My mom has lost 3 good friends in the last two years and is experiencing a great deal of loneliness and depression. I am an only child and she leans on me to fill the void, but we've always had a complicated relationship, and I can't be what her life-long friends were to her.
My MIL is in LTC in a great facility. Staff come in and out of her room all day long and she jokes and chats with them. They take her out to activities and events. This is way more than what she'd get cloistered inside our home.
Seniors don't like change and both my Aunts and MIL were very resistant at first. Then they loved it.
Your profile says one (or both?) of them have hearing loss. If they don't have hearing aids (or won't wear them) this in itself will keep them more isolated if they can't even hear what is going on around them. I insisted (demanded) that my 94-yr old Mom have her hearing tested because I was tired of yelling every conversation. I walk next door to her house every morning and make her wear them. It makes a huge difference in all social interactions.
Also I'm sure her church(if she goes to one)has different things going on for their seniors as well. And make sure she's being treated for her depression and perhaps even going to a Grief Share support group.
Or have her move into an assisted living facility where she will be around other folks her age and have lots of opportunities to do different activities.
If she chooses not to do any of the above, well that is on her not you, as you cannot and should not be her entertainment committee.
I am uncertain how much discussion she had done with you. But some folks don't require "friends" and in fact don't want a lot of people, are content in our own way with our own activities day to day.
It is up to you not to feel the need to fulfill a role that simply isn't yours. Don't take it on. We aren't responsible for the loneliness of others.
At her age, she's going to see more friends and family die than anything else. My mother saw all of her 7 siblings die off leaving her the last man standing. She lived to 95 and that's what happens with extreme old age.
My mother thrived in Senior Independent Living, along with dad, until I had to move both of them into Assisted Living when mom was 87 and dad was 90. Dad died a year later and thank God mom was living in AL.....the ladies scooped her up and brought her back into the fold. Now she was a widow, like they were, and she continued to thrive. As an only child myself, mom would've expected ME to be her entertainment committee had she lived alone in a house! 😐
With your mother being 86, she's "ready" for senior living at ANY time, where there's activities galore and lots of folks to interact with. What you don't want is to have a crisis on your hands and them being FORCED into AL after a broken hip or accident of some kind. She may just decide that new things and new people are good after all. And if not, at least it's THERE for her to utilize which lets you off the hook for being her BFF 24/7.
Good luck to you.
I applaud you for caring, but it’s not your problem to solve. Gently steer mom toward her own personal growth so that she’ll develop coping skills instead of ending up being a responsibility that you can’t shake. If that happens, you’ll be very sorry that you allowed it.
Who can handle meeting new people when they are ill, have broken something, or are otherwise incapacitated?
Better off moving now, when they can meet people when they are vertical. :-)
“They aren't quite ready for assisted living”. Why not? “She doesn't always like 'new' things or new people”. So what? Parents will opt for children in attendance about 90% of the time. No need to make any effort themselves, ‘family’ providing the help means they are still independent (in their own minds), and it’s free. The only down side is that the ‘care’ creeps up and eventually ruins their children’s lives.
At a minimum, don’t go around every day, except to take them to a day care activity center. If daily visits are filling in your own needs, you need to find new things yourself. Otherwise you are quite likely to end up in a worse position than your parents, when you need help yourself, and there isn't a 'you' to fill in the gaps.
Since I'm a lifelong introvert, I may not be experiencing loneliness in the same way OP's mom is. It's important to recognize that our adult kids work and have busy lives of their own. I did, too, in my 60s-70s.
You could offer to go to the first meeting with her if you want to help her feel comfortable.
As far as missing people, we will all miss people who are no longer in our lives.
In our community there are senior centers that have many activities. There are senior groups at churches. Lots of opportunities for seniors to volunteer. Some of the best volunteers at our WW11 museum are the older veterans.
You can’t be with your mom all the time. I’m sure she appreciates that you call to check in on a regular basis.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
I think Dad and I have convinced her to talk to our pastor. We'll see.
You can not be her entertainment . Many of us have made that mistake and ended up being their servants and propping up a false independence .
Can you talk to Dad about going to independent living facility , where they could both make friends ? Or if they could use alittle more help , assisted living ?
Maybe he could get Mom to go .
If you could start reading some of her posts* to your parents, I think they would be sold on moving. Peggy often writes about "the home" and what daily life there is like. They are never bored, that is for sure. My dad's friend moved to the same one. His first call to dad after moving was, "You have to come visit me. We have seven first class restaurants here!"
Now, I know this one is pricey, and as they say, you get what you pay for, but I think the same level of social interaction can be found in less expensive places as well.
*Mike Rowe also posts videos of his chats with his mom. Just be warned that if your parents don't like anything with a hint of being off-color, they might be bothered by the videos. You can kind of censor her FB posts as you read them if you need to, but you can't do that with the videos. The title of her most recent book is, "Vacuuming in the Nude (and other ways to get attention)" -- that gives you an idea of her humor style.
I suggest they volunteer somewhere so they are doing something useful to help leave the world a better place.
Or they could do what my parents and those in their senior commumity do and spend their weekends gambling and making the casinos rich.
It is my issue to solve, not anyone else's. I keep real busy, volunteering and make new friends doing this, we are not alone as many of them have lost their friends and family as well.
Sounds like she has opportunities that she is not taking, condo's in Florida always have something to do...if you want to participate.
My mother’s friends all died before she did. My dad employed a series of paid companions to take mom to lunch, doctor, shopping, movies. It was pricey but dad didn’t want to be caught up in mom’s unending cycle of doctors and other old age miseries so he considered it money well spent.
She is an unfriendly person and is not interested in NEW friends, or in any friends or acquaintances at all. Hates all her neighbors.
She expects, and receives 100% of her need for attention from her kids, who are all Sr citizens themselves. One of them has to visit her every single day.
This is an incredibly huge burden on the 'kids'. I am just an inlaw with no voice, so I just sit back and watch the trainwreck.
She has refused every single offer of Sr Centers, ALF's, setting up short visits with the few family she has left. Basically, you can't force her to do or go anywhere.
My mom had her issues she dealt with--but she had a ton of friends. She reached out of her comfort zone and MADE friends. She outlived all but one close friend. She never once complained that she was lonely and she sure didn't expect us kids to fill in the blanks.
What I wonder about in the upcoming situation is why I would have to feel alone when there are many people around. Younger friends are not a horrible idea. I guess I see it this way because ALL of my students were younger. I enjoy staying in touch with them, as our interests match really well and I understand what they are up to. There are a few who seem to want to be friends with me, so that is accepted.
Another good idea: Where my grandmother was in nursing home there was a childcare facility next door and the caregivers would take the elders over to be with the children for a little while every day, giving a sense of how life renews and goes on. Comforting and really fun.
I notice they say they’re guidestar endorsed, and guide star is pretty strict about whom they endorse, though you should verify that independently.
This phrase is so, so often the beginning of posts here. And almost every time, my first thought is, “well, WHY?” Truly, why “deal” with something that is not really fixable? It is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
I fully expect to have issues like this as I grow old myself, and the very last thing I want to do is expect my children to solve them for me.
When my friends start dying off, well, sad and all, but I’ll be damned if I start getting clingy to my grown children, who have their own lives!
But…maybe I will get lucky, and conk out before I become a burdensome bore!