I have been caretaking for parents and their home for past 7 years. My 79yr old mother has health and mental issues, my hard of hearing 85yr old father does not, but is an alcoholic. When my brother passed away who was caretaking for them, I returned home after living 3,000 miles away, for 12 years, to help my parents, because I felt it was the right thing to do, and mend things with my mother. I am the "black sheep" in my family and my mother always resented me because I am different, and don't do things her way, and she resents me. She is verbally abuse to me and my father, and continues to live in the past. At first I lived in their basement for 3 years, then moved by myself about 15 minutes away from them. I am 60 with my own issues but still went there to clean and do what was needed, I am now feeling burnout. I have a sister who only sends me a text when, she wants to tell me what I should be doing, and other family members who complain about things. None of them visit regularly, offer any help, and don't want to listen to my mother misery, and negative hurtful words, about my dad and his drinking, and the other same old complains that are same thing every day. I am the only one that visits, or tries to get things done. When I try to talk with my family about solutions, they pretty much tell me they don't want to hear, and I should just deal with it. I finally snapped on my sister after I got a text New Year Day, about the hoarding and my mother complaining about what not is getting done. I know what needs to be done, I am willing, with help, but every time they prevent me from doing or getting it done, then turn around, and cry about me doing nothing. I have told my mother hire someone, she doesn't want strangers doing things inside house, and doesn't want to pay people, which they can afford. They fight me about everything, blame me when not done, pay me peanuts, and constantly complains about me to everyone, when I only have their best at heart? Any suggestions?
You are not their slave nor are you required to do anything to assist them. Your priority is to take care of yourself first.
My mother-in-law is a hoarder, has hallucinations/delusions, but not dementia. She made life for my father-in-law very difficult and my husband, their only son, was not allowed to visit because of her. She would threaten to disinherit him when he would call to speak with his father. She did nasty things when her sister-in-law called. My FIL fell and lay on the ground for days before she called 911. My DH’s cousin called to let him know his father was in the hospital during because his mother wouldn’t call him. He went there, fixed the billing with the hospital, saw his father before he passed, forced his mother to go to hospital to visit - the hospital thought my FIL wasn’t married - bought groceries for his mother because there wasn’t any food in the house, arranged the funeral, etc. She was barely grateful. If we could have gotten her into assisted living, that would have been great. She thought the house was haunted & kept calling the police. They were going to take her in for a mental evaluation. Finally, 7 months later after I compiled a list of ALFs, she was forced to go. Her credit cards are canceled, she can’t leave, but she is getting the care she needs in a clean environment. DH was so angry, he didn’t want to deal w/her house. I cleaned it, found a contractor to cut the grass, an exterminator, someone to remove the bulky crap I couldn’t, and then arranged to have DH come down to have contractors come in and fix the house to sell. It took 8 months. The last 3 I didn’t have to do anything but DH had to close it out. He was happy. Less work for him. His mother is being cared for and does better with little interaction from us. She becomes angry if she sees or speaks or has any interaction with us, blaming us for her misery, which is all due to her mental state.
she thinks she could live in a place like in the movie “The Enchanted Cottage.” She was told that such a place doesn’t exist. She told me to find a small place with a middle aged woman to take care of her near us. I told her she couldn’t afford it and that she’d fire the person the first minute she saw them.
To yourself be true. Stick to your guns on what you need and if your mother spreads misery, tell her you are leaving or hanging up the phone and do it. When you stop helping, they’ll need to find a solution and outside help will be the solution. Leave the name and number for the outside help in big letters where they can find it.
My MIL had to be tricked into going to the ALF, but she wasn’t going home or with us.
You are not their slave nor are you required to do anything to assist them. Your priority is to take care of yourself first.
My mother-in-law is a hoarder, has hallucinations/delusions, but not dementia. She made life for my father-in-law very difficult and my husband, their only son, was not allowed to visit because of her. She would threaten to disinherit him when he would call to speak with his father. She did nasty things when her sister-in-law called. My FIL fell and lay on the ground for days before she called 911. My DH’s cousin called to let him know his father was in the hospital during because his mother wouldn’t call him. He went there, fixed the billing with the hospital, saw his father before he passed, forced his mother to go to hospital to visit - the hospital thought my FIL wasn’t married - bought groceries for his mother because there wasn’t any food in the house, arranged the funeral, etc. She was barely grateful. If we could have gotten her into assisted living, that would have been great. She thought the house was haunted & kept calling the police. They were going to take her in for a mental evaluation. Finally, 7 months later after I compiled a list of ALFs, she was forced to go. Her credit cards are canceled, she can’t leave, but she is getting the care she needs in a clean environment. DH was so angry, he didn’t want to deal w/her house. I cleaned it, found a contractor to cut the grass, an exterminator, someone to remove the bulky crap I couldn’t, and then arranged to have DH come down to have contractors come in and fix the house to sell. It took 8 months. The last 3 I didn’t have to do anything but DH had to close it out. He was happy. Less work for him. His mother is being cared for and does better with little interaction from us. She becomes angry if she sees or speaks or has any interaction with us, blaming us for her misery, which is all due to her mental state.
she thinks she could live in a place like in the movie “The Enchanted Cottage.” She was told that such a place doesn’t exist. She told me to find a small place with a middle aged woman to take care of her near us. I told her she couldn’t afford it and that she’d fire the person the first minute she saw them.
To yourself be true. Stick to your guns on what you need and if your mother spreads misery, tell her you are leaving or hanging up the phone and do it. When you stop helping, t he’ll need to find a solution and outside help will be the solution. Leave the name and number for the outside help in big letters where they can find it.
My MIL had to be tricked into going to the ALF, but she wasn’t going home or with us.
Make a list of the people in the family who might help and are reliable. In my case, it was none of my siblings, but some of my nieces and nephews, an uncle, a cousin, two great nieces. There might even be a non-blood “like relative” in the mix. A neighbor? Someone from their church or a long-time friend?
When you count these blessings, you will find you still have them, just maybe not where you expected.
Reach out to these supporters now “fact finding” to see whether some of them might step into your shoes if you need a break. To see whether some might help with an occasional doctors appointment or meal if you are unavailable. If anyone is willing, schedule a break for yourself. Make sure you express your gratitude.
If none of them are interested, schedule an agency to step into your shoes for at least a three day weekend and give yourself some time off from both the work and the worry.
Get your dad in detox. Don’t forget aftercare. He must stop drinking and stay sober or move out. Even nursing homes and assisted living facilities will reject him, leaving behavioral/psych homes as his only option if he can’t cooperate. Remove liquor and sugary foods from the house. Alcoholism turns a difficult situation into impossible. It turns a safe home into a risky and potentially deadly one.
Don’t despair. Many of us have been in similarly tricky situations. Things will get better. Don’t let their life and problems hijack your life.
You are there to help and assist. To watch over and regain a better relationship. To supervise their safety and well being.
Do what you can and do not extend yourself beyond your own limitations.
Hugs.
I believe there is one child that parents and siblings seem to hone in on. Like u said the "different" one. The more caring one, easy to make feel guilty, the one that needs the love more. The one that feels if they just do more or be the "good" child that Mom will love them. Look up Narcissist and see if Mom fits the profile. You may find ur siblings do too.
Bet you Mom ends up with an aide and a cleaning lady when ur not there to do everything.
Leave and go far away, at a distance that you won't be the fixer any longer. If you can't easily get distance from them physically, get some therapy and work on doing it mentally. Your parents need other long-term solutions and when you are shouldering all their grunt work, why would they look elsewhere...?
I don't mean to be all doom-and-gloom, and this is advice I couldn't take myself when surrounded by the daily, ongoing medical needs of my dad, and the hoarded (for 50 years) and deteriorated house, and with sympathy for my dad's cognitive limitations, etc., etc. I just kept plodding on. In hindsight, this is EXACTLY how one removes themselves from a no-win caregiving situation -- just. leave. Find your backbone and your self-worth. Call local APS or Dept on Aging and give them a heads up if your parent need daily care. And just leave.
I suggest you give them a list of local handy people, cleaning agencies, landscapers, etc. They know where to get help, sounds like, there's no Alz/dementia... but they won't look elsewhere while you're doing it all for them.
When they need help in their later years, you won't have the strength to do it if you keep going now. Make them be independent for as long as you can. It's what's best for them and you.
Before you go, explain to your mother that if she continues being stubborn about not allowing in homecare help, the state will take over and put them both in a care facility against whether they want to or not. They can and they do. Your family also needs to know this.
I've been an elderly caregiver for almost 25 years. I have worked for many elderly people who were managing well enough in their homes and who had family help who were put into care facilities because an overly zealous social worker or visiting nurse insists upon it and wants that company bonus. This happens all the time.
Show your family this post. If they think that will never happen with your parents, wait and see. Tell them to 'F-off' in the meantime. If they're not helping in any way with your parents' care, they don't get a say.
Move again, this time about another 2900 miles away.
Often what happens is there needs to be some catastrophe that will MAYBE motivate people into changing what is wrong. Your family has not reached this point. (sorta like an addict reaching rock bottom before they can work their way back up)
When that happens they can pay for the help that they need.
They obviously do not have your best at heart.
Please start the new year off by setting boundaries for yourself and for them.
Treat yourself with the love, respect and caring that you do for them. You will appreciate it, they don't
I hear New Zealand is nice.
Your family doesn't want to help with this care.
It has been a lot of time with them telling you that. I have to tell you I am cruel and selfish enough that I am in their camp. I would not want any part in this as well. I would not be bothering YOU, telling YOU what to do, but I would have walked away and stayed away, and would have told you as kindly as I could that I would not take part in physical care-taking for my parents.
You can't change your family. You can't change your parents.
That all brings us to the New Year starting gate for YOU.
What are YOU willing to do to reclaim your own life? Or will you choose another decade (at the least) with caregiving? If you do choose the latter I can promise you there will not be any reward in it. You will sacrifice your own life and there will be NO thanks for it.
I would suggest a therapist and a determination to comb through everything, realizing the therapist (if a good one) won't want to hear complaints about Mom and Dad for too long, nor complaints about the siblings and other family too much. The therapist, if a good one, will want to HELP YOU. YOU. YOU. To comb through this, to find a way to resign care whether that be placement of parents, guardianship of state for parents or a simple resign and move to France after telling family you won't be around, and they will have to do as they choose. Give your parents the numbers for APS and for the Council on Aging and for 911.
I know this all sounds so mean, and many consider me a bit of a mean person, but I have decided in this new year that I can no longer attempt to pussyfoot nicely about what I need people to hear from me. There just isn't world enough and time. dmarie, I think you already KNOW much of this. You come across as a very intelligent person. You are well spoken. You know in your heart your choices are to continue as you are, or to move away. I know you must fear guilt, but quite honestly guilt assumes that you can CHANGE this and you can't. It assumes you are a god or a fairy and you have some magic wand you can wave and everyone will be well behaved and helpful. You don't have that and it won't help enough.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I am so sorry you have gone through it so long, because the longer you are enmeshed in it the more difficult it is to extricate yourself; but you are now of an age where you may die before your parents. I am 80. My daughter (eldest) is 60. Is she now to sacrifice herself for the decade I may live (I am, unfortunately I sometimes think, fairly heathly; what if she is not?) for me? I hope to all that is good and just not. It is why I have worked and saved and maintained distance and independence, it is why the link between us now is love, not dependence. With all my heart I would hope she would walk away and save herself. I hope you will, as well. My heart goes out to you. And to your parents as well. You have ONE LIFE. You are not responsible for your parents; they were for YOU. You are to pay that love and caring forward for your OWN family, whether blood or friend-family.
Good luck. It's a new year. I hope you will consider all the advice you get here, sift it out to what will help YOU and leave the rest of it where most "good advice" goes to die.
Why are you paying any attention to what your family says (thinks, gossips, wants, etc.) when you KNOW that as long as you’re with Mom and Dad, THEY don’t have to do ANYTHING?
What will it take to remove yourself from a negative and dysfunctional situation that has entrapped you? You have PROVEN your willingness to take part absent their approval and WITH criticism and insult.
What will YOU need to do to take yourself out of this and make decisions on your parents’ safety and care, without depriving yourself of what YOU need?
Give yourself permission, then act. Seven years is enough. Whose turn is it now?
Have you considered leaving them alone to deal with their own problems?
I understand that you thought that it was the right thing todo, but no one should put up with abuse. From anyone.
How about you take a 2 week break and see how things change?
The only control you have in this situation is your behavior, helping or withdrawing that help.
The best advice of the New Year!
It applies to my most recent struggles when it comes to narcissists that came out of the woodwork this last holiday season.