How do I maintain patience with my overly paranoid 98-year-old mother?

My 95 yo mother, who lived by herself - insisted on living by herself - was the same way. Everything and anything I said/did garnered negative comments/suggestions. Her mental capabilities were sharp and attempting diversions never worked with her. I subjected to hearing about how every single thing in the world would either affect me, impact me, destroy my life or even kill me--the food shortages, the droughts, the forest fires, the home invasions, the road rage, the younger ages of criminals, etc etc. but given that she fled her country and home during WW2, never to return, every visit entailed her prophesizing the end of the world, especially via nuclear attacks. EVERY SINGLE VISIT was nothing but this. She would continually overstep any and all boundaries I would set. And yes, I was the only child and only family member she had.

At first I would try to divert her attention, but because later years in life most seniors have lost the majority of their friends and the few they have left are tired and weary as well and would no longer answer calls from her as frequently as they did. And neighbors, well, they have their own lives to live and can only hold so much space for someone like her.

Diverting her attention she would take what I was diverting with and Uturn it back to the gloom and doom. It was just who she was and how she was because her entire life at 95 consisted of watching tv, especially the news, nonstop. I tried to get her interested in other things - books, crafts, etc, with no success.

I would see her about 2-3 times a week to help her- clean her condo, grocery shop, dr. visits, etc. And when I was leaving, every single time, she wanted me to call her when I got home to make sure I wasn't in an accident on the way home or was carjacked or something that would take me out of her world. At nearly 70yo, it irritated the heck out of me. But I would do it because otherwise she would call my phones (cell and home) and/or my husbands (who needs his phones cuz he is self-employed with customers calling) - calling every 15 minutes for hours at a time until I answered (and yes, way into the nighttime hours- and if I didn't answer she would call the police to do a wellness check!!!). So, calling her when I got home would circumvent the annoyance.

Over 30 years, my patience wore thin numerous times. After 18 years, my husband refused to see her or interact with her (cuz every conversation was about everything negative, including what if he died and I was left penniless, etc etc...) And I didn't blame him one bit - it wasn't his mother. And yes, she did cause stress in my marriage, but we were able to deal with it (thank goodness for his good nature)

So, how to deal with her - I just tried my best not to respond and engage to what she said. Would just say 'yup, you're right' and leave it at that. (cuz no amount of rational information would change her at 95yo) And after her visits, I would go home and have to take a hour long nap to 'recharge'.

My mother passed away at 95 in 2021, and I hate to say, but no, I do not miss her in any way. She was like this her entire life--her unrealistic neediness and her stubborness, coupled with her over the top narcissism drove a gap in our relationship and how I was able to live my life. It is only now at 70 yo that I can finally live my life.

MattyWelch: Perhaps you will have to limit your phone conversations with her. i.e. the minute she starts with an acrimonious tone, you said something akin to 'My meal just finished cooking. I must go before it burns. Talk to you another day.'

Oh I understand- My MIL
has never been a nice person . She does not even know her 9 grown with children grand daughters or any of her any of our grand children as she never wanted anything to do with the children . she wrote off my step daughters as soon as their mother and father (my husband ) divorced. They considered my mom their grand mother . She has alienated her own 74yr old daughter who after years of verbal assaults and abuse finally walked away. The only one looking to her needs is her son (my husband) and me only as moral support for my husband. She is 97, never been wrong about anything, very demanding , and has child like temper tantrums if she is not getting her way. She is very hard to be around and even though I know the dementia she is experiencing is not her fault it’s hard to have any sympathy at all.

I can definitely relate. Since most of your conversations are over the phone, perhaps keep a list of reminders next to your phone. Neutral or general topics to switch to when the conversation goes south. And reminders to yourself on how to (or not) respond.

A Geriatric Psychiatrist can offer her medications to deal with her fear and anxiety. It is not healthy to listen to news (especially repetitive news) all the time.

During covid I have immersed myself in animal zoo programs where they promote health and happiness for their animals. It has been a joyous blessing most of the time...........I just hate when they have to put an animal down and I sit there with my box of tissues. Here's a list of showings on Animal Planet. (https://reelgood.com/tv/source/animal_planet_go)

Hopefully, these suggestions will divert her attention to more positive and healthy subjects for discussion.

Cut back on the phone calls! As you’ve figured out, she isn’t interested in your world. Sadly, that seems to be the norm for many nonagenarians. Keep in mind that all nonagenarians are constantly aware that the Giant Sledgehammer of Death is poised right above their heads, so they should be excused for their annoying attitudes of gloom and doom. We’ll all be like that someday ourselves if we live that long.

When my wife started to get dimentia I was impatient with her and probably mean at times. (Part of my personality as a business ceo) Once I learned she had dementia my whole attitude changed. I realized much of what she said was not really her. I learned to just ignore it because I knew in a few minutes it would all be forgotten. I took a lesson from a business associate who told me when dealing with difficult customers always give them hope but never promise anything.
just last night my wife wanted to go to bed. (The one I sleep in) I convinced her she was already in bed and is more comfortable and better for me to keep it clean when she wets the diaper. It is really more about your own attitude.

Yes, say to yourself:
"At least she doesn't have dementia and is crapping all over the place."
"At least she doesn't have dementia and actually can listen to the news and comprehend some of it."
"At least she doesn't have dementia and screams I hate you I wish you had never been born, every time I tell her she has to take a shower."

Don't tell her about all the things and people and activities going on outside her immediate environment. They might provide you with some opportunity to vent or to fill time, but they are of no interest or value to your mother. Talk about what conerns your mother.

Oh my goodness, thanks guys. She called again this morning with the same oh my God, you're going to get monkeypox and give it to your grandchildren because the news said that the CDC said people aren't paying attention. It may be true that certain vulnerable populations aren't heeding the CDC as much as they should, but I'm still going to the show and I'm still staying in a hotel. I'll wear a mask because the host thinks it's a good thing, and it is a big crowd, so I'm fine with that. But I'm not gonna take crazy extraordinary measures. I did what was suggested by you guys, basically spoke to her the way you would a young child and then redirected to a fun thing that the family did yesterday. It worked! We got off the phone in a much calmer spirit. She'll never change, I realize that she's had some mental illness her whole life. But now I realize that I don't have to get so upset about it. Thank you thank you thank you! This forum has been a lifesaver. Or at least a sanity saver.

Sad to say it comes from knowing her good years are behind her and she’s jealous that you are still enjoying your life. My 94 y/o mother does the same thing to me. I yes her to death and then go do what I want. Acknowledge you can’t change her and make the best of it.

Accept that your mother will never change. The next time a negative thing is said, tell your mother it makes you unhappy and perhaps it is not a good time to talk, then just hang up to try another time.

Isn’t it just awful!? Our moms sound alike. Mine is also 98 and I am 65. It didn’t dawn on me until a few years back that mom has been negative ALL MY LIFE and I have tried my utmost to ‘make things better’ and ultimately I can’t and I’ve felt guilty all my life and it grinds me down. I’m scared to speak because she will come back with something negative. Every time my SIL visits she moans moans moans about her to me after she’s gone. It’s because SIL is ‘different’ and doesn’t suck up to mom. . .. although the moans ceased when mum was in hospital SIL stepped up and showed her kindness.
I know it’s hard but if you can find a way to see the funny side of the negativity, even if it’s insane laughing with shear madness. Tell a sympathetic friend the story and giggle. We can’t stop them from a lifetime of negativity. So it’s minimum contact, switch off, try to laugh, and don’t feel guilty.
I have comments from friends and neighbours who tell me what a good job I am doing with mom so I’m not totally callus where she is concerned. I’m overjoyed when she’s happy.
I can also identify with your comment about 40 year old daughter switching off from you too, when mine (35) does it it makes me feel invisible. I bite my lip and offload with the few close friends around me I count myself lucky to have and have a decent conversation with them. Sometimes it’s with my dog, although she knows anyway.
You are not alone.
Kind regards and sincerely good wishes from a fellow sufferer.

I pray to Jesus Christ alot he is my best friend. Pray for her and your self before you call. It will help if you can forgive her.. for yourself...Her negativity is about her mindset and no reflection on you. She has to be pretty miserable to be so negative.
If you could perhaps try not to take her negativity personally and prepare yourself for that before the call that may help. I know this is easier said than done.

She sounds very isolated. Can you get a hearing aid for her? The FDA just approved them for over-the-counter, less than $250 for a real hearing aid, no doctor required. Or a phone amplifier device. A great relationship can't happen over the phone exclusively. I wonder if you could each get an Alexa Show (the Amazon device with a screen) or another user-friendly screen device. And see if some activities can be planned for her to get away from the dreadful news, or find some happy channels. TV is pretty dreadful for shut-ins, with commercials and bad news and murder mysteries. Help her find the good channels. The best "channel" could be her grandkids over the Alexa device.

OMG I could have written this. My mother is the same age and is exactly the same way, adding negativity to it. She always looks at the bad side of things. At least you get it by phone, she lives with me so I get it 24/7. If we’re sitting on the porch, she points out all the crummy looking trees and flowers that are dying, if we watch a ball game on TV she gets annoyed that both teams are wearing the same color and it’s hard to figure which team is which, if I call her doctor to refill a prescription, and they don’t do it immediately, she gets mad. If I’m a little late getting back from an errand, she is calling me, thinking I got into an accident. You get my idea. I completely understand how you feel. My mantra every morning is “please, God, teach me patience when all day long my heart is troubled by troublesome crosses”. I actually say it several times a day if she is in a bad mood. I remind myself that there will come a day when she will no longer be here and I will miss all the negativity. I also think (in my mother’s case at least) at 98, they are tired of living. I wish you peace.

Does it occur to anyone else that whether we are 63 years old, or 5, we often communicate with our mothers and expect them to communicate with us, as children rather than as intelligent, concerned adults?

You will not change her.. I would do short calls more often. My mom at 89 really can not have deep conversations. The news is always so bad …so she thinks the world is all bad. I try to remember if I have the privilege of having a long life I will do the same to my daughter.. get counseling it helped me develop better patience and understanding of advanced elderly behaviors.

Some people are just Eeyores for life, even when they’re trying to be supportive.

On health concerns, I might say, “I hear ya mom, but our doctors say it’s ok.” Throw in an alternative medicine provider. “It’s really ok now, and by the way Billy made the team.”

She will probably argue that he for sure will get CTE, in which case just redirect with that we’ve checked with the experts and it’s fine.

After 63 years, you've had about enough negativity and advice coming from your mother. I know. I had the same situation myself. At my wedding in 2009, my mother couldn't even congratulate me b/c she was SO worried I'd left my windows unlocked at the house. The Boogeyman could have snuck in while I was saying my vows, waiting to kill me and my new husband when we got back from our honeymoon, that was her message to me. It just reaches a point where you can't talk about anything that's 'neutral territory' w/o some negative message sneaking in there sideways.

I don't have a calming mantra for you to use, I'm sorry to say. Just set a timer for 5 minutes and if/when the convo goes south, ring that bell and get OFF the phone in a hurry. Bye ma, someone's at the door, gotta GO! TTYL.

It's really the only way to deal with her negativity and save your own sanity. Respect is a 2 way street, by the way. I'm sure you've asked her to respect YOUR wishes a few thousand times already & stop with all the naysaying & free advice, right? But that never happens no matter how many times you ask. So now it's your turn to hang up the phone when the aggravation reaches a certain limit. It really IS possible to have a normal conversation with our mothers; they've just chosen to ramp things up to a whole new level of heartburn.

Good luck!

Talk about only the most inane topics possible, like the weather, what’s blooming outside, recipes, etc. Keep family news brief, give her little information to feed the fire of negativity. Listen to as much as you can take emotionally and get off the phone.

I guess just expect her to do what she does and let it roll off your back. Don't engage. Just say something light and vague like "oh, I guess that could happen". No sense arguing or trying to get her to see that what she's doing is unnecessary and annoying.