About a month ago my dad fell and fractured his femur. They put in a plate and some screws to strengthen the area. He was in the hospital a couple of weeks and is now in rehab. He has barely done any of the P/T that he's supposed to do and is not able to even walk with a walker. He just says he wants to go home, and some how he'll miraculously be able to get up and use a walker to get to the bathroom when he's home. The reality of the situation is that if he doesn't regain the ability to get around, he's going to lay in a bed and poop in a diaper. Then he'll expect me, my sister, or one of her kids, his grandkids, to clean him up. I work, she works, and her sons both have jobs. My mom is 82 and can't do much at all. Granted, before this happened he didn't have the greatest of muscle tone and sort of shuffled when he walked, however, he did drive and get around. He's not critical in any way, and has a pretty strong heart. So, to sum it up, he could lay in a bed, or sit in his recliner for years, like eight or ten, pooping in a diaper and having us clean it up. I'm willing to help anyone who is willing to help themselves, and if he were in a position that he wasn't able to help himself, I would understand and would do everything I could to help. I feel like he's just given up the fight and has decided to let us take up the slack without realizing what that means for all of us. Sorry for rambling on so much. I would certainly appreciate any insight, suggestions, real life stories, etc., that anyone may have.
1. Have you said to him “Dad, it’s 10 steps (or whatever —you can count them) from your bed to the bathroom and 20 steps from your recliner to the bathroom. If you can’t walk 20 steps with the walker, there is no way you can go home without an aide to help you because Mom can’t and none of us can be there every day to do it either. When you prove to me you can walk 20 steps (plus whatever else he needs to do for himself — shower, change clothes?) I will authorize your return home.”
2. Have you discussed this with the rehab staff and/or his PCP? Do they have suggestions on where he could go instead, like maybe a respite stay (for starters) at an assisted living place?
3. Have you discussed it with your mom? Can she lay down the law?
Please fill out your profile because we don't know what other health conditions dad suffers from.
Good luck to you.
It doesn't sound like your family is equipped to handle this at home - recognize this, despite all your good intentions and your love.
A very wise woman said, "the best time to avoid caregiving is before you start." Okay, full disclosure, that wise woman is me. Don't make the mistake that I did by taking my LO home when I didn't fully realize all that would be involved with caring for him. I was blinded by my love for him and I've basically sacrificed my life for him by accepting to be his caregiver...I am so tired and disenchanted with old age in the USA.
I'm going to have DNR tattooed on my chest.
He will either want to be motivated to do whatever is necessary to go home or he won't. I guess you could give him his options of either putting in the work to go home or be placed in a facility, and see where things go from there, but I wouldn't hold my breath.
And don't for one second believe the lie that it will be either you, your sister or her children that will be responsible to change his poopy diapers. That will either be your mom, hired full-time help that's paid for with your parents money or by folks in the nursing facility he ends up in.
Children are not responsible to take on their parents care as they age. If your parents didn't plan ahead for such a time as this, then they'll have to apply for Medicaid move into either an assisted living facility or skilled nursing facility.
Not in the constitution.
Not in your state’s law.
Not in your county’s regulations.
Not in the Bible, Talmud, Torah or Koran.
“No. I will not be doing that.” Is a perfectly reasonable, sane answer to the question.
Practice that phrase.
In the mirror.
Role play it with your sister.
Make it your mantra.
You’ll thank us, later.
This is not something you and your family could manage at home no matter how willing you are to help . You all work . I also loathe the idea of roping grandchildren into caregiving . They have their young lives to lead . I doubt your father was wiping is grandfather’s butt when he was young . It should not be expected that his grandchildren do hands on caregiving .
If Dad isn’t doing his PT or does not show progress in rehab he will be discharged to SNF LTC . The only way they would send him home is if there was 24 hour care at home . That’s extremely expensive .
Often a big event like a broken hip or femur is life changing at this age and leads to placement in a facility.
I’m sorry but this is probably what you are facing . Do not try to bring him home if he’s not walking unless you have in home hired help coming in 24/7 .
It doesn’t matter that Dad says he wants to go home. What he NEEDS is what is important now , not what he wants . Do not use your own money for his care or your mother’s care . If needed they sell their home to pay for care , or apply for Medicaid for Dad .
It takes some longer than others to realize just giving up doesn’t get them anywhere. He can live a long time in a wheelchair/bed as you know but it takes a toll on the lives of everyone and also the pocket book.
Please see a certified elder attorney to make sure you and mom understand that her funds must be protected for her future care as a community spouse.
Regardless of income/savings it can all go pretty quick and the time to take action is now if this hadn’t already been looked into.
He may be doing the best he can. This is not to threaten or shame him, just the facts of life. For whatever reason the PT isn’t working. So next step is a care facility. Get one that has a good PT and negotiate ongoing therapy.
“This is what it will cost dad. Good news is with your half you have enough for x months/years and then we have to file for Medicaid”
Hard words to hear but necessary. Please don’t entertain taking him home at this stage w/o hired caregivers and determine if mom is even receptive to allowing caregjvers in. Many wives will think they (you) can do it all.
They really don’t understand that the caregivers are necessary.
Antidepressants can help. Get a big bottle, you are all likely to need help adjusting. I’m sorry this has happened.
He said two words: Nursing Home
in your case insurance will not pay for rehab forever if he is not making progress, and rehab will not release him to a place he is not safe, which means nursing home it is
I would think that would motivate anyone, though I guess I have found I dont understand people.
My stepdad always insists that he will be capable of doing something, despite the fact that he hasn't done anything for so long. It's a mixture of being stubborn and in denial. Talking about a care home doesn't seem to create an incentive, either.
My advice would be to look into the next steps to make sure that your parents are in a safe place with adequate care - neither of which are provided by you.
However, the situation doesn't have to be quite as dire as being bed-ridden. If your dad has enough mobility to move between a bed, wheelchair and chair, he can live in AL with carers assisting him.
He would need to wear incontinence pads, but he should be able to move between the wheelchair and toilet or commode.
This would only be possible, of course, if he had carers 4 times a day (at least).