My mother-in-law (68) came to live with us two years ago after suffering a massive stroke. I am a young mom, 36, with a 5, 3, 1 year old and a new baby on the way. I also work and watch my kids from home.
I feel like a prisoner in my own home.
My MIL is a hermit. All she does is watch TV, either the news or murder mystery. She doesn’t call anyone to pick her up, she doesn’t want to go outside, nothing. She won’t even go to church.
She also has high blood pressure and a rare autoimmune disease caused by the stroke so she has a very strict diet. She gets frustrated she has to cook her own meals, or when we don’t offer her our dinner. I find myself not living at all, things like baking with my kids, cooking the things i enjoy (bacon!), or going out to eat, because I prefer to just avoid the confrontation of her getting upset or making snarky childish comments, plus I just feel bad… how is that?
I feel very resentful and angry. Here’s why…
More than anything, I feel angry because she made such poor choices that put her in this situation. Smoke, drank and ate poorly. We warned her, but she wouldn’t listen. She also had a very codependent personality prior to the stroke. If you do one thing for her, she starts to expect it all the time. I feel a crazy person because it’s hard to tell when she is lying and being codependent vs when she’s actually struggling.
Ultimately, I don’t feel peace in my house. She’s always there. The TV is always on. And I am CONSTANTLY thinking about her.
I’m trapped.
I’m a strong woman of faith and I believe the Lord has me in this season to sharpen me, but I am frankly sad. I try to take it one day at a time because when I think about her being with us for 10+ years I get incredibly upset.
What is a young mother to do?
Does she have the funds to go to an assisted living facility? Have you discussed this with your husband?
I am sure that it’s terrible hard to manage being a mom to three children and care for her. When is your baby due? All of this stress isn’t good for you while you are pregnant.
Do you have any outside help? Who will take care of her when you go to the hospital to have your baby?
Have you spoken with therapist about this situation? A good therapist can help you sort out your feelings and help you plan what is best for your family.
Has she gone to rehab after her stroke? What does her doctor say about her condition? Have you contacted Council on Aging in your area to get an assessment on her condition?
Wishing you peace as you continue on your caregiving journey.
You say that you rely on your faith. Pray for wisdom to help you find a viable solution.
You have 4 young children to raise and another coming?! Why didn't she get into a facility after her stroke? How did MIL's care giving get shoved on you, when you already have young kids and a baby on the way? That is insane!
What does your husband do to help you? Your priority is your children. Where are other family members? If none, you need to work on getting her into Assisted Living or a Senior Community. She can get Home Care coming in a few days a week from Medicare.
Nobody on earth would expect you to be her 24/7 caregiver when you have a house filled with young children you are responsible for! Get a Social Worker to help you get MIL placed somewhere else. Call her Doctor, for starters. Call APS and tell them you have a family and she is a total burden when trying to raise your young ones! The frustration and hopelessness would be killing me.
You will end up burned to a crisp, and it is totally UNFAIR you have been stuck with the burden of your MIL for any longer. This is unfair to your children too. She can get low income housing somewhere. She won't get any better, only worse.
I would be fighting to get her out with all my might. Good luck.
Does your MIL have funds to live on her own in a senior apartment , or assisted living ?
I hope she has funds because this is unsustainable to live like this in your own home , with a job and young children .
Your responsibility is to those kids. Not her.
I think back at my memories of the quality times I spent with them. Reading Harry Potter to my 2nd grader. Those quality times when you have 4 children and a job are so hard to find, but extremely important for there well-being.
Your baby needs bonding that's extremely important for your baby's future mental health. I'm not saying your not doing this but I just know how hard it was without a mother in law. Raising 4 kids takes an army of support. My parents but exspecially my in laws played a huge roll in helping me.
This is just going to get harder. I literally had are dog get out, toilet overflow and a broken hand at the same time.
And to do this while taking care of a needy inlaw it's a recipe for disaster. My mental health has been in jeopardy, just taking care of my mom alone!
Please talk to your husband and make a plan.
Your plight truly resonates with me. I am well into year 6 of caring for my mother, who like yours, has made terrible life-health choices. Thankfully, she does not live with me. My family has suffered, my marriage has suffered and my health has suffered. I have much too slowly realized and implemented a new way of caring for her and saving me - the word "No". Was it hard? Yes. Is it worth it? Yes. Please, please for your sake, your marriage sake and your children's sake make the change needed. Your MIL needs to move out. You need to enjoy these all too fleeting years with your children. Much too quickly they will be grown and gone. You do not want to go down that "I should have..." road in the future.
Keeping you in my thoughts and wishing you well on this journey❤️
Have you told your husband what you have said here?
What was his response?
Your MIL is 68! Does your husband think that you can do this for another 20 years? Granted it could be not that many but it could also be longer.
She has been with you for 2 years....I am surprised that you have a 1 year old an another on the way!
Where is your husband in all of this? You don't mention him pitching in or helping in any way. And have you spoken to him about how you're feeling? If he's any kind of man, he should already know how you're feeling just by the look on your face.
This craziness has to stop. It is so very unfair to not only you, but to your young children and unborn child as well.
It's time to have a come to Jesus meeting with your husband first and then your MIL, that you can no longer continue on like this and that your MIL has to go.
And if money is an issue for your MIL, then she'll have to apply for Medicaid and be placed in the appropriate facility.
Her care is NOT your responsibility, nor is it your husbands. Both of your responsibilities are each other first and then your children. PERIOD. End of sentence.
And if your MIL is only 68 years old, heck she could live another 30+ years, not the 10+ that you quoted sad to say.
I too consider myself a strong woman of faith, and under NO circumstances would I allow this nonsense to continue. You've been "sharpened" enough I do believe and now it's time for peace and joy to reside in your house.
I hope and pray that you will have the courage to stand up for yourself and your children and get the ball rolling to make the necessary changes in getting your MIL placed elsewhere soon.
You and your children deserve that much and your children also deserve a mom who is filled with joy and peace and not one that is sad and burned out all the time.
May God bless you and keep you moving forward.
The second was consenting to let MIL move in. I take it your DH fully believes you should be ever so grateful to take care of his mother since you make no mention of him in your post.
The big question is have you talked to your DH about getting MIL out of your home? What does he say?
Your Mom in law has a good thirty years left to live.
How old are you? How old will be you when she dies?
Because your infant will be about 31 then.
Is this how you will spend your life?
That question is up to YOU and to NO ONE ELSE. YOU did this.
You willingly took in your MIL into your home and it is now HER home.
You have no right to judge her TV viewing habits or religion (or lack of same). That isn't your business.
It is also a waste of valuable time to marinate in how she lived her life.
That is DONE and OVER. It's too late for that.
SO, what will you do?
Up to you, really.
This is what I would do:
I would sit my husband down and say: "Honey, it is partially my fault that we took your mother in when I had an infant, and that since then I had yet ANOTHER infant, but I am too overwhelmed to go on. I am sorry to tell you, but you now have to choose between your mom and me.
I will be leaving if your mom isn't out of our home within the next 6 months. I will be taking the children and you will have to support us as best you can. I cannot go on in this manner."
Then that's what I would do. I hope to god you have parents willing to take you in with three children.
Some things cannot be fixed. Or there are some "fixes" we get ourselves into that are so horrific they cannot be changed.
I wish you the very best of luck. I am sorry to be so tough on you, but as much as you want to lower the boom on MIL for bad decision making, your OWN decision making is very poor.
OP, I’m rooting for you to turn this around!
My own cousin who ran marathons, ate a healthy, clean, organic diet, and never drank or smoked in his life dropped dead from a massive heart attack at the age of 42. It can happen.
You'd be helping yourself and your young family if you did away with the poor, overworked martyr act. Start there. You chose to have one baby after another. You choose to keep all of them at home. You choose to allow your MIL to basically squat in your house 24/7. Believe me, if she went to church it would not make one bit of difference in your domestic situation.
You know the Lord also gave us all a good bit of practical wisdom to guide our lives.
'God helps those who help themselves'.
It's time for you to start helping yourself because soon you will have four children. They are more important than your MIL. So sit down with your husband and tell him where it's at. His mother is going to be moved out of your house and that is non-negotiable. If he refuses then tell him he better get a second job because he's going to have to with the alimony and child support for four kids that he will be paying.
Good luck to you and please, stand up for yourself. Set a proper example for your kids of a woman who respects herself.
According to pollster George Barna, the phrase “God helps those who help themselves” topped a poll as one of the most widely known Bible verses. The only problem is, it's not a Bible verse. Nope, it's not in there. It was first written by Algernon Sidney in Discourses Concerning Government in 1698. According to the Bible, God is the helper of the helpless.
I don’t think that you are behaving like a martyr. I think that you are overwhelmed and desperately looking for help.
It’s hard to raise children and be a caregiver at the same time. I cared my parents while raising our children.
My mother lived in our home for many years. If I could do things over I would have made her stay temporary until I found a place for her to live.
Sometimes difficult circumstances and our emotions have a way of clouding our judgment. Many people become lost along the way.
Focus on what you can do now to make your life easier for you. The first step is to speak with your husband.
Tell your husband that this situation isn’t sustainable. Your children are your first priority. Ask him if he could accomplish what you are doing if he were in your position.
Make an appointment with a therapist if you feel that you need a mediator to help guide you through this.
I hope that you have some outside help. The stress alone is enough to cause problems during your pregnancy, let alone the additional burden of caregiving.
I am glad that you are comforted by your faith. Hopefully, you do not belong to an ultra conservative fundamentalist religion that believes men run the show and wives don’t have any input. You deserve to be an equal partner with your husband.
There are approximately 10,000 religions in the world. All claiming to know the truth. There will always be mysteries in life. You don’t have to know all of the answers to life’s mysteries. Just find a belief system that works well for you.
Update us when you can. I am sure that you are quite busy and don’t have much free time for yourself.
Take care.
Your kids are so young, my oldest developed bipolar as a teen, next one down toreetts, 3rd one Nero divergent, 4th one asthma. All 4 have very successful happy lives now. What about the future when one or more of your children need special attention.
But to put caregiving in that mix. Your not super woman. You will burn out.
Your home is no longer a refuge for you and your kids. This ‘sharpening’ is doing nothing but hurting your kids and compromising your mothering them. Do you think God wants your kids to hurt like this?
Do you feel you had a choice to bring your MIL to live with your family?
Even if you are not a regular part of any church, many have Elder Care ministries and may be able to provide some relief. It's not a permanent solution but may buy you some breathing room to begin to find a different solution for your Mom.
Call social services for your county and start talking to a social worker. Get your Mom assessed for in-home services she qualify for. She is young enough to receive SSDI and may be a candidate for Section 8 housing or a group home. She won't like any of it but your burden is unsustainable on any level.
Pray for wisdom. In scripture it is promised that God will always give it to you if you ask. May you receive peace in your heart as you work towards other solutions.
what a beautiful response! well said and solid advice.
This is his mother. He needs to find some other place for his mother to live.
People get strokes all the time, even people who make better health choices. Don't be resentful about that. Be resentful that she's under foot and needs to live some place other than your home and it sounds like you have an absentee husband who has his head up where the sun doesn't shine.
Your children are your priority and having four children is a huge amount of work. You need to be at your best to be a loving mother to them. Get her out of your house pronto.
If the husband is pressuring his wife to continue on this exhausting path, then she not only has a caregiver situation, but also a problem within her marriage.
No matter how strict of a religious background one comes from, it is impossible to to care for babies 5, 3, 1 and newborn and an elder. MIL could live another 20 years. Of course you are sad. Please get help.
Because I speak from experience when I tell you you are going to have PPD and then a nervous breakdown.
"Ultimately, I don’t feel peace in my house."
This.
I can't say 'peace' was the first word I thought of in house of youngsters 😁.
I thought of the happy noise (& squabbles!) of children at play, the mess of the dressup box & craft, the lego underfoot, music. Baking.. makin' bacon pancakes.. 🎵🥓🥞
Fun, noise, tears & tantrums. Then add the excitment but also the sheer work of a new bub.
I can see why anger is felt.
I can see it is an easy path to direct it towards MIL.
But is it her fault? Really? Is your anger misdirected? Is it because you & not spending your days doing as you choose to? Why not? To avoid conflict. Ok.
It's no-one's fault, but the one with disabilities can sort of take over a houshold. (Stroke is a disability). Others start walking in 'eggshells' as they saying goes to avoid upsetting them.
That's what this appears ro me.
Let's talk about MIL, a stroke survivor. Kind of too young for a NH but too effected by the stroke to be living independantly, right?
Stroke can bring many changes eg mobility issues, physical & mental fatigue, mood changes eg apathy, depression.
* MIL may stay stable for years, but her needs will increase.
* Your children's needs WILL grow.
* You are ONE person.
It's time to start arranging a bigger care team than just you (+ ?husband).
I adore your description of childhood! Makes me miss the days of when my children were young 😊.
Especially when you spoke about the ‘dress up’ box. My daughters loved playing dress up and putting on performances for us.
Our youngest daughter was such a drama queen and became a theatre brat for years!
Many men hold this view.
They neither understand nor care about the effects. It is duty.
Roles are defined & the men's duty is being the breadwinner.
We've not heard a peep about him though to know.
Adult Day Care for MIL.