My mom and I have never had a close relationship; she's lived a highly structured, suburban, bourgeois lifestyle, while I've been a kind of artist and bohemian with many different life experiences and having to adapt to many changes throughout the years. Now that she's on her own, living in her condo but showing some signs of cognitive decline and struggling to manage our family's estate (she's the executor), I feel compelled to come to her aid, but at the same time am experiencing significant pushback because she insists on dealing with these issues via 'old school' tech (by phone, by writing), while I try to point out that society's moved on whether we like it or not. I understand that she's frightened and intimidated by the online world, and at this point have no expectations of her joining it, but am often called up to 'fix' issues because she's confused and/or won't accept the world's moved on. All this has resulted in a lot of grief, conflict, anger and, for me, utter burnout. I just want to walk away from all this nonsense.
It sounds like the executor is no longer capable of being the executor. She will eventually mess things up.
This went on for about 6-8 weeks (?) She was just so overly grateful and so phony with her gratitude I would be grinding my teeth. She'd find an excuse to call me every Monday night (whereas she literally NEVER called me, for any reason).
I had major foot surgery 13 weeks ago. I arranged for my brother (with whom she LIVES) to take her to Bingo. And stepped out.
The surgery was big time--repairing a grade 4 broken ankle/foot. Did she so much as call me once to see if I had LIVED? Nope. I was of no use to her, so I am not on her radar. I am healing, but it's very slow and I will be into December before I can walk w/o pain, I imagine.
It would hurt, I guess, but she has NEVER been the one to instigate any kind of communication. Ever.
And, yeah, she drives me round the bend, but since she can't remember my phone number, she has to get someone to call for her--I never hear from her.
No guilt. Guilt is for when you've done something bad. I haven't. You haven't. Replace guilt with acceptance--it is what it is.
Unless you are actively trying to make mom's life awful---there's no need for guilt.
My therapist asked me once if I thought my mom had ANY 'guilt' about how she neglects ME and my sibs and I was quick to state that no, she really only cares about my youngest sister and her one friend (who drives her around).
When I read your question, my first thought was, "Did I write this question and have just forgotten???"
My 96 year old mom has lived with me for a little over a year. This is exactly what I deal with on a daily basis - I don't enjoy her company and often feel like a tightly wound spring ready to careen off the walls because of all the things I want to say to her but dare not. My fear is the guilt I will feel once she's gone. My driving force seems to be - don't do or say anything that I will feel guilty about later.
I have come to the conclusion that we have very different personalities. It can be the simplest thing that she says that sets me off. She definitly has narcissistic tendencies - she often says hurtful, mean things but won't acknowledge it. If I call her on it, she claims I'm just too sensitive. To be completely honest here...she is my mom and I will take care of her until I can't. However, I often don't like her.
I was in therapy for a few months to find a way to deal with her and not take everything so personally. If this is something you think could help, I would recommend it.
If it's just a personality clash, my only suggestion is to do what you can for your mom while still staying mentally healthy yourself without feeling guilty. It's not an easy journey, so find support for yourself.
To address your points, first off, I've got a therapist (of many years) and we are actively exploring the issue. As for your dad, not remembering his laptop password may be a blessing to you. If he did recall it, imagine the awkwardness that would ensure. Not a pretty picture.
As for my mom, I see her once a week for a few hours on Sunday, and so far, this seems to have worked well, but with the cognitive issues surfacing, I'm planning for change.
My life is my choice and it is polar opposite.
Now @ 85 with dementia and poor health I am her primary caregiver. I have learned to accept her life was her own and maybe she did the best she knew how. However I am much calmer and happier setting boundaries. Caregivers were hired and I take 1/2 day each week to be with her.
Less anxiety and stress for me. My sister and I share responsibilities but do a lot online ( meds, groceries, etc).
Take care of yourself and find peace and serenity. Enjoy your life!
Is her 'life her own'? Absolutely. Did she 'do her best' often difficult circumstances while my dad was still alive? I'm convinced of that. Are boundaries needed now that we're 'in close quarters' than having been so for many years? Again, no argument there.
Since I don't have any siblings who could, at least to some extent, pick up the slack in terms of caregiving, an outside caregiver sounds like a great idea - and could lower stress and anxiety levels.
Thanks for your support and suggestions!
To be clear, I'm NOT insisting she makes any changes in the way she deals with the world. Phoning and writing are not the issue here; it's my concern over what seems declining cognitive ability and some already evident confusion and mistakes. Office assistance sounds like another great idea that I'll look into.
It seems to me that you and your mom just have different ways of dealing with things. And now that you’re in a position to be responsible for her this is causing some friction. Which is totally understandable. But I think it has less to do with how your mom chooses to do things and more so related to your relationship with her.
Thats not a judgment. Your description of the significant differences between you and your mother seems to show a little contempt for her preferences. Highly-structured and bourgeois is a pretty vibrant depiction and I would argue not a sympathetic one. Which is also not a judgment, just an observation. Folks here have varied types of relationships with their families for varied reasons. So I’m not here to question the reason why. I mention it because I think the way you view your mother has a direct impact on your own stamina and well being.
so I feel compelled to recommend a therapist for you to discuss how to move past the issues with your mother to improve your experience in helping her. Because it’s only going to get more difficult.
And the 'contempt for her preferences' has more to do with her attitudes towards the world of the less fortunate and her lack of empathy for their struggles than anything else - including my own. To be fair, she mostly means well and is caring and generous on a number of other levels, so I'm talking about my ambivalence of feelings toward her.
As for your comment about a therapist, I already have had a good one for several years and am actively working through the issues pertaining to my caregiving for my mom. But in any case, you've touched on a number of important issues.
Seems to me, time for Mom to give up her Executorship. A lawyer could be put in charge? A bank? A CPA? And it should be done while Mom can sign the responsibility over.
Then you can continue the way you were. But if Mom is in early the early stage of Dememtia, she should not be alone. Its a desease that is very unpredictable, you never know what they are going to do. May want to consider an nice Assisted Living at this point. Most of her needs will be met. Your responsibility would be if she needed toiletries, clothes and Depends if she wears/needs them.
As far as the fixing issue pertaining to 'low-risk' issues, I've decided to 'take my foot off the gas' and let her continue to use her own skill set (as you put it 'low risk, consequences are hers) for these. That would involve the offering of choices, as you put it.
As for an intermediate, there's the rub. Not quite sure how to go about finding this person, but as you, put it, the benefits are myriad – including stress on both sides.
Getting a diagnosis would be very helpful, but I've broached the subject and she's not going down that road. So I'm not sure what to do next on this.
Your own frustration with dealing with your mom's decline comes through loud and clear, so you obviously know what I dealing with. I'm not trying to paint my mom as the 'bad guy'; just expressing my frustration in dealing with the situation. And as you've also pointed out, given the complexities of the estate and my limited understanding, I'm concerned about the 'giant mess' that may well unfold. Since that responsibility will fall on me, I'm trying to understand and organize as much of this as possible before it falls entirely into my hands.
Your suggestion of consulting an elder care attorney and going over the POA in detail to clarify family estate matters is a good one. Thanks!
What's wrong with her using the phone and writing letters? Nothing whatsoever
Take as your starting point that your mother is right. And so am I. There are two people here who have needs, and no one person is entitled to dominate that reality. I recognize my mom's right to deal with things in her own way, but also my right to protest when I'm called up to 'problem solve.'.
Meanwhile, I'd be surprised if none of her contemporaries are silver surfers - don't any of her friends have iPads or similar? Are there any courses for seniors locally? If you'd like her to start making use of technology, introduce her through the fun side first. A few do have devices, in fact. And she's taken computer classes in the past, but is definitely beyond that capability now, unfortunately. If only it were that easy.
It will be a process of 'letting go' for her. In her own time.
But here are some suggestions. Examine each type of thing that comes up that needs fixing by you.
What level of importance is it? What are the risks? The consequences?
Eg she calls a store to deliver new clothing items & they won't post until she posts them a cheque. Could be ordered online in 5 mins but she can't do tech - so let her wait a month for her items. (Low risk. Consequences are hers).
For high risk issues (family estate) I would get an intermediate. It's amazing how folk listen to a 'professional'... The benefits will be in triplicate: 1. Mom will be consulted, respected, still feel in charge. 2. The matter is worked out with a professional. 3. Your stress over the issue will reduce.
Plus the added bonus of improving your relationship with Mom - instead of butting heads.
(In my family we got an intermediate trustee which has done all this with great success).
Think of it as instead of telling her how to do things a new way - offer her choices. Then instead of you 'fixing' each of her problems - point out solutions & again options for her to choose from.
Many times, we all (whether children, elder or adult with disabilities) want someone to help US to do something - not just take it over/take it from us.
As Alzheimer's is progressive, & most Dementias (vascular can stay stable for a length of time) it may be useful to have a diagnoses, although sometimes not. Also some elders will never agree.
If Mom has a trusted Doctor, is it possible she would consent to a Neurologist & neuro exam? That would highlight if she should be still at the helm of the financial matters. But having that or not - the result is really the same. An intermediate will be useful & getting the legal papers in order for the future is needed.
Hope this gives you a few ideas.
Take as your starting point the position that your mother is right. Unless she's dealing in Bitcoin or something I can't offhand think of any admin task she can't continue as she always has. Sure, government departments and large business are all moving on line but the traditional channels are still functioning perfectly well. If you run into jobsworths and "computer says no" people wanting to contact your mother, back her up. They can write, or they can phone. They're the ones who are being set in their ways if they refuse.
Meanwhile, I'd be surprised if none of her contemporaries are silver surfers - don't any of her friends have iPads or similar? Are there any courses for seniors locally? If you'd like her to start making use of technology, introduce her through the fun side first.
Any 'child' of a parent with dementia wants to walk away sometimes because the anger, frustration, grief and conflict we feel is very, very real. I feel it myself with my own mother who suffers from dementia. Just last night she called me asking for my son's phone number. We've gone over this topic 1000x. I've typed up the family phone numbers in huge font and taped them to her dry erase board in her suite at the Memory Care ALF. Many times. Last night she insisted one of the caregivers 'pulled the paper down and tore it up into tiny pieces and threw it in the garbage.' Which we all know didn't happen. So I told her to get a piece of paper and a pen, which she wasn't able to do (this exact thing has happened no less than 100x in the past). By the time I ended the conversation with her, I felt like I needed a bottle of wine and an edible. I know it's 'not her fault' and all the rest of the verbiage, but sometimes it's all too much. She really shouldn't have a phone in her suite at all, but it's her last line of communication to the family (when she's able to use it) so I can't and won't take it away from her.
So, like cxmoody wisely said, schedule a day a week (or whatever) that you will go over and help your mother with whatever she needs help with. On her terms, with paper and pen, the telephone, or on your computer without her help. When I took over paying my parents' bills and took over their checkbook back in 2013, I did things MY way and they weren't even aware of 'how'. Worked out just fine, too. Now I manage my mother's entire life and she's 100% clueless of the mechanisms behind it, which is fine by me. She could have a dollar or a million dollars, she has no idea. The entire burden of her finances is on me.
I feel compelled to say to you that your mother probably won't be able to live alone for much longer, once her cognitive impairment declines a bit more. This is just the beginning of the giant mess that unfolds when a parent develops dementia and is stubborn and lives alone. It may be a good idea for you to speak to an Elder Care attorney to get some advice about the future, about getting POA for her, and just getting family estate matters discussed. If mom is struggling with these matters as the executor (shudder), she can wind up fouling up the finances entirely!!! The EC attorney may be able to guide you accordingly.
Wishing you the best of luck with everything you have on your plate.
She NEVER liked me, and let me know it. Still doesn’t, but I am the only one who visits.
Perhaps, scheduling a “technology/bill paying/doctor/yard work appt time” (different challenges for each of us, here) per week would limit the frequency of expectations put on you.
It would assure her that she will be getting help on Tuesday evenings, for example, and help you to know that you won’t be called you over and over through the week. 😎