My dad at 88 was recently diagnosed with multiple myeloma. He was the caregiver of my mom for years; now I care for them both with 2 brothers support from a distance. We have gone thru 3 visiting angels, presently I am the caregiver. I live 30 minutes away and go daily to their home to shop for groceries, plan and prepare their 3 meals, laundry, daily chores, take them both to appointments, etc. The hardest thing to deal with is my moms temperament which I hate to say, is just mean. She chooses to yell, say mean things which are demeaning. If you don’t agree with her, you are chastised or possibly slapped. She has always been a stern woman believing she is always in the right; definitely not a warm, loving type person, telling me I’m much too sensitive. I tell her I love her every time I see her or leave her; her response is ‘thank you’.
I want to help my parents in their old age and illnesses but am finding myself not wanting to go to their home because of the constant fighting between them, mean behavior toward each other…mostly my mom towards my dad, and me not being able to do anything right in their eyes. It’s like walking on eggs shells in a lions den!
How do I do this? I’m a loving daughter who has sacrificed much to be able to help them, no family near by to help, and especially with Covid, finding it hard to hire home care.
I have learned a great deal about how to work with my LOs with dementia in order to move things along and keep the peace by watching Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. Your mom may not get any nicer so you will need to educate yourself if you're going to be their primary caregiver. You must keep reminding yourself that your mom's brain is broken and she wouldn't be saying and doing the things she is now doing if she were her prior self.
I was given this list by a friend and find it very useful:
Rules for engaging with dementia:
1) Agree, do not argue
2) Divert, do not attempt to reason
3) Distract, do not shame
4) Reassure, do not lecture
5) Reminisce, do not ask “Do you remember…?”
6) Repeat, do not say “I told you”
7) Do what they can do, don’t say “you can’t”
8) Ask, do not demand
9) Encourage, do not condescend
10) Reinforce, never force
It's hard and I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart.
It is hard to understand she may have dementia…she gives my dad his meds correctly as well as her own, continues to pay bills correctly, handles laundry ok, works puzzles constantly (to the point of ignoring people), reads a newspaper, magazines and calls in orders on phone for gifts, etc. She refuses to learn computer use, seldom uses her cell phone, and blocks almost everyone from their landline if she doesn’t know the number…even doctors, visiting angels, insurances, etc that try to get through to her. They call me because they can’t get through on her phone, and the result is I’m trying to run her house. If the visiting angel gives me a list of groceries to order(I’ve been setting up groceries online for home delivery) and she thinks I have talked to her too much, I’m trying to run her house. Although my mom doesn’t communicate with the caretaker at all, simply busies herself working her puzzles.
I will have to return to her home to take my dad to his treatment and labs weekly, that she can’t control. My dad has been placed in the middle, and I fear it will jeopardize his treatment and success of getting better. He experiences verbal abuse and mean outbursts from her as well and has for years, and tells me I need to ‘be an adult’
and ignore her, yet he also tells me he knows I need to leave when she treats me badly and not be her punching bag.
I have been leaving as I told them both I would, and now have been told by mom that I don’t need to come back.
I am on wonderful terms with their visiting angel and pray she will continue. I have made her aware I won’t be there for a while and have asked her to keep me updated on them. I will continue to do things for them in the background…order groceries, take care of prescriptions, insurance needs, etc.
What else do you suggest I do to help them both? My mom will never agree to be ‘evaluated’ for dementia.
Also agree that she may have dementia and I would think she might need a little bit of a med that might make her less violent.
Is there home care in your area? If so, I would push harder for that and say that you just can't do the level of care you have been. I'd be afraid a little bit for my safety. You do not need to put yourself in this negative and generally horrible situation.
Maybe a meeting with your siblings is in order to discuss how to deal with mom? It'd be nice if you were all on the same page.
Set some reasonable boundaries and stick with them.
Is your dad's condition poor and he is not able to care for himself? That makes it tricky but seriously get some outside help ASAP. Or they will have to end up in some type of placement if no one can safely care for them at home anymore.
So sorry for your situation.
Yours has gone to physical, and that layers an extra layer of unacceptability. No home care person will put up with this either.
If there's still no POA and they are still of enough sound mind to not do that, then it is on them and not on you, their dysfunction.
Another question, do they moderate their behaviors around non-family? Then they know how to moderate their behaviors. If it's still their money, then they can spend it on people who they would treat with some civility. You have no obligation to do this for free while being abused.
I will still be taking my dad to his weekly appts I think. But otherwise, I am not welcome in her home. Neither of them drive, so she has told me she is making other arrangements to get to her appts and I’m not needed. This treatment and alienation of me has really hurt my dad, besides myself. He refuses to confront her though. I have told them both my boundaries and will hold to them. Unfortunately it is sacrificing valued time I could be having with them (if she weren't being abusive).
Deal with your father on his own as much as you can. After all he eats the food, needs the groceries, get prescriptions filled etc. You don’t need to get the groceries that only your mother likes, either. You have a perfect right to do this, and in fact it’s what mother says she wants. Stand up for yourself. If mother gets away with this, she is not going to change. Many older people thoroughly enjoy flexing their muscles like this.
I would of never dreamed their last years would be this way. Thank you for your encouragement.
So she'd fight with dad to the point where my DH and I would be called in to break it up! Dad was so kind and tolerant of her ugliness, too, until the end of his life. He'd always stick up for her and tell me I was wrong for getting aggravated with her, but towards the end, HE was the one who was sick and tired of her antics!
I always felt badly for dad but kept in mind he chose to stay married to the woman. I, on the other hand, chose to leave her presence when her behavior got ugly, and I still do. She has advanced dementia now at almost 95, lives in Memory Care, and never utters dad's name...he died in 2015. She could care less.
Try to avoid your mother and definitely don't tolerate being slapped! Do what you can for dad and speak with him on the phone privately to see what he needs from you. It stinks being put in the middle of your parents like this, I feel your pain.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation
I don't have any answers other than slapping you is abusive and you owe it to yourself and her to put the kibosh on that asap. You sound like a very caring individual, and if you grew up in a volatile home like I did, you learned people pleasing behaviors to keep the peace. Mom has no rights to treat you as anything but respectfully as the adult you are. If she cannot control herself due to dementia I would practice grey rock and stay more than an arms length from her. I'm sorry you're going through this, it must be terribly hard. ❤️