How do I go about asking my friend to pay me for his care?

If he is ignoring your I think you have your answer. Let him know you will be moving if he needs to get someone else in. That should start the conversation. Be ready to follow through. Of course, always best to have these conversations up front before moving in.

He can hear you . My Dad does the same thing Pretends he doesnt hear what you are saying . I would tell him " I need a salary if I am going to stay other wise I Have to get back to my Business . " Just Be honest and if he Ignores you write him a Note or Letter .

So you decided to help your friend for free and list your only means of income? What is wrong with you? You need to get back to working a real job and tell friend you are no longer available.

It sounds like you may have put the "cart before the horse" in this case. I'd have no issue with someone asking if it were me being taken care of, however, it's time to turn the TV off and make some choices for yourself and to have the conversation that should have taken place a while ago.
You can gently tell him what you've said here in your post, and then offer to continue to stay, or you can tell him that you need to begin to make other arrangements for your living expenses. I actually think you need to move out due to the fact it seems as though he doesn't have money for you to aide him in the way he needs. Again though, and I say this in hopes that you gain some clarity over the situation, you need to state your intentions up front. It was nice of you to do this in the first place, but to him, the rules are being changed in the middle of the game. If you do move out, help him find someone who fits his situation in a more financial and compatible way.

You need to tell him that his needs have greatly increased since his stroke and your original agreement. You have given up most of your livelihood to meet these needs so you will need him to compensate you...and free room and board does not count as compensation. If he cannot come up with an agreement within the next two weeks you will be moving out. Shut off the tv if you have to.

You close the barn door before the horses leave...
You should have discussed compensation BEFORE taking care of your friend.
But now you just begin the discussion that you need to be paid.
You have to discuss what you can and can not do, what you will and you will not do.
Check the area where you live for the going rate for a caregiver.
Be very upfront and say that if he can not compensate you then he will have to find another caregiver.
If he will not pay you STOP caring for him.
Do not expect to get paid for what you have done in the past, if you do that's great but since there was no discussion about it you really can not expect it.

According to your profile, this friend is only 69 yrs old. He could need care for a very long time... I agree with others that you inadvertently did a "bait and switch" with him but consider that a lesson learned.

Honestly, you need to go back to a real, stable full-time job that pays into your SS and Medicare (and has benefits) so that you don't shaft yourself when it comes time for you to need ongoing help. I doubt he can pay you enough to make it worth the strain on your mind and body, anyway. If you're his only caregiver, 24/7 care is unsustainable on every level. And if you think his passive disrespect is bad now...just you wait until it ramps up (because it will).

This "friend" obviously is ignoring your request (and need!) to get paid so he's made it clear you're a convenience, not a friend from his point of view. Connect him (or report him) to social services for his county and then move out and move on. He can only take advantage of you if you allow it. So, don't.

What sort of deal is ALREADY MADE?
That is to say, are you getting free rent on his property, because that DOES count.

Now on to your question: This is what you say to your friend.
" Friend, I appreciate living here, and enjoy doing all I do for you, but I used to have my own work, and I cannot now do that work because of your needs. I am so sorry, but if you cannot pay me an hourly wage we can agree on for my care of you, I will have to move and return to my own job in order to maintain my life. We should do this formally with a contract in an attorney's office that stipulates my hours, what care I provide, and my salary, and you will need tax forms so that I can pay taxes on my salary."

It's all in all quite simple.
Now if your friend can be alone some hours you can ALSO do you other job. And perhaps come up with a contract for shared living expenses rather than "working for" which has tax implications. But an elder law attorney can give you options.

I am glad you are addressing this. Because here on forum we OFTEN see people end jobless, homeless, with a job history from taking on this type of caregiving without contract.

It comes down to this, he either pays you to make up for business lost or he pays big bucks to an agency for care or goes to an AL. Or, you keep your business and the hours your not available, he pays someone. Your business should come first. You have been only doing this care for a year so easier to back off and the stroke is a new thing that you are finding is taking too much of your time. You should not be giving ur life up for a friend.

Yes, turn off that TV and have a serious talk. Its not what he wants but what you are willing to give. Do not allow him to intimidate u.

Tell him that this isn’t working out for either of you. According to your profile, your friend is going to need ongoing support. You need an income. A deal is only good if both parties are satisfied.

If you feel like you should help your friend find the support that he needs, do so.

Are you willing to stay for a couple of weeks until he can find a new caregiver? I can guarantee that his new caregiver will not be working for free! Has your friend considered facility care?

Has your friend contacted Council on Aging to have a needs assessment done? That’s a good place to start. They can make recommendations for his future needs.

Best wishes to you.

You need to move out and go back to work. Let him know when that is happening, ie 30 or 60 days.

In the meantime, you need to put all of your energy into a plan to organize care resources for this person. This means aids, cooking, cleaning resources. Call a senior center for ideas. If he has any living family, you need to start transitioning this back to them.

Since he had a stroke, he may literally not be able to process what you’re saying. Look up stroke resources online also.

He basically needs a case manager to put together a plan for him, you or someone else is that person. Hopefully someone else, you’ve done enough.

To me, it seems like he needs assisted living! Some states will accept Medicaid for assisted living, some will not. I think he might want to use all his money for AL and then when he’s impoverished, he can live into a skilled nursing facility under Medicaid.

It’s a complicated situation and I wish you well.

Contact the family if he is not answering you. Let them know how your side business has dropped and you need some money to live on. If they don't offer some kind of payment, then let them know your move out day so they can hire someone or send a family member.

Please order a copy of the old paperback, "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty." After reading that, go and apply for jobs that pay well and offer benefits. Soon as you land that, start apartment hunting and give him the phone number for Visiting Angels. It's a win-win situation!

You give him an agreement or contract in writing.
Read it to him and ask him if he understands it.
If he says "yes," have him sign it with a line above the signature block:
"I've read this agreement and agree to it."
And a date line.

As I do, I provide a rate sheet.
However, you could outline what you do / did, and will continue to do, along with days and times.

Are you willing to be on a 24/7 call basis?
Be very clear on what you want to commit to.

The fee per hour is up to you.
You cannot blame him for you losing your business as this was your decision.
You need to assess what you are willing to do, can financially do, and make that very clear. As you say he is a 'family friend,' does he have any family?
Are any legal documents drawn up?

Do realize that since you live in his home, and if he pays you, you are considered an employee. There is no such arrangement as free rent for caregiving. It will or could get very messy, legally. (I researched this figuring I could have a caregiver move into my friend's apt in exchange for lower rent. However, since you know him, it may be somewhat different. As an employee, he is supposed to provide you tax forms (W2's), pay into your social security, etc. If he gives you a flat hourly, consider that you are required to pay your own taxes - so add this in.

I went to a law library and looked up live-in caregivers.
You might want to do the same.
It can be a nightmare since it isn't 'just a friend helping out.' You are an official employee. If you make other arrangements, be clear on what they are so no issues tax time.

If he continues to 'stare at the TV,' there is your answer. And, I actually disagree with this statement. You have allowed him to ignore you. Why?

You need to develop a 'back bone' and feel that you deserve to be paid for your work (which you are now doing - and that is good, of course). If you do not believe in yourself, no one else will. Certainly, he has gotten a very good deal over this year. He should be thanking his lucky stars and bowing to you in appreciation, figuratively speaking.

And, you've been doing this for free for the past year. It is no surprise that he 'likes' the arrangement as it is and doesn't want it to change. Although another person might/could be 'happy' to pay you - realizing all the time you are putting into him/his care and realizing that you need an income. Others would be appreciative and realize how generous you've been and THANK you.

If he doesn't agree with your contract / Agreement, tell him you need to find a job outside of his home and that he'll need to find someone else to take on most of the responsibilities that you've been providing.

As I was told, when making arrangements for reduced fees or no fees, have in writing that this agreement is valid for xxx and will need to be discussed / renewed at that time. So you are not locked into an arrangement that is open ended, esp when offering lower fees.

Decide, if he doesn't want to pay you, if you want to move out or not.
This would be a mutual decision, if he wants you to stay. Be clear on how much time you need to move out and how the arrangement will work out until that time re will you continue to help him?

I believe you cannot get compensated for lost time. You made this decision on your own as a 'good friend' and you didn't ask for any compensation.
You will need to make an agreement from present time moving forward.

Be prepared mentally and emotionally for him to 'get mad' and perhaps scream, if he's a screamer. He is / may be scared and wonder "what am I going to do now?" (without you). He will take out his fears on you.

What is his financial situation?
Does he own the home?
Does he have family?
Is he living on soc sec or medicaid ?
If he has family, you might want to discuss this with them, TOO.

Put yourself first. He won't. He is focused on his own health challenges.

Gena / Touch Matters

Subrinagreen: You may have to draw up a formal contract in order to receive a wage.

Your friend should have gone into assisted living at the start. It's wonderful you helped him in his need. Someday someone might do that for you - and at no charge. You're a "stand up" person.

Lots of things in this world are free. Love is. People help people all the time without expectation of getting paid. I totally understand though you need time to earn a living. Most people do. The good things is you can restart your business and start earning again. Many people don't have that luxury.

Your friend should be in a place with 24/7 professional, caring care. Then you can visit in your FREE time.

You know what I would do in this instance? You went in with this feeling no problem I can still have my business. Then found his stroke took up more time than u had. You should have said "this won't work because I am now losing business". Then it was up to your friend to hire help. If he could not afford it, then try in home Medicaid. If he needs most of his ADLs done, then he needs care in a facility.

I would not even try to make any kind of agreement with this person since he already ignores u. I would tell him as soon as u get ur ducks in a row, you will be leaving. That this type of "caring" u found u cannot do. You need to work because it looks like he is not going to pay you. Before you leave, call in Office of Aging or Adult Protection services. Be honest and tell them the man is a friend that u thought u could help but not where u lost business because of the care he needs. He needs more than you can give. Then u can leave knowing he is set up with an agency. Do it now, because the longer ur there, the longer it will be harder to get out of.

If your friend is not willing to pay you, then you need to make adjustments in your relationship. It is kind of you to care for him, but you need resources to support your life too. Start off by telling him how much money you need to support yourself. Ask him if he is willing to pay you this amount since most caregivers are compensated for their help. If he ignores you, take it as a "no." Then, start making arrangements to rebuild your business until it can support you again. Let him know that he will need help from others for the times you are unavailable.

Perhaps he does not understand you or care you provide.
You need to meet family and explain what you do and how much time you spend on cleaning, cooking, medical appointments, personal care, be very specific.
The more info you provide the better.
If they just make assumption you are providing little help AKA as women’s work, (not much just a little help here and there) then you need to stand up for yourself.
Either he pays you or you need to leave and work on reestablishing your business.

This is not a friend. This is a codependent. He thinks he is providing you room and board and that is enough. It isn't. As others say, this will get worse. If he can't listen to you there is no conversation to have. Make arrangements to restart your own life, give him notice, and move out.