How do I get my elderly neighbor to leave me alone? She comes over and rings my doorbell 3-4 times every day asking me for various favors.

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How do I get my elderly neighbor to leave me alone? She comes over and rings my doorbell 3-4 times every day asking me for various favors.

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My neighbor is 86. She has no one, except people at her church, that help her out. She fell and was in the hospital and then nursing home to recover. Another neighbor and I helped to take care of her dog. Once she was home, people from her church looked in on her and helped. Somehow, about 3 weeks ago, she has singled me out and comes over to my house, ringing my doorbell 3-4 times a day asking when we are going shopping, or when we will do something together, or wanting me to fix her TV. My office is in my home, so I am busy during the day. I have told her when I would be done working and that I would be over to see her after work, only to have her show back up an hour later asking why I can't come over now. She yells and screams at me when I tell her I cannot drop everything to visit with her.

How do I get her to stop and leave me alone? I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I understand from people who have lived here awhile, that she has been angry and difficult for years. I am new to the neighborhood and feel singled out. Even making a set time to visit with her is not enough, because she wants me over every day.

Burnout Relationships Signs of Dementia

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You know what is sad about this story and MissyEs? That there are two Senior woman who need help and they are not getting it. Really, there something wrong with a person that feels people they really don't know are responsible for their needs. That they destroy property. Trying to break into a strangers car because she wants to go to the store. Help thy neighbor does not mean you take on the responsibility for their care indefinitely.

In these two instances, the neighbors need more care than one person can do. And, without being the person's POA you have no rights. It all could come to bite u in the a**. Some relative could bring charges against you saying you were exploiting this person in some way. No good deed goes unpunished. We allow someone to live with us to get back on their feet. It turns into months and now they are considered a tenant and you have to evict them.

Our world is so different than when the Bible was written. It was small villages back then with small numbers of people living in them. They did for each other so the community would survive. We now need to realize there are just people we cannot help. There has to be some other kind of intervention. So, we should be able to call in people who have the ability to help these poor women. But as we see, the people that have the ability don't use it. Really sad.

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I did not read all the answers since I'm working, so this may be a repeat. My advice is kind of simple but may work. What about a sign on your front door... something like "At work. Do not disturb." Another thought is to add a front door video camera/microphone. If she knocks anyway, you can either ignore her or just say through the mic-- I'm sorry. I'm at work now and can't talk." If she argues that she needs something, just say "I'm sorry. I can't help now."... then. Put on your headphones and turn up the music so you don't have to listen to the banging.

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OP replied on May 31st that the Church Pastor is now involved in getting the woman help.

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I know the feeling. I live across the street from a crazy old woman. Yes, I know that sounds cruel, but those adjectives are correct. She is an alcoholic and uses hard drugs. She tore down one neighbor's Christmas decorations with her cane because he wouldn't take her to Publix. She told my husband that he was a bad neighbor because he wouldn't take her to Publix. She broke into a neighbor's car trying to steal it to go to Target (she told the owner that she was going there to get some crack cocaine). Okay this is a long story, so I'll get to the point.

There is nothing you can do except call the police. The police, ambulance, and/or fire department are at her house at least once a week. It all came to a head when she fell in her ditch on her way to somewhere (??). The neighbors call the police; everyone shows up; she comes on to the EMT man; they all laugh. In the past, they take her to the ER; she sobers up; she somehow gets home to do it again.

This last time (maybe two days ago), my husband goes over to talk to the EMT and police officer to complain again about her. I don't go over because I'm tired of it. The EMT and PO say that there is nothing they can do. The Drs release her after she sobers up. Her son says he's trying to get her "committed", but that could be a ruse for my husband to stop calling him everytime the police haul her off.

I'm rambling. Her car was impounded (sp?) because she committed a hit and run while DUI. That only got her a few months in jail. She was released.

Okay...don't answer the door and call the police. I know folks are being nice and saying call her pastor, etc. That's not your job or responsibility. You can only look after yourself. Ignore her.

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MissyE,

Someone in your neighborhood should get a restraining order against the crazy old lady who is terrorizing the place. Maybe the guy whose car she tried to steal. If someone gets a restraining order and she decides to get cute and something, that is in violation of it. This neighbor of yours gets arrested and goes to jail. at least then the state would have to figure out what to do with her.
I know what a person trying to steal my car or wrecking my holiday decorations would get from me if I caught them in the act. I don't care how old they are. People have a right to defend their property from theft and damage.
Someone in your neighborhood has to get a restraining order against her.

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Cheddarveil: I did see your post from May 31 wherein you stated that this individual's church has reached out.

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Always answering the door and the phone seems to be a generational thing. I won't answer a phone unless I know who it is, and actually want to talk to them, nor answer a door if it's someone I don't know (aside from delivery drivers).

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I agree. I'm not the least bit curious what a stranger wants or dealing with someone that just dropped by. I'm busy and it's not always convenient for me to visit.

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Pale of water perhaps 🤔

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Someone needs to contact social services and request a welfare check. Perhaps her church if they are no longer able to help her.

if she has no family, someone in authority will have to decide how she can be helped.

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Op stated on the 31st that the Church has taken over to help this woman.

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May 31st the OP posted that she was able to contact the Church and the Pastor took on the responsibility to find this woman help.

In Mysteryshoppers offence...I used to be willing to help and because of my job was well aware of the services available in my County. I found out over the years (I'm 72) that lonely people take advantage. They cling to anyone willing to help. I don't mind helping but I do not want to be relied on for everything they need or want done. And believe me, after you have been taken advantage of a few times, you see the signs. Sometimes it only takes a small act of kindness and they will not let go.

My mantra...I am here to help people find a way, not be the way.

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Please call 911 for a 72 hour hold/psych eval if she gets agitated (be sure to video to prove what you're experiencing). If she is calm, please call Adult Protective Services to evaluate irrational behaviors in light of the fact that she lives alone.

Not answering the door is always an option, too!

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I have an elderly neighbor who (after decades of living a walkable distance away from each other) started coming over in the early mornings and waking me up. Each time, I answered the door. I did so thinking it was something legit or that I was truly needed right then and there. Nope. Trivial stuff. I suspect she's a long-term sufferer of severe anxiety and very self-centered, but getting me out of bed was not going to solve any of that as I suspect it's a lifelong situation to which there may be many other aspects. I had to finally tell her in no uncertain terms that I would not be speaking with her right then about non-emergent things. She did look at me like I was nuts and I questioned whether it was possibly much later in the day than I realized. Nope. Morning. There was no being nice about it- - unfortunately. I have a right to sleep in my own home just as OP has a right to be at home and not be disturbed.

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This reminds me of the story about the man who kept getting hurt because he kept stepping on the rake!

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I'm in the UK. Do you have the equivalent of our Social Services in the US? This lady needs more help as her condition will get worse over time and you are not responsible for her. If she is not getting the help she needs, somebody needs to take responsibility for finding that help. Good Luck.

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You are the newest target and the only one she hadn't burned out, that's why you were singled out.

It is okay to tell her that it's unacceptable for her to scream and yell and she won't be seeing you ever if she doesn't stop.

I would call her pastor every single time she has a meltdown with you. If he is seriously working at dealing with this, he needs to know how things are escalating. You can contact the police and ask them to have a chat with her, this might get her the help she so obviously needs.

Please let us know how this resolves, we learn from each other.

Edit: APS does see being able to eat from the microwave as acceptable, so do many people, proven by the frozen microwaveable food sections taking up more space in a grocery store then the fresh food section. People can live anyway they choose, even if that means squalor. What they look for is self neglect, no utilities, no food in the house, obvious confusion. Anything less is seen as managing, which has a very low standard, IMO.

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I think OP is doing the right thing by coordinating with the woman’s pastor, since he seems to be willing to take charge (as much as anyone can in the situation). Hopefully things will be resolved soon. Sounds like the best outcome would be professional care for her.

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I would find out which is her church family, and contact her pastor. I am sure that they would help you. They would even contact her family I am sure. God says to love thy neighbor, so perhaps God put you in your new house for the reason to find her the help she needs. God bless her, and you!

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Don’t answer the door to her you shouldn’t feel like that in your own home she sounds as if she has Dementia tell the people who care for her that you can’t be on call 24/7 my mum was like this and it’s why I say it’s dementia her neighbour’s were getting fed up as she was doing the same thing sad as it is it’s not your responsibility

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You all do realize that this is very much dementia-type behavior. And if she does have dementia, she won't remember anything she is told. Someone that has dementia may not be confused all the time, but they also may have very limited short-term memory. So, whatever the woman is told, whether she is told when she is oriented or confused, she may very likely not remember and not realize the extent of the "bad behavior". She needs help, not people expressing how awful she is. And it very well may be that she should not be living by herself any longer, but she will need to be deemed mentally incapacitated by a physician to be placed into memory care assisted living, unless she willingly agrees.

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I would contact her family and let them know what is going on. This poor woman sounds like she is unable to live on her own anymore without assistance. If you do not know the family, then contact the church--they may know the family. Ask to be put in contact with the family. Its wonderful of you to help her when you can but she needs more help than you can offer.

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The OP said there was "no one". I took that to mean she has no family.

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In this case you can’t even run or hide😊. It may sound cruel but, you’ve stated your position now stand by it! Actions speak louder than words. Don’t answer the door! Unhook it if you must! She’s a domineering type most likely and probably lonely as well but we can’t allow others to rule our lives. More than likely she’ll be at a window or door watching for you to leave out… so run to the car and take off….zoom😂 remember it’s still okay to say NO!

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First of all do not answer the phone while you are working. Let her learn to leave a message and if this does not work block her number.

Post a sign on your front door " working- do not disturb".

She may or may not remember if she called you previously in the same day. The yelling and screaming is not normal behavior. You may end up calling APS (Adult Protective Services) if she is unsafe being alone. Elderly, even the best of them are very demanding and act entitled.

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No, it is NOT the "elderly". This woman sounds like she has dementia.

And she needs help. And as she has no one, calling APS may be the best route and d/w them she appears to have dementia.

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You are so right Mystery. We are suppose to help others but sometimes the others take advantage. That why I no longer volunteer my time. Seems when you volunteer its expected. If you ask me it will probably be a yes but that leaves it open for me to say no the next time.

We helped my GFs mother with appts. It then morphed into helping my GF and then her daughter. In 1 month 3 days a week we were running someone somewhere. Babysitting for my grandson stopped most of it. Felt bad that I hadn't stayed in touch with the mother. My GF, an only child, had died and the husband was ill. I just knew if I did I would be sucked back in and could not say no. I also was carrying for my Mom. The mother did find a companion that helped her who had no family of her own. So it worked for both of them.

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I do feel ignorant. I tried GF as Girlfriend, Grandfather, and Goodfriend, but I couldn't make one make sense to me through both paragraphs. I'm sorry, but I'm confused. My apologies for asking. . . .

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This. Wow. DH and I live across the street from an elderly couple who we never met until recently. They have been our neighbors for 20+ years. During a storm this past winter, we could see a silhouette of what appeared to be a female outside trying to remove snow from the end of her driveway. After much thought, my DH went out there to help her. She appreciated the help, but proceeded to unload on my DH about her husband who just died (we didn't even know that), no kids, she still has to work full time due to financial struggles, and several other things. First time either of us had met this person and I was deeply worried that a precedent had been set for future snow shoveling or other support. We are not young ourselves and would be limited on what we could do and how often -just as this OP is limited. I'm glad DH went out to help, but it's a darn shame that I now have to worry about expectations or being taken advantage of for being kind-hearted. I think, dementia or not, elders' days run long and time hangs heavy. Tasks grow larger than the strength/stamina an elder has available. I can see someone thinking "surely it's been a while since I asked so and so to help me...." when in reality it hasn't even been 24 hours since the last request. Stand firm. Unfortunately, she may state that you misled her somehow. This next example was in an employment situation, but I once told an elderly lady to call me if she needed "anything" and to drop xyz in the mail so I could review it. She immediately called back and wanted to know if a "Number 10 envelope would be OK" to use to mail xyz document to me. Seriously? She called back for that? Yup, she did. And I had essentially told her that would be acceptable to call for any reason. However, in a high-pressure, results-driven workplace, I couldn't care less what size envelope she used and I didn't have time to deal with such nonsense.

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God forbid, neighbors helping neighbors.

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I am so glad the Pastor is involved.

I had a friend who worked for the Health Dept. She told me they are limited in what they can do. She had gone into many a bad house. But if the person is of sound mind and there is food in the cupboard and frig. they can do nothing about the dirt or hoarding. They abide by state law.

When APS came around this woman was probably able to ""sometime". As suggested, I would document anytime she comes to your house and her actions.

Please update us on what the pastor is able to do.

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Thats "showtine"

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Encourage the church parishioners to help her! i hate to say this but disconnect your door bell and don't let her know you are home all the time. make something up like you have an office to go to. it's difficult bc she is lonely and 86 but you can't be her baby sitter. there must be senior citizen places that you could talk to to give the neighbor a call and invite her to senior groups. you just have to do it and you are not being mean.

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How to get her to leave you alone is by telling her to leave you alone. If she gets too angry or "difficult" about it, call the cops.
If you want to do her a kindness write down a few caregiver agency phone numbers where she can get a hired homemaker/companion to help her out and spend time with her. Also talk to the other neighbor. See if she is this way to them.
Then let that be the end of it. Tell her you will have coffee with her once a week (if you want a relationship with her) but not to come to your house or call. You are not her emergency contact and you are not in charge of her. Let her know that you don't want to go to the police and get a restraining order against her, but you will of she makes it necessary.

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Thank you everyone, for your responses.

I reached out to her church. The pastor has been meeting with an attorney to obtain POA so they can better care for her. He said they are trying to get her in to assisted living. The pastor said that APS has not been willing to intervene. Apparently, APS has been out to visit her, but because she was able to demonstrate that she can provide her own meals, and her house is not overly dirty, they have said there is nothing they can do. Her meals consist of being microwaved. She has no working stove or oven.

I find that to be hogwash. I have seen EMS at her house twice in the last 2 weeks. If APS deems her to be able to provide for her own meals, and she is not living in squalor, then there is nothing they can do?? Do they not take in to consideration someone's cognitive abilities?

The nursing home had to discharge her due to no further insurance coverage, and the fact that they felt she was able to care for herself, with the help of her church.

This totally seems like a case of someone falling through the bureaucratic cracks.

I have no problem telling her that I cannot help her, and after reaching out to her pastor, I will continue to let him know if she continues to come to my house. This may help him to obtain the POA needed to help move her out of her house and into at least assisted living.

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Glad you were able to make contact with the pastor. Maybe knowing what a nuisance she is making of herself, the church people will step up a little more. Do NOT answer your door during the day. Lock the door. Disable the bell. Put a "Do not disturb" sign on your front door. Don't answer your phone if she calls.

You "could" call APS to add your information to their file and tell them their assessment of her being OK on her own is inaccurate. Then, wash your hands of it.

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Since she belongs to a church, schedule an appointment with the pastor. He or she needs to know that this member needs more help from their faith group or she needs help to transition to assisted living.

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As others have said, there is something wrong with this woman has likely had a personality disorder her whole life and driven people away. I understand that you may feel both angry and guilty ignoring her but that is what must be done. Leave it in the hands of Adult Protective services as she may also have some dementia and be in need of placement.

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Your neighbor reminds me of one we had awhile back; she was gradually going downhill, showing signs of dementia, becoming very 'needy.' She did not seem to comprehend personal space nor boundaries. Since she has no family to contact, get in touch with her church, her pastor, etc., and let them know she needs help, likely an evaluation for safety to be living on her own. Contact the social worker through the hospital and/or rehab center where she received care and notify them of this situation. This is abnormal behavior; she is ill. Because you're new to the neighborhood you are a target because others have likely learned to ignore her, not get drawn into her patterns. Put a Do Not Disturb sign on your door when you are working (or otherwise don't want to be disturbed!) and do not respond to her knocking. If she persists or escalates in any way, call the police for 'disturbing the peace'. Contact your area's council on aging for guidance as well. Thank you for helping with her dog, btw.

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Santalynn, the church was already engaged. As an elder in my church I can tell you that without legal authority to make decisions on this woman' behalf, there's only so much a faith-based org can do. Also it is all volunteer help and this is where people fall through the cracks. I don't recommend it. APS is the best and only resource to contact. They can acquire legal guardianship for her and then get her the care she needs.

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Sorry to be harsh, call Adult protective Services. She clearly needs help and cannot rely on neighbors (or her church) to do everything for her. Explain to them she is totally alone. You also could call her church and explain she is very needy and you are unable to assist her and will be calling Adult Protective Services because she need care most of the time.

I’m betting her church can’t give her as much care as she needs either. You do not have any reason to become her caregiver.

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I didn't suggest contacting her church for caregiving but to add to the observations of her need for care in case they are affiliated with the various aid organizations; for referral, etc. Sometimes APS is your only option if there is no other support system. Or her area council on aging may have recommendations.

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You have the absolute right to have peace at your own home.

I know this is going to sound awful, but you have to put her on notice and officially tell her she is NOT welcome and is trespassing, and treat her like a trespasser. If she still refuses you need to call the police and file a police report. Harassment is unlawful.

Sometimes you have to fight for your peace. The woman may have issues with dementia and is not safe living by herself. If I were in your situation I would get the police involved since she cannot control herself.

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How do I get my elderly neighbor to leave me alone? She comes over and rings my doorbell 3-4 times every day asking me for various favors.

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