My neighbor is 86. She has no one, except people at her church, that help her out. She fell and was in the hospital and then nursing home to recover. Another neighbor and I helped to take care of her dog. Once she was home, people from her church looked in on her and helped. Somehow, about 3 weeks ago, she has singled me out and comes over to my house, ringing my doorbell 3-4 times a day asking when we are going shopping, or when we will do something together, or wanting me to fix her TV. My office is in my home, so I am busy during the day. I have told her when I would be done working and that I would be over to see her after work, only to have her show back up an hour later asking why I can't come over now. She yells and screams at me when I tell her I cannot drop everything to visit with her.
How do I get her to stop and leave me alone? I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I understand from people who have lived here awhile, that she has been angry and difficult for years. I am new to the neighborhood and feel singled out. Even making a set time to visit with her is not enough, because she wants me over every day.
Get in touch with that person and tell them that she can no longer live unsupported.
Call APS and report her as a vulnerable elder.
Send a certified, return receipt letter to the management office/landlord and report that you are being harassed by a tenant.
See if you can find a family contact to call/email/write that she is in need of care.
Call the local police non-emergency number and ask for a "wellness check".
I reached out to her church. The pastor has been meeting with an attorney to obtain POA so they can better care for her. He said they are trying to get her in to assisted living. The pastor said that APS has not been willing to intervene. Apparently, APS has been out to visit her, but because she was able to demonstrate that she can provide her own meals, and her house is not overly dirty, they have said there is nothing they can do. Her meals consist of being microwaved. She has no working stove or oven.
I find that to be hogwash. I have seen EMS at her house twice in the last 2 weeks. If APS deems her to be able to provide for her own meals, and she is not living in squalor, then there is nothing they can do?? Do they not take in to consideration someone's cognitive abilities?
The nursing home had to discharge her due to no further insurance coverage, and the fact that they felt she was able to care for herself, with the help of her church.
This totally seems like a case of someone falling through the bureaucratic cracks.
I have no problem telling her that I cannot help her, and after reaching out to her pastor, I will continue to let him know if she continues to come to my house. This may help him to obtain the POA needed to help move her out of her house and into at least assisted living.
You "could" call APS to add your information to their file and tell them their assessment of her being OK on her own is inaccurate. Then, wash your hands of it.
A similar thing happened to a friend. Helped carry a bag of groceries for an elderly neighbour one day.. morphed into being selected as no #1 support person in a quick flash.. calls, doorbell, requests for groceries, driving to appointments +++.
In that case, a relative's number was obtained & family then stepped in.
While your neighbour's living situation is not actually your responsibility, it is awful to think of elders alone without care in our neighbourhood. This does not mean you have to provide it.. but consider how to get this lady onto some sort of radar for the assistance she needs.
Letting her church know if you can.
Calling APS does not sound unreasonable either.
She may even still be having effects from her recent hospital stay. Many elderly people get a level of delerium from falls & hospital stays. Some don't actually return to their pre-fall mental state.
My husband and I wound up in a similar situation. Our neighbor across the street was an amputee and in poor health, and his wife was very frail and didn't speak English or drive. Every time he fell, they had to call an ambulance to get him up - until my husband once told them to call him instead of the ambulance and he would come help. Next thing we knew, they were calling him for doctor appointments and errands. The wife would catch me in the yard and ask me to come help her with things. Once I was inside their house, she wouldn't want me to leave because she was lonely, but I couldn't communicate with her so it was very awkward. When she grabbed my arm and stood in my way to try to keep me from leaving, I got a little freaked out and never went back. I'm ashamed to say I would start watching her house as I approached my driveway and I would make the block and wait until she was inside before I would park at my own house and then I would rush inside before she could see me and come outside to stop me. I dodged her for months before they wound up having to give up their home so he could go to a nursing home and we don't know what happened to her.
We tried to be gentle in separating ourselves from them, but they didn't understand that we needed them to schedule appointments on certain days or early or late in the day to minimize my husband's time off work, and they didn't try to be considerate of our limited discretionary time in asking for our help, so we wound up having to build a wall around ourselves and telling them no over and over again. We felt like jerks for doing it, and really hated ourselves for it, but now that I have become responsible for my mother's care, we realize how important it is for caregivers to protect themselves first and foremost and set boundaries up front so that they are best able to take care of the ones that depend on them. We probably would handle the same situation differently than we did, but we didn't see the problems coming.
This is indeed a sad situation, but by allowing her to impose on her neighbors, her own long-term situation is not being properly addressed. Refusing her help will ultimately force the hand of those better equipped to help her situation.
Oh well...
If you are working from home do not answer the door during working hours. If you were working in an office you could not answer the door...same applies WFH.
With the price of gas above $5.00 a gallon tell her that if you take her to the store you will have to charge her.
If you wish to put a stop to other things tell her Tech Support will also cost her.
If you want to be "nice" pick a day of the week that is convenient for you and "give" her an hour or so to visit. Take a break, have a glass of Iced Tea and relax. Keep one important word in mind...BOUNDARIES. No one can take advantage of you unless you let them.
If she has no family and you wish to put a stop to this or are concerned a call to APS might be in order as it does not sound like she should be living alone.
Working from home
If you want to do her a kindness write down a few caregiver agency phone numbers where she can get a hired homemaker/companion to help her out and spend time with her. Also talk to the other neighbor. See if she is this way to them.
Then let that be the end of it. Tell her you will have coffee with her once a week (if you want a relationship with her) but not to come to your house or call. You are not her emergency contact and you are not in charge of her. Let her know that you don't want to go to the police and get a restraining order against her, but you will of she makes it necessary.
Post a sign on your front door " working- do not disturb".
She may or may not remember if she called you previously in the same day. The yelling and screaming is not normal behavior. You may end up calling APS (Adult Protective Services) if she is unsafe being alone. Elderly, even the best of them are very demanding and act entitled.
And she needs help. And as she has no one, calling APS may be the best route and d/w them she appears to have dementia.
In Mysteryshoppers offence...I used to be willing to help and because of my job was well aware of the services available in my County. I found out over the years (I'm 72) that lonely people take advantage. They cling to anyone willing to help. I don't mind helping but I do not want to be relied on for everything they need or want done. And believe me, after you have been taken advantage of a few times, you see the signs. Sometimes it only takes a small act of kindness and they will not let go.
My mantra...I am here to help people find a way, not be the way.
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