I haven't been away overnight without him for 5 years. He has probably had Alzheimers since 2015 according to his neurologist, but diagnosed in 2019. It's hereditary in his family and he was in his early 60's, maybe younger, when it started. He was always so mellow but has anger issues now and will run away. Quite confused alot and has comprehension issues. I fell and had a concussion last June. With family help we made it through but I'm exhausted. I need advice on how to get him to the Memory Care, He also only has about 30 percent hearing with his hearing aids. We toured the facility last week and he did seem to make a connection with one of the directors. He wouldn't talk to me for several hours after.
There's no easy way, unfortunately. As you say goodbye, tell DH you need time to rest and you'll see him soon.
Best of luck to you.
Are you prepared to be caring for your husband at home for another good 10 years? I'm guessing not, so you must now do what is best for the both of you, which includes getting him placed in a the nicest facility you can afford.
The only way to "prepare" your husband would be to set up his room in memory care with things that are familiar to him from home, and then give him time to adjust.
This won't be easy, but it will be for the best. Please don't forget that.
I wish you well as you travel this very difficult road with your dear husband.
You say he is "quite confused alot and has comprehension issues." What are you hoping to make him comprehend?
You have to make the best decisions for him. This Memory Care is best for his safety and yours. Be happy that he made a connection with one of the directors, that is a happy plus. If he sulks, let him. You can not change that. Are you thinking there are some magic words you can use to make him be happy about this change?
If he does comprehend, just give positive reassurances such as visiting, spending time with him, and letting him know you love him. Tell him he is safe here. Keep repeating it. Tell him you're exhausted and can no longer keep him safe on your own. Smile when you speak of his new home. If you appear anxious and sad and worried, it will worry him. Display positive energy when you spend time with him in his new home.
I'm sorry you are facing this. I am in a similar situation. My husband suffered a stroke at age 53, causing much brain damage. I've been happy to care for him at home for the last 11 years, but I am getting older and getting tired and my body hurts. I am reluctant to let go, but I recognize I will have to sooner rather than later.
For my mother I write a note on a white board near her daily things about a week before a respite visit and I just say... on this date MA goes to n home, I go to wherever my trip is, and when we had one, dog goes to kennel. All come home this day. And that board goes to the n home with her. She is trained to refer to them for daily caregivers names and shifts and activities, doctor apptmt dates/times etc. She will review it on her own thru out those days leading up. And we usually dont talk about it. If she asks if tell her im sorry there no one to stay w her while im gone. The last year, she usually doesn't ask. She has written me notes though to remember to hold the mail and paper while she is gone from her home. ❤️
For my father who had alzheimers, he entered memory care n home from hospital rehab after dehydration. We did not really speak of it then either. His younger sister had gone the same route 2 weeks before him, and same memory care. Day of admission they passed in the hall and the :( workers made a big deal of asking them if they knew each other, and that day they did not. That was NOT a good move imo. But my father did not fight being there. I honestly think the dehydration episode really took him down enough that he did not recover enough to be wholly aware. At least he never talked about it that I know of. We did visit as much as possible and I was able to bring the dog with me many times which helped him and brightened the days of the staff, if not the other patients. Im told my dad sometimes knew his sister was his sister, sometimes he thot she was his mother and sometimes he didn't know her at all. I believe he always knew me. He really didnt have all that much contact w his siblings in his adult life, so that would likely be part of the issue.
I agree though.... not much use in preparing them specifically if they cannot at some point understand, and even if they can, dont introduce the permanent part until after it's a done deal. Also, the whole.... this is the last time you will ever be in your home or do this in your home, etc is too much on everyone, you and him. We have to find some way to preserve our own peace/ sanity through all this. Its already hard enough as it is.
I am not clear on (his cognitive functioning / understanding). I believe you need to talk to him based on where he is cognitively. Going into long explanations will / may confuse him and usually people do this 'explaining' when they feel uncomfortable or perhaps sad and guilty. And, keep it short.
If it were me in your place, I would expect your husband to be on an emotional roller coaster (and confused or in-and-out of confusion) as this is very hard on him, too - even if he knows it is the best for him, it is understandable he wouldn't want to go and leave you and familiar surroundings. It is not surprising to me that he was quiet / not talking to you afterwards. He need(ed)(s) time to process his own feelings and the situation he is in (if he can).
He will go through an adjustment period.
If you decide he needs to move into a memory care unit, do make the room as homey as possible with his / some of his furniture, photos.
I'm glad you made it through, with the concussion and I understand you are exhausted. Please do whatever you need to do to take care of you. Get the support you need - find friends that will listen instead of telling you what you need to do (unless you want their input). I intuit that if he moves into a memory facility that you will feel relief and de-stress. It may take some time, although when one is exhausted as you are, there may be some immediate release of emotional and psychological pressure. Be very kind to yourself.
Gena / Touch Matters