Here I am living with my dad because he needs the help. He can no longer live alone. I left my family and moved. I have an older sister that will only have him for a short time, maybe once a year, but yet she goes to their vacation home often. How can I get them more involved and myself time to go home and see my kids and grand baby? Feeling a bit resentful and trying not to.
Get some outside help in place or consider how to place him in AL.
Asking questions is good.
"Left my family and moved".
Why?
"living with my dad because he needs the help"
Why?
"he can no longer live alone.."
Why not?
Does Dad need help through a short recovery? Or longterm?
A significant sudden health event? Or maybe a slow progression of disease or decline?
How has he adapted to his new situation? What changes has he made? Has he hired home help? Plans to downsize, move? What's his plan?
Once the crisis phase is over, there's time to reassess, and to take EVERYONE'S needs and resources into account.
Do you want to live with dad? Do you want to in in FL, away from your kids and grandkids?
If not, start with getting a professional needs assessment for determine what dad's care needs are.
Assess his finances--income, assets and entitlements.
Figure out a plan that works for you both. Your life matters as much as dad's.
Get Dad placed in a facility either in Florida or near where you live and move back home. Your father’s needs will only increase and you will not be able to help him alone. You say he can’t live alone, I’m assuming he would need an aide 24/7. Most folks can’t pay an aide 24/7 for in home care , it’s too much money . If Dad owns his home sell it and use that money and any other that he has for a facility . Don’t use your own money . If you have to , sell the vacation home as well . I hope someone has POA .
Your home is not in Florida .
Your sister has it right. She's putting her immediate family before anyone else and that is how it should be. You could learn a thing or two from her.
If your dad can no longer live by himself then do him(and yourself)a favor and have him placed in an assisted living facility where he will be around folks his own age to enjoy and have fun with and also receive the care that he needs, and you can get back to making your immediate family a priority. Because remember you can never get these days and years back that you're losing with your children and grandchild.
Hands on caregiving only works when it's working for all parties involved and it's obviously no longer working for you, so start today with looking into the best facility for your dad.
This was your choice.
The answer to "How can I get my sister to do ANYTHING" is that you cannot.
That is the thing you have to understand fully.
I would be more in your sister's court, myself. I would not be taking on the in home care of my relative. You say you have left home and family to do this. I certainly hope that isn't a primary family of, say, husband and children who are minors that you left.
There is no obligation to do in home care for our parents nor for them to move in with us. The obligations exist FROM parent TO child. A parent is responsible to the child while that child is not of age. Then that child is responsible for children he or she brings into this world.
You have made a choice. But it isn't your right to make that choice for others. And it will be a waste of energy you are going to sorely need now to do what you have chosen to take on. I hope that, when you moved in, you let your parent know that you will have to assess things as you go, and re-evaluate as things progress. I wish you the very best.
In some situations , all the choices are bad. I was geographically cursed in that I live 10 miles from my mentally ill mother, while my brother is 350 miles away.
When she showed up at my door after 10 years, my thoughts were to GET her help, NOT to be her help. The problem is APS doesn’t just “take them,” if they have any sort of mental capacity intact. I got APS involved, and all they did was ask if she had food, and some cleanup and repairs on her house. There was no other help coming. It felt cruel to exit. I have a healthcare background, and, once I saw how she was living and her extensive healthcare needs that can’t be met here.. it felt cruel to walk.
You can read some of my other posts about the crap we’ve dealt with in the last year.
My brother’s life has remained the same level of easy it’s always been. He will never help. I’m on the fence about what our relationship will be when mother is gone. I’m offended that someone who supposedly cares about me would step back and let me be mired in this hell.
All of this happened on the tail end of my sweet dads sudden terminal illness, the difficulties I had in getting him diagnosed with liver failure and cancer (again largely handled by just me), and being his executrix, selling his home etc. My brother has remained largely insulated from ANY of this hard stuff, said some insensitive things to me as I dealt with dad’s illness.
Sis has her life and she's living it. She didn't make the choice to move in with your dad (did she even support it? was she even in the loop about the decision?)
If this was a decision you made on your own, you really can't expect anything from family. I'm sorry to say this. One person can't tell others "OK, I'm doing this and I expect A, B, C from you."
You can reach out to them and ask for help. Don't have ANY expectations of offers of help, and hopefully you will get some help.
Your other options would include paying for short term care for dad. If dad can't afford that, maybe your sibs would cough up some money for that.
IDK--If I were your family, I'd feel pretty shortchanged about the CG situation. My Dh is currently involved in the most ridiculous plan to care for his mother at home. Watching all 3 of the 'kids' in this slowly but surely become more depressed by the day has been so disheartening.
Our kids hate that 'Papa' is so depressed and doesn't want to do anything. How does your family really feel?
"Sis, I need your help. I really need your help. I'm drowning in this responsibility. I don't expect you to take over, but I could really use more of your help right now until we get through this as a family. Please think about it, and let's have a conversation in the next few weeks about how we can work together better on this."
It might not work, but people do have the capacity to change. People sometimes have blinders on until the person with the burden finally says "I need you now." If she and you have some good feelings towards each other and she's not a complete flake, she may really get the message, if you're direct enough, and she may arrive at the decision herself to be more available.
Again, this is not going to work in every situation. But sometimes it does. Sometimes people can be reached. Good luck.
It's natural for you to feel resentful. Why would you try not to? You gave up your life, and being with your children and grandchildren, all because your dad can no longer live alone. Apparently he had no plans for his elder care other than you and your sister. That's on him.
You need to tell dad you can't do it anymore. That you need to be with your family. Then explore other options, such as assisted living or a nursing home for him. You've done your bit, and you matter as much as he does. So go.
If dad and sister have a fit over this, let them figure it out together.
Turn from relying on *them* to remembering YOU are The Master/Mistress of your own time.
What would stop you leaving in 1 week? (Assuming you have funds to fly or ability to drive)
What are the specific reasons that would stop you?
One day she will lose that chance forever.
I am still enforcing my firm boundaries on this exact thing - as assumptions that when my LO needs ABCD, I must provide ABCD.
Happened again last month.
"Separate the two things".
This is what I spell out..Every.Time.
LO may need ABCD ie a boat load of stuff. I cannot provide all that. Cannot provide the boat, bail out the water, paddle for everyone. No. But I can blow a whistle for other help.
So what do you want from us? If we say that your sister is wrong and you are being imposed on, it may make you feel better in the short term. But it may also make you feel justified in being angrier in the longer term. Is that really better – for you? Or for her or for Dad?
If you have reached the point where you want to go home, it might be good to talk with sister about what happens next. If Dad gets a united front, it will probably help him to accept that things have to change. You can respond to a crisis, but it is not the way to live the rest of your life.
I don’t know what stage of Parkinson’s disease your dad is in. The latter stages of Parkinson’s are quite challenging.
Are you planning on living with your dad for the long haul? Have you considered placement in a facility to allow your dad to receive around the clock care by a professional staff?
I fully acknowledge that being a caregiver is too much for one person to handle. I understand how hard this is for you.
I was my mother’s caregiver. She had Parkinson’s disease. She died at age 95.
Your sister deserves to make her own choices in life, just as you do.
I hope that you will consider resuming your life with your family. Go back to being your father’s daughter again instead of his primary caregiver.
You won’t be abandoning your dad if he is placed in a facility. You can be your his advocate and oversee his care. Wishing you and your father well.
I'm like Lulu376: You left your family? Your sister is honest at least in her choice to not give up her life to take care of your father. You are taking care of him but doing it resentfully. It's hard enough to be a caregiver when you are happy to do it. This is not healthy for you or your family. You are a good daughter, so be a good wife, mother and grandmother too. Lovingly I tell you, "go home".
The bottom line here is that you seem to be cautious about approaching your sister on this request. It also sounds like there are more extenuating circumstances surrounding your family dynamic, which makes alot of advice moot in terms of some of the well thought out responses here on this thread so far.
You sibling has her reasons, and you have yours, ie, scheduling/personal viewpoints and feelings.
I no longer expect a thing from my sibs. If they help out here and there, it's a pleasant surprise. If they don't, I'm none the worse for the wear. THAT is where I find my peace, which is the acceptance in that I cannot and will not expect anything from my sibs in this current situation. It also, (should you decide to take this advice), makes the world turn alot smoother.
Early on, when everyone was finding their "groove" with facility life, it was like 6 different people were planning to go on some sort of a vacation, only to end up arguing with six different opinions as to where we all wanted to go for the destination. I decided to assume all responsibility to stop the minutia so that at least I knew what was unfolding. This has been successful for myself, my mother and my marriage.
Having said that, I realize that it may not work for you in this way, as I recognize that living with your father full time isn't feasible. However, my point to you is that your resentment is founded, but you may find yourself with chronic / growing resentment if you just don't come out and ask your sister for some help, without trying to maneuver a response in your favor from her. This way, at least you will know and can plan more effectively and emotionally and logistically.
Just my .02
Good luck.
Even after doing all that you still can't MAKE her help you.
You should not have left YOUR family
You should not have left YOUR home.
Solutions:
Dad pays for caregivers to come in so he can remain in his home. Chances are he will need those caregivers 24/7.
You begin looking for a facility that will care for dad as his care needs change and he declines.
You research resources that will enable him to move into a facility that will meet his needs.
Is he a Veteran? Good possibility that the Parkinson's might be traced back to his service. If so he may qualify for a lot of help from the VA.
Will he have to apply for Medicaid? If so begin that application process as soon as possible.
And I have to ask...why did you leave YOUR home and family move in with dad...why not him leave HIS home and move in with you?
By the way..I was kidding about tying her up that is Kidnapping and it is against the law it is a Class 2 Felony.