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My husband passed away peacefully on Sunday, following an 8-day hospitalization, a three week stay in a skilled nursing facility and 24 hours at home in hospice. His family were all here and it was a relatively easy passing. Now I am riddled with guilt about the angry feelings that were a big part of his final months as I tried to deal with his violent behavior-a horrible part of frontal/temporal lobe dementia with vascular issues as well. His passing left me at once relieved and in deep mourning. And now that I am no longer a caregiver, who am I? To top it off I will, on Dec. 1st, lose nearly half my income, as his pension plan is that kind. I guess I really knew this, but the reality of it is going to kick in soon. There is no life insurance, and our home was sold in May with a move to a small apartment, allowing money to pay off a few bills and the many expenses his illness requires, yet one that I will no longer be able to afford, but for which I signed a year long lease in August. I alternate between determination to get paperwork done, planning a committal service, being absolutely numb and shedding tears of loss. The one light is that we had purchased a funeral plan that has been a true godsend. I try hard to remember the years when we were happy. He was a quiet, yet funny and joyfully talented man I fell in love with the night we met. I am alone for the first time in 38 years, and my fear grows daily.

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Sorry for your loss. Sounds like it's been a tough road lately.

As far as your living situation, I would try to hook up with the local social services agency and see if you can get help finding affordable housing. Help is out there if you look for it.

You are going through a big transition right now. I would advise leaning on friends and family for support. Better yet, find a caregiver support group of some sort. Even though that is no longer your role, you still need the support and understanding of others who are or have been in your position. I wish you well.
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Just wanted to focus for a moment on your income situation as others spoke to your grief and I as well am sorry. I understand your income will decrease but it would seem so will your expenses that involved he and his care. I would think it would be fortunate that your home was sold. I am sorry if your new rental has now become unaffordable. Perhaps you could try to ask to be allowed out of that lease but it seems like alot to take on so soon. I just wonder if you could think hard and evaluate your new present adjusted set of seemingly reduced expenses along with your new income and see if you really come up short with having hopeful income from the sale of your house. I tried to understand all you posted and this was not completely clear to me.
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There is always a certain amount of guilt when a love one passes, because relationships can be complicated. You need time to rest and grieve and try to remember the good times you had with him. You don't mention a religious affiliation, but God is the only source of true peace and meaning in our lives. I pray that you will find that. After a time, you will be more able to think about your future. Perhaps a part-time job would supplement your income and give you something to do. Praying that you will find strength to get through these difficult days.
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I was guilt ridden for months. I knew nothing about dementia and just thought my wife was just nuts. I "had" to correct her many times, asking her what is wrong with you? Only after her death did I find any help understanding what was going on. A little to late for her. I now go twice a month to a care-givers group and talk about how I handled it and how not to deal with it. A wise man once said, "guilt is a gift that keeps on giving". We do things in ignorance's, not knowing what to do or how to deal with it. You must stop beating yourself up, forgive yourself. I'm sure you were much like me. Not knowing what to do and not know where to turn for help. Take care, it will get better, it's been two years for me and I just can't dwell on how I treated my wife. FORGIVNESS.
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I am very sorry for your loss.
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I am going through the frustration and anger, followed by immediate guilt now with my husband who has fronto-temporal dementia. I know it’s not rational but I can’t seem to help it. It did me good to read Rosses003 comment that it’s the disease I’m angry at, not my husband or God. I do hate this disease! Best wishes She1934.
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Do not forget you are loved. Take some time to sort this out when you are feeling better. Follow your path in life and you will be ok. my thoughts and prayers are with you.
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If you really think it through, you were not angry at him, but at him with dementia. Now that all has ended, you should try to think about what you both went through. You both were victims of the illness, you both felt anger! You both felt the other one was “being mean” at certain points. You both were robbed from the life you thought you would have, that dream we all should have the right to, to end our lives peacefully with the persons we love.

As unfair as you think it was to be angry at him at times, it is that you feel guilty for feeling what ever you felt at whatever point in your journey of caregiving She. The path we get to walk as caregivers who love and give up a lot -a lot- for those we love is filled with the widest array of feelings resulting from all the ups and downs, and more downs, and more downs, and ups we go through. We are entitled to feel. But we keep caring despite it all. So, be fair to yourself.

A big hug sent your way and hope that some peace and calm comes to your mind and heart very soon!
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Llamalover47 Nov 2018
Rosses: That is spot on accurate! Great post!
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My husband died several months ago. We had been married for 38 years and had no children. He died of cancer after an 18 month illness. I took care of him at home. I have been lonely and at loose ends. I did go back to work on October 1, 2018. My husband and I had a joint accounting firm. Going back to work has been good, but I still have long evenings. I try to stay active in my church. My younger sister lives close by and I do things with her and her family. Our parents have died in the last few years. I think we all have to work thru our grief in whatever way we can. I don’t think there is a quick solution. I’m trying to find hobbies and activities. I’m also attending a grief workshop sponsored by the Hospice program that my husband was in the last six week of his life. I hope that you can find peace and fulfillment in the coming days and months>
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polarbear Nov 2018
Hi UsedupDIL - I remember your post about your IL and their bio kids wanting to move the IL with dementia into your place and have you take care of them after your husband died. Outrageous request!!! Are they still giving you grief for not agreeing to be their free 24/7 caregiver? Are they in a facility now?

Glad that you're moving on with your life.
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She1934 - I had to break a lease once or twice before. It's not as bad as you think.

As soon as I knew I needed to move, I told the manager my situation right away and why I had to move. The manager tried to find a new tenant for my place, so that I would only be responsible for up to the month the place was rented out. In both instances, it took about a month or two to find a new tenant.

Another option you can use, if the manager is reluctant to help you out, is to sublease your place to someone else. You can advertise on Craigslist, or local newspapers, or senior center if your place is a senior only place. In this case, you have to do a bit more work yourself to make sure you sublease to someone who is credit worthy and will pay rent on time. So, there is a risk if you go this route.

And She1934 - I am sorry you lost the quiet, funny, joyful and talented husband with whom you fell in love at first night you met. I am sorry he gave you so much heartaches during his final years. But I am glad you are now relieved from that suffering. And your husband is now at rest and in peace.

Please post any and all questions you have in the days ahead. Things that seem simple are not so simple when you're grieving and worrying about finances. Questions about breaking the lease, how to deal with SS office, moving, anything, someone here would know and give you answers or suggestions.

We are here to help.
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anonymous839718 Nov 2018
Polar Bear, They are living in a senior apartment with a part-time caregiver. Their children occasionally take a swipe at me about not helping them, but I basically ignore. I do go visit my MIL and FIL about once a month. I usually bring a meal that I know they will both like. My FIL’s Dementia has advanced quickly. He has no idea who I am. My MIL’s Dementia is not as advanced.
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She, I noticed that you mentioned relief when he passed. I think that is a perfectly normal emotion. When my DH died, after suffering from cancer, I was so very sad, of course, but I was also truly relieved. I was relieved that he was no longer in pain. I was also relieved that I no longer had to watch him suffer; and that the 20 hour a day horrifying caretaking was over.

I hope you find peace and comfort in the days ahead, however it comes to you. In time, you will forget the heart breaking recent past and you will remember the quiet sweet man you loved for so long. It all just takes time. Many hugs to you. Becky
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I've always heard that you shouldn't plan any changes at all while under such strain, such as the loss of your husband. I am so sorry for your loss. Perhaps when your head clears you'll be able to renegotiate the lease on your apartment.
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She1934, I am so very sorry for your loss. I too am struggling on how to move forward with my life. I've been a full-time caregiver for my elderly parents for 15 years and my mother passed from Alzheimer's 6 months ago. My father suffers from dementia and other health issues. I don't have any advise or wisdom, but I just wanted to you know that your post touched me deeply, and I wish and hope the very best for you in the coming days, weeks, months and years. Meditation and support groups/therapy have helped a bit, but at times, I still fall into the abyss. You're not alone. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
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I'm divorced, but my dad has dementia and has turned violent to me and my mom. I have talked him off, wrestled him and avoided his blows with some ducks, dodge, weaves and quick blocks. I'm afraid for my mom. They've been married for 47 years. I'll miss my memories of my dad, but I won't miss his sick, violent dementia.
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Monikalabadi Nov 2018
I am going through that with my mom and it is hard.. she was always mean but now she is full blown mean. One day she can be the sweetest and the next day she is biting me. I thank God she is still here on earth . I was taking care of her before but I stopped because she was giving me anxiety. sad
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Losing a spouse is difficult. My husband of 62 years died 10/6 in the Haven Hospice Center where we both were well cared for. I took care of him at home with the help of Hospice. I think anger is part of caregiving for most of us, but it is mixed with love, strength, patience and a whole lot more. Forgive yourself for your anger. You are only human. Move on in your life with thankfulness for each day. Know that in your grieving there will be many different emotions. We do the best we can do.
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HVsdaughter Nov 2018
Well said, Bett.
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Grief is full of lots of emotions... and that’s normal. You do not need to feel guilty for the reality of a disease process over something with which you had no control. Guilt is very normal for caregivers to feel but it is not always warranted, healthy or rational. It sounds like you loved him a lot so be proud of your 38 year marriage and remember that many marriages are based on the premise of “for better or worse.” Disease can fall under the ‘worse’ category but that doesn’t mean your marriage wasn’t successful. There’s no guidebook for how to get through these things so we do the best we can....and that’s all we can do as people dealing with unique circumstances with a unique person.
If your husband we’re still here, I suspect he would want you to focus on managing your finances and practical matters to the best of your ability without worrying over his last months. He would want to know you are safe and not distracted by unnecessary guilt about him. Cry when you need to cry to let it out but don’t dwell as it will make your present more difficult. My condolences for your loss and may you find strength to address your practical matters one step at a time.
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Hello She. My condolences on Your very sad loss of Your dear Husband, RIP.
Remember fondly all the happiness You and Your Husband shared in 38 years and how Blessed Both of You were to meet that night and fall in love and share a Life time of happily married Life together.
Ask some member of Your Family to help You with all of the paper work when You are ready to deal with it, but first give Yourself time to mourne and to grieve Your Husbands Loss.
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Addressing the fear: you're contracted to rent your apartment until August but you don't think you'll be able to afford it?

Write down the numbers and look at them. Present fears are less than horrible imaginings. It will then be clear whether or not you can let this go. If you can't keep the apartment even with reasonable economy, then you need to negotiate an early termination of the lease. Was there no break clause at three or six months? Even if not, in the circumstances it's reasonable to expect some latitude from the lessor.

Ideally you could place this in the hands of a trusted friend or advisor. Do you not have anyone to turn to?

The thing is, you need to be free to sit still and grieve. Once this very real problem is under control it will stop polluting your thoughts and you can take the time you need. Otherwise I'd say don't try to do anything at all until you're ready, but I think the worry is really making the pain worse, isn't it?
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anonymous633176 Nov 2018
Thank you for your reminder.
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She1934, I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved husband. He sounds like a wonderful man. To fall in love the first night you met him -- what a beautiful love story! And what a terrible loss for you.
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She,
So very sorry for your loss and the emotions that you are having and facing. Praying for you.
You will be ok, it is still very fresh.
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She
I am very sorry for your loss. No matter how close death is, it always seems to bring with it a measure of surprise.

I know you only had the one day of hospice but they do have grief counselors. Perhaps they can help you begin to piece the bits together.
i hope you can get some good rest before you tackle all the logistics.
Hugs
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anonymous633176 Nov 2018
Yes, they have reached out to me and I will plan to use their program. It is just so hard to get through the many calls, the paperwork and the service and notifying family and find time to sit quietly to accept that his journey is, mercifully, over.
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So sorry for your loss. You need to let the guilt feelings go. It could not have been easy dealing with him when he was violent and you kept him home to care for him. It had to be frightening at times.

Baby steps. Funeral first then SS to find out what u can receive. Give yourself time and baby steps. Talk to ur landlord, maybe he will be willing to let u out of the lease under the circumstances.
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Many welfare agencies run a financial advice service which includes personal counselling (well of course!), and it might be a helpful place to go for a chat. Sometimes even a chance to talk yourself, helps you to move on in your own head instead of going round and round. It's even better if they can give some useful advice. I am not surprised that this is all horribly hard to cope with. Yours, Margaret
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It is early days yet and the wounds are raw, you can't expect to begin to find your equilibrium for weeks and months. One day at a time.
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I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope with time you’ll be able to concentrate more on the happy memories of your husband and think less of the bad times that cruel illness brought. I also hope you’ll find good advice about your path forward, you certainly have a huge life change you’re facing and will need good guidance. The funeral home my parents did their prepayment with provided some counseling and guidance for us, maybe yours will also? Don’t try to go it alone or make quick decisions. Be kind to yourself, you’ve done well in the most trying times
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