked after her and my kids and I did the cooking, house and yard work, took her to medical appointments, shopping, and events she wanted to attend. When she was sick or hurt, I took care of her. I did her paperwork, paid her bills and did her banking at her request. It was her idea to add me to her account at the credit union we both belonged to in order to facilitate the banking. Knowing all of that, my brother had the gall to tell anyone and everyone that mom was supporting me! He knows I don't have POA - her trustee does and he and I work together to keep mom's finances in order. He often expresses distrust of the trustee, whom my mother hand picked to administer her trust. Now that mom is in memory care, I've told both my siblings that they can take over her banking if mom agrees to it. My sister has no problem with me handling it and says she trusts me over both herself and my brother. My mother refuses to let either of them handle it, so the accusations continue.

Sadly...you can’t as long as your mom goes along with it. My brother lives with my mom and keeps her in the edge of financial degradtion constantly. Gone thru 250k since ny dad died. So far she can pay her monthly bills...but any extras come from my pocket. Hard to take after working so hard my whole life so i could have a nice retirement. Prayers for you and your family...

We experienced this as well. Like others have said have a family meeting. We showed Mom’s spending and income. We contacted the credit card company and reported suspicious activity which closed her account. We left the credit card with her because she felt better having the card. We had to constantly pull out the POA.

This is so common. We just found out that my husbands dead beat sister cost his mom her house....In their blind worship and devotion, inlaws put SIL onto house deed and then SIL goes bankrupt and forecloses on her own house she bought with some deadbeat guy. SIL was also a drug addict and inlaws knew it. She could do no wrong in their eyes. Since she was listed on my inlaw's deed they came for MIL house too. MIL had to buy her own house back. She kept this from my husband until 2 years after SIL overdosed in MIL's home where she was living THEN MIL goes and buys Deadbeat a new car even after the house ordeal!!! Unreal. SIL had MIL snowed that she was dying from a lung disease. All along she was addicted to drugs and MIL giving money and cars even after the house issue. The excuse was always that my husband does not need money because he is straight and works and saves his money. It has been 2 years since SIL died and MIL just now coming to terms with guilt of what she did giving her money, cars, etc. I have never seen anything like this. This kind of thing never would have flown in my own family! Some parents are so blinded and probably get lied to and conned by a bad sibling. Now my MIL is depressed with guilt for shelling out, and my husband and I are her only caregivers. Hard to take.

My first thought was, wow that is going to be a huge problem if she ever needs to be in a nursing home through Medicaid! Maybe if you sit everyone down and explain that everything that is "lent" or given to another person is going to be that much of a penalty when the time comes to get Medicaid. And it's a five year lookback. So who is going to pay that? That might stop your mom or your sibling, but it is doubtful. Your mom will probably be in denial or even insulted by suggesting she go to a nursing home one day and your sibling probably doesn't care. I have found that people are the way they are and there is not much you can do about it. If you can find your mom legally incompetent, then you can get control of her money, but she would have to have dementia or Alzheimer's to do that. Otherwise, on the bright side, home health aides through Medicaid only have a 3 month lookback. Good luck.

You have to be firm with your mother and ask her to make all transactions dual signature. No credit card. Two names on the bank accounts and cheque books No atm card. No over the counter transactions
she cant stop herself. Have it ready to go by taking her to the bank

my MIL has given my BIL over 200K over the last 20 years