And my anxiety about our financial future? We have large house with 2000 sq. ft of trains and hundreds of kits still in boxes, one 76 year old husband with serious hand involvement from diabetes who wants more, more, more, a community property state and an anxious bi-polar wife who is afraid of running out of money
It sounds as though your husband's diabetes may be kicking in cognitive issues. He needs a checkup to see if there is a dementia situation here. Either way, you may need to take over finances completely or turn your finances over to an expert (your bank should be able to help). Then, an allowance would be set up and he could use that but no more.
Good luck with this tough problem,
Carol
"According to Donald Black from the University of Iowa, as quoted in Esperanza magazine, nearly two-thirds of all shopaholics struggle with depression or anxiety."
More than likely this behavior, if it is new, is most likely a symptom of something. As I said before, it could be depression or anxiety. Men do not necessarily have the same symptoms in depression that women do. When I went though a bout of clinical depression, I would sleep for hours on end, not eat much, not want to be around anyone, feel "weepy", etc.. On the other hand, my dad spent almost $16k in a year, constantly angry, irritable, insomnia, never happy (even on good days), nitpicked everything (cooking, my kids, me, my job, etc.), ruminated endlessly about bad things that happened years ago, etc.. *Many* months later he admitted that he was depressed and that he felt he'd been "reaching for something" to make him feel better. He never did meds but I came up with a big list of things that he could do anytime he felt that need to buy things.
Ultimately, is this a totally new behavior or a lifelong, old behavior for him? For a new behavior, I'd talk to his doc. For an old behavior (old habits), you'll have to try something else. Redirect him to something else perhaps? Try cleaning a bit of his collection with him. Maybe enjoying the collection as it is will be just as satisfying as adding a new piece. Best of luck to you!
They can still live with the "ex" spouse to provide care they need, and benefit by sharing a roof and utilities, still share assets, but assets are now handled differently than they are when co-mingled under Joint Property.
Each party has their own account; may have a joint account to help shift funds appropriately.
One bipolar woman I know, with a husband with long history of alcoholism and gambling has gradually been developing more dementia. She gradually took more control of managing their assets, when it was clear that he'd cause them to both be homeless, if she didn't do that.
She set up separate accounts for each of them, which she can access [his included], as well as keeping a joint account. She makes sure all deposits go to her account, which he cannot access. She moves his monthly allowance to his account.
She had to do this, because trying to talk-it-out with him, was like throwing herself at a brick wall; he simply couldn't understand the adverse impact his alcohol and gambling had, nor could he grok what damages he'd done.
This will NOT protect her from bad debts he incurs.
She will likely be liable, even after he dies.
Her health is no great shakes either; he could outlive her.
She has been trying to take legal steps to protect what assets they have left, for both of them.
It's frustrating to be in that "between times" dementia too minimal to pronounce, yet it's potentially still dangerous to health and welfare. Getting his Doc to fully understand how dangerous the "minimal dementia" is, can be tough.
=== Sometimes this can be remedied by taking him to a different Doctor [Elder specialized, please!]. BEFORE that appointment, either in a letter, or a preliminary appointment you have with the new Doc to discuss the situation BEFORE your DH sees the new Doc, graph out clearly, what the husband is doing, which demonstrates how he's changed, not rational, making bad choices, causing harm to himself and you financially, which could become physically....Behaviors that show his dementia more clearly, than the Doc is likely to observe during the office visit.
Some elders are such great "show timers", they can seem fairly rational, for upwards of 2 hours interview with Social Workers....it's up to the caregiver to make sure observers know what goes on when they are not observing.
Let The New Doc know: you need your spouse properly diagnosed, legally pronounced incompetent, in order to put both your affairs in order.
IF that Doc refuses to diagnose or pronounce, ask why. If "why" is due to not being advanced enough, ask the Doc if there must first be a catastrophe, before the person can be pronounced incompetent, because, sat this point, "catastrophe" does not just harm the dementia'd spouse, it also harms you, his caregiver!
Often, Docs fail to see things like that, unless the caregiver is clear and succinct about describing it.
My husband has a cognative disorder and is on oxygen 24/7...has racked up massive credit card debt. I have thrown money at attorneys who have told me that I am in limbo because his mental health is not bad enough for him to require guardianship. I can't reason with him since logic does not work with mental illness. Open your own checking account, get your name off his credit cards and try to monitor his spending as well as you can. Good Luck.
Grace + peace,
Bob
You don't say if husband has any mental impairments. Has he always been a frivolous spender, or is this new. Changes in mental status and behavior should be reported to his doctor.