My mother and I both believe in the right to die and have had several talks about it. My problem isn’t that she may want to die before dementia takes everything away as it did for her mother but that I won’t understand that she is serious when the moment comes. This is something we should have discussed years ago but we didn’t and now it just hangs in the air. What to do? What to do?
This is what my province's (BC, Canada) rules are about consent in assisted dying. I would imagine they're similar to other places that have assisted dying:
"Medical assistance in dying can only be provided to persons who can give consent. Consent through an alternate or substitute decision maker or through a personal advance directive is not applicable. (If a person is capable of providing informed consent but is physically unable to sign a request, another person may sign the request under the patient’s express direction)."
source: https://www2.gov.bc.ca/gov/content/health/accessing-health-care/home-community-care/care-options-and-cost/end-of-life-care/medical-assistance-in-dying
But then I realized maybe you were talking about life support or life saving treatment, once your mom has dementia. All I can say is that I just (literally, last Monday) decided to stop my mom's dialysis and let hospice care take over, which is basically a choice to let her die a natural death from renal failure.
Everyone said I'd know when the time came, and I didn't believe them. But I do know, it turns out.
It came when she stopped getting any enjoyment out of anything. When I told her my brother was coming up to visit and she barely reacted. When I asked her how she felt and she stopped saying, "A little bit better today," like she always does. When the doctor told mom and I (last Monday) that dialysis wasn't really helping anymore and mom just looked at me. I just knew. (What I SAID was I had to talk to my brother before deciding anything, but I must have known even then, because I made the case to him that it was time.)
I worried about knowing when it was time, for ages. But now that I KNOW I know, I don't worry that it's the wrong time anymore.
I read ur previous posts and you say Mom is declining. If you don't have Hospice you may want to consider it. They will evaluate Mom and if she meets their criteria, she will be kept comfortable.
Get a living will, ASAP, stipulating her wants. I had one done for my father and we stated in it that if he was asked if he wanted a medical procedure done, and he was unable to answer, don't do it! And I had it notarized! You don't need the state accusing you of euthanasia!
Also, stipulate that at some point in time, your mother wishes to stop all medications.
My dad decided to stop dialysis and I called Hospice immediately - they came out and interviewed Pop the same day and we discussed everything while he was still able to communicate. Without his medications and dialysis, he was allowed to pass peacefully 5 days later.
But get it all in writing! Cover yourself.
Plan ahead people . . .you never know when you’ll need it.
she was like this before her stroke and she continues to listen to help herself I sure don’t wish this on anybody
Loving her to death has a different meaning when the end is near.
Hugs to you and you dear mother, and may God guide and comfort you.
Fortunately, our family was lucky enough to have Mom's long-term family doctor bring up a DNR. My Mom's dementia diagnosis had occurred that year, and the doctor brought up the DNR form as a "must have" in a follow-up appointment after one of many hospitalizations. After giving Mom time to ask and answer questions about the latest hospital stay, the doctor took it on herself to tell Mom it was time to complete a DNR. She explained in simple terms that this was being done to let her wishes be made clear to the "medical folks" on what Mom's wishes were on measures to keep her alive going forward if her heart or breathing stopped.
She asked Mom a few simple questions about CPR, initiating use of a respirator or feeding tubes, then stepped out and returned with a basic DNR form. From Mom's answers then and prior conversations they'd had, she completed the form and had my Mom sign it before the end of that appointment.
I'm not sure if this answers your exact question, but 3 years later when paramedics were called to my 92-year old Mom's home by the night caregiver, I was very glad to have this form to answer their questions on the phone to me. The main question was about CPR and whether my Mom ever talked about her wishes. I was extremely relieved to have the clear DNR and to have had the family dr bring up this form when I was not able to.
Best wishes to you and your Mother.
good luck to you