I don't even know what category to put this in.
I'll try and be as direct as I can.
There is a family friend who helped care for my grandfather when he was sick up until he died. That same person needed a place to stay so I figured it couldn't hurt and I could use the extra rent money and I know I could make it dirt cheap for him compared to what he has before.
But I very quickly realized he needs a LOT of help. Sure, he can bathe himself, feed himself (though he only cooks literally one thing, and otherwise only makes sandwiches and such), etc. But otherwise he's completely dependent on others.
He had zero idea on how to pay his own bills, zero idea how to use his phone if a name isn't already in the contacts, can't even schedule his own doctor appointments or call in his own prescriptions. He can't drive. And if you try to attempt at getting him to cook anything other than his sandwiches or crockpot "goulash", even as simple as a box of Mac n cheese, he is completely lost. He can BARELY manage to shop for himself. He's on disability and Medicaid.
My aunt helped him for a few years and I'm almost feeling like she pawned him off on me, so to speak, without giving me the details that he needed all of this extra assistance.
I, myself, am pending disability after near working myself to death (quite literally) and am a single father with custody of my kids and I'm restoring the house because I bought it cheap "as is". So I'm already pretty strapped for time and attention.
Now, we've since figured out an apartment for him, but my phone is absolutely blowing up from him needing this and that and I can't keep running out to him when I've got so much else going on.
It's not that I don't want to help. It's that I can't. Again, single dad, two kids living with me, I'm awaiting disability myself due to injuries, and I can't keep up with it all and I need to focus on my kids first.
My family has taken care of this man, who isn't even related to us, for four years or more. I'm unsure the extent of his family but I do know he has a daughter and granddaughter, but they've done nothing to help him.
He's a good guy. And I've been doing my best at making time for him, but I can't raise my kids, take care of my household, AND care for someone elderly who isn't even related to me. His family needs to step up or I need to find more options for his care. His Medicaid covers tech assistants that can take him shopping or help him get his meds, whatever, but I also have been around him long enough to know he will refuse that help. But the longer time goes on, the more dependent on me he's become.
At what point is enough enough? My state does have laws in place that obligate people to care for their elderly direct family members whether directly or financially, but I don't want to seem like a jerk for getting all legal with it. And I know if I try to involve social services to get him some help, he's going to refuse it.
He can't keep getting more dependent on me with my own declining health and needing to raise my kids. I'm not qualified to do so. I literally don't have the physical stamina to do it because of my own injuries.
I'm just at a loss. If my health was better or I didn't have custody of my kids then I'd have the physicality and the time, but I don't. I don't mind helping, but it's becoming less help and becoming more dependent.
I don't know what to do.
HE HAS A DAUGHTER.... and again:::: ::: HE HAS A DAUGHTER.
WHERE IS SHE? again: WHERE IS SHE? ... when was the last time your or her dad have spoken to her: DID HE CALL HER IN THE LAST 6 MONTHS?
I TRULY SUGGEST YOU START THERE.. CALLL THE DAUGHTER.... Get a conversation going..... START THERE..... one small step to the next... Hopefully she will give you details on why she was / is out of his life this many years...
She may have a legit answer for that...LISTEN..............
When people ask too much of an individual they should stop and realize that compassion has more than one perspective. You can always visit at random for a better conscience if limits are respected.
After reading your post I felt like crying. The very first reaction I had when I finished was -- you are NO jerk. Call the local Elder Abuse hotline, explain the situation, and give them (if you have them) the families names. This would be the best and kindest thing you can do for your friend.
You are getting more and more angry about the situation, I can see it in your words. Doing this will free you of many things, but more important allow you to help and be there for your friend in ways that both benefit both of you. Your own children and your health must be your first priorities. Please take care of yourself first. You can not help anyone if you let yourself fall apart.
Best of luck, hugs, and prayers.
Angelheart2
I know you need to get him on someone else’s radar instead of just dropping him. It sounds like he can’t function alone. This Agency should have the means to do that.
it sounds like the pro is boundary setting. Your friend can take care of himself in a minimal way and he has paid assistance available to support him. You are enabling him. He MUST take advantage of the aids he’s entitled to. Then, you can fill in with a little friendly assistance as you’re able. Define what it will be (pick something that there are no alternatives for him). At first, confine you’re help to finding programs for him via your county’s office on aging. Transportation, house cleaning, day programs, there are programs for all of it. He just needs to be helped to overcome his resistance. After that, it will all just be part of his routine. Plus, he’ll have that many more people in his life.
ps - don’t worry about his diet. My dad ate the exact same thing for each meal for years.
So now that you know what NOT to do, let me tell you what to do. There are adult day centers which care for people like this all day long liek from 8a-5pm and people love teh social interaction with other disabled people and in our city they can even ride the handicap bus so no need to even take him. He will get two or three meals a day and they even have a nurse on staff. This will cut down on his need for you by over 50 percent im sure and Medicaid pays for it.
The state also has different programs where they will pay for someone to take him shopping,etc. This will cut down your help you need to give by another 30 percent at least.
So when all is said and done I wouldnt be surprised if you have to help him only once in a blue moon.
Start looking for solutions instead of all these people on here who comment too just throw the guy under the bus. All it will take is a few phone calls to a day center and they will help you get the ball rolling.
Then tell your friend you are going to get him some help and he needs to coporate because your exhausted but your still going to be his friend and help him when you can. Tell him to let you help him and you and just reassure him you are still friends and will be there for him.
Turn a negative into a positive! Plus this will set a good example for your kids! Your kids will always remember how there daddy helped a disabled man!
"...I am trying to figure out how to set up contingencies so he'll be alright, then walk away..."
"...we are in an area where he doesn't know anyone, there's no pubic transportation, there's no markets within walking distance...It's pretty much the middle of nowhere..."
You are not a social worker. Call the county and report him as a "vulnerable elder" and give them his address. Then call him and tell him that you won't be around for a while. He should understand. If he doesn't, that's on him not you.
We have a few friends who help us from time to time and we are so very grateful. We also know that we don't ask them to do anything very often as we don't want to take advantage of their kindness. However, I'm appreciative so I don't have to pay someone as I am saving as much as possible to pay for services and help down the road. So....you have been a great role model for your children and now you must move over and let others do what you've been doing. Oh Yeah! No guilt.
We are in people's lives for a time and that is good. Seasons of our lives change and yours is to be a father. Bless you for your kindness.
If there are resources that will help him, get those started and wean him off you. It will take time, patience, and planning. Gradually be less available as the services step in more. If he "refuses," persist. Don't give in. Keep pushing back. Remind yourself that this is not negotiable; the situation has become unsustainable.
Being in reactive mode is really stressful and makes a person feel not in control of their own time. Start doing some planning so you're dealing with the situation in a more measured, controlled way. How you do this will depend on the details of the situation. Example: instead of answering every phone call all day, change it to you calling him once a day and finding out what he needs. Then decide what's important to address, how, and when. Let his calls go to voice-mail at the other times.
Here's the thing. You're going to feel awful and guilty and like a jerk. But those guilt feelings are what have landed you in this impossible situation. Those guilt feelings are not your friend, and you'll need to find strength and presence of mind to push them back while you put a new approach into place. Expect it to be hard, but it's hard *now* - so what version of hard do you choose?
It might help to remember your highest priority: your children. They need you to be present and healthy. That's job one.
You: your dad has an appointment two weeks on Monday. Would you be able to take him to that?
Daughter: sure.
Outcome: she doesn't turn up.
So, what did you do about that? Did you ask her why she didn't take him? What did she say? What did HE say?*
The thing is. There is one half-hearted flurry of attempts to "get them involved." They make positive noises but do nothing. And so you write them off! - and then groan under the burden of caring for their father, and despise them for that.
Well, don't! Get in touch with them and have a frank, practical discussion. If they really are as flaky as their father sounds then he's probably better off without their input anyway, but at least give them a chance. Don't drop hints when what is required is clear understanding.
* My money is on that he said "oh, okay, sure" when they rang to say they couldn't make it, and would he be able to get to his appointment on his own.
His daughter will have to care when you tell her that you CANNOT continue HER responsibility.
Medicaid offers transportation to doctor visits. Call them and see how he signs up. There maybe a small fee on his part.
I have been where you are. It started by taking my GFs Mom to doctor appts. Then my GFs husband found they couldn't make it on retirement so he went back to work. (GF had health problems from being a juvenile diabetic) So, we started driving her to Dr appts. Then the adult daughter that lived with them started having health problems, so we were asked to drive her. DH was retired but I was working one week on, one week off. In one month, we had 3 days each week taking one of them to doctors. Sometimes, the mother and daughter going to the same complex. I asked if couldn't they coordinate their appts so we could kill 2 birds with one stone. Also, all their drs were in DE and we all lived in NJ. It was only over the bridge but traffic is awful over there. I started getting resentful and taken advantage of. I got out of it by watching my grandson. I warned them months before so they could set up drivers. I no longer volunteer for anything. It tends to obligate you. If I am asked, then I would probably do it but I don't feel obligated.
That's part of why I can't just "drop him" like others (not in this forum) have suggested. I am trying to figure out how to set up contingencies so he'll be alright, then walk away.
And as for the legal part, it varies by state. Some do. Some don't. Yours may not. But others do. Some states treat it like child support and custody. I've been in the courtroom (as an assistant) and had to listen to these cases. Yes it's a thing.
I suggest ASAP you call Adult Protection Services. Just tell them u have allowed him to stay because of his friendship to GPa but you are finding he needs more help than you, with your own health problems and family, r able to give. If you know his relatives names and info, give it to them. No, they don't have to step up but APS will need to know that.
Here's how I feel about any situation like this, you find them the resources, its up to them to take advantage of them. Your responsibility is to your family.
You have to set boundries in the meantime. Use the virus as an excuse. Tell him everyone is in lockdown. You can't be running errands all over and bring the virus back to ur kids. Tell him to make a list of what he needs. And when and if you r out, you will pick them up. You may want to mention that running errands for him cannot be forever. You have kids that you need to do things for. Suggest he call his daughter.
You and your kids come first. Period. You are of no use when you're struggling and in ill health.
I would try to 'nicely approach' the family members, then if they balk (and i bet they do) you just go legal on them.
Doing too much for others often comes back to bite us, I have found. I'm still learning to pull back and let (make?) others take some of the responsibility that is theirs.
Wishing you the best.
I think OP needs to see a lawyer and may have to institute eviction process (may not be possible during era of Corona). OP may want to look for appropriate senior housing and get the guy on a wait list