How do I do the right thing?

Wish you success with findimg a palce for your mom

You are young. My husband and I are 63. Time flies by. You are right to want to work and save more income for your own future. Do what you are comfortable with. If you want to rent a place, so be it. Not everyone has to buy. It’s a big responsibility.

We built our home years ago. Prices in our area have gone up significantly. We wouldn’t be able to build or buy a house now in this area if we had waited. Yes, taxes and upkeep is expensive too.

You deserve time for yourselves. It begins to take a toll on caregiver and a marriage. I have been caring for my mother since 2005 in my home. Please avoid losing yourself like I did. I am now looking into AL for my mom. Not sure how everything will work out but at least I am inquiring at this point what options are available. Best of luck to you.

Have you considered to what extent you’re going to be involved in dad’s care when he begins to decline? I think it’s important that you consider this thoroughly right now as it seems that you are already having trouble setting limits. Partly because you’re not clear on what limits you need to put in place.

It very well may be that your dad is more cognizant of his declining abilities so he’s finding a way to keep you close at hand.

I can kind of see his point if his house is large enough to accommodate you and your husband comfortably.

I live with my mother and I am able to get my own privacy in my bedroom though I would not be comfortable with this arrangement if I were not single.

She is 93 and fairly independent but not to the extent of your dad.

We say the arrangement is that I provide personal care for her in lieu of rent. She owns the house outright so she pays the bills and the repairs and half the groceries.

However, I am committed to taking care of her until such time as she needs extensive medical care as I have no training for that.

The thing is is that there’s no way of knowing if your dad can accept the terms of your limits and it is true that you need to nurture your marriage first and foremost.

There are cases on here of elder parents outright sabotaging their caretakers home life out of jealousy and insecurities as they progress into mental decline.

In my case, I’m fully aware that I have not been ensuring my own future since I’ve not held a job with benefits or contributed to my social security staying here with mom these last ten years and who knows how much longer.

That’s exactly my point though, we just don’t know what the future will bring.

You and your husband should decide together how involved in dad’s care because you can count on his health getting worse. then try to implement measures to make it happen within your boundaries. That way you’ll feel better because you’ve planned for everyone’s best interests.

Charlotte

I am a Power of Attorney to a husband and wife. Both have problems but the wife was the one with major mental issues. It became obvious very quickly that the husband could N O T properly care for her because if they stayed under the same roof, he would have been destroyed by her needs and behavior and she also needed care. I finally put her into a nursing home where she is well cared for. He at last has peace in his home and can live life to the fullest and is very happy although he visits her about twice a week. There are times when people CANNOT LIVE UNDER THE SAME ROOM - WITHOUT SEVERE DAMAGES TO ONE OR MORE OF THE PEOPLE INVOLVED. Your father lived his life and now it is YOUR turn to live. Go back to your apartment. If possible, find a caretaker or someone else to look after him or consider putting him into assisted living or some other suitable place so he can be cared for. You must go home and start living the life you have left and be happy and comfortble.

lvnsm1826: That's good to hear that you have a plan.

Good you kepted it.

Thats why DH and I want to keep our place, to have our own space.

I am in a similar situation in some ways. I no longer work full-time, and am spending more and more time at my parents' house as my mother's Alzheimer's progresses. There came a time when I thought it was time to move in with them, but my father really wanted me to keep my apartment. In my case, it was ME who thought it no longer made sense to pay rent. Now, I am glad that he insisted I keep my apartment. I go to bed later than my mother does, and those late evenings in my apartment are important for my mental health. And if I am having a day when I just can't face what is going on with my parents, I can come up with some excuse to stay home for the day. Well worth continuing to pay rent!

YOUR FIRST PRIORITY SHOULD ALWAYS BE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST. IF NOT, YOU COULD START HAVING MAJOR ISSUES. IT IS NOT CLEAR WHETHER YOUR FATHER IS ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF HIS FINANCIAL AND HEALTH NEEDS AND SO YOU NEED TO MAKE SURE [IF YOU CAN] THAT HE HAS WILL.,POAS FOR PROPERTY AND HEALTH. FOR THAT YOU SHOULD PROBABLY CONTACT A LAWYER WHO SPECIALIZES IN THIS AREA. DOES HE HAVE MUCH OF AN INCOME BESIDES THE HOUSE?ARE ANY OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS WILLING TO HELP AT ALL. DOES HE HAVE ANY FRIENDS OR INTERESTS THAT CAN BE USED? APPARENTLY HIS HOME IS LARGE SO PERHAPS CONSIDER DIVIDING IT INTO TWO APTS. ASSISTED LIVING, DAY CARE AS OTHERS HAVE MENTIONED ARE ALSO GOOD OPTIONS.

I'm not an advocate on rent because it's a huge money waster. Then if the person keeps on renting, how do they ever save for a home? So your dad is spot on accurate in that regard. But ... then what to do with dad? You need your privacy for the sake of your marriage. Suggest senior living facility.

If Dad is able to stay Alone on his Own, If you would move out, Tell him you will Be there for him to Help out. Other than that, He would have to Pay out of Pocket a Caregiver or Suggest a Nursing facility, But if his Money is Not protected, Medicaid will End up Getting it to Pay his own Way.

Your dad seems pretty active, all things considered. I agree with the idea of a senior living or assisted living situation. They have lots of activities and social interaction. They go on field trips and have vans to take residents places like dr appointments or shopping. He could have a really full life on his own.

Financially, there are a few points I can add.
1. If he’s concerned about your finances then going back to work will improve that. Tell him you’re going back to work and you only have two days off per week. (Tell, not suggest.) From his point of view, he doesn’t have to know it’s only part time, if you even go to work at all. Your days off are the days you can take him someplace. He will be on his own for transportation the other days. Give him a list with options for transport; taxi, Uber/Lyft, senior service vans, senior center vans, handicapped transport (he might qualify because of his foot), etc. You can chose to have family dinner with him other days so that you can check in, but not travel, unless you plan dinner out. There are plenty of in-home care businesses that can help him shower, dress, take meds, etc., even take him places. If he is a vet, he may be entitled to free care through the VA.

2. If the homes in his area are now into the million dollar range, he has no financial concerns for paying for assisted living, which is not an inexpensive solution. I expect that his home has probably not had many upgrades recently. Don’t do any unless it’s safety or a few cosmetic things like painting. The house can be rented at a price that can pay for assisted living. (Renters are murder on properties.) Then when he does pass, his will should stipulate what happens to the house.

3. He could sell the house to you, at a price based on its condition (siblings involved so no secrets). This would be more affordable for you and it could pay for assisted living for him.

4. If he won’t consider AL, is there an adult day care ($$) near by? He doesn’t have to go everyday. You could take him in the morning “on your way to work” and bring him back “on your way home”. A senior center is also an option (free), though many don’t have activities all day.

Ultimately, you need to nurture your marriage as much, if not more, than you nurture your father. I’m not in your shoes or your father’s shoes, but it feels to me like your dad could use more socialization. Maybe he could make friends with someone(s) who would go to a senior center with him. It feels to me like he’s relying on you for his social interaction. I say this because, when I was looking for a care facility for my husband, I discounted a larger facility because Bill wasn’t very active. I had put him in a moderately sized facility for respite care for a week while I searched in another city with more affordable care. I chose a nice, quiet residential home I thought he’d like to live in. However, when I went to pick him up at respite care, they told me he was the life of the party. He was socializing, participating and just a complete joy. Needless to say, I was SHOCKED, and changed the facility I placed him in. Consider helping your father back into a life of his own. 79 is still an active age.

Good luck! Let us know how it goes.

Hire a home health aid. They can drive your dad around when he wants to go somewhere. Go back to work (both of you) and start doing what you should've been doing years ago: saving for your retirement. Explain to your dad that you don't hate him but you & your husband need alone time as a couple. He'll understand.

Dad doesent drive because years ago, he had a toe infection and cateracts, plus, lost his insurance. He fixed his cataracts, but decided not to drive anymore.

He needs care in regards to helping to dress, picking things up that dropped, med reminder, and going places.

My husband retired on disability. But would like to do a part time thing if someone hires him.

I was working before. I noticed that when i didnt have time to take my dad out during the day, he wanted to go at night when i was tired. So I'm not working now. But I want to find a part time thing though, because savings doesnt last forever. Maybe work 2 or 3 days a week. thanks for the advice

You’re dad is still young in my book..so why doesn’t he drive? Your profile doesn’t reveal any information that can help those of us on the forum to provide advice. I think your dad has his own strong opinions about money and wants you to buy into them because he thinks he’s right and you’re wrong. Why does he need constant care?
You do need boundaries. Also, two more questions, 51 is very young for your husband...are you saying he's retired? And you don’t work at 38? This really doesn’t make sense in today's expensive world. If you both worked there would be no way for you to be there daily at dad's beck and call. Plus you could both be saving money towards retirement. You will be sorry when you are much older that you didn’t. I don’t mean this to sound harsh...just want you to consider the long term ramifications of your decisions. The time is NOW to take care of yourselves as we never know what lies around the corner. Anything could wipe out your savings.

Thanks everyone. Im 38 , hubby 51, father turning 79 G-d willing

Countrymouse, while here, buying is better than renting, we would have to save up a long time, and stay with him, which he prefers. But for privacy sake, renting is better for us now. I agree we should discuss a plan.

JoAnne, I thought about that too regarding if we are in our place, he doesnt know where we go.
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I uderstand he still wants to do things like before, and i help him. But sometimes, DH and I need to just do our own thing. We compromise and take dad somewhere, while DH and I go somewhere else.
In my mind, there are days for my dad to do what he wants, and days for me and DH to do our things. My dad sees everyday for him. I shouldn't enable, i regret that now. I'm sometimes strong though and try to keep some boundaries.

Rovana you have a good point about saving at what cost? And about being dad's housekeeper.

Always good to keep in mind that what might look good monetarily in an arrangement, might have drawbacks that should make it a non-starter of an idea. Dad is talking about money - but if saving money causes you to move in with Dad, under his thumb, than this could break your health, happiness and marriage. So this is not really about saving money is it?  Always keep in view hidden agendas, like Dad's desire for a live-in housekeeper.

How old is Dad? How old are you? This has a lot to do with how you make your decision. If Dad is capable of caring for himself and is safe in the house, then go back to your place. Husband has a retirement then may buying a house is just not something u feel you can do. Dad wants u to move in with him, don't. He needs to have his own life. You need to have yours. Maybe Dad should sell his home and go to an Independent living. He would have his own apartment, some have cottages. Meals are provided as is transportation. They have activities and outings. He would make friends. He needs to be as independent as he can. An AL, where he could get help dressing, would have the same program. Some Independents have help for a small cost.

If this happens, maybe you can move to a cheaper area. You and husband need your own life. You don't need to discuss finances with Dad. When he says something just tell him, we r OK. Be firm that moving in is not an option. You and hubby need your own space. Call Office of Aging and see what services are available for Seniors. Most have buses for appts and shopping. There are Senior centers, maybe Dad can go. And having an outing every day? Set Boundries. Pick a day for shopping and running errands. I can see you taking him to appts but they should be made at your convenience. Like, I am not a morning person so no appts before 11am if possible. You and hubby have a right to be alone. If it upsets Dad, don't tell him. If you go back to your apartment, he will have no idea you go out without him. Think about it, are you enabling him?

Where I live, its cheaper to rent. NJ has the highest property taxes in the Nation. People in my area are losing their homes because they could afford the Mortgage but then there are taxes, insurance, repairs, etc. Some try to sell but can't even get enough to pay off the mortgage let alone make a profit. Actually, they paid too much for the house. You rent, all you have to worry about is rent and utilities. If something needs repair, you call the landlord.

Mm. One of my rich friends remarked, talking about her own kids' plans, that rent is the biggest waste of money there is after parking fines. This is true. You spend all that money - which is usually more per month than mortgage payments would be for the same property - and have nothing to show for it.

So your father is right on that point, as far as it goes. But the issue is a much bigger one: it stretches across where and how you and your husband want to live, and who is going to support your father, and how.

If you were to follow your father's train of thought, then the obvious conclusion is that you and your husband should move to a much more affordable area and invest in a property for yourselves there. Your father would then need to make his own arrangements for the services he needs.

Or, your father's preferred solution is that you and your husband give up your rented apartment, move in with him, take care of him and... then? The thing is, this isn't impossible and it could be made to work. You would need to draw up a formal agreement in advance that specifies how much he will pay you for your support services, what additional services such as respite breaks and in-home cover will be allowed for, and what share of the house he will leave you in his will, assuming that he predeceases you. Put like that, of course it looks cold and mercenary; but care and housing and food and transport all cost money, and it's no good pretending they don't.

At the moment your father is wholly distracted by your "throwing away" money on rent, and you are hanging on grimly to your refuge because (quite rightly) you are afraid of your lives being consumed by your father's control and demands. But that means that you're not setting out and discussing the whole plan, as it will affect (and help!) all of you. I think that's what you need to do. It's a long conversation: make notes beforehand, and if possible involve friends or family members who understand how difficult and sensitive it is.

He doesn't know everything about my finances, thank G-d, just that I'm not working, and only go on savings. Thanks for the handi dart and senior center idea, I'll look into it.

Dad is not worried about you, he is worried about himself and is trying to guilt you into giving up on having a private life with your husband.

So if your father is safe to be alone overnight (not a fall risk etc), you go home at night and enjoy your time with your husband. Your Dad needs to find other ways of occupying his time that do not involve you being at his beck and call.

If he wants to go out each day he can call a cab, use Handi Dart (local seniors transit) call a friend etc. You are not responsible for taking him anywhere. You certainly do not have to give up your social life, nor take Dad with you and your husband.

Why does your Dad know your finances? Did you ask him for advice at some point? It really is not any of his business. And how is it helping your finances to have a home you are not using?

Just go home at night and do not be at his beck and call. There is no need to feel guilty. Your Dad will manage, if you take him shopping one day a week. If he is lonly, he can make his way to the local seniors centre.