My mom has dementia and now spends 2 mo with my brother on Long Island in her own home, and 2 months with me in another state. We have been doing this arrangement since I moved 2+ years ago. Before I moved I was very involved in her life as far as taking her to the stores, drs appts, helping her when she needed anything… which was daily . Phone calls couple times a day… complaining about everything and anything.
She is narcissistic and has never been a happy person, always negative about everything to the point where she sucks the life out of you. No matter what you do it just isn’t enough.
She doesn’t recognize me as “her” Susan..and asks me frequently if I heard from her. She’s even complained to me about “her”. She soils her pants 2-3 x a day ( refuses to wear a pad or depends) and drapes them all over her bathroom and room to dry. She wants constant companionship and will throw a fit if my husband and I want to go out to the store or visit friends for and hour or so.
She will call for me if I am not in eyesight, even has banged on my door hours of the night or daytime if I’m in getting dressed or in the bathroom to find out where I am. She wandered out of my house 2x to go find the bus station or walk home.
The situation has become impossible for me. I feel my blood pressure go up the minute she comes to stay.
My husband and I ( both 73) moved into a 55 and older place for the “ease” of living and community activities.
His health is not great. Diabetic, open heart surgery when he was 49, still has cardiac problems, had back surgery a year ago and still doesn’t walk right, uses a cane. Since he can’t lift anything heavy I do a lot of the grunt work but I’ve had hip replacement surgery and back surgery also. I worry about him all the time.
We would like to enjoy what time we have left.
After long deliberation I feel being in a Memory Care facility would be best for her (and me.) I have done research and found one I really think would be perfect only 3 miles from me. She has refused to go to any Senior Citizen centers in the past, so a Day care Center wouldn’t work.
I think sooner is better than later for this.
But how do I get her there?
Can't really reason with her because of the dementia.
Telling her “ for her own good “ wouldn’t work.
I can’t carry her out of the house kicking and screaming. I make myself sick over this decision.
And BTW she is not happy when she’s at my house with me and not happy when she’s at her own home. Calls me to say she wants to go home..
She considers the home she wants to go to is the one from her teenage years when her family all lived by each other and she was a teenager. So sad.
I know many have the same challenges with their loved ones so just wondering if anyone has a solution?
1. She had suddenly had her drivers license revoked and didn’t want to use public transportation
2. My siblings and I agreed to help he move into a memory care facility. We looked around and chose a nice one that was convenient to one of us.
3. I took my mother, willingly, to that one — “just to see what they are like”, and we decided to try out heir lunch.
During the lunch I left to go to the bathroom and did not return. The facility helped her get settled. She was not happy, but her memory was pretty gone by then, so she quickly got used to it. We had her clothing and personal things ready to leave with her.
4. It sounds heartless, but I think it was rather less painful for her than it would have been if we had done a forceful change.
Good luck! It’s difficult, I know.
A slightly sneaky way:
Take her to the ER to work up her probable urinary tract infection - all that incontinence does have a cause. Ask them to admit her and test for mental competency. Since she will not pass the competency test, let them know that you can not be with her 24/7 at home. Ask for the social worker to help with placing her into a memory care unit - preferably the one you have already contacted and made arrangements with.
Does brother agree with you?
What does he suggest?
Can he have Mom in a MC facility near him?
Please take immediate action on your Mom's behalf. Her care needs are beyond your's and brother's abilities. Call her doctor for help.
Can she be hospitalized and then transported by ambulance to the MC facility?
You can call 911 when she is wandering, or having a melt-down. Then, be strong in this crisis, refusing to take her home, and with her doctor have her admitted/transferred to her new home at MC.
Okay, does she have a doctor wherever you intend to send her? The one near you?
Sorry this is very difficult. You have gone way out on her behalf to accommodate her wishes.
Dad was still home, with dementia, no short term memory and I had to disable his car. We would go see mom in the “hospital” as he was used to this for the last 20 years, and have lunch, go back for dinner. Did this for about 3 days. Dad kept trying to tip the waiters and pay the tab.
Mom was raising hell, she was a two person assist but thought she was just fine, so…..THIS IS JUST UNTIL YOUR BETTER. That kinda worked.
For dad…YOU NEED TO STAY HERE AND HELP MOM. Some days he was in a hotel, hospital, hunting trip, I just went with whatever worked.
Having said all that , this was a couple weeks from hell for me but it had to be done before they burnt the house down or some other calamity.
Good luck to you. Be strong.
She will call you to come home.
She will not be happy.
But she will be safe.
Look for Memory Care where it will be most convenient for you and your brother. That means in his area or yours. Decide who will be most involved in her care/advocacy or who had POA.
When it is time to go to your house, or go to your brothers wherever you have chosen a place instead of bringing her to the house bring her to Memory Care.
If you need to tell her that the house is being worked on and she can't stay with the work going on.
or
Think of another "therapeutic fib" that will help.
She will adjust, it may take a while but do not give in, do not bring her home. And do not bring her home for the upcoming holidays.
If brother is living in moms house there may be discussion..
Should he pay rent? Should the house be sold and the money used for mom's care? Will an application for Medicaid have to be done at some point.
It might be worth talking to an Elder Care Attorney to see what the best options are.
No one can reason with a dementia patient! They simply are unable to do that kind of processing with their brain. So don't waste time or get frustrated by trying. The MC center will be able to guide you with the transition. They are used to it, so follow their guidance to ease the transition.
Therapeutic fibs are just one of the many tools needed to deal with the heartbreaking reality of a family member with dementia. The beauty of it all is that you don't have to remember the fib, because she won't either!! (A touch of the humor you have to seek out when dealing with dementia).
You and your husband can't continue this way, and I'm sure it's hard for your brother too. In fact, moving every 2 months will be getting harder and harder, more disruptive, for your Mother as dementia progresses. So one last move will be best for all involved.
I wish you and all your family the best as you tackle this situation.
Would live-in help at her home be a possibility so neither of you has to take her for months at a time? If that's not a possibility, then the two of you need to agree upon what memory care facility she will be going to.
After the two of you decide, whichever of you has POA will have to have an appointment with the care administrator of the facility and one or more of their social workers. At this meeting they will need to be told that your mother will be a hostile transfer and that you will need help transporting her to the facility. All nursing homes, memory care, and AL facilities know what this is and how to handle it. No elder has ever willingly gone into a facility. You may have to pay for ambulance transfer though.
After you have both found a memory care, your brother can start moving her things there while she is with you. So when the day comes to move her everything will be ready for her.
Then do not visit or call her for a few weeks. The facility you put her in will tell you this. She will need time to acclimate and will not if she's talking to you and your brother. She will just continually demand that you bring her home and she will not adjust. This sounds harsh and it is a little bit, but sadly it's the only way.
If she becomes too much to handle, one of you could drop her off at a hospital ER and tell them you need a 'Social Admit' because you can no longer care for her and she is hostile about going into a care facility. The hospital will take care of her travel arrangements.
Yes, when someone with dementia says they want to "go home", it is the house where they grew up. I remember my Mom [98] asking to home and it took me awhile to figure out she meant her childhood home. She wanted to see her parents, so I used a "therapeutic fib" saying they were visiting the old country. Mom accepted that reason.
I hope you don't need to have to wait until 911 is needed before your Mom can settle into Memory Care.
You probably need to tell a therapeutic fib--the house needs fumigation due to termites, dry rot discovered, roof replacement, both you and DH have to undergo surgery. You tell her this is an emergency and temporary. Something along those lines.
Do talk to the folks at the MC. They've seen this a million times and know ways to make this easier.