My dad is incontinent but is in denial. Years ago he took a medication for it, but won’t follow up on treatment for it, and refuses to wear any sort of pad. When he soils himself, he thinks no one can see it and denies that it has happened, blames it on a spill or dishwater, etc.
He has a long history of manipulation and is very prideful….. I’m stuck. A few times he has done this in public or at my house, and then sit on my sofa.
Its so weird to me that he’d rather have everyone know he has peed his pants vs getting some help with it.
Feedback, anyone? Thanks.
Your profile says that your dad has dementia. If that is the case, it may be helpful for you to think of this as "broken brain syndrome". He can't logic this out anymore.
Consider replacing all of his regular underwear with Depends or Teva disposibles.
Do you accompany him to doctor appointments? You should bring this up to the doctor.
And buy Chux pads for your furniture!
If so replace ALL his regular underwear with the disposable pull up type.
Then he will have no choice, he would either wear that or go "commando"
If he is not living with you there really is not much you can do.
When friends stop inviting him to their house for fear that he will soil furniture, when you only allow him to sit on furniture that you have disposable or washable pads on, when people will no longer take him in their car, and they won't ride in his maybe then he will get the "hint". (I do hope he is not driving though)
If he is living on his own and had dementia he should be in Memory Care. At that point he would not have an option they would make sure he has disposable, absorbent briefs on.
He surely is either not completely aware or things every problem is a one-time accident.
Aging is hard for al of us to accept and this certainly must be very emotionally painful and embarrassing.
He wore animal print thong style underwear--so, absolutely no 'coverage' from that. Since this was my FIL, not my father, made it impossible to talk to him. The only thing I was able to do was get him full briefs, which helped a tiny bit.
I SHOULD have pushed DH to talk to his dad about this. But I didn't. Both of them were so embarrassed--well, shoot, I was the one cleaning up!
I did refuse to take him out to eat. That was my cut-off point--him messing his pants in a restaurant and sitting there acting like it was all fine. He passed away before we could really 'fix' this problem. I know for a proud man as he was, this was awful. I do feel like we let him down, in a way.
Though, realistically? I don't think he would have worn any kind of incontinence underwear, no matter how put out it made other people.
I have reviewed a number of books on this subject and resources from the Alzheimer's society. This book stands out for the following reasons: 1. Experience and contribution of the author to this field. 2.How to deal with the delicate yet serious subject. 3. Practical recommendation in day to day life of a caregiver, not just for dementia and 4. Caregiver's empowerment to deal with the issue as well as motivations for the caregiver to reach out for additional external assistance.
The burden of caregiving can put the caregiver at increased risk for significant health problems and many experience depression, high level of stress, or even burnout. Nearly all caregivers at some time experience sadness, anxiety, loneliness, and exhaustion. Seeking help and support along the way is not a luxury, it's a necessity.May you resolve the difficulty in the New Year.
This aspect of Physical and psychological difficulty is unfortunately a part of our aging.
please see if some suggestions from the book mentioned below helps you.
Best wishes.
So, better to make some changes that work while he visits in your home. You can put waterproof mattress pads on the sofa or chairs he sits in. You can even dye them to match the color of the chairs or sofa so it won't be as obvious. It would be better to put them on all the chairs so he doesn't feel singled out.
You can also get him pull-up type incontinence briefs that look and feel a lot like regular undergarments. My husband uses ones from Depends while he is in rehab from radical prostate surgery. Nobody can tell the difference and it helps male pride to preserve his dignity when he is at work or away from home.