My mother shows blatant favoritism towards my sister and snaps at me consistently. My mom and I, we don’t share the same values. We used to but I have evolved and see life through a different lens while she remains the same. She is extremely negative and full of victim mentality. She has double standards, my sister can say or do something that she doesn’t like, but if I dare do the same she will holler and dismiss me. I continue to show love as much as possible but I prefer to disconnect and distance myself to avoid being disrespectful to her. I do love her and intend to be there for her when she really needs me.
As a child when my Mother yelled at me I yelled right back. I have siblings that were more gentle & introverted though. Their style was & still is to avoid conflict. (We all have our ways).
In a calm moment you could explain to your Mother how hollering upsets you - but my guess is at 86, she will be set in her ways. Disconnecting as you said may be your best bet.
Distance.. hmm can you add more of that?
You can honor a parent by making sure they are cared for , it does not mean you have to be the person to take care of them . Caring for a parent like this can be done by hiring help or placing them in a facility . Never use your own money. Use your mother’s money or get Medicaid for her care when she qualifies . No one should ever live with their abuser . You should not live with your mother . I’m sorry to see that she is already living in your home . With Alzheimers /dementia her behavior towards you will mostly likely get worse .
You need to protect yourself first ( put your oxygen mask on ) before you will be
able to help others. Many caregivers don’t “ put their oxygen mask on first “ as they try to honor their abusive parent and end up , physically ill, mentally ill, quit jobs , go broke , ruin marriages etc .
An abuser should never be your number one priority in your life. God would not want you to be abused .
Can arrangements be made so she can live in your sisters home? (I bet the table will turn and she will begin snapping at your sister and not so much at you)
You can not "disconnect and distance yourself" enough if she is living in your home.
Do you have caregivers come in while you are at work?
Is mom involved in an Adult Day Program? It might be a good idea. It would get her out of the house and engaged with other people and activities.
I am caring for my mother Charlene, who is 86 years old, living in my home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, and sleep disorder.
About Me
I am a retirement-eligible Federal service employee and intend to continue working for 4-5 more year, currently married for 27 years, have two adult wonderful self-sufficient sons, and one fur-baby (4 year old dog-Simba). I have a complicated relationship with my 86 year old toxic mother who does not like me and emotionally abuses me but I will honor her as the Bible commands by placing respectful boundaries.
The bible does not command you house your mother with dementia as there are many ways to "honor" and respect a parent. Make other arrangements for her, especially if you are leaving her alone at home while working full time. It's not safe to do that with an elder suffering from dementia, nor is it reasonable to expect her to change her attitude now, with a broken brain preventing it.
Good luck.
I always tell people that when you can ACCEPT your parents' limitations, when you can treat them with humor instead of arguing, leave and return as you like, protect yourself, and understand THIS IS THE PARENT YOU GOT, then you will know you are well. Most people never get the movie version of parenthood.
Someone yesterday said that her mom would lie in bed saying with the martyred tones of Sainthood "Oh, all right then..... I will just lie here and die". It made her furious and she was arguing.
When the day comes she can laugh and say "Oh, Geez, Mom. I HOPE not. Because I would miss you more than I can say. Love you. Gotta run. See you in a couple of days", and then happily move on into her day? Well that's the day she can know she is cured.
The weather changes. We humans? Not so much. She's who she is and you are who you are. Limit your visits. Tell her, when she brags on Sis, that she's SO RIGHT. That sister of mine is just a "Saint". Tell her that when you grow up you are going to endeavor to be just LIKE sister".
My advice? Have fun with it. Because the other option of constantly suffering? Well, like I said, no one's fond of a martyr.
I wish you the best. You have all the tools you need and you're clearly bright. I think you got this when you decide to move on. You have ALREADY allowed yourself to evolve into your own person. That's a huge move that many never make. Best to you.
That fraze "honor your mother and father" really does not apply to parents who abuse their children. What ur Mom is doing us a form of abuse. No child should care for an abusive parent. Respect goes both ways. So continue to do what you are doing for your own sanity. You may want to read "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud, its Christian based.
PS, I did not realize Mom lived with you. You should not be tge one caring for her. Make other arrangements.
You can be there for her without her living with you.