This situation is a dumpster fire. I’m the only surviving child of my mother. She is very demanding and controlling. Presently she lives in an independent living facility. Last summer she landed in the hospital due to not taking her heart medicine properly. She was discharged to rehab due to gait issues. While in rehab she was evaluated for dementia by a psychologist (NOT a psychiatrist) and OT for activities of daily living. The psychologist recommended AL, which was supported by the OT’s report. My cousin had POA at the time (my mother took it from me because she “doesn’t want to be bossed”), and after consulting me, she placed my mother in AL at a different facility. Because my cousin is in her late 70s and in poor health, she asked my husband and me to clean out my mother’s IL apartment. We found rotted food in the refrigerator, dirty tissues all around her favorite chair… you get the picture. And the place was crammed full of stuff. It took us three weeks to clean it out.
When my mother arrived at AL , all h*ll broke loose. My mother took away my cousin’s POA. We do not know who it is now or even if she has one. She moved herself back to her IL. She has hired an attorney to tell me I no longer was her POA (I don’t know why; she told me that at least six months before). She is suing me now. I believe she is incompetent to manage her affairs, including medical and financial. She is most uncooperative and is sure to object to having me appointed conservator. No one else in the family is able or willing to do it. I am at my wit’s end and would be glad to hear your advice. Please be kind.
I'd just leave things well enough alone. If she was able to get herself discharged from an AL and move back to IL, then she must be sound enough of mind to know what she wants.
Leave her alone. Let her figure out her own life. Sounds like she wants that and I think you should just leave her be.
Her using her ability to change out her POA at a moment's whim is just manipulation and I wouldn't fall for it. Sounds like she's TRYING to annoy you.
Why is she suing you? Love of heaven, that caps it all. For cleaning out her filthy apartment? That will not fly in front of a judge, should it get that far.
I would just shut the door on having a relationship with her going forward. Don't go after conservatorship or anything else to do with her.
I know this sounds harsh, but you could spend lot of time and money trying to 'help' her and she doesn't want it. That hurts, I'm sure.
Follow her lead. Two can play at this game. She has chosen her life and you're not a part of it---this happens all the time. I'm really sorry that it grieves and angers you at the same time--but until mom finds she can't do without you--you shouldn't see her at all.
My mom also doesn't like to be 'bossed' but cannot make safe decisions. We just leave her be, and let life do what it does.
I hope you don't think I am being unkind, I've just been there with both my mom and my MIL. It's better we don't have any contact with MIL and the barest of contact with mom. A lot of people are in your shoes.
What is she suing you for because you cleaned out trash and spoiled food? I can't believe a lawyer would take up the courts time for anything so stupid.
You need to step away and let the chips fall where they may. When the IL calls u or your cousin, tell them you are no longer responsible for her care and to call APS. They will evaluate her situation. When they call APS calls say, you can not take on her care. That she has reassigned her POA a few times and you no longer hold it and u have no idea who does. And no, u r not willing to put out thousands on guardianship. That the State can take over her care.
What could she conceivably be suing you for? What is she accusing you of in the suit?
As to her being back home, that is fine. Let her be at home and take care of things for herself. If you suspect she is unsafe ask that APS do a wellness check or a senior at risk assessment, and tell them that you cannot be involved in her care as she is not cooperative.
Quite honestly there is little that you can do. Attend to your own needs and let your mother live her own life as she chooses to live it. Tell her you care about her and offer to do some small things to help, shopping trip once a week or whatever, and otherwise let her alone, which seems to be what she wants of you.
When were you served? Did the attorney your mother hired prepare and file the complaint? Hopefully your mother didn't treat this as a DIY project, as this will complicate your getting out of what could be a legal quagmire, but which might not last long if your mother pursues the case and is observed by court personnel, specifically a judge, to be unstable.
(How soon this might happen depends on the court, i.e., whether it's a Circuit or lower court, such as a District Court.)
Assuming IL has court rules similar to those in Michigan, you have a certain amount of time within which to file your appearance and answer, or be subject to entry of a default judgment. In Michigan it's 30 days, just as an idea of the limited time involved.
Regardless of the validity of her accusations and charges, you do have to file an answer, to protect yourself. Don't allow a Default Judgment to be filed against you, which can happen if you don't file an Appearance (and request an extension to file your response) or if you don't respond at all before the time limit for filing.
If you can't find an attorney, at least research the IL court rules, and if necessary ask a court clerk to help you locate a standard Notice of Appearance; you can then ask your mother's attorney (or her) for an extension of time to file by phone and definitely confirmed in writing.
Granting another 30 day extension is common for a plaintiff attorney; it's not considered anything out of line or particularly gratuitous.
Beyond that, I hate to recommend this, but you would be best served by hiring an attorney yourself; they know the legal maneuvers and a good one would likely file a Motion to Dismiss based on your mother's behavior and mental state.
You might want to start looking for an Elder Law attorney with litigation experience; not all of them engage in this aspect, and you definitely need someone with experience.
On the overall issue, I think it's best to recognize that your desire and ability to provide continued care for her is being severely compromised, and you might want to raise this with an attorney to address the issue of a rapid hearing to stave off any further action specifically against you.
I can't imagine what it's like to go through such turmoil, especially when you're still willing to care for her.
I think it's very admirable that you are even trying to figure out where to go from here to help mom; I don't know that I would be as accommodating if I found myself in your position! But, unfortunately, as other, wiser people than me have pointed out previously, there is no saving someone who refuses to be saved. So I think the only thing you can do going forward is try and mitigate the damage that mom can cause, both to herself AND to you.
Good luck and hugs!
Has an actual lawsuit been filed? Is it for you supposedly getting rid of her stuff against her wishes? Is the cousin/POA involved in any way (such as being sued, too)? As others have said, paying for an hour or two with a lawyer of your own may be a good idea. Did you take any photos of the place? Or have receipts for garbage haul-away or dumping? Getting the cousin/POA to document that she asked you to perform this service would be a good idea.
I really do think you need to step away from trying to help your mother, at least for the near future. She seems to be taking control of her own life, for good or ill.
I don't think she sounds very competent, but absent a doctor's letter saying she isn't, I guess she is. I would assume she's suing you for cleaning out her apartment, which again, if she was competent, the cousin would be at least as liable for, having incorrectly activated the power of attorney and asking you to do the job.
Mom needs to be fully assessed for dementia and competency for handling her affairs. If she's deemed competent, walk away. If she isn't, perhaps the best thing is to have a neutral third party oversee her care and affairs. That person will be paid out of Mom's funds, but so be it.
It is gut wrenching to watch the train wreck coming and know that the only thing you can do is step out of the way, so you don't get taken out by it.
Garden artist has given you really good counsel about your responsibility to respond to the lawsuit. Please hire an attorney to protect yourself. This can be 2 fold, you can counter sue for attorney fees and ask the court for a competency hearing.
Because I have a mom that has chewed up and spit out all of her resources, I really recommend that you step back and let the state take control. You can still see her and know where she is, you can even advocate for her but, you will not be the target of her hateful behavior.
Unfortunately, we can't save someone from themself. You have to take care of you and advocate for the state to intervene. If you can not do that, please, please consider a care manager or fiduciary. Court appointed ones will have her best interest, they are licensed and regulated through the superior court. Yes, they are expensive but, you can request that the courts make them be totally transparent with her next of kin, that would be her children.
You really don't have to step in front of her and be her target. It is okay to disconnect from anyone that abuses you and works really hard at making you miserable, even if you call them mom or dad.
Making sure, from a distance, that her NEEDS are being met, is still making sure that her needs are being met and you can feel good that she is not just being left for the major crisis.
My mom collapsed while on the phone with me, I am 9 hours away and called 911, she was transported to the ER and her dogs were taken to the pound to be cared for until she was released or someone picked them up, I tried to stop that process knowing that her neighbor would take care of the dogs but, the cop that showed up wasn't leaving them in the filth. She still gives me grief about calling 911 and what it cost her. Never mind that she had a UTI that had gone septic, dehydration and her kidneys were shutting down and forget the fact that she would have died if I hadn't called. I just get told off that I traumatized her precious children (dogs) and cost her a fortune, not. I was supposed to just turn the other cheek and mind my own business. I have asked her what exactly I should do in the future, in the event she collapses again and she just hangs up on me. Oy vey! Can't win for losing but, I know that I will have to let the state take control because I can't deal with the abuse she dishes out.
Great big warm hug! You will do what is best for you and she will do what she wants.