After yesterday I sure know what NOT to do. My mom had major surgery yesterday, a colostomy and debrinement of the infected pressure ulcer on her hip. My brother came up on Monday (he lives 4 hours away) to "help" us. He wanted to make all the decisions and have us deal with the consequences. He strongly was against the colostomy. He never changed her diaper, I do, I see all the fecal matter inside, sometimes outside. In the hospital, they saw feces on her bandage. That's the first strike. The anethesiologist called me to explain the risks, and they might have to intubate her for an unspecified period of time. He was just protecting himself should something go wrong. I stupidity let him talk to my brother and he was bringing up an advanced directive that I never sent in. I had to call him back to let him proceed. Then my brother went absolutely nuts on me. He wanted us to pull my mom out of the hospital when she was in pre-op. She was in the best cardiac hospital in the area. My brother kept shouting at me, "listen to me, you don't listen". My first mistake was doing what he asked and taking him to the liquor store on the way home from an early visit to see my mom. My second grevious error was letting him talk to the anethesiologist in the first place. Luckily, the surgery went well. I had to lock myself in my car to get away from him during the surgery. He almost polished off a full 1.75 liter bottle of vodka, in one day! Round 2 is coming up soon. He insists mom not go to rehab. His brilliant idea is a fentalyn patch and a shorter walker. I don't know at this point when she will be able to stand, or transfer to the wheelchair or bed. My mom is going to take a long time to heal, a shorter walker won't help. As to the fentanyl patch, she is in CHF with an unstable BP, hypoxia at times. It will kill her for sure. I'm not ready to take her back, I don't know what equipment I'll need, how to change her bag, none of those things. He left this morning and things magically fell into place. I talked to the discharge planner and asked if she could facilitate getting mom's rehab in the nursing home my niece works at. VH has a rehab unit, it's closer, my niece will be working on another floor so no conflicts. We won't be allowed to see my mom for 14 days due to Covid restrictions. It would be great to have my nieces eyes on her, possibly even to visit during the quarantine period. A Dr walked in and saw she wasn't eating. He gave us permission (more of a recommendation) to bring her anything she wants to eat. My 2 hardest problems as a caregiver were drawing out of her what she wanted to eat, and her spending all her energy messing with her depends. Thanks for listening to my tale of woe. After a few nights of rest, I feel recharged (my brother got me at at 4:30 to talk before he left). Right now I feel great, ready and raring the face the challenging times ahead.
I joined this forum just to respond to your post. It hit close to home for me. When there is addiction there WILL be chaos. I realized recently that I have to limit association with my brother unless totally necessary. I have had peace ever since. I told him he has drinking problem and it has gotten worse. Apparently those were the magic words to keep him from harrassing. I feel free. We can deal with my father separately. He turned out to be more of a problem than father is. I wish you the best .
Have you read "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud? You need to get hold of it asap.
Your brother sounds mentally ill.
Now, I don’t know your brother, but it definitely sounds like the fear and the liquor talking. You can give yourself a good ol’ pat on the back that despite your OWN fears, you tried to make the best decisions possible for what she actually needs. Good on ya!
Remember these learning moments for next time, because with a mother with failing health, there WILL be a next time. Don’t get swept up in his fears, and DEFINITELY don’t stop at the liquor store!