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We moved in with mom 4 months ago. Mom has not responded well , has anosgnosia, and confused and agitated by our presence most of the time . We had a incident where she screamed at us for creating a living space in her basement, our only area of respite besides the bedroom as she commandeers the entire first floor and sleeps in den where she spends 95% of her time . Husband LOST it, screamed back at her and has not looked at, spoken to, or acknowledged her in any way. I have been unable to help him to depersonalize her behavior. Mom has no recollection of this or any of her offensive behaviors and would deny if attempted to address with her as she lacks the capacity for reasoning or empathy any longer . I am caught between a rock and a hard place .

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Since mom is having anxiety and agitation with verbal outbursts, she needs psychiatric help. Start with getting a referral to a psychiatrist, preferably one specializing in geriatrics or experienced in geriatric patients. She needs evaluation, treatment and most likely medications to help with her anxiety and other mental health issues. It may take some time - weeks to months - to get her medications adjusted so that she can be calmer most of the time. The reason is that psych medications take time build to therapeutic doses in the blood stream, have many side effects, and may require combinations of medications to get desired results. Some people do better to be admitted to a hospital to get evaluated and treatment started sooner.
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The screaming can wear a person down.
It takes entire facility to care for people with dementia in environment that is safe. Trying this on your own at home it's going to be a Herculaneum task 24/7. Did it for 2 years . It sounds to me your mother's at the point where she should not ever be home by herself . Someone will have to be with her at all times. The dementia will only decline and can very fast. Her angry can be from a UTI infection. Usually when the rage escalates that is the problem .I'd have your mom tested .
Elderly can have a UTI infection all the time!!!. Not enough water not cleaning themselves properly. Then of course if that is the case she will need help with her personal care every day.
It is very hard work even harder when it is your mom caring for her on your own.
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This is not a healthy situation and you may need to make a different plan. It also sounds very familiar to me. But, my mother is bedridden and not as agitated as you describe. I try to be sympathetic to my husband while at the same time getting him to understand all of the issues facing me in making care decisions. There are no easy, perfect answers and you are caught in the middle. Can you really blame him for losing it? Maybe he can get over it or learn to stay away from her as much as possible. For a married couple to take on caregiving takes cooperation, understanding, empathy, patience, and the will to make it work despite huge sacrifices. Are you both up for that? Is he? For me, if I must make a choice he knows it will be him. I have been at this for three years. It is one foot in front of the other every day. But, that is only because we have a routine, boundaries, and willingness to make it work for now. You need a basic framework of how this living situation is going to work and get your mother in that routine. Otherwise, I don’t see how this will work for you. Best wishes.
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BurntCaregiver Sep 2023
@jenflemming

Although caring for a bedridden invalid with dementia is miserable and hard both physically and mentally, it's very different than caring for someone with advanced dementia who still mobile and strong. Very different.

You are right about all of it, but it's not the life for some people and they should not be forced into it by guilt or any other reason.

When I reconciled with my former husband we have discussed remarrying. Before that happens we already have legal paperwork now stating that there will not be any family member moved into our house for the purpose of caregiving needs nor will either one of us relocate to a family member's home to become their caregiver. If one of us does then we forfeit our half of our home to the other.

This is how serious we are about not becoming caregivers to senior family members who are growing ever more needy.


He saw what living with and providing care for my mother did to me. If not for reconciling with him I would probably not be here today that's how low it brought me.

He also remembers all the client stories I told him over the years.

We will not be caregivers. I would never expect him to.

No one has a right to expect their partner to give up their life to take care of an in-law. Or to lose their own husband or wife to the chains of care slavery because parents or senior family members become needy.
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You don't explain it to your husband. He does not have to have his life blown up and relocated to accommodate the care needs of your mother.

Your mother should be in a memory care facility if her dementia is as far advanced as you say it is here.

I was an in-home caregiver mostly to elderly for 25 years. I have seen many good and happy marriages end in bitter divorce because a couple put themselves in the situation you put yourself and your husband in.

Find a memory care facility and place your mother as soon as possible before your husband packs his bags and leaves you.
Neither of you should be living with your mother in the condition she's in. She should not be cared for at home either. She should be secured and being cared for my a full 24 staff in a safe, locked down memory care facility.
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Some people simply cannot handle this. I know I could not. Maybe your husband needs to find another living arrangement, I don’t think he is going to be able to handle this long term.
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NeedHelpWithMom Sep 2023
I actually thought about this too. He may end up moving back to their house by himself.

We are all individuals who view things in our own way.

It’s the same thing with staying by someone’s side on their death bed. I couldn’t bear to see someone that I loved draw their last breath. I visited mom but didn’t stand vigil waiting for the end to come.

My brother on the other hand felt that it was important for him to be there when mom died. I respect his views and was glad that he was present at the time of mom’s death.
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Well, short anwer: You DON'T. You Can't.

As the 'kid' we 'get' that our parent may not be acting appropriately, not kindly at all. But we're 'the kid' and are USED to it. Our LO's aren't. Your DH wasn'r raised by your mom. How would he know that what she says or does is NOT truly how she feels? He gets hurt and she is pleased, either secretly or openly. I don't care who you are in this dyamic. but words HURT.

My MIL has said some unbelievably mean to me over the 47 years I've been in the family. This dynamic was in play from day 1 and I really thought I could MAKE this woman care for me.

What a sad, pathetic waste of time and energy.

4 years ago I walked out of her house and told her I would never see her again, slapped her on the back, took a Diet Coke for the road and walked out. Haven't seen/spoken to her since. My DH has been unhappy with me over this for almost all 4 years--b/c I simply wouldn't sit there and take it. AND I wasn't there to divert her attention from HIM.

My DH was absolutely blind to the cruelty she showed me. He told me all the time to be the 'bigger person' and blamed me for making his mom 'worse'.

It took her having a temper tantrum one night, some months ago, to open his eyes. She has some level of dementia and I guess one night when he was babysitting her, she felt she had to offload ALL her complaints about me. I guess this lasted for several hours. Basically, she blamed ME for everything that's wrong in her life--and of course, that's patently false.

DH had an "AHA" moment that night. He finally realized that his mother had been exactly as mean to me as I always said she was. Her 'stories' and "mine' of the same event were so disparate, he realized she'd been putting me down for, well, 47 years.

It really, really upset him.

Several days later, trying to keep this in perspective, he finally told me he had to talk to me. And he told me ALL the crap she'd been spewing all these years.

You know what? He thought I'd fall apart and cry and carry on--and all I said was "well, who do you believe now?" He said "I am so sorry she has been like this to you, and sorry that I didn't believe you."

Yeah, that was nice, but I'm not 100% mended. I don't hold a grudge, but I'm also human and a lot of times something will come up and she reminds him of how awful I am-- and he gets upset all over.

I would not have my mom live with us, I definitely can't have HIS mom living with us.

You've made your bed--if I were your DH I would be seeking other living arrangements.

Some people can have their parents live with them and it's a workable situation.

You won't find many of those on this site. We're almost all 'damaged' by our CG situations. I hope you put your DH ahead of your mom.

My DH is just BEGINNING to see that I need to come first.
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Davenport Sep 2023
Wow, Midkid, what a story! How lucky, blessed, whatever, that you've got a smart and--super impressively--smart partner. I don't know all the facts and I'm against giving advice [unless asked], but hold on to him; prioritize him. Hearts and hugs to all of you.

I also completely understand that you feel resentment at your MILs meanness to you. You earned entitlement to resentment; regardless of her inability to filter her words, you received them. And that is as valid as the fact that MIL can't filter.

I've learned to 'hold both truths at the same time'. It's been extremely helpful: it takes judgment away from either side, and acknowledges and accepts that both (or all) parties are equally and morally legitimate.
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Let him be.
It is unfair to think he will never lose it, think of adjustment he had to make.
Can you get respite or put Mom in respite facility and take a break or short vacations?
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My mom has Lewy bodies, my grandfather had dementia resulting from Traumatic Brain Injuries, my Aunt had Alzheimer’s.
I now have early onset & things are progressing much faster than I’d anticipated.
I used to be like Teflon in that I had a very high stress job responding to others in crisis on a daily basis. Nothing ever made me come unglued.
I’m different now. I’m either calm or agitated- there’s no in between.
What has really helped me to not personalize what my mom says/does and helps me understand the changes in myself is factual information. Having my neurologist explain how my behaviors are changing because I only have 4% of my thalamus left & having him then give me a fact sheet with what my thalamus does & how it may affect me not having it, has made a world of difference in how I understand and accept myself & others.
It’s about brains not being whole & not able to function ideally or at all. With that in mind, it’s much easier to not take things personally.
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MeDolly Sep 2023
I am sorry to hear that you have been affected by this terrible disease. Sending support your way.
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My mother could be in that category. She has absolutely no awareness of her dementia condition and just yesterday she said she was 20 years old.

In your husband's defense, you're asking him to live in your mother's basement! That's a lot. And the cherry on top is that he has to tolerate your mother's screaming outbursts.

Think about that for a minute. And no, he shouldn't have screamed back to your mother, but it's understandable. We all have a breaking point. The best thing that he can do is to just avoid her, in my opinion. Walk away.

My mother was always a screamer and she's still a screamer. She's been living in my home now for 6 years. Having her in my home has turned my entire life upside down. When she moved in she demanded the master bedroom/bathroom, so I gladly moved into my daughter's old bedroom. That was the least of the changes.

Nevertheless, on most days, I'll get screamed at at least one time. I typically just tell her to stop screaming at me, that it doesn't help anything. It's a victory when I don't get triggered. At 64 years old, I DO NOT like living with the screaming that I was forced to live with while growing up.

In my opinion, dementia, is no excuse to allow someone to have a reign of terror and wreck the peace on a daily basis.

And she's my mother - heaven forbid if she was a mother-in-law.

As you stated, you are between a rock and hard place, but you can - and should be - the one to diffuse the situation as much as possible.

My advice. Don't let your mother scream at your husband. Tell her to stop the minute she starts. If she doesn't, then allow your husband the freedom to stay away from her in order to protect his own mental health.

She is your mother. It's your responsibility to deal with her.

Peace.
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Hothouseflower Sep 2023
My mother does not have dementia, she’s a mean miserable woman. When she starts screaming I tell her bring it mom, I will be out of here so fast it’ll make yiur head spin. That shuts her up.
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Lukas071, I hear you and know where you are coming from. My husband and I tried to honor my MIL’s wishes that she never go into a nursing home, but when you take care of someone with dementia, everything goes wonky in a heartbeat. I don’t blame you or your husband for having second thoughts or not being able to stomach living with a person with dementia. You never know how it will turn out no matter what anyone says.

We moved my MIL in with us and it was pure Hell for me. The once loving and kind woman who loved me like a daughter forgot who I was first. Whoever she thought I was with her dementia made her hate me. She would verbally and physically attack me at times, and I was forced to hide from her in my own home. Because of his pain at seeing his mother like this, my husband did not support me at all in my feelings in our situation. He blamed me for not being strong enough, all while he was not handling the situation well at all.

Please do not let anyone place blame on you! There is absolutely no way that you or your husband could have known how things would change! Please do consider placing your mom in a memory care facility. If not for the sake of your marriage, at least so that you have some peace of mind.

I am currently caring for my mother, who has more physical challenges and some mental decline, but does not have dementia. She also never wants to have to be placed in a care home and we are trying to honor her wishes but it is hurting me to try to care for her. I had to give up a job that I loved and was good at to care for her and there is resentment there. It has prompted me to tell my kids that I never want them to rearrange their lives for me. Just find me a clean and nice care home and come visit me often. I refuse to disrupt their lives as mine as been disrupted. My husband criticizes me a lot, without realizing that he is doing it, and I do not feel supported by anyone. Please remember that both you and your husband are trying to handle this the best that you can. Everyone will make mistakes and lose their tempers but shame on anyone who will place the blame squarely on your shoulders, or his.

Many people can comment on your situation and give you as much advice as they want, but you are the only ones living it. And every situation is vastly different. I wish you and your husband the best and hope that you can all find peace in this crazy situation.
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You are punishing yourself and hubs needs to rethink his anger. Explain to hubs that mom's brain is broken and all the arguing or screaming at her won't fix it. Tell him to Google forms of dementia behavior so he understands it better. She goes off by yelling and forgets about it for herself, he remembers it forever and holds a grudge. Explain it to him as a short circuit....sometimes the lightbulb works and sometimes it doesn't. Difference is her wiring can't be fixed and he'll just have to learn to deal with her and appreciate the times when the bulb is on.

Tell him it's time to let go of the anger and being noncommunicative with mom.
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NeedHelpWithMom Sep 2023
I don’t think that her husband’s feelings are related only to anger. Sure, that may be a part of it.

I think he longs for time alone with his wife and living as they did before they moved in with her mom.

This is a huge adjustment for him. It’s hard for her too. I think it’s harder for him. This isn’t his mom.

Perhaps for some people, like the wife, it’s easier to have more compassion for their own parents.

It’s tough to share a home with our parents. It was difficult for my husband and I when my mom lived in our home for several years.

I regret not placing my mom because it affected my husband’s life greatly.

My mom wasn’t mean to my husband but we missed having our privacy and not being able to do the things that we did before mom moved in with us.
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Lukas071: Perhaps your DH (Dear Husband) can garner a better understanding on dementia by reading the book, 'The 36 Hour Day.'
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Some people just can’t deal with dementia patients/people. It’s not easy. She should be in memory care, or maybe try an adult day care. Does she act nicer when more people are around? I hope that your husband supports you emotionally. He should have a separate place (another room) that he can go to during the day. Or, maybe your Mom can have a private space. I would recommend getting in some help during the day, and eventually at night if you/she can afford it. Additionally, there are programs where you can get paid for caring for a family member. Maybe you could share that job with someone else that your family trusts. It will help reduce the stress of having it all to do yourself. All the best during the stress!
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Family sharing the same house is never easy, never....even without dementia illnesses factored in.
And, sorry to say this, but the dementia illness and all of the behaviors and safety and physical care as well as dealing with the emotional components of the dementia person AND, the needs and differences among " well" family will be an enormous challenge.
I hope perhaps you will go ahead now and get her PCP to refer you to some form of homes health services to start getting help with her and assist you and your husband with suggestions to help cope.
If you like, call a local hospice of choice and talk with the clinical supervisor, perhaps have them come and assess your mother for hospice admit appropriatness; they can beca big help with not only care but guidance and support with family as disease progresses and will provide respite care for PT to give you and husband a break. And, I don't know why exactly you decided to move in with her vs placing her in a memory care facility but remember that decision can always be revised. Get her PCP to refer you to a Geriatric Case Manager usually a licensed social worker to provide you with support and guidance re options. And, while you're at it, you may want to confer with an Elder Law Attorney as the ins and outs of caring for aging , who's who,what s what etc is very complex ...
Practice self care !
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I am sorry that you are going through all of this.

Let me just say that it’s hard to live with our family members regardless of whether they have or don’t have any form of dementia. Dementia certainly adds another layer to your challenging situation.

I realize that you want the best care for your mom. I saw in one of your responses that you and your husband mutually agreed on moving in with your mom as an interim solution until you find placement.

I don’t see any point in making you feel badly about a bad call in judgment by moving in with your mom, so I won’t go there. Do everything that you can to remedy this situation before it becomes worse.

Your marriage and your peace of mind are equally as important as your mom’s care.

I know that you frustrated and disappointed in your husband’s reaction.

Of course, your mother’s behavior isn’t her fault, but are you willing to allow your husband the same amount of grace that you give to your mother?

Don’t expect your husband to stick around when he needs a break. Don’t berate him for not being able to tolerate your mom’s behavior. Tell him that you understand if he wishes to get out of the house.

This is a new environment for your husband. How was he supposed to know in advance that he would not cope well in these circumstances?

Place yourself in your husband’s shoes. What if this was his mom and you found that you didn’t want to be walking on eggshells all the time?

Your mom’s behavior, regardless of whether it’s due to her dementia or not isn’t an easy thing for your husband to shrug off. It won’t be any less frustrating for him even if he understands how dementia works.

Can your mom afford to hire additional caregivers so that you and your husband can return to your home?

Wishing you and your family all the best.
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PeggySue2020 Sep 2023
Excellent advice, Nh.

The op promised husband that this was temporary. Time is now up.
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Tell him to leave the area when she starts irritating him.
* Escort him out of the area / room
* If it might help him, tell him it is not good for him own health to 'argue' with her.

NUMERO 1 : NEVER EVER ARGUE WITH A PERSON WITH DEMENTIA

It is HARD to not react, even when we know what the reason is (brain cells dying / brain chemistry changing).

If he'll read, get a book explaining -
* highlight areas he needs to read
* make copies of pertinent information he needs to read

* Make appt for the family to go to provider medical professional (ZOOM) and have a discussion. He might listen better / differently to a professional, as many people do, esp when dealing with very close personal relationships.

Gena / Touch Matters
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BurntCaregiver Sep 2023
@TouchMatters

You can tell people all the things to never do when a person has dementia all day long.

We're all human beings and there's not a one of us alive today who had no breaking point. Who has an unlimited supply of patience and compassion. Not even the Dalai Lama.

Clearly life with the manipulative, tantrum-throwing, argumenative, ornery, completely out of it dementia MIL is too much for him.

This too much for anybody. The woman belongs in memory care.
It's no one's fault that dementia has made her how she is, but she belongs in memory care.
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Even if your husband does understand it doesn't mean he's going to be able to pretend that your living situation isn't increasingly intolerable to him, it sounds as though this experiment in multigenerational living needs to end lest your marriage ends instead.
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TouchMatters Sep 2023
Not so fast!
He needs to be educated.
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First, don’t be so dismissive of her bad behavior. As someone who has had to deal with the bad behavior of a partner’s mother I can tell you that you do take it personally and it can be difficult to forgive. I also think that there is definitely some part of them that knows what they are doing. I am not so quick to just write it off as dementia.

My mom-in-law had a pattern of saying horrible things, apologizing, and then doing it again. When she asked her daughter why I stopped coming around her daughter told her and she denied everything.

The dementia makes it worse but it should not be an excuse to take abuse. I haven’t seen my mother-in-law in 4 months now and I am so much happier. My partner, like you, begs me to bury the hatchet and tries to smooth things over. She tells me how much her mom wants to see me and asks about me. She asks me to go with her to give her emotional support. This is the only reason I may see her again, because right now my response is that I am done with that woman and I may see her next at her own funeral.

People even with advanced dementia know how to be nice or can be calmed down if they are agitated. However, some people are just mean, rude, and nasty. I don’t care if their brain is broken. Don’t take it out on me.

My advice to you is to give it time and sympathize with your husband. He will eventually want to help you again. However, that may involve putting mom in memory care as this could be the straw that broke the camel’s back so to speak.
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lkdrymom Sep 2023
I completely agree with you. I think many with 'dementia' are able to control it to some degree but chose not to. My father knew that the AL would not send him to the ER over constipation (his favorite topic) so he would tell them he fell and hit his head which would get him a trip to the Er where he could talk about constipation once he got there. Yet he had a 'broken brain'.

Even if MIL truly does not know what she is doing or does not have control over it, her husband should not have to put up with the abuse if he doesn't want to. Being understanding only goes so far. Not everyone has a thick skin to tolerate it.
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Please listen to Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. She will explain in a way your husband might get it.
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TouchMatters Sep 2023
Thank you. I mention Teepa almost all the time in my posts.
I studied on-line webinars with her for 1-1/2 years.

It will help this woman's husband considerably.
(I didn't think of this - excellent idea!) - thank you. Gena
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I'm going to slide in here with an unpopular opinion. While I agree that your mom needs to be in memory care and with late stage dementia, her wish to remain in her home is foolish at best, the second that my husband showed my mom even the faintest whiff of hostility or screamed at her no matter how her dementia is presenting itself, he would be out on his butt rethinking his life choices.

Moving in was a bad idea, which I think you're probably aware, but this can be fixed by finding a facility for her.
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taimedowne Sep 2023
As a husband in that situation I think it would be clear to me that I married the wrong woman if you did that and I would wish you the best of luck taking care of your mom on your own.
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I found with my DH he just never really understood. He says he does but then there is that but. He lived with my Mom for 20 months and her decline was monthly. I think he always felt she knew what was going on. Just yesterday Dementia was brought up and he said something about people being aware they have it. I said they may be aware something is wrong but not that its Dementia. Some are told early on they have Dementia and won't except it.
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Let's look at this as a short term situation. Can more help be hired?

Hubby needs to grow up a bit, assuming he has all his faculties and is not on the s spectrum or something that would explain why he does not understand that your mom can not control her behavior. Her brain is broken. He might want to do some reading about dementia, grey rock - response to his triggers, boundaries, etc. Maybe he should spend as much time as possible not in your mother's presence but supporting you in other ways as you care for her.

Best of luck.
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When I lost my temper with my dad, I felt hostile toward him. Telling myself to forgive him didn’t help because it was all wrong. I realized I was the capable one, berating a vulnerable old man who was not capable of understanding. After I apologized to him and to God and forgave myself, I felt kind toward him again. I am slow, so I failed more than once.
 
You are all in a difficult situation.  Your husband might not be in any mood to be corrected. He might have to figure this out for himself. Hang in there.
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Good Morning,

You simply tell them their brain is broken. With the proper medication some of the symptoms can be controlled by visiting a Geriatric Neuro-Psy doc every 6 months.

It's sad but with the Dementia's they are different people, I'm sorry to say.
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Please educate your husband that she is not the same person he knew and never will be again. Also speak to her doctor for anxiety medication so it calms her too. This is a terrible disease of which they have no control. I took care of my husband for 3 years in our home surrounded by all he loved until he passed. Your husband and family need to be educated on dementia and maybe her doctor can help but there are is so much on line too. My husband would have an anxiety attach and after would cry like a baby. He knew something was wrong but did not understand. Please if I can tell you anything stay calm, and yes it is hard, keep your voice soothing and don’t get triggered by their actions. It intensifies the situation. They are so scared and all they have is us to keep them safe. I wish you patience and empathy as I walked in your shoes. When they pass you will be grateful you were able to give them the best you in the time they have left.
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My mom has dementia but hasn’t got mean . The drs said she had to go because she lived alone. I would think about a nursing home because that’s alot on you and your husband
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Despite the bad choice of moving in, I still do feel for your husband. I wouldn't want to be yelled at either and I really wouldn't care that she doesn't know any better. Abuse is still abuse.
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"Very little help from siblings who live locally."

Your siblings stepped away. Why didn't you? Did they perhaps think your mother needed to be in a facility, but you said no way and so instead moved in to take care of her?

Why were you the ones to move in with her? There were no other options?
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MeDolly Sep 2023
CTTN I agree with you!
This entire moving in with a parent throws me for a loop...why? There are other options available. PPl do this without doing their homework, they should come to a site like this before not after.

The husband will not adjust, honestly, nor would I. Last thing I would want to do is move in with my mother, I would live in a box under a bridge before I would do that.

So much of this mindset circulates around wanting to please a parent, because the parent wants to stay in their home although they are not capable of doing do on their own.

Life is about change and accepting the changes that happen in our life, nothing remains constant it either gets better or worse.

This will not get better.
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Whether mom is being deliberately mean and rude or not is pretty irrelevant. What's relevant is that trying to care for an elder with stage 5 dementia is pretty impossible for you both at home. Acknowledge that fact and go about getting her placed in a Memory Care Assisted Living facility or hire 24/7 caregivers in her home so YOU can move OUT.

Best of luck.
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You lost me right at your first sentence. “We moved in…” is where you screwed up, bigtime. Not much sympathy for your husband, really, as he had to agree to this cockamamie decision. While I do not blame him one tiny bit for cutting your mother dead (okay, okayyy, not her fault, but still, a huge pain to deal with!) I can’t help wondering why he does not stand firm and say, “This nonsense stops right now!” Either you place her somewhere (on her nickel) or you move out. What kind of life are any of you having?
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Pyrite Sep 2023
PRECISELY! You MOVED IN WITH HER ????
Good grief!
And husband responds in same manner SHE would?
I see more than ONE problem.

Wowie!
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