They live in MN; I in MO. I am 77, live alone (my choice), friends either died or moved; have no family except those mentioned above. Sis was hateful, liar, classic narcissist; I her victim for 77 years. They didn't know I could hear them but sis told mom she hated me since she was told I was expected--a statement one never forgets. Nephew's wife (J) called recently. Hateful, intimidating, yelling & threatening, humiliating, etc, worse than any man I ever heard, that I was to have NO contact with her children in any manner under ANY circumstances. J is also narcissistic picked up from sis who liked J because she did what sis wanted. J hates me, I think, because sis hated me and told lots of lies of things I did(n't) do to sis that J believes. For reason I haven't determined J thinks I am going to contaminate children (in their 20s). She is violating their legal rights to contact whomever they choose. And she is isolating me from family. I spent Christmases and other occasions with them until they were about preteen when they each got cell phones but I was never permitted to have phone #s or emails so I could contact them. Nephew says children don't know me. I wonder why? Sis, nephew and J isolated them from me. I saw them last about 6 years ago which was the last time I was able to drive the ten hours to visit them (only mode of transportation). I can't drive more than 20 miles one way anymore due to fibromyalgia. J doesn't believe me and says driving to MN is the only way I can contact children. I can't sleep for thinking of situation especially when in severe pain. I also have diabetes. I'm seeing therapist but not helping much. I am totally isolated from only family. Have no immediate friends and severe fibro does not allow me to go out to get-togethers, meetings, etc. Don't have the stamina. Should I seek counsel? If so, in MN, origination of call, or in MO my residence. Help. I need some ideas please.
You do not indicate what has happened in the past that has caused J to fly into such a rage regarding your contact with her children, but something has. The children are of legal age and if they truly wanted to contact you, they could defy their mother and do so. Perhaps you should accept that although you are related to these people, they are not the “family” you claim they are. You could not possibly expect that you could ever have anything close to a warm, familial relationship with them. Why is it so all-consumingly important to you to contact these young adults who obviously do not share your wish for this contact? All contact between you and them should cease. This is a toxic situation that should not be continued. Speak with your therapist about why you feel the need to maintain contact with them. I fear if you try to maintain contact with them, you will be the one who finds himself in court for harassment.
As for your fibromyalgia, I also suffer with it. There are medications to ease the symptoms. The pain is always there, but it is episodic and on the good days, I find it easier to enjoy life. If you find it so crippling, you may want to speak with your doctor.
As far as crime is concerned psychological/emotional abuse of elder IS a federal/state crime. Check "elder abuse" on internet. Its criminality is all over internet sites. It includes isolation of elders, verbal abuse, withholding emotional support, harassment, humiliation, etc. There IS a crime here. I am being isolated from my only family. Proof is not necessary as long as victim is considered credible. Sorry to burst your bubble, but you appear to be the type of person the government is trying to educate about abuse other than physical and financial abuse. But your comment of being "done" with the family as a unit has validity. The children I'm not so sure about. I don't think they know about the narcissism in the family.
Re: fibro, I am one of the people who cannot tolerate medications. I also have diabetes (the two conditions are linked). Google fibromyalgia AND diabetes to go to scholar section. I can only take Tylenol and Tylenol with codeine for pain and insulin for diabetes. All other medications in all other categories (i.e., muscle relaxants, sleep aids including melatonin, etc.) I cannot take due to allergies/sensitivities. I see my doctor quarterly but there is not much he can do for me. I have other medical conditions also. It is not that simple. Oh, how I wish it were.
Thanks again for taking time to respond.
It would really not hurt me to forget adults but children will be difficult especially great-nephew who is also godson. I did not grow up in the god-parent theory but I took a pledge and will honor that pledge. Besides he is the only one who seems to have the right personality and temperament to understand. His sisters are too much like their mother.
Thanks again for your input and taking the time to write.
OP, sometimes your actual blood relation family leaves you wanting. So you put that in the trash bin. Memories. Whatever. Because as long as you continue to carry those feelings, you are a prisoner of them. Few people can live up to our expectations. Not saying anything extraordinary. Just 8n decent everyday behavior. I am constantly horrified. But that's society now.
Get involved with your church if so inclined,your library, which might tell you about other groups.
Sometimes, you have to let go, just to free yourself,because you are never going to change the others.but you can change your expectation. That, and that alone, is within your control. Stick around. You matter.
I understand about your health problems. My friend goes to therapy where there is a pool. She says it helps her fibro so much.
I have thought about senior living but don't have stamina for social activities which is only difference from independent living. Also have dietary restrictions which many facilities do not accommodate I'm told. Also pets (cats). I'll think a while longer and maybe change my mind or health will change my mind for me. I love my great-nephew and great-nieces so much I hate to cut them off but their mother did that for them. I think both nephew and wife are narcissistic following sis's lifestyle. Too bad. They were nice when they were younger.
Thanks again for taking time to write. You don't know how much you have helped.
I volunteer as a cat cuddler years ago when I wasn't able to do anything physical. It was only 4hrs a week because that was all I could do:)
For years my heart broke as I was aunt to those 5 girls and yes, godmother to one.
But it is what is is. My mother passed in 2013, evil brother himself in 2014 (from congenital heart disease, cardiomyopathy). Years ago my brother got angry with my mom & other brother for reasons unknown but also in line with evil brother’s history of alienating everyone in his life anyway. He never had any friends as eventually those friends weren’t willing to deal with his inherent meanness. As he grew older my oldest brother became sort of a tyrant and manipulated his immediate family (his long suppressed wife & 5 girls) just because he could...Again, IMO, he had a true evil and dark heart.
I let that go. Those “kids” are adults now & children no longer. They are parents themselves. I thought that *maybe* since evil brother died we could perhaps rekindle the past as I too spent many Christmases & every other major holiday with them from their births u til about age 18 for the oldest.
Nope...not to be. I hope you let go of re-creating what was once there because it’s not. Those kids won’t call you. Just let it go. I did years ago. They know where I am if they want to connect but I am *surely* not taking any initiative as I tried for years and quite frankly I am over trying to figure them out. And am fine with my decision (I am 61).
You do sound lonely. As others suggested, branch out a bit....volunteer at a animal shelter - they will work with your limitations. Fibromyalgia is chronic but exercise is good for all as tolerated. You can groom cats at the shelter or take calls there or something.
Respectfully, make a list of things you CAN do and focus on those. Church. Library. You love cats? Foster one or two. Join a local senior center and make a goal to go at least once a month. You never know! But leave all the family baggage at the door. Give your affection to that which will appreciate it.
Let the past stay there. Those “kids” aren’t “kids” anymore....they are gone. Their lives are probably so busy as these days no one has much time left to socialize.
Your happiness is up to you. Don’t choose to let this get you down anymore. Peace to you as you move forward...
Also, I am changing my diet to get lots of FIBER and that is helping too. So we all know what that means: WHOLE grains, not white flour or sugar. Lots of FRESH fruis and veggies, not canned. And some nuts and seeds every day (watch the salt!)
A good bowl of oats for breakfast with raisins, walnuts and banana. Or blueberries, raspberries and sliced almonds, yum! A big salad for lunch with garbazos, sunflower seeds, grapes, chopped apple, and dates. Beans and rice or the like for dinner. I have lost 6 lbs already and feel much better!
Fruits, grains, vegetables and nuts! The diet from the Garden of Eden!
To be quite frank, if you were saying these things to me, I wouldn't want my children to be subjected to this either. It is not loving or kind. Who wants a relationship that is forced by law.
You chose to move to a different state, you choose not to have group activities, preferring one on one, you get to make your own decisions about how and who you will interact with, why are you angry because they are doing the exact same thing?
Find something that will help you get rid of all the self serving negativity. It is only pushing people away. Life's a b!tch sometimes, but we find our own joy and pray that others do as well, we don't force ourselves on family and then blame their personalities for it not turning out well.
I didn't want anything to do with any family members that talked crap about my parents, I knew what they were, but they were my parents and I wasn't going to friend anyone that treated them shabbily.
Just saying.
To answer your question, how do I deal....leave them alone.