How do I deal with this?
Hi there! I'm new to these forums and am so glad to have found this place and have a community that understands. My elderly mother has been living with me for the last 10 years. Over the past 20 years she's had a heart problem and a whole host of other ailments, but the real problem began around 3 years ago. Her health went down rapidly, she lost her hearing and became more dependent on me. Over the last 10 years I more or less put my life on hold to care for her since she and my dad separated. It was pretty tough, juggling between both their emotions and inevitably being the scapegoat for both. I'm 34 right now, and most of the last decade was spent working outside, at home, and spending all the time possible with mum. I didn't get much time to date since I couldn't concentrate much on a relationship. I met a wonderful man a couple of years ago. We got to know each other and he wanted to marry me despite the situation with mum. So we got married almost 3 months ago. He's been really understanding of mum and treats her better than most of my extended family - he surprises her with little gifts, tries to keep her happy and doesn't take offense when she is moody or throws tantrums. But the whole thing is taking a toll on me. I'm finding it really hard to balance out time with my husband and my mother. She's not confined to a bed and she's relatively independent. But she's lost her hearing and has become quite frail. My husband and I have our own business and work from home so that we can care for her better. But it somehow isn't enough. I find that I'm juggling too many things - I cook, clean and take care of general chores. I also need to work since ours is a joint business. I need to give my husband and my marriage enough time, and at the same time make sure that mum doesn't feel neglected. There's literally no time for myself and it's getting to me. My husband sees that I'm burned out but there's nothing much he's able to do because he doesn't know how to cope either. I've reached a point of emotional numbness and I don't know how to cope.What do I do?
Second, RESPITE. Look ways that you two can get away, even for one weekend day every three weeks. Call your local Area Agency on Aging and see what resources they have. And start checking out Assisted Living facilities.
maybe church member, college student to come in and keep your mother
occupied for a few hours a couple times a week? Check with your county or city
services. They may have volunteers that visit seniors.
Which of these things doesn't really require your personal attention?
1) Well, no one else can nurture your marriage! Can't delegate that!
2) Plenty of people could dust your shelves and clean your toilets and mop the kitchen. Housecleaning is always a good candidate for delegation.
3) Do you love to cook? Then hang on to that task. Otherwise, consider more take-out, frozen dinners, and other shortcuts.
4) Mom thinks only you can care for her and give her attention. That simply isn't true. She doesn't want to go to a Day Program once a week. She doesn't want visitors. Didn't she teach you as a child that you can't always have what you want? Seriously, you are contributing a lot to her welfare and it isn't always comfortable for you. She needs to contribute too, even if it makes her uncomfortable.
5) Can she be left alone for hours at a time? Working from home is awesome -- I did it while caregiving -- but you still need to get away, alone and with your husband. Attend to her safety with devices like a medic alert system, and go on out if that is reasonably safe.
6) You have a sister who is willing to have Mom visit periodically? Then off Mom goes. See "you can't always have what you want" above. This assumes Sister isn't abusive or toxic in some way. Just because Mom wants only you doesn't mean that has to be the plan for the rest of her life!
Many of these remedies cost money. Mom should be paying her own way to the extent possible. What is her financial situation?
The main message here is that Mom cannot be allowed to dictate your actions. If the poor dear is suffering from anxiety and/or depression, those are treatable.