I feel like I am at my wits end.
My elderly, selfish father, just can't act with other people's interests in mind. He is constantly asking to go out. I keep on explaining that it really isn't safe right now.
Yesterday he started asking to go shopping from the minute I woke up at 7.30am. By 9am, I had enough and started yelling at him (I lost my cool) asking him, to at least think of my health, if not his own. He doesn't wear the mask properly, doesn't keep social distancing, forgets to wash his hands when he comes in. I had done all the grocery shopping in the week, I had taken him to a Dr.s appointment that couldn't be rescheduled. I feel like I'm out all the time.
Then it hit me, he really doesn't care. He has always been a very selfish, arrogant man. And my mother is very passive, she does what he tells her.
I refused to take him shopping, so he jumped in the car and took himself. He is blind in 1 eye and has limited vision in the other. So it's obvious to me, he doesn't care about anybody. I reported him to the appropriate services, re driving when not capable. But now I feel spent. I have not been able to look at him or my mother today. They are so selfish, the only thing that matters is what they want.
I feel I'm wasting my life here, under the illusion that I am obliged as their daughter to help them. I have 1 brother who lives overseas and never sees them or helps out. I need advice from people like me, who said "enough's enough" and walked away. They won't go into ALF or get home help (that's me), so when I leave, they'll be on their own.
You can not change him. You will not change him.
It sounds like ALF would not be a good fit for your father he would be better in Memory Care as he declines. Mom would fare well in ALF.
Are they both aware that they will be on their own when you leave? And when do you plan on leaving?
If mom is cognizant you need to explain to her that she will be on her own to care for her husband and she will be responsible for his well being. If she can not do this the only option would be to place him. And if she can not care for herself on her own she would be better is ALF.
Begin the search for a facility that has both ALF and MC for them and as soon as restrictions have been lifted and facilities are accepting residents you should help with placing dad. If mom can be on her own no need for pushing her into a move. At some point your dad does not get to make the decision about where he is going to be, that is part of the dementia, you can not be relied upon to make safe decisions.
Might also want to consult with an Elder Care Attorney and begin paperwork for POA for health, finances and if there is a possibility that they will have to apply for Medicaid that can be done or at least prepare for it.
But after all this...
If someone does not want help you can not force it on them so if you do leave and return to your life do not regret it. (I dislike using the "guilty" word)
I can’t BEGIN to understand the mess we’re living in right now, and to the best of my knowledge, I have none of those three issues.
It doesn’t matter all that much now whether he did or didn’t care about anyone before dementia and sensory deprivation became influences in his life, but IT DOES matter in terms of what you do to yourself in attempting to manage him.
If you consider that your statement he “.....just can’t act with other people’s interests in mind” is TRUE, doesn’t that help you to valve a little of your anger?
He CAN’T. That means that he is unable, in his present condition, to do what you know he needs to do.
SO YOU job is to keep HIM safe, and keep him from hurting others, and at the same time treat yourself with respect and kindness.
The car MUST be disabled. It sounds as though neither parent is independent, so whether they yell, swear, insult, WHATEVER, they are not able to deal with reality because their reality is eroding.
YOU can start researching local ALs without mentioning to them that you are doing so. YOU can research part day aides and assistance services. You KNOW that they will object, so DON’T involve them in your first steps. You need to know, and they don’t.
When there is a precipitating incident, you will be ready with alternatives and either you, or if they are able, THEY will be able to make a choice.
If you ultimately decide to walk away, your research will give you more room to do so. You are most definitely NOT alone in this. We’re ALL HERE!
First, more info would be helpful.
- Are you their durable PoA?
- Have either parent been diagnosed by a doctor with dementia or cognitive issues?
- What is their financial condition?
- How old are they, how old are you?
- Are you living in their house, or you in theirs?
Answers to these questions will be important to helping you make decisions. If you walk away and they resist help and their living conditions and health conitnue to deteriorate your only option will be to call APS. Social Services can and will eventually pursue guardianship and will get them placed into facilities. You will be standing on the sidelines watching this dumpster fire. But SS will control everything, even where they are placed, and you won't be privy to any financial access or information until they pass. If you can live with this, this is what will most likely happen if you walk away. And still no one would blame you if you do.
Often our parents' generation didn't make plans for care since they "assumed" it would just be their children's duty and the children would do it. Us children were never consulted whether we wanted in on this plan, and even if we did times and circumstances change as life rolls on, making helping them much more difficult, time-consuming and financially draining. They never imagined that 1 month in AL for 1 person would cost over $2K and more and many were not able to save enough no matter how frugal they were.
No matter what you decide to do, I wish you peace in your heart and a path forward to help them to be helped.
P.S. If you suspect your dad is a danger on the road to himself or others you MUST take away his ability to drive -- by taking the keys or disabling or removing the car. Come back to the forum for lots of practical advice on how to accomplish this.
Disable the car and get dad's license revoked.
Make arrangements for home health that is paid for with their money.
Once you have home health care help, take time for yourself and your needs. "Visit" less often to take care of (weekly) necessities and to make sure they are being kept safe and healthy.
When COVID-19 is done, evaluate whether ALF or home health care is the better option for your parents. If your dad's impulsivity creates problems for the home health care staff, he may really need memory care or nursing home care rather than ALF.
I don't believe that any of us have the "right" answer to all - but safety must come first. Do No Harm DNH, is our responsibility as caregivers, family members to assure we protect others, ourselves and our loved ones.
I rely on my faith to give me strength, my friends are good listeners (most of the time) however, I like this forum as you can express your feelings without judgment. I no longer feel ashamed - but I do ask myself is there an unresolved issue I have not come to terms with. May you find the right course of action and I just read all the responses so far and you've been given some great ideas. Take care.
Caring for seniors is VERY challenging, especially, if one of them has dementia. Mine don't yet, but, I'm doing that right now and it's very challenging, because, they get bored too. They are not tech savy, so they can't use the computer for amusement. Add to it, that they aren't getting visitors like before and it's a perfect storm for unrest.
Have you talked to his doctor to see if his meds need adjusting? I would definitely consider if it's time for him to stop driving. That is a top priority. You could use the virus regulations to help with your contentions.
I'll add that I'm having a more difficult time getting my YOUNG family members to comply with covid-19 regulations than should be necessary. They show up with NO mask for casual visits to their senior grandparent's house, who have been sheltering at home for WEEKS, as if they have no idea what's going on! They seem clueless and if you do venture out, notice all the people who have no excuse, who IGNORE social distancing requirements AND who just ride around, visiting friends, and doing things that are NOT on the essential services lists. It's beyond infuriating, to me. Ok rant over. lol
So, I do understand your frustration. It's very stressful. My dad rides with me when I go to pick up groceries. I pop the trunk and they just put them in, so we don't have to get out of the car, just prepay online. But, still, my dad says that he needs to get out of the car for one reason or another. I say absolutely NOT! And, he doesn't even have dementia. I think they are just antsy, want to feel needed, want to seem normal again.
As you contemplate what course you will take, I will say that I have decided to return to my recently renovated home. I set it aside to keep as a haven one of us could go if we get the virus that would separate us from those who are not sick. But, once things are stable, I'm done. Hands on caregiving is just not something that I can do with my parents, and they don't even have dementia.
So, I'd likely make some arrangements so if you decide to leave, you can make the transition smooth.
In the meantime, I've learned some relaxation techniques of breathing, envisioning relaxing locations, and watching inspirational music videos. I'm going to send a link for one to you by PM. I've watched a many times, since it aired on tv Friday night. It's a performance made by Celine Dion, Borcelli, John Legend and Lady GaGa singing from their own individual locations, but, together for the song The Prayer. It helps me to watch it.