My Mom had talked about making an apple cake for our holiday get together. She was unable to do anything regarding the food.
Three days ago she started to make an apple cake. She got as far as measuring the flour and everything else has sat on her counter for three days. She swears she will make this cake but I am wondering when. Next month? When the flour is too old? She keeps saying she is going to make this cake but I am skeptical. She is 92 years old and the flour, etc. has been sitting on her kitchen countertop for three days. The apples are going bad and I don't know what to do. My question is this: How do you make a family member realize that they are in denial with the things they want to do? They will not be able to do what they want to do? I am tired of this.
Mom would then be so disgusted that she would just disregard the whole idea.
Can you fill us in? Does Mom live with you or alone?
You say she is in fairly good health on some other questions, but you have not filled in your profile on her. Does she have a history of dementia?
You might try making this a "do it together" or a "Gee, Mom can we do this together so you can teach me how to do this delicious cake of yours" approach. I see others have suggested that you just put the ingredients away, or that you do allow Mom to do "her thing" with her cake. You seems to have good reasons why none of the suggestions will work. If that is the case, then do know that of the problems we are seeing today this may be the lightest one in terms of a mom in her 90s.
Sure wish you good luck, hope this wonderful cake gets made and wish you all happy eating!
It sounds to me like she has dementia. Trying to make her realize that she's in denial about her independence level changing is not going to happen.
She needs help now. So get her some. If she lives alone get her some homecare that can help her cook and feel independent. The right home aide/companion can make all the difference in her life.
I worked in homecare for a long time. I remember with distinction one old Italian lady I worked for. She was about 90 and lived with her daughter's family. She had some dementia and mobility issues. She couldn't cook anymore like she did but she wanted to have things made when everyone got home from work and school.
I spent three afternoons a week "cooking" with her. I knew how to make the dishes and I'd do about 98% of the work and clean up while we drank coffee and spoke in Italian.
The right homecare aide can make all the difference. Try getting one for your mother. They will take her out too.
Now I'm on the hunt for a phone that she may still be able to manage. Not sure how this will go but I'm willing to invest the time.
When her sewing machine became too complicated for her to use, I found an inexpensive, simpler one. At the store, I made sure she agreed that I wasn't going to help her with this machine. If she couldn't set it up, thread it and use it, it was going to get returned (and there was a restocking fee that nearly made her flip her wig). She got it home. She managed to get it out of the box. She apparently threaded it but then the bobbin "somehow" became a bird's nest of errant thread. She asked me to return it. I reminded her of the restocking fee (this time simmering rather than fuming about it). When we got home I said, "We're done with sewing now."
The same thing happened with the humidifier. The same is happening with the microwave. And the phone is in process.
Actually my Mom surprised me with how she accepted giving up sewing and the humidifier. I think it was because I didn't insert myself therefore she couldn't point a finger at me as a reason for her problems. It was all her. So, you may need to stay out of it for your Mom to come to a place of acceptance on her own. Like with my Mom, it may take a while.
You need to help her find ways to feel useful.
As I mentioned having her "teach" you to do some of the baked goods that she takes great pride in.
Letting her help do small tasks like some laundry, letting her dust, if it is safe do some dishes or load the dishwasher. Sure you might have move some things around or rewash a pot or pan. Let her put napkins out for dinner, get the salt and pepper to the table.
I do wish my Mom had showed me how she fried chicken. I was in my late 40s when she died, and didn't realize how any questions I had that I wished I'd asked.
Christmas 2022 was the last time I let my Mom make the Panettone without my close supervision. Her judgement is very off and a long ingredient and instruction list just messes her up. This year I made sure her grandson was there and he ran interference for me when she wound up about how to proof the yeast (she was totally wrong). Mostly I asked her to chop and cut and measure. It's bittersweet that she needs so much help now. It is what it is.
If your Mom mentions making the cake, find a reason to do it together.
So, either start over and do it together or take her shopping to get a nice one from a bakery.
I don't like to bake and the recipe is lengthy and I don't want to have to peel, core and shred three large apples. Sorry that this sounds selfish but that is the way it is with me. She is not fond of bakery cakes. She is old fashioned and feels they should be home made.
As we age, I am 81, it can be very difficult to come to the terms with things that we can no longer do. Very, very difficult especially with regard to our families and kids. If you can help your mom with a slow, gentle realization of the things that she still *can* do, I think it will be very beneficial to her. If you haven't realized this already, it takes an immense amount of patience to deal with a parent as they age.
I'm not even going to talk about the patience required of ourselves as we age with bodies and brains rebelling and no longer following orders! :-)
She is beyond the understanding mindset, she is old and tired. You are expecting more than she has left to give.
I like Funky's idea let her buy a cake next time. I wouldn't make a big deal out of this, clean up the counter and forget about it.
So give your poor mom a break and either assist her in finishing the apple cake or tell her that next time you'll just take her to a nice bakery where she can just buy one.
She may never accept or understand that she can no longer do the things she used to, so it will be up to you now, to be the understanding and patient one, and just enjoy whatever time you may have left with your mom.
You do not give any info about mom. Does she have dementia? Or physical limitations? If she does have dementia you will not be able to convince her that she can no longer do cooking or cleaning like she did in the past.
You can help her navigate what she CAN do rather than focusing on what she can NOT do.
Give her tasks that she can do and things that if they get done, great but if they don't get done it is not a big deal. Like folding washcloths, pairing socks, cutting recipes out of the paper or a magazine.
If you are dealing with dementia it will not get better or easier.
Have you thought about hiring a caregiver to help out? Mom pays for the caregiver.
Or if cake making is not your thing, head to the shops & buy one together instead.
It was a nice gesture that Mom wanted to make you a cake. The idea just outstripped her skills.
Thank her for the gesture 🤗
PS If you can get the old TV series Mother and Son, have a look. S6. ep 5 'The Lamingtons' has just this problem!
https://m.imdb.com/title/tt0651477/?ref_=ext_shr_lnk
Then work out what really matters – clearly the problem is much bigger than this apple cake! Use it as an example, and go on to talk about bigger issues. It sounds as though they are in the ‘too hard’ basket because it will clearly upset your mother. You cannot avoid upsetting her, so get yourself a bigger game plan. Involve any other family members who may be there for the ‘get-together’, and deal with your M’s real needs.
I know it’s easier to write than to do. Best wishes and sympathy, Margaret
Everything on your menu doesn’t have to be homemade. She doesn’t want to be left out. So give her choices that she can handle.
Perhaps, she was used to being needed by others and is grieving her loss of being able to participate.
Validate her feelings and don’t stress over these things. Look for compromises whenever you can. When they aren’t possible, suit yourself by making your own decisions.
Wishing you and your family all the best.