Hello , my 90 year old FIL doesn’t drive and needs help running errands. I don’t mind helping out taking him to the grocery store once a week but have run into an issue. He is used to going to the store very frequently - almost daily- when he was driving to pick up a few things at different stores. Now that I am driving I tell him we go once a week to his preferred store or 2 . He objects with this rule and is now not speaking to us. Who is in the wrong here? How do I manage his expectations? Obviously I can take him out more than once a week for immediate pick ups like meds that can’t wait but I can’t live in the grocery store every day because he needs garbage bags from one store and milk at another? Help!
My mother, who chose to live alone many states away from me, used her town's senior center transportation van for WEEKLY grocery trips.
I think he wants to go out, to be out. It gives him something to do. A social event, to chat with you, a ride in the car, something to look forward to, and look at selections in stores.
My dad could spend 2 hrs in a drug store, looking at every item. He even involved staff to explain items to him. One even looked at me like help me. So I told him she must get back to work. So trips are social excursions. Its probably the only outlet they have if they dont go to church. Other than doc appts.
He's not going to say I'm lonely, watching TV 24/7 bored out of my mind. He might think family will come over if I need an item, as an excuse to get you to spend time with him.
If you suggest picking up 2 of that item, see what he says. If he gets mad, Its the outing he craves. It gives him a focus, something to do, and have fun. He'll get over being mad when he wants to go out again.
I'd blame the gas prices. Perhaps calling more would alleviate loneliness? Or getting a person to visit? High school and college age kids can spend a few hours and chat and cook him a meal. They can put that on a college aplication.
Or maybe setting up a meal date to be social. Have it at a regular day/time. Tell him to think of a recipe or something he can look foward to eating. Probably looks like another chore, but he won't be around forever. I feel bad I didn't spend more time with my family. I let life get in the way. I told my husb to go over 1x a week to take his mom out, have lunch, and do a chore around the house. She wasnt eating, loosing weight and had other issues. And now she does. I told him I regretted not spending more time with my family, and now its to late. He agreed he calls more, and get his brothers to do that too. She now has that to look foward to at a specific times. And he not just showing up for doc transport. That isnt fun. She's doing much better now. Good luck.
Honestly, these elderly (my own mother included here) and their demands is majorly annoying. Instead of being grateful for the help and care that they need and are receiving, they dig in their heels and refuse to conform to the limitations of their condition.
I'm 64 years old and I can't leave my home for days at a time because I don't have sitters every day. It might be 4-5 days between trips out - it doesn't matter what I may "want" or "need" to do - I have to wait.
I'm sure that we could make a sad list here of all of the freedoms and desires that care-slaves (yes, that's how I am now referring to myself) have to give up in order to provide care to a LO.
Therefore, I have very little time for pouting and petulant elders who don't get their way.
Peace.
Had this with one LO..
One ride & back to a regular event. Then the add-ons..
+ home tidy up
+ rubbish out
+ help with dressing & footwear
+ outing
+ errands on way home eg post office or groceries, hints for lunch or even another appointment booked withon 1 hour.
Boundaries.
One trip was my offer.
Arrange all 'that' from others.
Now.. has multiple aides for homecleaning, personal tasks & transport.
LO's needs are met.
I am no longer overburdened & resentful.
Oh another one for the T-shirt collection!